Wrangling with the L.A.W. (Ladies Against Women) at Work
67
When the Stakes are Low, The Low Get Nasty
I've been working in a cubicle-type office environment for the past seven years, and during that time I've seen a lot of competitive and unpleasant behavior in female coworkers, but I've also met some of the most decent, hard-working women I've ever known.
Lots of good people in this country get up every day and clock into a job where they are not paid well and are not properly appreciated and have few prospects for advancement, but they do the best they can anyway and try to be nice to everyone because, well--because that's the right way for a civilized person to behave. Plus, the bills have to be paid.
Being decent and cooperative is its own reward. I sincerely believe this.
But (and here we come with the big BUT...) some people see every work situation as an invitation to create drama and claw their way to the top of what any sane person can see is clearly a pile of crap. We all know people like this and try to avoid them when we can.
This hub is about a special subspecies of this kind of opportunistic backstabber, a female variant: the card carrying Lady Against Women.
You may know a few of these ladies yourself. Let me elaborate.
The ByLAWS of the LAWs
Reprinted from their offical website, (which you can visit by clicking here), here are the demands which form the platform of the Ladies Against Women:
We Truly Tasteful Ladies Do Hereby Demand:
Repeal the Ladies' vote. It is suffering and not suffrage that keeps us up on our pedestals. And if God hadn't wanted us up on pedestals, He wouldn't have made us shorter than our husbands.
Abolish the environment. It takes up too much space, and is almost impossible to keep clean.
Free Ladies from wage slavery. The 60-odd cents we earn for every manly dollar is entirely too much. It is unladylike to accept money for work.
Maintain illiteracy as a high school graduation requirement. An uninformed populace is an obedient populace, and a self-censoring one, too. After all, ignorance is a virtue: what you can't read, can't hurt you.
Insist on universal free childcare. No one should be paid to do what a real Lady does in her home for free.
Weed out uppity women through the establishment of HULA Committee: the House Committee on Un-Ladylike Activities.
Procreation, not recreation. Where did so many gals get the idea that s_x is supposed to be f_n? It's time to close your eyes and do your duty!
Passive Aggression is the Most Ladylike Kind
When I worked the phones at a big multinational insurance company, I sat next to a beautiful young woman who always seemed nervous around me. I don't know why. I'm fairly quiet in person, and I tend to mind my own business at work and then go home. I stay out of office gossip and I have nothing to say about whether Bed, Bath and Beyond or Macy's has fluffier bath towels, much less what a flawless housekeeper I am (because I'm a pretty bad housekeeper actually--if it isn't moving, I say, eat it or leave it alone--why start trouble?)
So when another beautiful young woman came on the floor as a newbie and my coworker decided to take her down a peg by accusing her of being a stripper and a bimbo and various other unnecessary epithets (she had big boobs and was blonde), I said nothing at first, then mentioned that I thought they should leave her alone. When that didn't have any effect, I reported it to HR.
The new woman quit anyway, in tears, which is what they wanted all along, her main sin being attractiveness and a lack of weaponry. About six months later the young woman who started it got a promotion, and then another, and then another, and within a year she was my boss. She was a skilled employee, yes. I'm not going to say she didn't deserve the promotion. But she was universally hated there. She directed everything positive in her toward the men in charge and nothing but venom toward female coworkers.
She was a Lady Against Women. And the strategy was working well for her.
I eventually left that job to move to Michigan, but the months I spent under her were literally some of the worst of my life. She made sure of that. (So much for HR.) My new job in Micigan went much better--for awhile, and then I ended up under the supervision of another sadistic boss--a former McDonald's manager. So after a couple of years of that, I got a job working independently as a retail merchandiser--flexible hours, straightforward, simple work, same pay, little to no supervision.
At first that went well too, but then I was given a partner--a woman who came in and theatened to quit every single day. Because we were supposed to work as a team, splitting up tasks in whatever way worked best for the two of us, I began taking over all the tasks she found distasteful, and yet every day a new problem would pop up anyway.
She wouldn't come in if she couldn't work at least four hours, but when she did come in she would only do tasks she didn't find distasteful--which left me handling a lot of the work we were both supposed to do. Then she demanded a day off every week midweek, even though we were supposed to be in the store Mon-Fri, and refused to work the day after each holiday because she had better things to do. So I worked those days.
All of this came to a head yesterday when she lit into me for not taking over yet another thing that she was assigned to do, something I actually can't take on, even if I want to, which I don't. In front of everybody, I became the butt of a very foul series of verbal personal attacks, which ended with the pronouncement that she is a good person, I am a bad person, and I am to stay far away from her and never speak to her or look at her or breathe her air and so on and so forth.
So I told her to go screw herself and I went home.
I told my boss what was going on. After talking to her (ouch!)he decided to move me to a different store and assign someone to work with the problem child who has lots of experience and will 'train' her. She told him the stress of learning so many new things has been too much for her (we put stuff on shelves, basically, that's the job), but the truth is, she doesn't really need training.
She needs a spanking.
She's a Lady Against Women, used to being adored and pampered and resenting the world anyway. Her most bitter complaint all along has been that she is a "good" woman from a "good" stable home and she doesn't need to work, she only takes jobs to get out of the house and get some relaxation and variety in her life, and this particular job is "not fun."
Me, I work because I need the money.
I am a subcreature.
Of course the job is not fun. It's a JOB.
If it was fun, they'd get volunteers to do it. (That is probably on the drawing table in some corporate board room even now...How can we get volunteers to do this?)
Why Do I Care?
I have to be honest here: I've been absolutely sick since this happened. Sick out of all proportion to events. I didn't eat yesterday, I spent a good portion of the day crying, and when I finally did get my crap together I went to a movie to try and just get my mind off of it. I saw "Marley & Me." It's about a dog. At the end of the movie the dog dies and they bury him.
OK, so that didn't help.
Partly I'm upset because I live in Michigan and there are no jobs here. Seriously, it's very, very, very bad here employment-wise, and I am 55 and making less money with each passing year. But I still have a job and in fact I fired off several resumes when I got home and I already have an interview for a different job that pays a bit better and that would allow me to work on my own, no partner. I also picked up a regular freelance project yesterday that pays weekly, so at least I do have options.
Bad as the market is, I still have work.
I think the incident just punched my buttons in a major way. I grew up with a mother who was very competitive with me and very hostile. She was sick a lot, so I had to do a lot of the things that were really her job and from a very young age too (like, around 9 or 10 and onward)--cooking, cleaning, caring for my younger siblings--but instead of being glad I was there to do them, she deeply resented me for it. One of my least pleasant memories is of her trying on my clothes when I was in high school and publically modeling them to get a consensus on whether or not she looked much better in them than I did. In her opinion, she did. Don't even get me started about introducing dates to her.
She was a sad lady. I loved her, but she was really, really sick.
