Why do some men cheat?
62What is being asked by the question "Why do some men cheat?"
I often warn people to be careful what you are asking for. The reason is that people often find what they are seeking. When the information they are seeking is of a general nature, then general answers are what they find. When they are looking for specific answers as “What drove my husband to cheat with that woman at work?” the answers they discover have more direct applications.
In posing the question “why” do some men cheat, people are looking for answers. They want simple, easy to understand answers to explain what motivated a man to ‘cheat’. When wives pose such questions, they are often seeking who or what is to blame for the cheating activity. Such questions look for a donkey to pin the tail of blame on for what happened rather than what can be done to correct, rectify or improve the situation.
The structure of the question, “Why do some men cheat?” also suggests a search for ‘skeleton key’ type answers. Much like skeleton keys of the past opened many doors, skeleton key answers provide quickie explanations for some men in general. Such quickie answers can be applied to a large portion of the gender population. Such answers do little to help them understand their own husband and what his motivations were for cheating.
Even the selection of the term ‘cheating’ is revealing. Cheating is often used in referring to doing something unsportsmanlike, or where deceit is involved. The cheater is seen as the only person who benefits from the activity. Use of the term ‘adultery’ carries with it the concept of unlawful relations, and criminal conversations. The term ‘adultery’ also carries with it a malicious intent. Conversely, cheating does not carry the malicious aspect to it.
Factors to consider regarding cheating
In discovering what motivates some men to cheat, there are many factors to consider. Each of these factors colors how the ‘cheating’ behavior will be considered. Some of the factors to consider include:
- Does the man consider cheating as immoral?
- Does the man believe that he must be 100% faithful to his spouse?
- Does the man believe that he can have more than one wife or more than one love in his life?
- Does the man have a physical condition that causes him to loose control of his impulses?
- Does the man have a substance abuse problem?
- Does the man have a sexual addiction problem?
- Does the man have difficulty saying no to sexual advances from women?
- Was the man trapped in a compromising situation by those seeking to use it to their advantage?
- Was the man a victim of slander and rumors?
- Did the man think he was smarter than his wife?
Once these factors are considered, it will help the person asking the question “Why do some men cheat?” to make more sense of their situation.
Motives for cheating
The motives for cheating are varied. Below is a list of some of the motives given by people who cheated on their wife. Inclusion in the list does not mean that they clinically explained reasons, but rather the motivations that were given. Some of the motives for cheating:
- Need for excitement/stimulation.
- Lack of self control.
- Believed they deserved to cheat
- The woman they cheated with reminded them of someone.
- The opportunity presented itself.
- Sex life at home was unfulfilling.
- Sex life at home was over stimulating
- Need for someone who admires them.
- Need for someone younger.
- Wife no longer takes care of herself.
- Flirting got out of hand.
- I was having a good laugh.
- Revenge.
- The woman was asking for it.
- It was a dare.
- The friendship got out of hand.
- She came onto me.
- I was drunk/stoned.
- Peer pressure
- I wanted to see if I could do it.
- I felt driven to be with her.
If you are wanting a window into the mindset of many who cheat, there are websites on the internet such as textsfromlastnight.com that posts text messages sent on cell phones. Seeing for yourself the messages sent provides insight concerning how some men think and act in situations where cheating occurs. Some of the messages may upset wives, while some are humorous.
- Survive Infidelity :: Save Your Marriage :: Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC, LMFT
Surviving infidelity and saving your marriage is easier with help. Jeffrey D. Murrah LPC has been working with couples since 1981, helping them overcome the devastating effects of infidelity. Your marriage does not have to be another statistic. - Marriage and Family Counseling
You can take steps to restore your marriage and family. Articles and counseling contact information.
Blog on Surviving Affairs
- Blaming!
One of the easiest things to do in the aftermath of an affair is blaming. When news of the affair comes out, there is a sensation of being stunned (or exposed). In response to this experience, the stunned (or exposed) party often reacts with anger and quickly seeks someone or something to blame for what [...] - 8 hours ago
- Loyalty in a small town
In a small town affairs present unique challenges. Among those challenges is dealing with the loyalties. Many times secrets are kept in place by a series of loyalties. Out of loyalty to one or more of the parties, little is said. The assumption is that in order to ‘keep the peace’ one keeps their mouth [...] - 23 hours ago
- Having an affair with the church
One of the sensitive issues that arises in dealing with affair concerns ministers. One of the challenges faced by ministers or any religious leader is that of devoting more time and attention to the church than to their spouse. Those in ministry often make excuses for their over-involvement and can generate many good sounding excuses [...] - 2 days ago
Resources around the United States
- Stone Gate Resources | Brief Intensive Counseling | Biblical Counseling
Offering resources to deal with the problems of sexual addiction, affairs, pornography, and sexual misconduct. Dr. Schaumburg is a licensed counselor with twenty years of experience in treating sexual problems from a biblical perspective. - CrossRoads Counseling of the Rockies
- Infidelity:Is it love or love addiction?
Is it Love or Love Addiction? By Jeffrey D. Murrah When people start a new relationship, even an affair, there is excitement. In the case of an affair, there is the excitement of learning... - Infidelity:Is it an affair or sex addiction?
Is it an affair or a sex addiction? Adulterers have a way of making bad decisions sound good. They manage to twist and distort the truth about their choices and situation into something... - Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice
Insightful answers to questions about love, adultery, marriage counseling, and love. Extensive infidelity recovery support is also available.
