You look so absurd. You look so obscene.

Ministry nailed that one and that was before all these fake 80's costumes started popping up a year or two ago. Admit it, they're like a tragic car crash for us Gen Xer's. You don't want to look, but you can't help it. And lordy, they are bad. Were the 80's really that hideous?

It's gotten even worse this year with the launch of the Michael Jackson collection which features costumes priced at $100 and up that recreate famous ensembles of his career. Minus the hair, the Bass Weejuns, the glitter socks and of course,the glove. So in the consideration of others, not so blessed with my cursed long memory, I thought I would post this little helpful how-to guide for the would-be 80's revivalists out there:

Recreating the Eighties is not as easy as you think. For starters, a lot of people wore vintage clothing-Cyndi Lauper is the main offender in this category. So you already are dealing with another time frame in many cases that isn't easy to recreate. Cyndi's trademark big skirts are from the 50's, and it looks like she is wearing merry widow corsets (complete with garters) on top of them most of the time. And these are not easily obtained or recreated, unless you have dough to blow or are a good sewer. And the ugly truth is still that there is almost no such thing as popular "elegant" 80's hair. Mohawks, feathering, mullets, Jheri curls, big hair, all these looks polluted the landscape of the decade. Sade had the best look going if you ask me. But you didn't, so keep that in mind when capping off your costume. The worse your hair looks, probably the more authentic you will look!

Jewelry for women was often big and loud-big hoops, crosses, big buttons, squares, triangles, zig-zags, etc. But not the chandelier earrings we see today. Necklaces were large and chunky. And plastic in all colors was really popular. Gold too if you were a rapper. Rappers liked big gold rope chains and dollar signs. And Kangol hats. You just had to have one of those.

Music videos are a good record for the most part of what would have been fashionable around a certain time, plus or minus a year. For most acts, anyways. You can find an endless array of ideas just watching VH1 Classic's 80's shows. But..please people, very, very, very few people dressed like Boy George! People wanted to look like Cyndi, or Madonna, or Prince. But not the Boy. Some images are just too...unique...for mass consumption. And this is also true for the "Flock of Seagulls hair". You didn't see that on the streets. And I hate to bust people's bubbles here, but the cool guys in school did not look anything like Ferris or Duckie. Sorry.

So with few exceptions, you can recreate an 80's look yourself. You do not need to buy special Halloween costumes/items to recapture that era. Unless you have to have the lace mitts or neon bangles, you can do it yourself for less. If you are gung-ho about doing Madonna or Devo to a T, you are going to have to dig around to find a Boy Toy belt or the flower pot hat. And yes, they are out there to be had. But they will not be super-cheap. Otherwise, you need to find clothes with: Geometric patterns. Acid washed denim, preferably tight. Denim or black leather jackets are good. Bright colors (red, yellow, turquoise, hot pink), belts with big buckles, and of course, those pesty spandex pants. PLEASE, do everyone a favor and do not wear those if you do not look like David Lee Roth in them. If you are going for something more general, you are looking for something with shoulder emphasis. The upper torso was always emphasized, whether you were wearing baggy jeans or a spandex dress. That is true the entire decade and really even into the early 1990s. Just watch the pilot of the X-Files and dig Scully's big shoulders on her ugly jacket! And this was in 1993, way after Dynasty.

Nothing says 80's like an all black outfit with white sneakers or red shoes. Especially if you can find a skinny tie in a contrasting print. And stick lots of buttons on your jacket. Sometimes you can find band ones around, or on eBay. Colors were brighter in the 80's, for men and women. Bright red and pink were very popular, with bright yellow as a runner-up. Hot pink with black polka dots is a classic 80's fabric, as would be anything brightly colored with black tiger stripes or leopard stripes. Unless you were a goth, in which case, skip to the last paragraph.

I'm also not sure why people think lamé and fishnet tights are so 80's. Fishnets are a punk/goth/rock staple still and easy to find. Lace hose were really popular in the mid-80's, and I tend to think of them as being more typical of the era than the fishnets. I have it on good authority that it's easier to buy cheap pantyhose and rip them yourself. And nobody really wore those weird lined sunglasses they're selling. They wore the ones Tom Cruise wears in Risky Business, or aviator glasses. Seriously. Only dorks wore those plastic lined ones, or the one-piece ones with the line around them. Usually dorks that liked Devo. And the whole leggings under the dress thing was only from about 1985-1987. Keep that in mind. If you do try that, you'll need big hair to go with it. And a short jacket.

Leather? It was everywhere. Mostly in black, but sometimes red and white as well. Hats, jackets, pants, vests, you name it, it came in leather. For shoes, people did actually wear those granny boots. Very mid-1980's. Converse were big until about 1987. And if you are doing Run DMC, Addias ONLY, please. Doc Martens? Not until the early 90's and grunge. Boots were odd looking this decade. The little boots that look like something out of Robin Hood were really popular, as were metal tipped cowboyish ones by the end of decade. George Michael has a great pair of those on in his "Faith" video. Those are really hard to find these days, so stick to the little ones. The little anklet socks were certainly worn and are a total pain in the ass! They wrinkle up and fall down, plus get stuck in your shoes. Girls often wore those over their tights. Notice I say girls. This look wasn't for Kate Bush or Grace Jones any day of the week. If you wear those, stick with the pumps. And not strappy pumps. Those weren't popular. Neither were strappy sandals of any kind. And forget platforms. They were horribly out of date the whole decade. If you are serious about your Jacko costume, he wore black Bass Weejun loafers. They are expensive, but are pretty durable and useful outside of Halloween. Another very 80's shoe is the plastic jelly, which is hard to come by in it's eighties state. They were also uncomfortable, sweaty, and rocks would get stuck in the heels. Again, they had a shelf life from only very late 1983-1984. And no, Crocs can't pass for them!

Because it is black and has a spider or bat on it does not, I repeat, DOES NOT make it Goth. Real Goths are something different altogether and are a topic all on their own, which I will have to cover in another article. I would say if you want to do 80's, stay away from the Goth look altogether. It wasn't as big, and you just would get lumped into a generic grouping of "punk" back then, anyways. As punk tends to have a look of it's own, there is no real generic 80's punk look, unless you want to wear a Skinny Puppy or Suicidal Tendencies tee with your outfit. The only useful tip I can offer for the 80's punk look is to avoid platform shoes, don't do the safety pin thing and the tats/piercing trend was not as big just yet, so cover 'em up and take them out.

Videos to watch:

Faith-George Michael. Good example of what guys wore in late 80's. Straight guys, that is. We didn't talk about it back then, even though we all knew he wasn't.

Lucky Star-If you must do Madonna, this is her at her iconic best. Or worst, depending on what side of the fence you are on.

What's Love Got to Do With It? Tina Turner, showing a wide variety of people in typical mid-80's clothes.

Reflex-Duran Duran. I prefer this video over some of their more extravagant ones. Great example of mid 80's menswear. Duran Duran tend to be great examples of the latest trends in menswear, as is George Michael, even to this day.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody-Whitney Houston. I like this video because she is so young, energetic, and such a great fashion plate for the late 1980's in this.

Anything by Sade-so you can see that the whole of the decade was not horrid and tacky.

Jump-Van Halen. This is where every headbanger image stereotype began.

The very early 80's (1980-1983) tend to be a bit rough to find really good examples of, so I would recommend Pat Benetar for women and Rolling Stones videos for men. They give you a good generalization of things without going to extremes. Ditto for the very late 80's, which was moving towards the 70's revival and grunge of the 1990's.

So have fun, don't spend too much money, and be grateful if you can't remember thinking this stuff looked cool the first time around!