My mother's sisters were also very competitive and hostile with her, and so was her own mother, and my sisters are hostile and competitive with each other and very critical of me. (So it's kind of a family tradition.) After a very long time of trying very hard to salvage my original family in some way--a time that included multiple therapists with multiple theories and approaches--what has evolved is that today I don't see my sisters unless someone dies or one of them is in the hospital--and it took years to get the relationship to be this good. The sad truce that exists now is the best relationship I've ever had with them.
My paternal grandmother had a fight with her sister over a boy when she was 17 and her sister was 16, during which they broke every plate in their father's house, and after which they never spoke again. My grandmother went to her grave at 82 having not spoken to her only sister for 65 years--even though they lived less than twenty miles apart.
So yeah, I've got some baggage here. Who doesn't?
But the other side of it is that it isn't just me. It's a really common kind of baggage, and I think it comes from this idea women get that there are good women and bad women, women who deserve things and women who don't, and that there is a finite amount of good stuff in the world and if we want any of it we're going to have to kill each other to get at it. At one job training stint, two female coworkers actually got into a physical fight over one woman's constant passive aggressive remarks to the other. We all saw it building and were helpless to stop the escalation. It gets that bad.
Seeing that, being in that, makes me cry. It really hurts. And I'm so tired of doing things that hurt just to get money.
When I get done feeling hurt though, I will move on and do something else. I always do. But I can't help feeling like I'm reaching some turning point in my life lately and that I won't know what kind of turn it was until I'm all the way through it.
I'm so sick and weary of the petty mean-spirited little world that so many women seem to inhabit, women who most recently found a role model and spokesperson in Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin. So many American women expressed admiration for La Palin because she was a hockey mom "just like them" with "real American values", the "good" values, the small town values--whatever that means--and I thought, my God, does it get any more narcissistic than this? Has this become our highest aspiration as women? Caribou Barbie?
By some stroke of unbelievable luck I am surrounded now by a family who is unconditionally wonderful to me and they aren't even my own family. I have real love in my life, wonderful kids, and inlaws who are friends, not just people who came with my parter. I do make some money writing, and I love that. I always wanted to do that.
But sometimes when I bump up against the same old sorrows it rips off a scab. I want to just crawl under the covers and stay there. I have a much thicker hide than I used to, and I've come a long way from where I first started out in life, but some kinds of misery never really go away. Just when you think you're watching those old miseries recede in your rear view mirror, you hit the curb and suddenly go completely flat. I'm sure there's some lesson in all this for me.
When I figure out what it is I'll let you know.
Until then, thanks for listening.
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Comments
HI Pam, (ag pokes his head around the door), haven't seen you much lately, you sound like you need a big Hub Hug. *HUG*
Funnily enough one of the most inspirational songs that I know is from Annie and its "Tomorrow". It just may give you a lift.
Aaaaw, Pam, this is the reason why I don't want to ever have to go work for someone else, there are always the egos that we have to deal with. When I was in Citigroup, my downfall was a lady VP from Wall Street who made my life hell, so I quit as I became blacklisted because I reported her to HR, this after working for 23 years.
Have you considered applying for temp work through a virtual temp agency? So this way you don't have to deal with these situations? I understand you do writing for websites, but perhaps this may help. I found this site through a hubber, I believe its was Shirley Anderson who wrote about this a while ago.
http://www.virtualassistantjobs.com/jobs.html
Big Hug ((((((((Pam)))))))))
Great hub! It is true women are their own worst enemies. They fight over men, perks, parking and jobs, and then they cry. I had a terrible relationship with my mother - and you gave me an insight into what the problem may have been. Thanks.
Great hub. Yes, that train of thought is infuriating especially given the fact that we were born equipt with a brain to handle everything men. I guess we have to chuck it up to social conditioning.
Wow, I just posted this and already there are five comments! Holy Moly, this is so personal and just me working out what it's my head I didn't think anyone would read it at all. Thanks you guys.
Countrywoman--It really does sting when someone goes out of their way to hurt you, doesn't it? Even when you know it is just because they feel bad inside and whatever, it still hurts. Thank you for your kind words.
Hi agvulpes! I love that song! And thanks, I do need a hub hug. I've been not in the best place lately emotionally.
VioletSun--Thank you for the link! I've been considering this very seriously for awhile now. I makes me nervous temping at home--like, what if it dries up? But seriously ANY job can dry up. Leaving your house doesn't insure your job is secure. I thought I would get away from this corporate drama with merchandising, and I think I still could if I insist on a position I do on my own. Honestly the company requires a lot of work off the clock in addition to all this drama, which is technically illegal, so this may be the Universe's way of saying dust off that resume. I will check out your link for sure, and I do have an interview Wednesday. Thank you for your support.
phoenixritu--I think lots of women have difficult relationships with their mothers. I think that would be a great hub in its own right. Not everyone does though, and I do think that some people who go through difficult periods work through it and end up having good mother/daughter relationships. Good luck to you.
Writer Rider, thanks for your support. I appreciate your comment.
Pam,
I've been there (I guess most women have at some point) It makes you feel sick to your stomach. That kind of situation makes me feel like one of those androids in sci-fi movies. I want to run around with my head in my hands saying 'Does not compute, does not compute' over and over! It's the sheer irrationality of some people's behaviour that always gets to me, even when I know that it's their problem, not mine.
You're such a good writer Pam. You just need to land the right gig and you'll be flying.
Amanda- Didn't you know that Pam is writing a book and a year from now when it becomes a best seller she will laughing her way to the bank like JK Rowling :-)
I'll be queueing up to buy it at Dillons. I mean it!
I know Amanda you never mean to be mean to anybody and now I mean it....LOL
CW You're too quick for me! I really want to read Pam's book, but better yet, I'd like to see her write a regular column in one of our UK papers like the Daily Telegraph or the Times, or one of the quality periodicals.
I like to play with words and you always inspire me to do so. I guess you will be very good at motivation both consciously and sub consciously through hypnosis. Certainly writing for big papers would happen too. She is like the enormous source of energy that needs to be channelized in the right medium to irrigate the minds of so many people with her brilliance.
She irrigates my mind every time I read her work. The desert plains of my inspiration are coming into bud as we speak! (Sorry Pam, CW and I have hubjacked your hub for a conversation here. Hope that's ok!)
So very soon we can all witness the blossoming of those beautiful roses...hehe. As long as we don't hubjack(good word) this hub (article to other blogs as she found out recently) I think she should be ok. Where is Pam? Maybe busy writing her best seller book. Ok then I am signing off. It was great talking to you all and gotta sleep for some time now. Have a great day everyone.
Hi Pam! I almost sputtered my hot chocolate all over the screen! You have got to be kidding with this LAW thing!
That shocking bit of news aside, I subscribe to the previous comments --you're a wonderful writer, and a very courageous one to boot. The way you talk about how you feel and lay it all on the table makes me take my hat off. I wish I had half your guts.
I'm not sure if there's ever any lesson WORTH learning in all the senseless crap we go through, especially at work, I'd prefer to think that aggressive, abusive behavior isn't the substance from which learning ought to originate --but in truth I think we all learn something out of those circumstances, be it getting a thicker skin or learning to retaliate or stand up or just learning to ignore it altogether.
