There could be any number of reasons for the rise in the divorce rate in recent times. One reason could be that divorce is more socially acceptable to more people now. Another reason could be that fewer people belong to religions that oppose divorce and/or fewer people following rules of religion even if they attend services regularly. Another factor could be that in the past more people stayed in situations that today are considered abusive, and the increased awareness of what constitutes abuse and why leaving is not only ok, but desirable, could play a rule as well.

I think, though, that there may be a less obvious and possibly more widespread problem at the root of many relationships, and I think it stems from a widely accepted piece of advice given to young people: "You shouldn't just marry someone because you're in love with them. That kind of love wears off. You should marry your best friend." This advice comes from the fact that many people are aware of differences between infatuation and "real love", and many people are equally aware that infatuation can seem like real love but wear off. People generally understand, too, that even in the relationship that is headed for a calmer love there is the stage of hyperventilating when the partners of a new relationship talk with one another and of flowers and not being able to be the first one to hang up at the end of a phone conversation.

All this awareness of what "real love" is and isn't is something that our society has seemed to generate over the last few decades; and while much of what people say about love and relationships is often generally true, the "marry-your-best-friend" advice can at times backfire. Young people generally have no problem meeting other young people, and if both individuals are nice people and enjoy being with the other it is very easy for a relationship to continue. Since relationships usually begin as a result of people's being attracted to one another most relationships could be seen as "the infatuation stage" at the beginning. The attraction can remain for quite a while, and as the relationship turns into "something deeper" it can seem as if the relationship is solid. The partners often become "best friends too", which makes the relationship seem perfect. Another scenario, though, is people sometimes get together out of a mutual interest or even convenience and become best friends as well. This means that an awful lot of couples who marry believe they are marrying their best friend. In a way these couples are right about turning their relationship into marriage. It is true that people who are not "best friends too" can have more tumultuous relationships even before marriage. The calm and niceness of marrying this best friend can seem so much more right.

Sometimes, though, when a relationship begins with infatuation (which is fleeting) turns into one of best friends what is missing from that relationship doesn't even show up because what is missing is the kind of solid, permanent, love that is harder to come by but that will always survive. There may be something in it for people to believe that there is a type of love that isn't infatuation and that isn't being the closest of best friends because its easier to find new relationships with people to whom we are attracted and with whom we will become best friends than it is to live for, maybe, years without meeting that person with whom we have "magic". Some people don't even believe this kind of love exists. Others don't want to take a chance and find they've lived alone for too long because they held out in their hopes to find "magic". This "magic" standard is a tough one, and many women would age right out of their childbearing years if this is the standard they held; so finding the romance in a relationship with a best friend or finding the best friend with whom we can have a little romance can be ways that the majority of people can have a relationship without holding out for one that may have more solid permanence but that may be so rare it won't be found.

Marriage hasn't always been about love anyway. Two people who like each other can build a relationship. We have all heard, "Relationships take work," a zillion times. It is true that with the right amount of work many people can keep a relationship together, but what nobody ever says is that the right love and truly right relationship do not require more work beyond, maybe, compromising on where the dirty laundry will get dropped. This isn't to say that any number of less-than-perfect relationships can't be good and solid and lasting and meaningful. It is to say, however, that there is such a thing as a relationship that truly has the ingredients required to be permanent; and that many relationships are missing one very important ingredient.

When elders and experts advise people to marry their best friend it isn't a lie. Its just that it isn't the whole truth. When we are told there is no such thing as "real romantic love" or "true romantic love" that will last, that is the part that is a lie, even if the people who believe that believe they are telling the truth.

When a couple starts with the infatuation and progresses to being best friends in a relationship, and when there is not the kind of romantic love that bridges the gap between the infatuation stage and the best-friend stage, the foundation on which the relationship is built has cracks in it. If the couple is really fortunate they may enjoy a trouble-free life that doesn't further burden the foundation of their relationship (but who has such a trouble-free life?). More often, when the serious troubles come (illness, financial troubles, serious loss, etc.) the couple with a less-than-solid foundation to their relationship is likely to start to pull apart and deal with the serious problems as individuals with different coping techniques because the thing that is missing in their relationship is the very thing that makes the partners of a more whole relationship cope with shared problems together, rather than as individuals with different ways of coping. The relationship that is all a relationship should be will survive, while the relationship with a weak foundation will begin to crumble under the storms of serious life problems.

It may be possible for couples who don't quite have all the ingredients that make up a truly whole relationship to endure, but I think that can only happen if each party happens to have similiar coping styles and abilities to the other's. Its probably true that going through difficulties and surviving as a couple will bring the couple closer together too. The trouble comes when troubles are big enough or frequent enough that they cause individuals in relationship with a weak foundation, and with very different emotional styles, to turn inward in their attempt to cope their own way.

When there are two decent, caring, well adjusted, people who want their relationship to work they may even tell themselves, "Well, I can't expect him to be like me. We're all different." They may respect their individual differences and sincerely wish to keep them from being reason to separate. Respecting individual differences, though, is not the same as having fewer of them; and too many individual differences WITHOUT the kind of love that can transcend those differences can mean that the gap that was never bridged by the right kind of love grows wider until the partners have grown so far apart not only can they no longer reach the other person, but they no longer can recognize that person as the person he or she married.

When it comes down to it, time will either cause couples to become closer or else to grow apart. Some marriages have all the ingredients needed to survive. Others may be missing one but may, as a result of luck, have partners who have few differences. Still others - about half these days - will discover that what they once believed was so right actually had a foundation that contained fatal weaknesses that didn't show up until the rains came.

Love can be like having a beautiful, complex, orchestral, composition playing in the background of our lives. Its always there, mostly nice, but sometimes distracting.

Sometimes love begins to die for no reason that we understand. Other times someone does something that damages love. When love begins to die we don't hear the music as clearly or loudly as we once did, but its still there. We still stop to listen to it, and sometimes we need to turn the volume off everything else just to hear its faint melody.

One day we realize we don't hear the music any more, and we're confused by the fact that we didn't even notice exactly when it was the music stopped altogether. For a while we miss the music, but we're still the same person we've always been. Its just that life seems quieter and sadder once we realize the music stopped. We may think back to the final days before the music's volume lowered and realize that that music had changed from a beautiful and uplifting symphony to music that was more violent or more tragic, but even then there were those moments of perfect and beautiful combinations of chords.

We are the coroners for love that has died. We pronounce love dead, even if we can't put a date, time, or even cause of death into the the neat, little, mental-file-folder into which we will now place the remains of love. Even after we've pronounced love dead, though, we may search for the switch that will start the music again. For a while we try to figure out how to resuscitate it, and we imagine how there may be a chance the orchestral music - in all its beauty, power, and glory - will start to play again one day if only we can figure out what it will take to turn even the faintest music back on. "If only" is a big part of the death of love" If only we had done something different, if only we could figure out what it would take, if only whatever went on that killed love hadn't gone on, if only, if only, if only. Then there are the inevitable "maybe's" that accompany the "if only's".

It can take a while to get used to living without hearing the music, but after the initial attempts to bring it back there's some point where we just get used to it and realize there is truly no point in trying to bring anything back from the dead. When love has died it is not a barely flickering candle with a wick that will soon be extinguished by the very wax it melted. When love has died there's no point searching for the music or trying to light a candle that has no wick left.

It can take a while from the time love dies until we recognize that its good and dead, but when we do its time to move on a little more alone, a little wiser, and no longer burdened with the hope of bringing love back from the dead.