Why do some single women actively seek married men?
83What does the research on relationships say?
The motivations for a single woman to seek the companionship of a married man are varied. It would be a mistake to assume that single women in those situations all share the same motivations. Some single women do indeed seek out married men. Since the motivations are varied, when a man is married, overweight or loosing their hair does not mean that there are no longer any women seeking them out.
In some cases they are driven by attraction. Behavioral scientists are still researching attraction between people and what motivates it. The present state of research into the area by John Jacobs has identified the four main factors behind attraction as:
1) distress
2) identity enhancement
3) aging and social pressure
4) sexual desires.
These factors are at work in all relationships, not just single women and the married men they are attracted to. With single women, they take on some unique attributes.
Distress and other factors
In the case of distress, the married man is often seen as a ticket out of their situation. The present situation or status is viewed as being stressful. The married man is viewed as being the vehicle or way out of the situation. In such cases, both parties are using the other for convenience. Although the married man may legitimately be trying to help a maiden in distress, the help is often sexualized and turns into something else. In some cases the sexualizing of the relationship is accidental, in some cases, it is intentional.
With identity enhancement, the married man is seen as a way to improve who they are. The married man is viewed as having something that they are missing. The myth behind this one is that the married man will “complete me”. This is one of the reasons that some single women fall in love with their pastors, teachers, professors, or other person of some social standing. The married man is viewed as essential to their achieving their potential.
Aging and social pressure are powerful motivators. Rather than be seen as a spinster or even out of fears of being a spinster, the single woman often feels driven to take action. The intensity of this drive increases as age increases. Along with age are the social pressures. One person explained it to me that “nature abhors a vacuum”. For various reasons, a single woman whether from the death of a spouse, or divorce often finds herself being pressured by others to have a relationship than stay single.
Love Addiction with Jef Gazly
Sexual and Romantic attraction
Sexual desires are also a strong motivator. With the use of sexual performance enhancing drugs, and loosening morals there are increased emphases on sexual activity. The increased pressure on people to have sexual relations also impacts single women and married men. When faced with tempting situations or over stimulation, they are vulnerable to acting on their sexual urges. There are various factors that drive this desire. In some cases, smell, visual attraction, cultural issues or the excitement of something different are all factors in the who one people find themselves sexually attracted to. A close cousin to sexual attraction is romantic attraction. In such cases, the single woman needs the emotional stimulation that sex or romantic involvement bring. Like a drug addict, they go from relationship to relationship seeking a buzz. Such people only feel like themselves when they are at the heightened levels stimulation that such romantic and sexual liaisons provide.
Relationship Attraction based on our weaknesses by Connie Podestra
Lessons from Experience
In my own dealing with people, I have also seen other factors at work. One of the reasons given to me by a single woman was “security”. She relayed that she intentionally picked someone who was married to have a relationship with. She wanted a relationship that would not lead to a commitment. She wanted to be with someone who had the financial resources to have fun, but was not going to try and marry her. She wanted to have a special relationship, and did not want any of the strings attached that would come with a relationship with another single person. For her it was a built in form of security.
Another motivator I have come across was that of self-esteem. Some single women are competitive and enjoy the challenge of married men. In their minds, they feel like they are special if they can take a man from another woman. In such cases, they believe that the relationship enhances how they feel about themselves. In such cases, the men were more of a way of keeping score or a tally. The tally gave them reassurances that they were wanted and attractive.
Authors Links
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If your marriage needs help, you may need to take action now. - Surviving Infidelity :: Save Your Marriage | Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC
Surviving infidelity and saving your marriage is easier with help. Jeffrey D. Murrah LPC has been working with couples since 1981, helping them overcome the devastating effects of infidelity - Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair?
An affair does not have to mean that the marriage is over. You can strengthen your relationship after infidelity. There are steps that you and your spouse can take to improve your marriage, even after the hurt of an affair.Learn to avoid the mistakes
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Comments
I find the reasons cited in your "lessons from experience" as partucularly common ones, from my experience. Semi off the subject: Whatever is is that the man is seeking, he'll most likely get nothing but heartache. I've never strayed and never wanted to, but the cheating male will find himself in a world of trouble--from the mysterious phone calls to the wife to showing up at your door. Dont' do it! Not unless you really want the house of cards you are about to build come crashing down around you.
Triplet Mom,
Thank you for the request. It was a fascinating topic to investigate. The four factors by John Jacobs explain a great deal, and we are learning more about human relationships all the time. About the time we think we have the answers someone changes the questions.
Christoph,
Thanks for stopping by. You are correct about the house of cards and the dangers involved. One of my therapist friends once told me that men get involved in affairs out of stupidity. Although his comment sounded harsh, the short sighted thinking they do when a pretty woman looks at them sure sounds a lot some foolishness and pulling down their house of cards upon their own heads to me.
Ha! Men are not that innocent! Puhleaze!
Writer Rider,
No men are not innocent. They can lead on and start things as well. The reason they did not get the brunt of the responsibility was that the hub was in response to a particular question where the role of the single female was the focal point. Each gender plays a role in the affair dance and the men are not innocent by any means. They can make stupid choices, but stupidity does not equate to innocence.
The Seinfeld episode is a scream. Thorough job, except a poll would have improved the Hub. Women readers could be polled on whether they are or have been attracted to married men and referred to some of us married Hubbers! :-) BTW is that JD driving and discussing the Seinfeld episode about Costanza's experiment pretending to be married?