Even then, sometimes no mater how you rationalize shit away, shit still happens and it still hurts.
Best of luck with the interview!
LOL! Hi Amanda and CW! You can hubjack this hub anytime! I was sitting with Bill before he goes off to work. It's just before 7:00 AM here. Only two days left in this god forsaken year--Yay! But CW is right--By the end of 2009 I will have a book. Whether or not I'll be laughing on the way to the bank is another matter! But at least I'll have done it, and I have her to thank for encouraging me. (o:
Hi Elena! The LAW thing is old--I think it's from the 1990s, but Ireally like it. I think it's kind of funny because there's more than a grain of truth to it. It's a parody, obviously. Another funny parody along the same lines is Betty Bowers at www.landoverbaptist.com. What a hoot.
I don't know that this kind of learning is all that worthwhile either, thanks for saying so. I think I need to find a way to work independently. I do really well when I work that way, and I do have skills. So I'm working on that right now instead of stewing about this. "Laying it all out" helps me understand what I need to do and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I don't know how wise it is to share all that, but it's what I do. Thank you for your comments. (o:
Pam- That was a great word coined by Amanda. I am sure we will have a best seller on our hands. I just told you but all the time and efforts that have to be put in is being done by you hence you deserve all the credit for such an endeavor. Even I am glad the new year is just around the corner. Bye take care. Have a great day everyone. Btw for the interview I wish you good luck. All the best to the best from the best (some self praise too)....LOL
Here's a great big hug for you from Nebraska.
My mom has a pretty horrible relationship with her mother, but my siblings and I were lucky enough that when she had us she set out deliberately to avoid her mother's mistakes. I can't say she's avoided them completely - it's rare that she does, but she's still the person who can hurt me most with the greatest efficiency - but I can't remember ever doubting for a moment that I was wanted, and loved, which is a smashing success from a woman who's scarcely had a moment in 50 years when she DID feel wanted and loved by her mother.
I find it interesting watching the female dynamics in my husband's culture, too. It's a liberal Muslim culture (say, 1950's, instead of Dark Ages) but a Muslim culture nevertheless, so there's a general attitude of "I put up with this, so why can't you?" and a tendency to take power that's denied to them in other spheres by making life miserable for other people, especially other women.
Women keep each other down. :( Always have and probably always will, though I find it hopeful that some, like my mom, manage to break the cycle at least in part.
Pam -- I'm sure you know you've already figured it out -- working independantly, or not working for someone else is the only answer. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. As me for, if I have to work for someone else, I will not deliberately put myself into a position of working directly under the supervision of another woman, nor with a large group of women. That's a sad statement on our own gender. There are exceptions and I have made exceptions, but for me it comes down to sparing myself all the drama.
You are very talented, you deserve better, and you need to make sure that you rise above this. Best of luck!
kerryg--Thanks for the hug! I'll take all the hugs I can get today, then I'll get down to work and try a different tack. I think Jerilee nailed it, so that's the direction I'm headed. I liked your line about how many women have "...a tendency to take power that's denied to them in other spheres by making life miserable for other people, especially other women." I think that is so true.
I will say that my partner Bill sees the same kind of behavior out of men in his workplace. Most of the guys are decent, good guys, but there are a few who make a vocation out of creating misery in order to aggrandize themselves. When it's guys doing the stirring though, I think it tends to be more overtly aggressive and less manipulative. Also, being a truck driver, Bill can and does just tell those guys where to stuff it, then does his own job. He doesn't spend much time working side by side with them, which I think helps.
Jerilee, I think you are right, working in a female enviroment or for other women seems to breed this kind of thing, although I have had jobs where I made friends with my female coworkers and everyone made a sincere effort to be respectul about differences. Usually those friendships don't last beyond the job though. As so many have said, I know that this too shall pass. Thank you for your comment.
Great hub, Pam, and thank you for reminding me to be grateful for the team I work with. I've traditionally enjoyed working with men more than with women, and this is the first time in forever? that I've worked primarily with a team of women - and they are all fabulous. I know how fortunate I am but tend to forget it too often. Of course we are also all in virtual offices and don't see each other or somedays even talk to each other - maybe that makes the difference :-) Good luck finding something more independent for yourself!
very good hub
With a couple of exceptions, those type of women have been the worst bosses I have ever had. Where I am now the entire department is women and they can be the bitchiest group. They seem to look down on me because I'm not married and have no children. They can't understand anyone different than themselves.
As I often say; I love my job, I just hate most of the people.
Hi Dineane--That's great that you are in a good group. I have also worked places where everyone was pretty nice, but I must say it is a rare thing. Thanks for your comment and Happy new Year!
Thank you Lgali for stopping by and saying hello.
Uninvited Writer, I know what you mean. At the job where the bitchy young woman became my boss I do think that is why she was always so uncomfortable around me--I think she saw me as weird because I'm quiet, my kids are grown, I don't gossip. It was like that there too--kind of like being in high school or something. The dominant girl group was always very judgmental and unpleasant to be around, even though we really had no time for nonsense like that. High school is exactly it I think. Maybe junior high.
Hi, this is a really good hub. I'm one of you fans, new here in the hubpages. Thanks for sharing all these with us. I got a new hub http://hubpages.com/hub/Nano-Silver-Cosmetic Can I have your comments? Thank you!
Like the old saying goes. "women, can't live with 'em, and, well, you just can't live with 'em" Just a bun.
Men have their own ways idiosyncracies, too. They talk a lot behind your back.
And Pam, watchout working for yourself. Sometimes your boss is a jerk.
Good point eovery. Thanks for your comment and Happy new Year.
Gosh Pam, your hub sparked so many thoughts in my head that I had to leave and come back to comment.
First, as usual, you've delivered an outstanding hub that is full of emotions that we can all relate to in some way and peppered with just the right amount of humor that I truly adore about your writing. My two favorites:
1. because I'm a pretty bad housekeeper actually--if it isn't moving, I say, eat it or leave it alone--why start trouble? ROFL! :D
2. She doesn't need training. She needs a spanking. ROFL again!
You know I'm empathizing with you big time over the family issues. It's difficult enough to deal with co-workers and others who lash out at you or treat you badly, but it's especially difficult to accept that kind of behavior when your own blood does it.
We have spoken briefly about new age philosophy, and there is one tidbit out of all the good stuff I've ever read and researched that I've never agreed with..."like attracts like." Now maybe I don't fully understand this concept, but I just don't see it to be true. For example, I read what you write, I look at your avatar picture, and I see a person who is very warm, compassionate, funny, intelligent, and open. So why can't more of that be brought back to you instead of having to deal with self-absorbed, mean co-workers and family? It doesn't make sense, and you sure enough deserve to get way more good stuff coming back to you. Although it sounds like you have a very wonderful safe haven of love, acceptance, and support in your immediate family with your husband, kids and inlaws. :) That's what counts most.
I don't know what makes people so mean spirited except that they must be very miserable inside and maybe it makes them feel better temporarily to lash out at others around them. Although knowing that doesn't always make it easy to deal with, especially when you have to work and work isn't easy to come by.
