Why committed relationships don't work
67Commitment = obligation
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Commitment means to duty or pledge to something or someone, and can refer to:
Personal commitment, interaction dominated by obligations. These obligations may be mutual, or self-imposed, or explicitly stated, or may not. Distinction is often made between commitment as a member of an organization (such as a sporting team, a religion, or as an employee), and a personal commitment, which is often a pledge or promise to ones' self for personal growth.
Very often people speak about having or wanting a ‘committed relationship'. My question is: why?
Why would you want your significant other to feel obliged to do or say things? Why would you yourself submit yourself to these obligations?
The fact, that something is experienced as an obligation implies that we would rather not do it, if given the chance. However, since we have committed ourselves, we feel that we must.
Obligations limit us in the choices that we can make. Choices we make out of commitment are not truly heartfelt. By introducing commitment into a relationship we take away some of the free will and introduce expectations. Most people are willing to commit, but they want something in return.
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The best relationships are free from obligations
If you truly love someone you will want to give. Unconditionally. You will give without expecting anything, yet you will receive everything. Most relationships start out that way. Both partners are willing to give and willing to share. Simply because they love each other. Too often as time passes people start expecting things from each other. And if the other does not meet those expectations there will be disappointment. And all of the sudden you have issues. You'll get into discussions. "You did this" or "didn't do that". "Yes, but you did this". Discussions about how the other one has not lived up to his or her part of the bargain. Discussions that force the other into defense or apology. Expectations will get you opposite rather than next to each other.
So let's go back to the beginning. Remember how the two of you connected? Remember how the two of you enjoyed the things you did? Remember how good it felt that the other did something for you, just because (s)he wanted to do that? Remember how rich you felt when you received without having asked? Remember how good you felt if you could give, not because it was expected of you, but because you wanted to?
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Comments
Why thank you :)
Hmmm. Another interesting topic from you. Unconditional love, to me, is love that will last no matter what. If two people part ways, and many years down the road know that they still feel love for that other person, that is of course, love with no conditions. It's love that just is. Now, if a man indicates to me that he loves me, and if he encourages my love of him, (this works in reverse as well), I feel that he has accepted the responsibility to care for and nurture the love I have for him. It also means that I have the right to certain expectations or conditions, if there is indeed a relationship. He has the right to walk away if he finds them unacceptable. I have the right to expect fidelity, exclusivity, honesty, communication, an occassional sweet word and gentle touch and other things that were in place before the courtship was complete. Those are committments. And, I am definitely going to be disappointed if such things can't be agreeable to him. Because I have encouraged his love of me I feel I have the same resposibilities to him and that love. I think that committment being an obligation depends on the conditions or needs as well as the type of committment being sought. To me, it's a gift...a loving one...and mutual. It's no good if I have to demand it. It does have to be given. But I don't think it's unhealthy for it to be desired or expected. I may still love him, but I won't stay if he's out honky tonking every night. That's a condition. I hope this makes sense. Sorry it's so long!
No apology needed, A. Jill. This subject is not something that can be dealt with in one liners.
As you can expect I have a slightly different view. I don’t expect the one I love to do anything. I don’t feel I have the responsibility or obligation to care for and nurture the love that is there. I care for this love, because I want to. I give without expecting anything in return. I don’t think that I have any right.
We do agree on the main thing, though: love is a gift and it flourishes when it’s freely given.
In my experience giving without wanting anything back is the purest way to experience love. I don’t want or expect anything, yet I receive so much more than I could hope for.
First, congratulations on experiencing such a happy and healthy love in life. And, I do consider your view and your ability to adhere to it commendable. I happen to love someone who lives far from me. I have expected, hoped, needed, wanted, desired, that he would be more of a precense in my days and nights. I will always love him, I have loved him in mostly absentee for a long time. That's the unconditional part of my love for him. I did expect that we would be together one day. That expectation has pretty much bit the dust. That was the conditional part of my love...to want to be together. I can't see that as an unhealthy expection, except that possibly it has been misplaced. Maybe there's a difference in definition of expections and conditions.
Forgot to sign in first again!
Looks like I can't spell expectation!
Mind you, I don’t consider your expectations as being unhealthy, bad or wrong. In fact, these expectations are quite human. Most of us are brought up with the (unsaid) advice to expect things from life. Getting rid of those expectations is not easy. I don’t always succeed, believe me. I only think that we can enjoy things (such as being together, for example) the most if we enjoy them in the present. Without any thoughts or feelings from the past, without any thoughts or feelings in the future.
Let me put it this way: if you would have known that you wouldn’t see you love ever again, would you have done things differently the last time you were with him?
Hi Ananta :) Thank you for your comment on my soul mate hub. Before I read your thoughts on soul mates, I stumbled upon this and your thoughts are very fascinating! A successful relationship calls for no strings attached sort of thing, but can we say that to a certain degree, our clasp on the relationship is necessary because human nature takes the doormat mentality for granted? Perhaps a some-strings attached mode better fits ;D
To answer your question, undoubtedly, I would do some things differently. I think of that often concerning my late husband. For one, when he was wishing he could have a cigarette, intead of holding them out on him, I would have given him a whole pack. No matter how well we might have interacted with a loved one when with them last, there will always be something that we think we could have done to make their last day better. I cared for him for over a month with my only expection that he get well and live for me. Because of him, I know how unexpectedly short life can be and that time is passing quickly, and that more time spent apart is less memories being made. I would expect that my love want, as I do, to make good use of time and to behave as though there is no "later", no tomorrow. There is, as you say, only "Now".
You're welcome, Quensday. At the end of the day each relationship will be different. For me, I spend time with my loved one and give because I want to, not because she expects me to. And I don't expect anything from her either. I simply cherish the time we have and things we do.
A. Jill. In a loving relationship, your love will want that, with ot without you expecting him to.
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GoogleCashMoney says:
18 months ago
Wow. Great Hub.