Great idea Ralph. It might channel some of the new hope and enthusiasm in a new direction. :) They might even do a little flirting as well.
This is a great post. I think that we all need to know that women are sexually active as much as men, but they are really good to hide it. I think many married men has a type of father figure that some women are looking for and it is forbidden love, which can make it more interesting for some of women. Anyway, thank you for sharing your opinion.
Five Elements,
Thank you for your comments. Both men and women can be initiators concerning affairs. Although the stereotype is that married men are at fault, the reality is that it takes two to tango. There are some cases where either the man or the woman was tricked, trapped and taken advantage of. My own experiences has been that the mutuall trick, trap and take advantage involves both parties.
murrah
it is the emotional quoient that works
women have emotional turmoil and always look for emotional security
when they comeacross a mature married man controlling the emotional doldrums under the lid they are naturally attracted and pour out their inner feelings
this becomes confession and most of the times men take advantage
women give in because they look up to them to comfort their peril
it becomes a vicious cycle.
tiny teddy,
I appreciate your input. There are many needs and perceived needs involved in seeking people out. It can become a vicious cycle, when people keep seeking the wrong solutions to thier needs.
Very informative. On such issues though, it is often unclear to me what is "right" and what is "wrong". Sometimes, infidelity or divorce may be the right thing in the long term even though it may cause some short term distress. Ultimately, more pain may result from staying with someone that you are no longer compatible with.
Aya_Hajime,
One of the challenges of infidelity is the emotional and mental confusion. People often rationalize make excuses for their choices afterwards. During this time of confusion, rather than use an objective measure of right and wrong those involved often used an emotion based measure of right and wrong. By changing the foundation to an emotional base, they are able to make choices they feel 'good' about without having to confront guilt associated with their choices. The use of emotinal measures or situational ethics is often used to excuse behaviors deemed not acceptable by objective moral measures. Those using those measure often do not consider that those objective moral measures have often been developed over generations and that the morals they advocate have been time tested.
I hear what you are saying.
My dad divorced my mom some time ago, and now he is very happy with my stepmother. Although that decision caused a fair amount of turmoil at the time, I think everyone ended up being much happier in the long term. Staying in a marriage that is filled with argument and strife would have just been terrible for everyone involved. If two people have grown apart, or were not that compatible to begin with, then it may be best to change the situation rather than live with it your entire life. But that is just what I think. Sometimes, there is no right or wrong; just people trying to do their best to live a happy life. :)
Aya,
I understand. I have been through two step-fathers and have had a step-mother as well. Each of my parents appears happier now than they had been. There was great turmoil which lasted for years. I had the joy of going through the turmoil. It is hard to say whether there was more turmoil after the divorce and affairs or before they occurred. Divorces rarely solve problems but rather only change the battlefields. After hearing what you experienced, I can understand your reasoning. Thank you for sharing that with me and the readers.
The problems generated by affairs often produce problems that are not easy to resolve.
Your hub has really made me thinking. Your statement “nature abhors a vacuum” does make some sense and also during our college life we used to see that if many consider a particular person desirable than that raises the individual's perception about that person hence maybe "being taken" leads to similar conclusion for other single women. Thumbs up for a thought provoking hub.
countrywomen,
Thank you for your comments. When the hubs get people to thinking, I feel like they have accomplished what I intended them to do.
Yes on thinking front you did a good job my friend. :D
countrywomen,
Thank you. I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
J D Murrah
Yes you will surely hear more from me :-)
Great hub Murrah
In my little experience I've seen that women are misterious and they like things like that. So any time I put clear to a women that I like her I get back home alone. So i started to be like them. I just talked to them without any intention but to have a good time. That moment, that i weren't looking for anything, were when I meet really nice women. Women needs time, sometimes, so When you are happy with yourself, everybody is happy with you.
when i were dating some women, i didn't need anything else, so some others women were attracted to me. i were impossible and they loved it.
the eye,
Many relationships begin with an air of mystery. The whole aspect of secrecy and mystery adds some artifical spice and excitement to relationships.
It is for something called convenience. Usually married men go out of their way to treat a single woman extra special because they have something to "prove"! Single women know this and find it convenient, especially since married men are committed and a single woman doesnt have to to be tied down or answer to someone that is married. Then there are the twisted few who actually think there is more to the relationship than what it is--like the married man will secretly get married again and live two lives
reeltaulk,
Thank you for your contribution. I had not considered the topic of convenience. It has some interesting angles to that viewpoint.
JD, it was brilliant and something that is needed, because infidelity is happening more and more since women are in the work force in high numbers. i would like for you to do something on the numbers of married women in extramarital affairs. I think it has gotten almost as high as the men's side.
joque,
Thank you for the encouragement. The numbers for both sides are higher than I would like. I am still searching for numbers that I can trust. Most of the time, the sample sizes are too small for me to trust. One of the concerning trends is that there is not much difference between Christian wives and non-Christian wives in terms of affairs/porn addictions. That I see as a disturbing trend. The numbers may not totally match men's, yet they are within 10% of each other.
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Triplet Mom says:
10 months ago
Thank you for answering my request! I enjoyed the research you put into this answer. I can understand how the four main factors can come into play in this situation even if every situation is different for the single woman. Thanks again.