What I do know is that you are a very strong woman. You have the heart of a warrior in overcoming the difficulties you've shared about your life. Tragedy, hardship, and trying times can either break a person or build immense strength of character. You are a very tough cookie. :)
I hope that writing this hub made you feel a little better, and I want to thank you for sharing yourself with us again. That isn't an easy thing to do, for me anyway, so I always appreciate it when others share their experiences. Thank you! :)
Oh, before I go...about the bylaws of the LAWs...OMG and ROFL!
Hi Pam! Thank you first of all for all your kind words here. I really appreciate them.
I know what you mean about the "like attracts like" New Age idea. If I even think that through a little bit it's obvious that is a simplistic way of looking at the world, and I think sometimes people say stuff like this when they are uncomfortable and want to assign blame for a situation without sounding "unspiritual'. Bad things happen all the time to nice people, and good things to nasty people, and you don't have to be some kind of spiritual master to notice it! lol!
That said, I do think my sappy and rather passive demeanor tends to attract bullies, and my hardest lessons in life have usually been learning to stand up to them. Another thing that I think happens a lot is that when I want this or that, I get what I desire but not in the way I expect. So, if I pray for patience, suddenly my life is filled with people who irritate me so I can practice patience. If I pray for independence, suddenly I am confronted by situation after situation that forces me to do things on my own, take risks, and fall back on my own resources. And so on and so forth. I do think there's some of that going on right now in my life.
But the thing that worries me the most is that I might be just be sliding into a depressive episode or experiencing PTSD effects triggered by this woman's similarity to my Mom and siblings. I haven't had PTSD problems in at least 10 years, but I haven't felt this frightened or stressed in at least ten years. Plus, I stopped taking all medications including anxiety meds two years ago because it just was getting too expensive and I didn't feel I needed them.
So I hope that last thing isn't happening. I've been doing very well for a long time here. I don't want to slip back into hell. If I do, I guess I'll have to deal with it, but for now I'm just going to see if I can't arrange more suitable employment.
Thanks again for all your support and hang in there yourself!
Reminds me of my first encounter with this type...in middle school. PE locker rooms are, as you know, awful places for a preteen girl. The particular girl that picked on me the most made comments about my looks, my lack of development, my clothes, hair, anything and everything she could. So, one day, I looked her straight in the eye after she made a comment about not liking my clothing style, and said, "Well, I don't like your style, either!" She shut up after that, and word got around not to mess with me. I've found this is the best way to deal with women like that...stand up for your rights as an individual and don't take any crap from them. It's soooo tough to do, but well worth it, especially if you can get a group together who does the same thing as you and each stand up for yourselves as individuals.
And your mom and mine sound like twins. I'm guessing (from experience) that the bringing home dates turned into her hitting on them and trying to prove she was a better date than you? That's what it was for my mom.
*HUGS*
Just read your previous comment as well, and it sounds like you may benefit from a few sessions of therapy just to get over this hump. Sometimes that's beneficial to get through rough times, so that it doesn't turn into full-blown PTSD. Just a thought.
Hi KT pdx--Wow, that brings back memories! Preteen gym class--ugh! Does it get any worse? Good suggestion about the therapy. I'm pretty short on resources though. If it looks like it won't pass I will start making phone calls though. And yes you did guess right about my mother. It's actually very sad. I don't dwell on it usually--all of this kind of brought it back a little too sharply. Thanks!
This is a great Hub, Pam. Thank you.
This is why women are scary, and why the women I've trusted most and loved in my life were direct unladylike free women who just were themselves and didn't waste time talking about other people. That whole paradigm is chilling, because it sets up backstabbing as perfectly okay, cute and feminine and to be expected.
So thanks for this terrifying look into that creepy situation, and a good reminder to stay weird and stay out of the way of anyone who starts talking nasty about other people. If they'd do it to them, they're already composing what to say about me.
I bet she spotted you in three minutes as someone who doesn't play those games. So she thought she was snubbing you by not including you in her gossip and things, not making you an ally in the games -- ally, not friend, people like that don't have real friends because it's all about control and getting ahead.
It hurts to get betrayed. Especially when it's out of proportion to the situation. It leaves anyone feeling insecure to wonder why they trusted that person in the first place -- but this kind of manipulative fraud gets real benefits for it. Look what she's gotten in money and points. You got attacked by a predator who happened to be wearing those colors instead of the male booming blustery version.
I had to delete half my comment because I started talking about my family. Birth family is overrated. It's not real. It's this big agreed lie that gets taken for granted so ubiquitously. They say "I love you" when they're supposed to and it perverts the word. What they are really screaming, every time in every comment is "You missed your lines. Here. Let me give you your lines. I'm going to respond like you didn't miss the cue and answer the line you were supposed to say."
Which means they don't even know you, because they're off reading a completely different script. Catch them scriptless and they're at a loss, all they can do is try to impose it again.
Hi, Pam. Sorry the new job isn't working out. That co-worker sounds like a (hmmm...what's the word I'm searching for here.) I had to go and look at the LAW site to see if it was serious or a joke. Glad to finally realise that it's satire. It's not that far off from reality. (And I cannot find anything wrong with their platform anyway!)
Palin is Caribou Barbie? LMAOROFLWCSOMN!
While my extended family was great and super funny (my fathers side), my brother threw a big cog in that party--lots of them over the years--culminating with him clocking me in the jaw. Haven't spoken to him since, so I can partially relate on that front.
Everything will work out. You are far to intelligent and resourceful for that not to be so. Thanks for another great read!
Hi Pam, I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Often times it is easier to let things go and do a little more for someone else even if they don't appreciate it. But eventually it can sometime get to a point that they are taking advantage of you and that isn't right.
My wife had a situation with a difficult boss recently. She is petrified of driving in the snow and we live in New England. She is fine with just some snow but we had a blizzard last week and she called out of work and told them it was because of the snow. We live further away than a lot of her coworkers and my wife never calls out. Meanwhile numerous others call out sick constantly when everyone knows they are not sick and the bosses don't care. Anyway this particular female boss called her back and said she had to come in even though they had enough help. My wife was nervous and crying. I told her to blow them off but she wouldn't. She got there but was a nervous wreck. I would have been happy to drive her but she wouldn't let me take the the kids out in it. Some people are just bitter and mean.
In your case it sounds like the people look at you as their competition instead of coworkers sometimes. I wish you the best.
Hi Robert--That was such a brilliant comment, I am awestruck. Seriously. I loved this part, "It hurts to get betrayed. Especially when it's out of proportion to the situation. It leaves anyone feeling insecure to wonder why they trusted that person in the first place -- but this kind of manipulative fraud gets real benefits for it." Exactly. It's just the female version of the male corporate personality who gets rewarded for being cutthroat and greedy. And I loved your description of original families and the line, "Birth family is overrated. It's not real." And everything you wrote after that too. Birth families are so often exactly like that, like being stuck in a script where no matter what you try to say, the only lines that are heard are the prewritten ones--like in "No Exit."
