Why people leave long term relationships

Ending long term relationships is never an easy task. Leaving the relationship also means leaving behind a sense of security and identity. In some cases, leaving a relationship is needed in order to protect one’s welfare. Although new relationships have a built in excitement, there are losses that occur in leaving long-term relationships. In time, the pain associated with losses decreases. Taking a closer look at what motivates people to leave long-term relationships leads to insights regarding bonding and relationships in general.

In the case of affairs, people rarely leave relationships where their partner is a great lover and their needs are being met. The major exception to this is when one of the partners has a sexual addiction. Affairs often expose the areas of relationships where the needs of the spouses are not being met.

In cases of sexual addiction, the addict often goes seeking the ‘next high’. It is not that they are not committed to their partner. Sexual addictions are often experienced as a ‘compulsion’ to gratify their urges. The strength of the compulsion is intensified by the chemicals released during their sexual activities. The intensity of the sexual gratification is often stronger than the bond holding the addict to their partner. There are also some cases, where physical traumas lead to chemical changes in a person’s behavior. In such cases, the physical traumas lead to changes in brain function. If you suspect such a case, seek professional help.

When needs are not being met in a long term relationship, people often have to re-evaluate what their needs are and what is required of them in the relationship. When needs are not being met in the relationship, they often look for ways of meeting those needs. Besides their own needs, they also consider what is required of them in the relationship.

Long-term relationships often also involve bonding. Although many types of bonds are of a healthy nature, there are some long term relationships based on unhealthy or traumatic bonding. There are also some long-term relationships which may have developed based on availability rather than bonding. The couple stayed together, not due to needs being met or bonding, but rather due to limited choices at the time. In such cases of weak bonding, when a potential relationship arises, and they have no healthy bonds to their partner, it is easier to leave the relationship.

In the cases of unhealthy bonding that holds the spouses together, when the pain or trauma out weighs the strength of the bond, there is an increased possibility of the relationship ending. Relationships based on traumatic bonds often contain elements of fear or threats as part of the bonding process. The intensity of the fear keeps the persons locked into the relationship. In some cases, these fears are based on actual threats. In some cases, the fears may be self-induced based on personal insecurities.

Once the traumatic bonds are broken, those in the relationships often look for a way to leave. In such cases, the person which had been bonded by trauma, now look for other ways to meet their needs. When they can find a healthier way to meet their needs outside of the unhealthy relationship, and they have worked up the courage to leave, they do so. The leaving of relationships based on traumatic bonds occurs within families and marriages.

The psychologist, Abraham Maslow spent years studying healthy relationships and identifying what needs exist in relationships. He devised a “hierarchy of needs”. Maslow’s hierarchy not only identified what the needs are in relationships, but also gave them a hierarchical rating. His hierarchy of needs has been found useful in helping people not only know what needs are requiring attention, but also which needs should be taken care of first. When needs are met, partners do not go seeking alternative methods of meeting their needs.