Why women stay in abusive relationships
75Women tolerate abuse from their men mainly because of low self-esteem. You may not have low self-esteem when the two of you first get together: however, abusive men are expert manipulators, and know how to gain control of people by undermining them. It's important to understand how and why this happens, in order to work out how to escape from the cycle.
I can think of an example from my personal acquaintance: a young woman, recently degree-qualified, bright and bubbly, just started a good job with a prestigious firm. She met a guy. It all happened very fast - married and pregnant in no time. He was earning big money, so they agreed she could afford to give up work when the baby arrived.
What we couldn't see was the subtle pressures he started applying from the moment they moved in together. The gradual removal of freedom, so he controlled everything. Offering to help choose her clothes. Insisting on his choice of home, furnishings, car - she loved him, why wouldn't she let him have what he wants, what does it hurt?
And then there were the comments. Apparently made in fun - chiding her for something silly she said when they were out with friends, or making fun of an opinion, or teasing her about her weight - but said often enough, they started to have an effect.
Giving up work was the final straw, because she lost her independent income, the only thing he hadn't controlled. And without people at work telling her how good she was at her job to counter-balance his constant negative barbs, her confidence evaporated.
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My Activity Book for Adults: Exercises for Healing from Abuse and Building Self-Esteem
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Women like this get to the point where they believe their man's low opinion of them. They start to think this man is the best they can ever do. Women from some cultures and backgrounds can't conceive of a future without a man, so they feel they have no option but to stick with the one they've got, no matter how abusive.
And, of course, in most cases we are talking about men who are very manipulative. They know how to take control, how to hurt, how to demean - but they also know how to turn on the charm. They're often consummate actors. After the abuse, they're quite capable of turning on a convincing display of remorse. The woman should know better, but faced with the apparent return of the man she fell in love with, she relents. She has to go through the cycle many, many times before she admits it's only an act.
If you know someone in this situation and want to help her get to that point, helping her recover her self-esteem is an important step along the way. She has got to the point where she thinks she deserves the treatment she is getting. Until she believes she deserves better, she is not likely to walk away.
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All text copyright Marisa Wright.
Photo courtesy of Leposava on Flickr
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Comments
I have helped some, but the success rate is so low. If I didn't have self-control I could easily justify hurting men that do this. I've always had a dream of having a home-style place where resources could be gathered to help lift them up. So sad.
you wonder how many women end up wit those sociopaths...it's so sad how someone you love wants to destroy you
I was in one of those relationships for a year and a half.He was/is a sociopath, we recently discussed this. . he never laid a finger on me, he made me hate myself, he made me hate everyone, and everything. He was emotionally and sexually abusive, yet, i loved him.
One day I found the courage to leave him, and I'm realizing that I don't need him anymore; I never did. I'm a strong independant woman on my own. No body can make me feel like that without my consent anymore.
Hi Marisa,
I am back here!
I think the rood cause is what you have written: "She met a guy. It all happened very fast - married and pregnant in no time."
I have been married for 24 years. my husband is SO uncaring toward me...he puts me down ALL of the time. I so wish I could get out. I have 2 teenage children....I can do NOTHING right....so, regardless what I do, it's wrong. I have taken SO much from this man....I still care about what happens to him, so I guess you could say that I still love him, I just can't stand to be around him. I am scared to leave. I went from living with my parents to married to him. If I had the financial part, I know I would do GREAT! I am scared of the unknown. any advice?
K......If you're so unhappy, then just pack up and go. You only have one life to live and you desreve to be happy. Your children will understand. You have the strength.
K, I know it's hard to step out on your own when you've had no experience of independence in your life so far. Is there something you can do to get the "financial part" ? Could you get yourself a job ? Or if you already have a job, is there any way you could open another bank account and start putting some cash away secretly every week? You may have to take baby steps, but it will help you if you have a plan, even if it's a long term one.
great hub
Great great hub. Seems there is more of this that takes place than we realize.
BJC
I see abusive relationship all the time here. One of my employee is actually in one. Right now, she is staying with us because she had enough of her husband (who had just hurt their child). I wish I can help her more but I know she is the only one who can do anything about her problem. I'm just glad she is finally taking steps to get away from her husband.
I was in an emotional abisive relationship and I am by far te most stubborn person when it came to this. So I hope those people who are in abusive relationships know do everything they can to first learn about what abuse is and get out, it is better to get out then to stay with someone who will suck out the energy out of you. We as women dont feel like we can do better because we don't love ourselves but once you work on you after leaving this abuse you are a better person. Trust me, had I stayed I don't know what would of become of me. I was loosing weight like crazy and I was already thin, I was depressed and I had anxiety everyday, it was painful, so I am now going to therapy and find someone that will ove me for me. But first I have to love me and take care for me for someone else to not fill my emptiness but be a compliment to my personbality!
Thanks for sharing Katherine, you are absolutely right.