I feel culpable to some extent. I was enabling, and then sharp with her the last few weeks as it began to dawn on me I was being played, and then, not all that together at the end at all. I didn't handle it well at all. But I suppose there are worse things than feeling hurt by hurtful words and acts. We admire assertive strong people, but so often in these situations, when it escalates to this point, I no longer want to "win" or be the mature one or whatever, I just want to leave. Once it gets that bad, it's not worth it to me to be there anymore. I know that's passive, but I don't think passive is always as bad as people make it out to be. Sometimes the best thing a person can do is walk away. Thanks for your thoughts.
Christoph--Hi! Yes the LAW is a real thing with a real web site. It's been around awhile. I am starting to think that really it is me, seriously. I mean this is my third job in seven years and the route to "I'm fed up" gets shorter with each one. I don't know what to make of it, but I can't blame it ALL on the mean old world. I'm sure glad to see 2008 go though. Yikes, what a stinker of a year.
Hi Jim10--You know my daughter is going through something very similar with a sadistic boss, and even my creepy coworker said, just before I left, "You need this job and I don't," with kind of a sadistic smile. I thought that was pretty chilling (to borrow Robert's excellent word). I'm finding that with the economy being what it is, sadistic boss syndrome (SBS?) is in full flower at many workplaces, and the kind of vicious competition over crap work that I just went through is also picking up. What next? We've already got greeters being trampled to death at WalMart--I suppose any day now we'll have shoot-outs over fast food openings. I hope your wife's situation improves soon. I know that times are tough so far as getting a job goes, but I don't think it ever pays to tolerate abuse. I would never second guess her though. A person has to handle it as they see fit, not as others tell them. Hang in there, and thanks for your comment.
Hey PGrundy, thank you for sharing this. It seems the current economic times either bring out the best in people or the worst, and you are experiencing the worst (although the roots of the syndrome go much deeper). I don't know what I can add to what's already been said except to offer my unconditional admiration and support. And toss in a little program speak, because I find that it does work if you let it. Here goes: 1) As hard as it is, choose to view that "c-word" coworker and others like her as truly sick individuals. Because that is what they are. 2) You've already recognized you do have a part in this. Yep. A big old throat-stretching, bitter pill to swallow. But no one can make us a victim unless we allow them do. Dammit. I hate that one, but it's true. 3) Wherever you go, you take you with you. Changing jobs isn't necessarily going to fix this. You are likely to encounter even worse LAWs in a new job. The key is to train yourself to react differently, because...4) You can't change other people's behavior, you can only change your reaction to them. And finally, 5) I have not been a huge fan of traditional therapy myself. But have found a lot of wisdom available from the sisters (and some brothers) in the rooms. And each visit only costs $1. Pretty good deal, considering!
I am sending you positive thoughts for 2009 and sincere admiration for trudging through and sharing your struggles with all of us. HP is a pretty special place. And you are a very, very special WOMAN (and probably a lady in the true sense, as well). Hugs, MM
Pam, Your hubs are so raw and real, thanks for that. I wrote a hub about my daughter and her relationship and the girlfriend found it. My daughter got in and deleted it. I have issues with my mother that we are now starting to resolve and I am 56. I found another paid blog on Triond if you're interested. I also plan on finishing my book next year. Keep your head up sister. The way i see it we have a whole other life to live now. Maybe another 20 or 30 years. Pam, we have saved the best for last, just hope it lasts...
Thank you MM--That was very solid advice #1 all the way through #5 and you are so right, $1 is quite a bargain, lots cheaper than $120 an hour plus the price of meds. I'm not in the best place I've ever been right now, but I'm not in the worst either, and as the saying goes, "This too shall pass."
I know the next job won't be any safe haven from sickos--Hell, I'm out there, aren't I? Lol! But seriously, I don't know what I want to do next. I'm not saying that like, oh, I'm so victimized, pity me--I mean seriously, I don't know what I want to do next. I can't remember being this knocked over or at a loss for quite awhile. It really sneaked up on me. Thank you for your supportive words, and yes, here's to a better 2009 for all of us!
Thank you Denise--Good luck to you on that. I think dealing with old stuff is the hardest. It just seems to grab you from out of nowhere sometimes. Hang in there and Happy New Year!
I am participating in an "exercise" (so far that's what I'm considering it) with a trusted friend. She recently did it and said it's phenomenal. The first step is you write down 10 jobs you would like to have -- just jobs that would interest you. Put aside any mitigating factors like "I'm too old" or "I don't have the education" -- just put them out there. I'm not one for such free-form thinking when it comes to something quite so practical as how I make my living, but I'm game, and am doing it. I will let you know once this 1st step is submitted (Sat) what happens next. This girlfriend that turned me onto it is also a WRITER (formerly an LA screenwriter) who is working on a book and I think the world of her. Desperate times call for creative measures! MM
Hey MM that jogged my memory--I have a whole stack of books filled with such exercises in my office, plus I need to clean my office, plus I started a blog for Lissie at Today about jobs, so ta da! There's a future blog topic and while I'm at it, I could DO THE EXERCISES!!!
LOL!
I can tell you that I bought these books back before I started doing the freelance writing, and at the time I really didn't think anyone would ever pay me to write, but within months people were paying me to do just that. (Not a lot mind you, but, you know, real actual quarters.) I really do think there is something to goal setting exercises. Let me know how yours come out and how you feel about them. I'll be looking forward to hearing how that went for you.
And maybe I'll give it a whirl again too. It couldn't hurt.
Pam-You know I agree with where you end up with this hub. Just thought I'd stay out of the way from the first big onslaught of comments, :).
I have always had problems with other women. You are not alone, :)!! I don't want to say ALL-- But in general, I have better acquaintanceships with men. I know the kinds of work positions, also, you are talking about, since I've worked in quite a few of the same throughout my life. That in itself can be part of the problem for you.
When I was a designer at the newspaper here, I worked with two women, very unhappy with their lives, I guess, overweight, about 50, who made every other females who worked with them miserable. For my friend Christine, it was that she was outgoing and educated at Berkeley. My problem was that I was slim, didn't take crap, and was well educated. ....Funny, but Christine & I were friends & were just fine--thing is, we were not the kind given to recipe trading and oo's and ahh's over kitties and doggies, if you know what I'm saying. She drove a truck and did house painting for another job & I'm kind of a 'girly cityish girl' who likes dressing nice and has a lot of purses. But she was interesting--and we didn't compete in that stupid female way--we didn't have to. We both had more going on than that. Which all leads me to believe it is about intelligence--or using intelligence that is at issue.
I am emotional, too, (two competing sisters, one difficult mother) but since coming to AZ, I've had to put up with a lot of crap, specifically from females (let me tell you about my partner's sister some day, OMG), so that at this point, I am treating these things in something of a'Machiavellian' or business like way-- Think it through, treat the person with the problem something like you would an uncontrollable act of nature, and figure out what is best for you and your life--move on. I think they are just part of the infrastructure--NOT your fault & you cannot fix those who don't want to be fixed.
