Why do men, (and SOME women) think cheating isn't a big deal?

"My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old."
Gracie Allen


John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Hugh Grant, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrinch....what do they have in common? They cheated, and it made the papers and cost them dearly.

Why would a man risk his reputation, his marriage, his career even, for a little nookie on the side? The truth is, 1 in every 2.7 men will cheat sooner or later, according to relationship expert Gary Neuman, author of "The Truth About Cheating." Over 50 million American men are currently cheating on their wives. And contrary to what you might think, they don't do it just for the sex.

"All men are tempted. There is no man that lives that can't be broken down, provided it is the right temptation, put in the right spot."
Henry Ward Beecher

Top Six Reasons Why Men Cheat
According to Steve Santagati, author of Why Men Cheat, there are six basic reasons men offer for cheating.

1) she ain't what she used to be--she gained weight, got lazy, stopped taking care of herself.

But actually 88% of men surveyed didn't think their girlfriend was actually better looking than their wife. When Hugh Grant went to a prostitute instead of Elizabeth Hurley, (widely considered the most beautiful woman in the world at that time, ) it probably wasn't because the hooker was prettier. In reality, men's number one complaint is the infrequency of sex. Not what she does, how she does it, or even what she looks like doing it--but how frequently.

Fewer than 10% of men say that they were unhappy with their sex lives, or that their girlfriend was better-looking or sexier than their wife, according to Neuman.

2) she's always nagging--they don't get along. I've certainly experienced this. I had a few boyfriends who cheated on me whenever we had a fight, and a few who cheated with me whenever they had a fight with the Other Woman. It's easier to approach someone else, when you're not getting along. Sometimes men cheat to get out of the relationship, or because they want to leave, but are afraid of being alone. They're attracted to the new girl, but they're afraid she'll dump them, so they keep the wife or girlfriend at home, just in case it doesn't work out. It's cowardly, but common. These are the guys who approach women with their tale of woe, "my wife doesn't understand me," but then never leave their wives.

3) The thrill of the forbidden-sex is like a watermelon, better when you are stealing it. See Steve Whitehouse, the man who's had 46 affairs. A man who depends on the excitement of forbidden fruit, for sexual enjoyment, isn't likely to be loyal to anyone for the long haul. If all men were really like this, we wouldn't see very many of them in long-term relationships.

4) He still hasn't sown his oats and thinks he needs more experience.  I've got very little to say on this topic, really, except that if it really matters that much to him, maybe he and his partner should agree that they BOTH need to experiment. There's no excuse for lying about it.

5) Biology--the boy can't help it. Some biologists have proposed a theory that cheating is built right into men. See Steve Whitehouse again. The idea of just not cheating doesn't seem to occur to some men. They treat it like it's in their natures. There is a biological incentive for males to impregnate as many females as they can, so that their seed is planted in as many pots as possible. Biology rewards women for sustaining relationships with men who'll feed them and their babies, instead of for scattering their seed far and wide. But there is something to be said for having several contributing papas, not just one. And there are men, (1.7 in every 2.7, apparently,) who can and do resist cheating. So this biological imperative argument is actually a shaky one. Some biologists have gone so far as to suggest that testicle size is what determines whether a man is going to be capable of loyalty to one woman, or not.

6) it's not just sex--he wants someone to make him feel special. He wants attention. She's interested in him. Are you?
48% of men who cheated, cited emotional dissatisfaction as their top, #1 reason.

"I would challenge the wife to find out what kind of wife she's being. Is she being supportive and approving and loving? Is she being sexually intimate and affectionate? Is she making him feel like he's her man? If she's not doing that, then she's contributing to his wrong choice."--Dr. Laura Schlesinger Granted, it should be a two-way street here. He ought to be making her feel special, too. But if you're in a Mexican stand-off, where you're not going to show him special attention until he shows you some, you're in for a long wait. Someone has to crack first, and if you want him to stay faithful, it's going to have to be you.

The average couple spends less than 10 minutes a day talking to each other. Small wonder men don't feel appreciated, and women don't always feel comfortable enough to have sex. When intimacy dwindles, people stop wanting sex with each other and start considering it with someone else.

How Can You Tell if He's Cheating?
"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." -- Robert Louis Stevenson

He's not going to tell you he's cheating. Only 7% of men will do that, and if he's actually confessing, he's either pretty sure you won't leave him over it, or he's done with you. 66% feel guilty during the affair, but not guilty enough to confess.

8 Ways To Tell if he's Cheating

* He spends more time away from the house.
* You have less sex.
* He avoids contact.
* He does not answer his cell phone.
* He criticizes you more.
* He's suddely very protective of his cell phone, computer, bills, etc....
* He's suddenly very suspicious of you.
* He suddenly brings you roses or other gifts for no reason, when he's never done that before.

Also: unexplained charges on his credit card bill at places you've never been to together, or new numbers on his cell phone bill, frequent calls to those numbers, are a pretty sure sign that something is up. 200 e-mail messages from a woman ought to be a clue, too. And if suddenly all he can talk about is some woman he met at work, he's probably cheating, or about to. 40% of cheaters surveyed met the other woman at work.

So You Know he's Cheating--What Do You Do Now?

This answer is going to be different for different people. For some, religious beliefs and other factors make leaving out of the question. It may be time to walk away, or it may be the wake up call you both need, to start working harder on showing love and appreciation for one another.

Women face these types of decisions daily, probably more than ever, since the computer age has made cheating more accessible, said Stephany Alexander, a Phoenix-based self-styled expert on online dating and dalliances.

"It's not so easy to walk away," said Alexander, who through her Web site, www.womansavers.com, has heard countless stories of women dealing with cheating spouses. "There are ways to recover from this. You can try therapy, but it's a long road." Trust can be very hard to rebuild, but it's essential if you're going to continue the relationship.

Some Helpful Websites:
Beyond Affairs Network
Passionate Life Seminar

A lot of women choose to simply walk away. It's the simplest solution and the surest way to be safe. Very often when a man is forgiven for cheating, he takes this as permission to cheat again, and the couple get locked into a pattern. The only way to be certain he knows you won't put up with it, is to walk out the door. Unfortunately, that means you're out there again, looking for that man who won't cheat on you.

Hint: If he cheats on his wife with you, he's more likely to cheat on you. Especially if he has a long history of cheating.

"In order to stop themselves from cheating, some guys carry around a picture of their wife so they can pull it out and remind themselves of what they have. That didn't work for me, so I carry around a picture of my wife's attorney."
--Chico Marx