Who knew that over 20 years ago I would end up being a "career criminal", drug addict, alcoholic and absentee mother.  Everything I always said I would never do; I ended up doing that and more.  Today because of Gods' mercy and grace, I have been given a new life that came with a design for living that works in rough going.

When I first got sober over 31/2yrs ago, I asked God to give me back my youngest of two daughters.  I didn't have any idea how this was going to happen because CPS had custody of her and I didn't even know where she was or how to find her.  I was put in touch with the person in the CPS office who had this information, but I was informed that the state was seeking to terminate my rights as a parent.  After talking with some other women who were showing me how to stay sober, it was suggested to me that I call the agency back and find out if there was anything I could do to try and reverse that decision.  The caseworker told me that she didn't see how that was going to happen, but that I could try if I wanted too.  This started the process of having CPS in my life.  At first I looked at this as a hopeless situation because I had just gotten out of jail, I was living in a transitional living facility (which classified me as being homeless) and I didn't have a permanent job.  Determined that I could stay sober because of the examples I saw in other sober women who had been through what I was going through, I consistently stayed in touch with the caseworker, and involved myself in the upcoming court appearances that were taking place.  All the while I was still working for the temporary agency that had hired me, attending as many AA meetings as I could and working the 12 steps.  This was not easy because it seemed so overwhelming to me because I was so used to "running" from reality and the mess I had made out of life.  The caseworker began to give the LONG list of requirements that I would have to fulfill before the agency would even consider allowing me to even see my daughter.  Let me tell you, I had to go through parenting classes (even though I had completed a such course behind bars), individual therapy/counseling, drug assessments, random drug testing, maintain employment, make meetings and whatever else they thought was necessary.  Wow, what an order for someone who didn't have a clue as to how to "live" life without drugs/alcohol and who hadn't been employed (legally) for over 20 years.

The good news is that with God's help, the help of a support group in alcoholics anonymous and the help of my sponsor I did all those things, never missed a court date and even participated in an anger management class that was not even a requirement.  I didn't tell you that at the time my daughter was 13yrs old and because I had been absent all of her life and had made countless promises that I was never able to keep because of drugs/alcohol, she was by no means trying to accept me nor the fact that I was telling her that I would never leave her nor would I do drugs again.  My mother reared her until the day she died, then she went to live with two of my sisters on two separate occasions, her oldest sister lived with her dad and she had no idea who her dad was (nor did I or where to find him).  I'm sure at that time she felt that she could trust no one and that everybody kept leaving her.  My daughter now lives with me for the past 1 1/2yrs and I would like to tell you that we have been living happily ever after but that is not the case.  She ran away three times when she first got here and she has numerous issues when it comes to trust, honesty, low self-esteem and the list goes on.  I also forgot to mention that in this whole process, I graduated from the transitional living facility, was blessed to secure permanent employment through the temporary agency (even though I'm a SEVEN time ex-offender) and am still on the same job today and God blessed me with a wonderful fiancee' that I'm about to marry in July.  Do I always use all the stuff I learned in the parenting class or from other recovering women - no - but I do ALWAYS remember that nothing I go through would be made better if I took a drink or a hit of dope.  Sometimes I want to be the perfect leave-it-to-beaver mom or have a majic wand so I could make everything okay; but I can't so I have to do my best to keep trusting that God is who He says He is and that He's going to do what He said He's going to do as long as I don't put that stuff in my body.

The bottom line is that there have been a lot of real good days, but there have also been a lot of days that I felt like I wanted to give up and throw in the towel.  I see my daughter headed for the same life I experienced if she doesn't "wake" up and how do I know that; because I gave my mother the EXACT same difficulties that I experience with her.  Still I know I can't count my daughter out because God worked a miracle in my life according to His will in His time frame.  So who am I to judge?  I have to keep showing my daughter the same love and tolerance that God showed me all my life.  How can I expect to receive God's mercy and I can't even show my own flesh and blood that same mercy?  Recovery is possible for women too, when and if I wish it above all else,NO MATTER WHAT happens!  The program of action in alcoholics anonymous has given me a design for living that works in rough going and it's possible for you too.