No reason you can't lean on your partner at this time, either. I do--that's what they are for, until you feel stronger. You know you do it for him.
You are tough. I can tell by your writing, :) You are gonna be fine.
Pam, you touched the souls and hearts of just about every girl in America (maybe on the planet, but I'm not so sure of that...perhaps other cultures are different), whether she's 10 or 100 or anywhere in between. We've all been victimized (and that's exactly what it is) at one time or another by a single supposed best friend, or a gaggle of mean spirited girls, or a family member closest to us.
Jim10's comment really struck a chord. You are smarter and more competent than most, while at the same time you keep to yourself in the work environment. LAWs don't like this. They make you a target because they are not as accomplished as you, because you don't give them personal details, and because you don't participate in their vindictive games. Jim put it so simply...the people look at you as their competition instead of as a coworker. Mostly, they are afraid of you and would like to eliminate you.
This is a sex game, and I know you know that. In a male-dominated business environment, the smart woman in the office who is skilled in not only her job but also in flirtation and jock sports-talk rises to the top like cream. She seals her advantage by putting down her competition. And her competition is not limited to women...at her advance, omega males disappear like pillars of salt in the rain.
Women are so friggin smart. And I could write for hours about this.
I join many of your readers in saying that I very much admire your openness. For me, it would be a cold day in hell for me to cough up my feelings about this kind of personal pain and humiliation. What I can say is that you are not alone...well, others who have commented have said the same. You've got lots of company.
Need I say, thumbs up?
Hi Lita--You know I like the way you reversed it a little here--I also have trouble relating to other women unless they can talk about books and issues and ideas--I am developmentally impaired in 'girl talk', and I do think it is a common side effect of having an absent or difficult mother. I don't think I ever really learned to be a girl, as dumb and weird as that sounds--my Mom was so sick throughout my late childhood and adolescence I totally skipped that developmental phase. Not that I'm mannish or anything--I just often think more like a guy. This is what my partner tells me anyway. Thank you for all your excellent insights. I know I'll emerge from this feeling sheepish but better eventually, and in the meantime, yeah, I'm leaning on Bill more than usual. I try not to do too much of that though. He's pretty stressed too right now! (We live in Michigan--it doesn't get a lot uglier employment-wise.) Thank you again--I always appreciate hearing what you have to say.
Sally--what a nice thing to say. You know, people say that a lot, that my writing is so revealing, but I never sit down and think, wow, I'm going to really expose myself here... I think part of it is that half the time I don't know what I'm feeling myself until I start writing. That happens to me a lot. I had a writing teacher who always said, "Write from where it hurts, that's your best stuff." Not to me personally--just in general--and I think it is kind of true.
I really didn't think of it until you and Jim laid it out like that, but now that I think of it I have been told I scare other women. I think it really is because so many of them can't tell where I'm coming from and women really really need to make a bond, like instantly. Have you ever noticed that? Guys don't have to do that, but women always try. And I'm not very sticky so I'm sure it's like, whoa, what's up with this bitch!?! LOL!
Sally I wish you WOULD write for hours about it! I'd read every word! I know you have stories to tell--I can hear them rattling around under the surface of your comment! Thank you for taking the time to talk!
Hi Pam,
I like what Lita said about treating the situation "like an uncontrollable act of nature" and then just moving on with things. Stay strong and here is an extra hug to get you through your day!
Well, howdy Pam-- I seem to be a little late to the party, but I'm gonna weigh in anyway:-) The female of the species is definitely more deadly than the male. We don't mess around with all those silly Marquis of Queensbury rules--we just go for the jugular and fight to the death, all without soiling our white gloves, of course. We've all had our experiences with LAW's I guess and I identify with your relationship to your mother too--mine was very similar and my mother used to flirt with my dates too( usually when drunk and she made a fool of herself and embarrassed me totally LOL)
Sometimes it seems to me that we all (male and female alike) spend the first twelve years of life getting totally screwed up by early life experiences and then the rest of our days trying to undo the damage <sigh> Seems kind of ironic doesn't it?
I hope writing this was therapeutic for you because it sure is a wonderful read for me. Thanks for sharing and kudos on your courage and wonderful writing skills.
Tell me about it! I have seen it myself how such women (like u mentioned) make the working environment so distasteful and so not conducive. The problem is that if you retaliate, you degrade yourself to their level and if you don't, sooner or later, you end up quitting your job. And even worse, if you by any chance have to hang on to the job, you wake up every morning cursing your situation and wishing for a miracle, which most of the times, doesn't happen. I wish people could only know how to be human..world could have been such a better place to live in.
Hi Peggy--I like that way of looking at it too. I'm already feeling like the storm has passed on...whew, it was a doozey! Thank you for your comment.
Ah Robie--What can I say? My paternal grandmother had this big heavy tape dispenser with a phrase written on it in Dutch script: "We grow too soon old and too late schmart." Certainly that has been true of me. Thank you for your always kind and useful comments. Moms and daughters--there's a book someone should write. Seriously, we don't really talk about it much. I think it's just a little too close to the bone. But you came out pretty cool and I even approach coherence on sunny days, now and again. Like that other saying goes: "The sun shines even on dog's ass every now and again." lol!
anjalichugh--thank you, you put that perfectly. You said it exactly how I feel, "The problem is that if you retaliate, you degrade yourself to their level and if you don't, sooner or later, you end up quitting your job. And even worse, if you by any chance have to hang on to the job, you wake up every morning cursing your situation and wishing for a miracle, which most of the times, doesn't happen." That is it exactly! If I fight back and win, to me it's a hollow victory. If I don't fight I end up quitting. It's like when you are playing with a very spoiled child and eventually you just want to go home, you don't care if the kid keeps your toys or not anymore, it just isn't worth it. Thank you for saying it so perfectly.
I am here again just to thank you for visiting my hub. I left a reply for you there. Please come back.
Well Pam, I'm not really sure what to say.
I've spent most of my life as a blue collar laborer, but for seven years I worked for the contract division of Office Depot. I started out in the call center at the corporate HQ in Delray Beach. I ended up as an administrator/office manager at a contract sales office in Albuquerque. Those seven years really opened my eyes. After that, I couldn't take corporate amerika any more; I went back to being a beast of burden for a while. Haven't worked for around two years now.
While I was at Office Depot HQ I found myself, having moved up through the ranks, being the administrative assistant to a VP of contract sales. She was really incredibly superficial, incomprehensible and unsanitary. She dumped unbelievable amounts of very complicated work on me, data analysis, Power Point presentations, Excel, Access, airline booking, hotel booking, and conferences and on and on. Then she excoriated me for working overtime to get all her shit done for her. When I was running cost/sales analysis for her she actually ordered me to doctor some numbers to make her look better and nearly went apoplectic when I expressed my misgivings. She was thoroughly unpleasant.
