Why Falling Out of Love Does Not Need to be the End of your Relationship

Can your relationship survive when you fall out of love?

Falling out of love with your husband, wife or partner is a very troubling time. Even worse is when our partner says they've fallen out of love with us because it feels like a massive rejection. We ask ourselves questions like, "Does this mean the relationship is over?", "Can we get the feeling back?" , "Shall we keep working at this relationship?"

In this article you're going to find out what I've learnt about why we fall out of love and why it's well worth persevering with relationships beyond that point.

I'm a qualified psychodynamic counsellor with many years experience of working with individuals and couples who are in the same situation you are in. Understanding the nitty gritty of how relationships work is my bread and butter, so read on if you want a really good understanding of where you're at in your relationship.

What comes after falling in love?

Many of us are not aware that relationships go through several distinct phases with a huge number giving up and looking for someone new when we start to fall out of love and areas of conflict arise. But persevering through these stages can open us up to a mature and steady love relationship that in the end is more satisfying and has greater longevity than the quality of falling in love has.

The stages of a love relationship

• Falling in Love - Infatuation!
• The Biology of Love - Hormones!
• Getting through the difficult phase - Conflict!
• The Beginning of Real Love - Intimacy!

Falling in love or in other words - romantic Love

So what is romantic love? We know It's characterised by feelings of falling in love; sexual desire and gratification; a merging of two people; a removal of boundaries; a feeling of oneness with the other; seeing the other as perfect in every way. This kind of feeling is no doubt pleasurable but it may have it's roots in our biological make up rather than in anything mystical.

Think about it. Form a biological perspective our main driver is to procreate. What better way could there be to make babies than falling in love, seeing the loved one as perfection incarnate and having a deep need to make love as often as possible? What a fantastically clever mechanism for us to overcome our normal arms length distance from each other and actually get close enough to procreate.

There are definite biological changes that take place when we fall in love. Cortisol, testosterone and oxytocin rush through our bodies creating the familiar feelings of butterflies in the stomach, tingling, excitement and rushes of emotion. Research has shown that oxytocin (known in scientific circles as the cuddle chemical!) promotes pair bonding, which is why it is produced in huge amounts during birth and lactation. It is also produced during orgasm and I guess most of us know how cuddly we feel after that!

Another factor in the research is that these hormones drop to normal levels after 12- 28 months of being in a relationship which co-incides directly with the feelings we have of falling out of love.

Romantic love has been exalted to an untenable position which is very unlikely to last more than a few years. People fall out of love and the relationship is usually over - divorces, break ups and damaged families are the normal outcomes. We've become addicted to the hormone rush fuelled by the media hype and don't know what to do when it's over except to find someone new. But there is another choice and that is to make a commitment to love instead.

Now think about your husband, wife or partner. The rush may be coming to an end. No longer are they seen through the rose tinted specs furnished by hormonal love as perfect beings capable of fulfilling our every need and desire. We see their faults and their negative characteristics more and more clearly and even more scarily - they see ours. Usually during this phase of the relationship we argue and fight. No longer do the two wish to be merged into one super being.

What's happening on a psychological level is that we are reclaiming our individuality. This phase takes patience and negotiation and also the firm realisation that this is a normal part of a relationship. Do your best to be loving, even when you don't particularly feel like it. Develop the friendship side of your relationship. Try not to be critical of the petty things like when they leave their dirty underwear on the floor or forget to put the trash out. Remember that this other person is a separate individual with their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviours just as you are. Be willing to compromise, accept changes and try to find mutually satisfying solutions to your difficulties. This is where good communication will really help!

Above all, do not resort to nasty tactics such as cheating, lying, being abusive or playing psychological games. Be honest about how you feel and take the risk of being vulnerable with your partner. If these "rules" are broken the relationship is unlikely to weather the storm.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that love doesn't exist - it does. But real love of the ordinary, quiet type doesn't really start until the hormone rush is over. Real love is a choice we make - it's not based on feelings.

Anyone who has been in a long term relationship will tell you they don't always like their partner and they don't always have loving feelings toward them either. In fact being loving in the absence of these feelings is real love because it requires effort. Now I can see you shaking your head and wondering whether to keep on reading. Well try thinking of it this way....

Remember the times you have been up with your child in the night or, if you don't have children, a night when you have slept poorly. You feel tired and exhausted, maybe a bit emotional because of the sleep deprivation. All you want to do is curl up in a cosy blanket and go to sleep. Typically, unaffected by the lack of sleep Junior is crawling around full of beans and wants to play or a friend calls with a problem. What do you do?

I would guess that most of you would put your own feelings aside and play with junior or talk your friend through their difficulty even though you don't really "feel like it". If so this is a loving act indeed! You have made a choice to love not based on intense feelings but because you want to be loving.

This choice is what loving, long term relationships are based on. Giddy infatuation will wear off. The hormones will subside. So long as you have followed the rules during the difficult period, you will find that infatuation is replaced with a deep abiding respect for one another; a trust and level of support you have not known before; an intimacy that will surprise you in it's ability to fulfill and sustain you. These joys only come to those who are willing to ride both the storms of hormones and of conflict but they are well worth the effort.

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