The recovery community often uses saying and catchy phrases that contain wisdom in a pithy format. Being that they deal with hurting people on a day in and day out basis, they have developed an awareness of human nature. A saying heard in the recovery community concerning infidelity is that “No one leaves a good lover, except a sex addict”. Such sayings provide insights into human behavior and often provide clues concerning human nature and where to look for possible answers.

The answer also steps on people's toes in that one is forced to face that either they are not a good lover or that their spouse is a sex addict. Either option is emotinally painful and requires effort to change. Bear in mind that the material in this hub is no substitute for a professional assessment and evaluation. The material is based on working with couples who have worked through the underlying issues rather than settling for symptom relief.

Before assuming that you spouse is a sex addict, it will be important to honestly explore your spouse’s needs and your responsibilities. If “doing what your supposed to do at home” is based on something out of "Leave it to Beaver" or "Ozzie and Harriet", you may be operating under some false assumptions. (I chose these shows as reference points since many of the families portrayed on television are dysfunctional and would provide worse role models). Rather than assume you know what your spouse needs and whether you are meeting those needs, it may be necessary to do some soul searching for answers to those questions. Since affairs are not all about sex, it could be that needs are not being met regarding relationship or emotional issues.It could be that you and your spouse did not bond or attach to each other to the degree that you assumed. Attachments and bonding are arrived at through working on the relationship and the needs of each spouse. Problems with either being too distant or too attached are both problematic and destructive to the health of the relationship.

If you and your spouse have never talked about what each of your needs are, then this may be an opportunity to open a dialogue about your relationship. Rather than operate on assumptions, such discussions will reveal if each of you are doing what your supposed to do at home or what is needed in the home.

If you have addressed the needs, and discover that you are doing all that is needed in the home, the answer to the question then lies with your spouse. It is at this point, that addressing issues like history of sexual abuse or sexual addictions are needed. Although you know about your spouses past, you may need to address issues at a deeper level and honestly address sexual history. Given that affairs are a pattern that often recurs in some families, you may want to not only look at your spouse's history, but that of his family as well. Since sexual matters are personal and often involve many issues concerning shame, the topic will need to be addressed with sensitivity and understanding.

Discovering that your spouse has a sexual addiction does not mean that the marriage is over. It means that he has a problem that needs to be dealt with. Dealing with such problems is a long term challenge. Although couples enjoy sex, it can be used a a way to control, manipulate and avoid emotional closeness and bonding that are essential for healthy marriages.

Some couples engage in sexual activity rather than face discussions about needs or their relationship. They operate on the assumption that sex is their greatest need and that they are nothing without their partner, that they must have sex to feel good about themselves and other similar thoughts. It is when they operate under such false assumptions that sexual addictions can flourish.

Working on finding ways to address that problem will require teamwork. During this time, he will need you more than before. He will need your support rather than your condemnation of him. His behaviors will need to be confronted. It may need to be confronted on a regular basis. It is important to confront the behavior and not to attack their person. You will need to separate who they are from what they do.

You may want to consider support groups that can provide assistance in overcoming sexual addictions as well. One of the harsh findings that healthcare professionals have found is that sexual addicts are often in relationships with persons struggling with sexual anorexia. The extremes of the two disorders often keep the pair in crisis mode. Breaking the patterns of sexual addiction requires honest concerning sexual behaviors and attitudes.

In overcoming sexual addictions, it is important to recognize that the struggle is often long term. Although the impulsive acting out may end relatively soon, the thinking and problem solving take longer to change. The behaviors often change long before the lifestyle and thinking changes. Spouses may find that there is 20-30 year struggle to fully overcome addictive issues, as the person learns to live a healthy lifestyle.