Having said that I find myself wondering if it's even relevant to your feelings. I've run into countless loonies at all kinds of jobs. Some were guys and some were gals. I think it's just another aspect of the indoctrination we're subjected to from birth. Different people respond in different ways. Some just seem clueless and think that because they’ve adhered to some specific belief system they’re superior and entitled. Some wind up subscribing to the dog eat dog paradigm and will seemingly go to any lengths to “get ahead”. Problem is their sense of values is so twisted that all they really succeed at is provoking animosity and even outright hatred from those they abuse with their intractability.
You on the other hand have a clear and admirable awareness of what really matters. Unfortunately that puts you in a distinct minority at this time, though I think that’s beginning to change. Bottom line; don’t let them get to you. You make the effort for a while and when you realize you’re talking to the wall you walk away and don’t look back.
It’s so very rewarding when you can connect. Sometimes there just isn’t anything to connect to.
I am by no means an attractive woman such as the one you described who was intimidated into quiting, but I have had co-workers gang up on me just because I was the new one around. One of the teachers who had been there for awhile always openly laughed at me and offered advice, but she made it seem as if she was making fun of me. I am so glad I left the job soon after.
Hi Anjali--Thank you for stopping byi I did go back and read your comment and respond. If anyone else is interested here, Anjalihugh has a VERY good hub up about past lives and karma. Go read it, it's really good.
CWB--I don't know why, but your comment sharing your own experiences in corporate land really helped. You hit the nail on the head when you said that after all that you haven't worked in two years--I am afraid this is happening to me, not because I'm a bad worker, I'm NOT a bad worker! I work very hard and take myself too seriously sometimes. But so much of what work is right now is just toxic--it doesn't help anyone, it just enriches the corporation--and sometimes not even that! I don't think the current economic meltdown is bringing out the best in anyone, including me. I really respect you because you have been around the block a few times (me too!) and are not afraid to just tell the truth about how sick the whole situation is. I wish more people had the courage to do that. I think, as you say, more people are starting to see it.
SweetiePie--I think no one is meaner than gangs of girls who have never grown up emotionally, and sadly, there are lots of girls like that in the workforce. I think gangs of immature young men are more dangerous, but girls are meaner--there's a difference. I'm glad you got out of there. I personally am really tired of being treated abusively and then told to suck it up because it's all in a day's work. My feeling is that is only true if you accept it as true. I think people work better and harder when everyone is treated with respect and fairness. But we don't really reward that like we should, so this is what we have instead. Thank you for your comment.
{{{{{{Pam}}}}}}
Don't be too hard on yourself with the sappy/passive label. I identify with you on that trait, but for me it's more about simply not wanting to waste my energy with conflict and confrontation unless it's over something very important. Yes, I can fight, I'm sure you can too, but I avoid it when I can because it seems like such a waste to get all worked up over things that really don't matter in the big picture. Do you know what I mean?
I think you're absolutely right about bullies targeting people who make that choice. It's easy game for them, but they need to watch out for when they push too far. It's the quiet ones who can be most dangerous. ;) lol!
If you think there is even the slightest chance that depression or PTSD might be trying to grab you, then do you think perhaps some type of short-term treatment may be called for? Like maybe the medication that worked before? I only say that because I know and understand too well how hard it is to get out of depression once it sets in. I haven't experienced PTSD, but I do understand how crippling it can be.
It looks like you're holding up very well in the face of all this adversity though, and perhaps writing and having the support of your family will be enough. So forgive me if I'm out of line by even suggesting or wondering about the other. ;)
I'll be sending you prayers and postive vibes. :) You hang in there, and if you ever need to scream at someone, look me up. I listen very well.
I have worked for a couple of wonderful women, but also for many who were completely incompetent, spiteful and bitchy.
Never had the same problem with male managers personally, but I think that my size helps in that respect! Mind you, I have witnessed male managers getting a power trip from making teenage checkout girls cry, so some men are just as vindictive and downright evil.
It seems that there are some people will do anything to climb up the career ladder, and will systematically hurt and abuse anybody to try and seek an advantage.
Wouldn't worry about the passive thing, Pam - these people do not have even half of your intelligence or talent. They will be doing the same thing for the rest of their lives, or until they are off work with a stress related disorder. You, conversely, will sail serenely into the future. Writing is not the best paid job, but isn't it fun!
Hi Pam--Thank you for your support! I do think I need to see a doctor but the reason I stopped the medication in the first place was that I couldn't afford it OR the doctor when I HAD insurance, and now I don't have the insurance. Without coverage the meds cost over $500 a month.
That kind of care is completely out of reach for me now. In fact, I haven't even paid off my heart attack ER visit in May of 2008 and am in collections for the balance on THAT since they no longer make payment arrangements (or so they said)--and I had insurance in May! I know you know that people who have never had PTSD or depression don't have a clue what they are about--they think you are just staring at your navel and whining, but as you know, once either of them hit you, you can be knocked completely on your ass for months--it's a very physical, crippling thing, it's not just some self-absorbed high class worry. But I've been getting lots of exercise and asking for support and writing a lot, so my hope is that it passes.
I know what you mean about fighting not being worth it. There are some things I would fight for and things that I have fought for--but in general that is not my nature, and for something as stupid as a 15 hour job putting movies on shelves I'm just not going to get into it tooth and nail with some sicko. I don't see how that helps anyone, not her, not me, not the company. I can't believe my boss is willing to baby her this way, but that's fine with me--so long as I don't have to do it anymore that's all I care about. Drama, drama, drama. Geez!
Hi Sufidreamer--I do like writing! And you are right, not everybody can do it, so maybe this is just the Universe letting me know that I'm hogging a job some other nonwriter could be doing so, you know, move along, Pam. LOL!
I have been working a lot harder on my writing. Just got a weekly contract that is open-ended so I'll just keep plugging away and trust it will all sort out. Thank you for your support and kind words. Happy New Year!
Pam, did you write a hub about your heart attack ER experience? If you did, I missed it and I'd like to read it.
I understand all too well about insurance not helping enough and I know about not having insurance at all. I'm in that boat with you right now myself. It sucks. It means not getting care for health issues when you need it, and even if you find a place that offers a sliding scale, then you're still up a creek if you need anything beyond what they can offer you, like certain tests or a specialist.
However, a doctor's office that offers very low payment options based on a sliding scale according to income is better than nothing at all. If that is a possibility, then perhaps there are medication options that are covered by WalMart's 4 dollar program. If not, then I know doctors can make deals with pharmaceutical companies to provide medicine at a significantly reduced rate. For example, imitrex normally costs $800. to over a grand, but my doctor gave me a coupon so that I only have to pay 10 bucks. Although it's a pain to go through all that...the paperwork and all.
BUT I also understand how difficult it would be to do even that when you already have an outstanding balance for the ER visit. :(
This is just another example of how the middle class is getting phased out of existence. You either have to have tons of money or absolutely none to get what you need, and we should all be able to get health care when we need it no matter what. :(
:X Shutting myself up now. ;)
Hi Pam--yes I did write about that heart attack thing right after I got home six months ago. You can read it at:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Get-Healthy-or-Drop-Dead-S
Since writing that I've quit the bank and lost about 20 pounds, but now I have no health insurance and am still struggling to find appropriate work. I have an interview this afternoon for a merchandising job, a differnet one. It would be between 15 and 25 hours a week and pays slightly better than the one with the psychopath, plus I would have fifteen accounts to do each week by myself, no partner, not too much supervision either beyond the internet. I don't know if I want it or not. I'm still sorting it all out, but for sure I want the interview. No benefits of course.
