God, teach me lessons for living, so I can stay the course..... Psalms 119:33

Obviously my life has been one big game of "Mystery Date".  If God gives each of us one  test that  we must pass in this life,  and mine is relationships, then I shall go down burning, because I always, and I mean ALWAYS fail at relationships. I love men, and I love love, and I love romance and all that goes with it. However, I always end up alone and that is ok , but when I wake up in the middle of the night , panicking about  life and death and hell and heaven and weight, and work and etc., etc., etc., I have, in the end, no one to blame but myself. I have always let others think for me, even at this ripe old age. I wish I had been a real hellion when I was younger , so that others might think I wasn't this puritanical, goody two shoes that I have let them think I was.  Some know the truth, some don't.. it doesnt matter, I know what's what. I try to protect my parents, I try to encourage my friends, I try to love my enemies, I try to keep the peace and follow in the footsteps of the meek and non confrontational. Alas, I suck. Deeply, terribly, irrationally, confoundedly SUCK.  I never mean to hurt people, yet I do. I never mean to lead people on, yet I do. I never mean to do anything, but I do... and I do it so well!  Thank God for drugs and alcohol, which have helped me get through the last 48 hours. Thank God for work, which will get me through the next week.  Thank God for my real friends, in whom which I can say anything, and get by with it. Thank God for the sunshine of today, which has helped heal the rain and gloom of yesterday.  I am just one frail, miserable woman, who is human and so imperfect that she has difficulty accepting that God would save her, keep her, be mindful of her. But I know that he does . Thank goodness. For it is the ONLY relationship I need.  And after all the years of " Mystery Date" and the abominable things that have been done to me and that I have done to others, I pray that God's relationship with me is the only one that will cover the multitude of injustices that have been done in this life and in the past.  My future is uncertain, but with Him I pray to "stay the course".