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Comments
Thank you frogyfish. Although I often wish that affairs were always cut and dried matters, they often are not. There are things to be learned from the cheater, the resoloute spouse, and the lover. Each of them are hurting (or foolish, drunk, selfish) and have some insights to bring to the situation. Over the years, they have each taught me lessons that helped me understand those that are hurting and struggling.
As a drummer in a rock band I can attest to what is required NOT to cheat on one's wife: A spiritual and moral grounding as to what is right and what is wrong; a true sense of considering another person's mental and emotional health above one's own gratification; and understanding that one will eventually pay for one's sins—in this world and in the next.
James,
Thank you for your comment. If more men considered the long term consequences along with the BIG picture in terms of eternity, they would make different choices. Although I would rather deal with preventatives, human nature is such that many people only address the issue after it happens rather than taking steps to prevent it.
I think that often times when women ask this question, they are also asking for vindication and support. Why did my man cheat? He cheated because he was a bastard and not because of *me*.
Personally I think couples should have talks about their beliefs on cheating early on, when things are still going well, and there has not been any cheating yet. That way, they know for sure what the consequences are.
Once the cheating and especially the lies have occurred, it is a lot more difficult to salvage the situation.
Aya,
Early talks on cheating would certainly help. Although prevention is much to be preferred to the cure, the public behaves just the opposite. They would rather deal with the issue AFTER the damage occurs rather than before. They are driven by pain rather than by avoiding it through prevention.
If more couples addressed cheating in the early stages, it would make things clear. Even then there is a danger in that some men view such discussions as a permission to cheat. I recognize that it is not permission by any means, yet in the minds of people determined to excuse their actions, distort reality and cheat, they bend it to what they want it to be.
I really hates of being cheated because i'm doing right for him. And why is that men are always trying to see another girl though he was already got married? If they could see sexy ladies passby his eyes were following the girl and if not satisfied his body would turn just to see the girl. Is that the men really is?
caredy,
Thank you for writing. There are many varied reasons behind men wanting MORE. It would be nice if there was one answer that could explain it all. I could tell you that it is because all men have sinful nature, yet that would not explain why some men do not cheat. I could tell you that some men operate on an animal instinct level when it comes to relationships. I could tell you that some men are addicted to sex. I could tell you that many men in many cultures have either lost respect for the institution of marriage or do not understand what it means to enter that institution. There are merits to each of these, yet they do not explain the generalized question "why is that men are always trying to see another girl though he was already got married?". There is no simple answer to explain all 'men'. Even if I had a simple answer, it would not explain why some women cheat as well.
I am wondering if men are just programmed to cheat. When you look at sex and reproduction, which sex is really all about, it makes "sense" that the males are going to want to impregnant as many women as possbile. Of course we are no longer living in caveman days, but our brains are still the same.
In this day and age, there are so many health risks associated with cheating, you just never know what you might get and give back to your spouse. It is NOT worth it. If you really feel that you cannot live unless you are with this other person, then do the right thing and get a divorce first. Don't go behind someone's back and cheat, and just remember, if he cheated with you, he will probably cheat on you!
BTW- there are women out there who enjoy breaking up a marriage on purpose! They are not able to have a happy marriage of their own, so if they are miserable, they are going to make other miserable as well.
Obvioulsy these women are sick, but they will go after a man, just for the hell of it, ruin his marriage and his life and then move on to the next. Men, the dummies that they are, never see it coming.
Also, women cheat for other reasons entirley, it is NOT about the sex. It is about the CONTROL through sex that turns on most women.
magnoliazz,
Wow! You have some great insights. I don't know if I would say that men are programmed to cheat. I do believe that many men have fantasies about services more than one woman. They believe that they are "MAN" enough to keep several women happy. Unfortunately the sexual revolution and the 'playboy' philosophy have contributed to that mindset.
One of the tenets of the sexually addicted mind is that sex is of primary importance. The over emphasis on sex and thinking that sex is the primary component of marriage is a recipe for infidelity. They are unaware that marriage involves love and the molding and shaping of people from a selfish mindset to one of considering the needs and wants of others ahead of oneself. The mere thought of 'death to self/selfishness' is taboo to many people and the antithesis of the playboy philosophy.
The risks (health, emotional, psychological, spiritual, etc.) associated with an affair are tremendous. Sadly, many fools think only of immediate physical/sensual gratification rather than the impact of their actions. You are correct, when you mention that the right or honest thing is to divorce and then gratify. Rather than do the right thing, they want their cake and to eat it to. They do not want to share their cake with others, yet they want to eat others cakes. In the cheating world, it is amazing how karma or ironic justice does come around and return their cheating behavior back on them.
In terms of the women who enjoy breaking up marriages. Yes, they exist. Some do this for fun, some for revenge, some for financial gain. Such practices are common in the spy world, where the idea of exploiting people through sex is taken to a new level. I have seen similar mindset in some of the strippers and cult members that I have worked with. When sex is used as a form of control, things get weird quickly. When the sex and control lines blur, things spin out of whack to where they are hardly recognizable. I may end up having to do a hub addressing that issue.
Thank you for stopping by and contributing your thoughts and insights.
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frogyfish says:
7 months ago
You've about said it all, both ways. A lot of truth to be explored here. Thank you for sharing so well.