I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I went through a brain hemorhage and durning this time my husband used it as his opportunity to distance my family from him. I didn't know my mom was trying to contact me and was so thankful he was taking care of me and hadn't "abandoned" me like I thought everyone else had. However about 2 months ago he started belittling me in public and in front of his family. He told me he hated me. He told me I was of no use to him. He told me noone but him wanted me and I was so lucky he was even still around. One morning I got the strength to call my mother and began learning that she had been trying to contact me because of how worried she was. She came and got me thank God. While moving out my stuff my husband refused to help. He was mean and cold and told me repeatedly that I was nothing. By the grace of God I got the strength to leave. Its been less than a month since that day and already he's tried to contact me, making promises of the life we are going to have because I'm his everything. He now says he's been putting money aside to buy us a house and all he wants to do is take care of me. Part of me wants to believe him...... the not so sane part.... the other part of me knows it's all an empty promise.... and he can move me to a place where I'm secluded, away from my family and friends and keep me to himself. To anyone out there reading this who's in a similar situation, please be strong for you. You don't need to depend on anyone else to make you whole. Noone should have to power to make you feel the highest of the high and at the same time the lowest of the low. I will keep any and everyone going through this in my prayers and I hope that anyone reading this will do the same for me.
Thank you
Jessica, I am so glad you can see this man clearly now. I wish you courage in continuing to resist his promises. A manipulative man can be extremely convincing - that's why they get away with such dreadful abuse. No one does what he did "by mistake" or because he was depressed, or scared, or misguided, or whatever other excuse he comes up with. He isolated you in a cold, calculating way because he wanted to control you, and he will do it again if you go back.
Be strong, and know you are on the path to a much brighter future.
Hi everyone. This issue of abuse hits home very hard with me and Id like to share my story. I met a guy (he certainly is NO man) a little over 3 years ago. He was ABSOLUTELY prince charming...ahhh, the compliments, the flowers, the cards, the 'little things' to show he loved me. It was bliss! We dated about a year and a half and had a very big argument (over what...I cant remember). We were not on speaking terms at that time and I later found out he 'met up' with his ex (the one that he 'just could never let go of'). That situation passed, and we were on the road to relationship recovery (or so I thought). In August of 08, we got pulled over for speeding. Come to find out, he had a warrant out for his arrest due to a DUI he never taken care of 9 years ago in Missourim (plus a charge of forging checks). Certainly this HAD to be a mistake, cause my ex was much more responsible than that...a much better person than that! My family supported him, helped bail him out of jail (did I mention we were on my family vacation? nice, huh?) and was on his side, cause, well...he said it wasnt true and we had little reason to believe this was a lie! In September of 08, I found a text (not sent to ME) saying "I cant stop thinking about your kisses". I asked about this, and that caused a HUGE problem, so big that he decided to take all his belongings from my house, give me back my keys, and leave. That situation got resolved...:) In March of 2009, this joker had the nerve to ask me to co-sign on a motorcycle for him...and was told no (thank you). He proceeded to ask me if I would just BUY it then and he'd make payments to me (over a 6 month period, he said). Certainly I said NO (Hell no, I think), and this caused, yet again, a HUGE problem. He didnt want to see me that night then, cause well, I 'devistated' him and 'it would have been nothing for (me) to do this for (him)' cause Ive got money and he doesnt (what an ass). So, he went out that Saturday, and managed to get himself pulled over (as he was JUST sitting at a stop light on his way to see a movie with his DAD). He got arrested (for driving on a revoked license-see DUI 9 years ago), got his truck taken and went to jail. He called me from jail (which I didnt take the call), and had his mom bail him out (so he said). The next 3 months were difficult cause he lives an hour away and EXPECTED that I would drive to get him and bring him home each weekend (not to mention do ALL the driving and toting of his child as well). This ended as I told him I wasnt willing to do it anymore...he broke up with me (after being told I would come to his house after I went to a grad party that was on the way to his house...he wanted to go). We are 33 and 36...what do you think, guys? Big ass loser! ?
Meghan, I'm still trying to work out why you took him back after he walked out in September 08. And you say he EXPECTED you to drive to get him - why did you do it even once??
Marisa:
Im trying to work on understanding my role as well (and I thank you for pointing that out to me cause, Im able to accept that I DO have a role at this point...and Im getting MAAAAAAAAAAD). My hopes were that this was all 'due' to something...stress, problems with his family, money, whatever. I got used to the bullshit he would pull, although it never stopped to anger me, it simply became 'what happens'. I drove him because I felt I was 'being supportive', although clearly my support of him was at my own cost.
My parents told me he was not welcome back at their house ever again after the breakup. I dont live with them, although I am very close to them. The problems escalated (again!) after I told him he wasnt welcome around my ma and dad (as he thought they were great). One night he wanted to have sex. I turned him down (cause he got it once already that day), and this turned into him ignoring me for about a day and a half...only to ask simple questions like "where are my socks?" It was then that I realized he didnt view me as a person, but rather an object that was here to satisfy his 'needs' (which he told me during our breakup---Im not giving him what he wants and needs from a partner).
Im quite angry at him and myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I used to feel bad when I thought about him, as if he were something unique and special. Now, I get angry. He's a sick person (as the manipulation stories could go on and on...like how he told me things my brother and dad 'supposedly' said about him being their favorite and Im difficult to deal with to him on my families vacation, only to ask them and they CLEARLY denied it) who, unfortunately cant be helped.
I'm pleased to hear you're getting angry, Meghan - it shows you're moving on. You're entitled to feel mad at him, but don't be too hard on yourself - these guys are very clever.
Dorsi says:
2 years ago
Everything you've said is true- and often the manipulation is so subtle that women don't realize that the controlling behavior is actually abuse-
And abusers can be absolute charmers when the want to be.
Excellent article.