This is one of my favorite stories and I often tell it.

An Italian learned English from a German and went to Australia to get a job.  He got lost and, as most of us were taught as children, went to a police officer to ask directions.

“How do I get to Kings Bloody Cross?”

The officer looked him up and down and responded: “You speak English very well, sir, where did you learn?”

“A German taught me in my native Italy.”

“Sir, I could arrest you.  ‘Bloody’ is a curse word and it’s illegal to associate it with the King.  That won’t be necessary, though.  I’m sure you didn’t know.  Please don’t do it again.”

In his autobiography (I can’t remember who this person is, but the story is true), the writer went on to describe establishing a catering business and doing quite well.  He often told this story to illustrate why it was important to learn not only the words but their meaning and usage.

My father’s coworker was in Europe when he met a young lady from Norway.  She didn’t speak English and he didn’t speak Norwegian but they both spoke either French or German.  She later became his wife.

Some years later, he took a job in Brazil. When I met his children, they could speak English, French, German, Norwegian, Portuguese and two native languages.  They could (and were sometimes punished for doing so) curse fluently in all.

My daughter and her husband, now a retired Navy Master Chief Petty Officer, were once stationed in Japan.  Their oldest daughter is still fluent in Japanese and uses it on her cell phone for voice mail. 

I worked for AT&T for 13 years as a customer service representative and often spoke to people from the Philippines.  While most Filipinos speak English because of the many American military bases which were active there, many would pretend to only speak Tagalog. 

I had a secret weapon – one of MY coworkers was a Filipina (very pretty, too).  Usually the last thing I would hear would be the customer cursing in Tagalog and, after a short pause, she would curse right back.  They usually shut up, then, and would let her solve their problem.

One of the advantages I often utilized was AT&T’s Language Line.  I’m not sure if it still is in business but it was an excellent way for someone fluent in a foreign language to make money.  They would contract with Language Line to be on call during specific hours of the day and would be on “retainer.” 

Should a need arise; Language Line would do a conference call between the caller, the AT&T rep (often me) and the translator.  I got a lot of work done that way.

I doubt I could learn to speak Japanese because it is a “tonal” language.  You can say “horse,” for example, in one tone and then, should you pitch your voice differently, mean something entirely different.  I would probably insult someone.

I believe English – especially our American English – is even harder to learn.  We can say a word which sounds like “blue” and mean anything from a color to a mood to the wind to missing a chance.

It’s important, also, to be aware of customs.  Many may not be aware of this but at least one of the Kings of Thailand was born an American citizen. His father was studying in the United States at the time of his birth.  The story is, and I don’t know this for sure, that the future king had to renounce his American citizenship in order to become King.

Can you just imagine the King of Thailand getting a draft notice?

After becoming King, he was interviewed on national television in the United States.  During the course of the interview, the reporter put his leg on one knee and pointed his toe at the King. 

He said nothing but our State Department got a call from the Thai Embassy not long after the show aired informing them that they would not use the show in Thailand.  Pointing one’s toe at a Thai is a grave insult.

I was stationed in Thailand for a time during the Vietnam era and was told to be very careful with the Baht note – Thai money -- since it includes a picture of the King.  One of our more stupid practices is setting fire to currency. 

An airman did that in Thailand and was promptly arrested for insulting the King.  They were quite serious about it and it took State Department intervention to get the young man out of jail.

What do you do with a bomb which you determine won’t explode?  What our people did, sometimes, was take out the explosive part and turn the casing into a bell.  Five hundred or 2000 pound (explosive definition) bomb casings made excellent bells.

My colonel learned that a new Wat (Buddhist church) was being built not far away (as the Super Jolly Green Giant flies) from our base.  They needed a bell and he decided it would be good public relations if the US Air Force provided one.

They made the bell.  He took it, and a couple of Super Jolly Green Giant (HH-53) rescue helicopters, to the Wat and while there offered the chief monk a ride.

The chief monk, several other monks, the translator and my colonel got onboard the chopper and took off.  Helicopters, as you probably know, have a feature called autorotation which, if the engines stop, acts like a parachute and enables the pilot to land safely.

The engines quit.  They weren’t quite high enough for the autorotation to be fully effective and the helicopter went down from about a hundred feet.  Between the time the engines quit and the helicopter hit the dirt, every monk had jumped off.  No one was hurt.

One of the rotor blades was damaged when it struck a tree or a pole so the chopper couldn’t be flown.  They had to bring it back with a Flying Crane (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CH-54_Tarhe).  That was something to see.

Our maintenance people went to work.  Maintenance tries to make something break in order to determine why it broke and then they can fix it.  They couldn’t get the engines to stop.

Weeks passed and the colonel learned the bell was to be dedicated at a special ceremony.  He returned to the Wat and apologized to the chief monk, asking him if he would like another ride.

“No,” the monk said through the interpreter, “I know why your helicopter fell.”

Since our maintenance people had worked incessantly and had not discovered the reason, the colonel was understandably curious.

“Why?” he asked.

“My Lord Buddha did not want His humble servant to be above His head,” the chief monk replied.

I wasn’t on the scene but I was at a staff meeting later that week when the commander suddenly said to another colonel, the chief of maintenance, “I know why our helicopter broke.”

“Why?” the maintenance boss said.  “We’ve been working on that for weeks.  How did you find out?”

“I got it from the chief monk.  He said, ‘My Lord Buddha didn’t want His humble servant to be above His head.” 

You’re probably familiar with the term “pregnant silence?”  Then everyone roared with laughter.  I was sitting close to the colonel and heard him mutter: “Now if I could just get those ‘people’ at 7/13^th Air Force to believe that, maybe they’d get off my back.”

He must have been successful.  He retired as a four star general and chief of staff, USAF, some years later.