Why You Should Become a Meth Addict

So I decided to crank out the crystal clear dope on why everyone should start tweaking methamphetamine before they find themselves on thin ice.

• 1. You love the taste of laundry detergent and lighter fluid in the morning.
• 2. Screw Mr. Clean - now you will be able to completely sanitize and sterilize your entire neighborhood block every single day, no questions asked, all by yourself. This has been an official public service announcement.

• 3. You want it to be the end of R.E.M. as we know it.

• 4. You hope that someday one of your injections will finally infect you with the gift of HIV which you will be able to pass on to others.

• 5. You want to prove to your family you can win against a heart attack, keep a straight face during a massive stroke, and will not giggle like a sissy during the tingling sensation of blood vessels bursting beneath your skin.

• 6. You know that monsters hide under your bed, in your closet, and ninjas will attack you when you leave your house. Now, at least, you will finally be able to see them!

• 7. Because... well, you forgot why.

• 8. You need help beating the sh*t out of your better half, chewing out your friends, and slugging your mom in the face. Anger and adrenaline can only get you so far, after all.

• 9. You want to constantly be host to viruses, bacteria, and other microscopic monstrosities. They don't call you a walking ecosystem for nothing.

• 10. You hate being infiltrated by oxygen all the time. Gosh...

• 11. You enjoy vegetables so much, you want to be one! What could be healthier than that?

• 12. You cannot flop around on the floor on your own. If God wanted you to involuntarily act like a fish... oh yeah, he didn't invent meth.

• 13. You would like to contribute to the Maalox foundation.

• 14. The gym falls short of truly making you Niagara Falls incarnate.

• 15. You want to feel worthless, all alone, and a failure. You will already be taking meth, why not anti-depressants too?

• 16. Your dentures will be easier to clean than your teeth.

• 17. Becus y uh wan to uh brain bye.

• 18. Nature gave you two kidneys, might as well get rid of one. Or hey, why not both? Who's counting anyway?

• 19. You want to see dead people, or purple people, or flying rabid bunnies. Maybe you just want Santa Clause to exist again.

• 20. Besides... who can turn down a drug you can smoke, snort, and shoot up... all at once!

Rock on Tina! You fill our glasses with toxins and ooze, speed our libidos toward STDS, and cloud our futures with a chalky haze envied only by the most self loathsome of souls. I spit in my hat for you.

More by Warren Samu

aka thegecko