Long hours, no pay, no holidays, no retirement plan.

What’s in it for the Stay-At-Home-Mom?

As I write this, Baby Charlie is ‘gooing ‘on the rug, and his older brothers, Robert and George are at Soccer training. In my head we are about to have a blissful late afternoon full of home baked treats, and creative play, with smiling rosey-cheeked faces, and tummies full of nutritious home-cooked goodness - you know the sort of thing.

Of course wind forward a few hours, and you may well find me in ‘fishwife’ mode shrieking ‘Turn that computer off NOW’, as I shovel oven chips onto a plate, in between shuttling one boy or other to an after school activity. Meanwhile Baby Charlie becomes oh-so familiar with the inside of his car seat.

Somehow life is never quite how you imagine. And especially for women who may have previously held down high profile, high pressure jobs, and been totally in control, the chaos, the need to reinvent one’s identity and the lack of recognition for the work they do as SAHM’s can worm its way into their psyche. Vulnerable, under-appreciated and sleep-deprived women make dangerous playground companions...

But, first let’s celebrate some of what’s great about being a SAHM

Flexibility – your time is your own, in theory at least; even if the greater part of it does seem to go towards laundry and shuttling older children to clubs and activities. So, if you and the kids get an unexpected invitation to go paragliding, or swimming with dolphins, what the heck – stuff the washing up, that will still be there when you get home – you can go do it!

Write your own job description – How many of us get to do that? Sure, every job includes the dull, the mundane and the tedious – we all have to do that, whatever our career, but which are the bits you enjoy? Write them down and factor them into your routine. Always wanted an outdoor job? SAHMs can make a windy dog walk or gardening with the kids the activity of the day instead of being cooped up in an office. Love music? How about some serious sing-alongs with the kids in the car on the way to the supermarket, or crank up the iPod as you vacuum and belt out ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ for some serious domestic therapy?

Doing something seriously important – I don’t know about you, but when I was working as a lawyer some days I loved it and some days I didn’t, but quite a lot of days it didn’t really seem like I had actually made that much of a difference in anyone’s life. Sure, maybe I made one guy a little bit richer, or poorer, but so what? Not with this job. Every day is a big day for our kids. The page is blank; the day starts afresh. And what could be more important than raising the next generation of citizens of this planet? Not single-handed I grant you – but we are all in it together – SAHMs, single moms, working moms, Dads, Grandparents, everyone who invests in our children. Wow... what a responsibility and what a challenge for us to rise to!

So, being a SAHM can be great. Of course it can also be the pits as well – like the day my eldest chose to remove and shuffle all of the nonfiction books in the library, and whilst I was clearing that little non-alphabetised disaster up, number two son crawled into my shopping bag and broke a dozen eggs all over the library carpet. Needless to say the library put down vinyl flooring shortly afterwards.

At times like that it sucks not to be in an air-conditioned office paying somebody else to be you, so for days like that, and the muddling mundane mediocre ones as well, here are the top ten SAHM survival tips:

1. Keep your sense of humour – tomorrow is another day, and eventually you will look back and laugh. If you can do that right away so much the better. In my darkest hours I like to think of my friend Suzie, whose two year old projectile vomited from his moving trolley in the supermarket, all the way along the fresh bread and cake counters. If she can survive and live to shop another day, so can we all...

2. Enjoy your children. I love my kids to bits, but sometimes they are easier to enjoy than at others. Sometimes we are all smiles and hugs and a 21^st century version of the Waltons. Other times we crank up the volume and put the ‘funk’ into dysfunctional. Value the good bits and notice them – tell someone – share the ups as well as the downs. If all else fails, watch them sleep. Even the crankiest children are easy to love when they are snoring peacefully!

3. Give something back – Your home and family are important but don’t live in isolation, be part of your community; that way your community will be there for you and your kids should the chips be down. If the School Fundraising Committee is not your thing, then think lateral – what else needs doing, where will you be of assistance?

4. Value yourself and your work. Domestic Project Manager, Family Performance Director, you have a role and many transferable skills. Practise your answer to the ‘And what do you do?’ question. Now practise it again without the slightly apologetic or defensive tone. You are of value because you are you.

5. Sift, sift sift. You don’t have time or energy to be everyone’s best friend. Surround yourself with people who love and value you, and be politely civil to the playground snipers, and leave them to slay one another in your absence.

6. Give yourself a performance review – after all no one else will. Unless my kids are unique, most SAHMs scamper around remembers sports kit and musical instruments, packing lunches and finding socks without a huge amount of affirmation or thanks. So, most people get a six-monthly review at work. What about yours? How are you doing? How are the issues that you were wrestling with six months ago? As we roll from one concern to another we often lose track of the problems we have solved along the way. Take stock and give yourself a pat on the back.

7. Re-find yourself - you are your children’s role model. If you have lost sight of who you are and why you are important, what are you teaching them? Do you have a hobby or a passion that has got subsumed by domestic logistics? Often we sacrifice our own wishes because it is easier to disappoint ourselves than others. So reclaim your right to play the Bassoon, or make patchwork quilts, or learn bricklaying or whatever it may be. And in doing so prove to your kids that it’s ok to be yourself, and that they shouldn’t take Mom’s time for granted.

8. Invest in your relationship. Husbands/partners are simple souls. At the risk of over generalising, by and large they just want good food, an lots of endorsement and affirmation and an enthusiastic bedroom companion. If you can’t manage all of them, work on the mantra that two out of three ain’t bad. Any less than that you are storing up trouble, and setting a poor relationship model for your kids.

9. Get organised. Some people thrive on chaos. Most of us exist within it with our noses above the churning foam, until we suddenly remember the ballet exam that got missed, or the library books so overdue it would have been cheaper to buy them outright in the first place. I was meticulous at work about running a tight diary, yet at home I scarcely get it out of my bag and then wonder why I forget to turn up to things. Unless you are abnormally gifted in the memory department, write it down and tick it off!

10. Nothing is forever. Remember you chose this route. Whilst some people choose to work, and some people have to work, nobody has to be a SAHM. And whilst all our decisions about childcare and parenting feel momentous and permanent, nothing is forever. Every decision can be made and unmade a thousand times until you get it right for that moment. So, not enjoying it? Don’t do it – at least for now. Come back to it at a different stage of your and your kids lives if that works for you, but parenting isn’t a punishment. I’ve been a SAHM, a work-from home Mom, a working Mom, and so on, round and round at different times of my life. Right now SAHM is great for us all, but next week, next month, next year? Well we’re still figuring it out as we go along.