Why are people unfaithful in marriage when they know the end result could be a disaster?

Many problems are totally preventable. Even though problems are avoidable, few people take the actions necessary to prevent their occurrence. For example, take a look at the leading causes of death in the United States:

Number of deaths for leading causes of death

• Heart disease: 631,636
• Cancer: 559,888
• Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 137,119
• Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 124,583
• Accidents (unintentional injuries): 121,599
• Diabetes: 72,449
• Alzheimer's disease: 72,432
• Influenza and Pneumonia: 56,326
• Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 45,344
• Septicemia: 34,234

Even though these health conditions kill people and are preventable, people do not take the action to keep them from occurring. The result of these conditions is life threatening, yet the preventatives steps are often ignored. These reactions of the public to such conditions can provide enlightenment on other preventable problems, such as affairs. When people do not take life-threatening situations seriously, what is there to make them take the life-threatening situation of an affair seriously? Bear in mind that many homicides and deaths are associated with affairs, not to mention lawsuits, reputations and divorces.

A majority of affairs are totally preventable. Even though they are preventable, people do not take the necessary steps to keep them from happening. In working with couples, many are not interested when they were presented with actions they could take to prevent affairs from occurring. Instead, they prefer to wait until they are in crisis mode.

When I offered services that focused on prevention, there were few takers. The public were largely not interested in finding out what was necessary to prevent affairs. When my services shifted to repairing the damage, people were extremely interested. When couples are in ‘crisis’ mode, they mobilize their resources and take action to repair the situation. When in that mode, they want action and they want it fast.

After seeing the phenomena, of people wanting the cure rather than the preventative, I pondered the reason or reasons for the difference. I followed up my questioning with research on the topic.

The first answer to why people wanted help after the affair rather than before the affair was that they were in pain. The level of discomfort motivated them to take action. Prior to having the affair, they were oblivious to the pain. They often knew the dangers, yet those dangers were not real until they felt the pain directly. When the pain impacts them directly, they take action. Prior to that point, the pain and damage of affairs is something for movies, television shows and books. When it happens to them, then it becomes real.

When people are in pain, they take action. The action often focuses on reducing the pain rather than doing the ‘right thing’. Any action that reduces the level of discomfort or pain is considered as viable. They often find themselves reacting rather than thinking through what they are doing.

Pain is a major motivator of human behavior. When people are in enough pain, they take action. The reduction of pain is often the main motivation behind such behavior. The pain in question with affairs is often emotional, yet can also be physical or spiritual in nature.

The answer of pain addressed some aspects of affairs, but did not satisfy the need for understanding the phenomena of affairs (cheating, adultery, etc.). Pain explains what motivates people to take action, but does not explain how they could ignore the possible consequences. The pain factor explained some aspects behind their motivation for action, although there were still some things missing.

In working with couples, another behavior involved in affairs concerned the ‘automatic pilot’ phenomena. Many times the persons who cheated acted as if they were on automatic pilot. This degree of the automatic pilot functioning can vary from person to person. With some people, they are totally ‘out of it’ that they can not recall having engaged in affair behavior. In all sincerity, they report not having had an affair because they sincerely believe they have not. Since they were on automatic pilot, they were largely ‘out of it’. Such states of consciousness can occur naturally. The situation is worsened when there is a history of abuse, or drug/alcohol abuse.

Spouses whose partners have cheated on them have often learned to identify when the cheater is in such a mode of behavior. They seem to be ‘out of it’, distracted, daydreaming, ‘living in another world’ or ‘distant’. Some spouses report that the cheater seems as if they are in a trance-like state at this time.

When cheaters are in ‘auto-pilot’, they often reacted to situations around them, yet rarely seemed to be alert. On closer observation, they behaved like someone who was intoxicated. There were many similarities between their behavior and hypnotic states. When they were in the automatic pilot mode, they were totally given over to their lusts without considering consequences. While in that mode, they only wanted satisfaction. They were unresponsive to considerations of consequences of their actions. They were not thinking ahead, they were only thinking of what they wanted.

There has been an increase in the popularity of zombie movies in the recent decade, which shows me that people are becoming more aware of others at time resorting to the mindless, automatic pilot states of being. The automatic pilot state of being is often worsened by the use of drugs and alcohol. A surprising number of affairs involve alcohol or drugs to one degree or another. When under the intoxicating effects of the drugs, the adulterer finds themselves reacting without thinking. They are able to engage in behaviors that would normally induce guilt, without such reaction.