I've been meaning to write a health care hub for a long time, but it's a complex issue and I know lots of people will come on with their "I know somebody in Canada who died so socialized medicine is evil" stories, and so far I haven't been willing to take that amount of flak. It seems like every Republican and Libertarian in America has a friend of a friend who died from a hangnail in Canada. Certain kinds of hubs just bring out a lot of bad feeling because people have such strong opinions. But I personally believe the system we have is a big mess. What especially bothers me is that it is only geared to address crisis and that doesn't even go well unless you're a millionaire. Every day good health is really not systematically promoted. In fact, lots of nurses and doctors are so unhealthy you worry they will keel over before they finish their three minutes talking to you! Lol!
Back in the 70s and 80s there were good, cheap mental health care clinics, and lots of them. Now if you have an issue too bad. Go live on the street. It's been that way since Reagan. Thanks for the suggestions though! I feel a bit better today and just got back from a long walk, which always helps. That's the other issue--the drugs I was on are REALLY REALLY hard to get off of. So now that I am off and mostly (until now) feeling good, I'm really reluctant to go there again.
Oh yeah--and Happy New Year!
The writing is a little slow to take off, Pam, because you compete internationally. Once you find a niche, people will pay decent money - I write academic papers, and do just fine. If things are slow, sometimes I have to write for the 'article mills', but that is OK for short periods.
Your writing is excellent and there are always companies willing to pay for quality rather than quantity.
Looking forward to the healthcare hub!
Chronia Polla
Pam: Was thinking of you last night, and I know you get a lot of suggestions, many good ones, but may I add just another one? :) You have the ability to write and write and write, and talk about any subject with a sharp mind; why not open a website where you offer your ghostwriting services? Offering a service is an advantage because you are not investing in inventory. Or perhaps open a site about anything that you know you are good at. Keep it simple, and you will attract customers. One can work and have one's site take off as most times it takes a while. I am working on one, where I am offering my spiritual services.
My sister, used to work as a logistics expert for a company that exported chemicals, and in the meantime she had websites running. She was fired due to a conflict with the CEO who was you guessed, intimidated by her. Two websites took off; one is a cleanse/diet site, and both me and Phil manage her business from Oregon, we do the shipping, customer service, and order of inventory, while she takes care of the marketing and creative side in Florida. It generates between $10,000 to $20,000 a month, its modest in comparison to the mega bucks sites, as we have to reinvest in inventory, and pay our commissions, but its a salary, without the ego drama of working in low paying jobs with frustrated folks.
I know you understand where I am coming from, because when we first met in Hubpages it was because of our affinity to spiritual explorations, and if you keep manifesting jobs that are stressing you out with the ego stupidity, its time to really ask yourself why, this keeps happening as we create from the inside out. Oh, boy, I sound like Deepak Chopra.
Happy New Year! It has been very nice meeting you here in Hubpages :)
Hi Sufidreamer--Yes, I've been doing the freelancing mostly through Elance, and I have noticed it slowing down because things are tough globally and there are so many incredibly low bidders. I still get work through that site, but it's much harder to get than when I started a year ago and the pay tends to be lower when I get the bid. I did investigate a few services that sell academic papers, but found I actually had a harder time getting started on those, so now I'm working on getting a website up, doing the Elance stuff, writing a for a couple of sites like this one that pay ad revenue, and brainstorming. I know it will all sort out. Happy New Year to you by the way!
Violetsun--Those are great ideas, I've been working on getting a website up and it's been slower going that I expected. That is such a great success story about your sister. I think that is the direction I also need to go--more independence.
I know there are a zillion comments on this hub (touched a nerve I guess)--but in some comment somewhere (maybe it wasn't even here) I was speculating on the woo woo stuff you mention--I already am asking myself, OK, why does this keep happening to me? There's something I'm not 'getting', so it keeps coming up until I do 'get' it.
I think it's kind of like pushing a baby bird out of the nest. I say I want more independence in my work all the time--I've been saying it for years and I actually got sick over it this past May, physically ill. Yet I keep seeking out jobs instead of just doing my own thing. So of course, I get the job, then what happens next? I get into some unnecessary mess with an egomaniac when there seems to be no reason for it. So I keep ending up in these work relationships where I feel dependent on someone who is much less competent than I am and way more unpleasant.
I think it's an invitation to stand on my own two feet and make my own way, but that scares me. It also brings up lots of 'old junk' from an early time in my life when I actually WAS dependent on sick unhappy people who were egomaniacal. That's why I'm not eager to 'stand up' for myself in this situation--it isn't even what I really want and so it doesn't feel worth it to fight tooth and nail over it when it gets ugly. So maybe I should just do what I really want and let it go.
I was offered the other job I applied for yesterday--it's part-time, so I'll have plenty of time to write and work on the website, and I work on my own, It even pays a little better. I don't think it is my dream job by any means, but it sound a lot more independent and low key than the last one, and I'll have lots of time to work on what matters to me.
Happy New Year Pam,
Just thought I'd stop by again and read your comments. That's a brilliant idea that Violetsun just made BTW. I think you'd make a brilliant ghost-writer, or even a writer about ghosts (LOL).
About the therapy that has been mentioned in several of the comments. When I was training as a hypnotherapist we worked a great deal with volunteers. I know that's the UK but there are probably (possibly?) similar schemes in the US where students access volunteers under supervision. They get practise, and you get free therapy. If nothing else, it might make something else to write about!
All the best for the New Year, and hope things start looking up for you Pam.
Mandy
Hi Amanda,
That's a great idea! I will check it out. In fact, I never though about hypnosis, but I do know that it really works--I've written website articles for professional hypnotists through Elance. It's fascinating. I never thought of it until this minute, but a few sessions might actually be helpful for anxiety and confidence. Thank you for thee idea!
All the best to you too Amanda! Here's to a better 2009! (Good riddance 2008!)
Pgrundy, I recognize what you're describing. I've experienced it, too. When I was practicing law, I soon learned to hope that my client's case would come before a male judge. This was especially true if my client was also a woman. Women, on average, tend to be much harder on other women. There were exceptions, of course, but by and large that was my experience.
I agree with Jerilee. You will do best when working independently. The big question is how soon can you manage to do without any employment, just working on your own.
Hi Aya,
You know, bit by bit, we inch closer to common ground, you and I! LOL!
Seriously, I agree. I think that I am not suited to this kind of thing at all. I am working on some goal setting for 2009 which includes 1) finishing a book, 2) getting two websites up and running, and 3) monetizing this and a few other sites to the point where I get a monthly check. I do see progress on all those fronts, and in 2008 I earned about a third of the money I made through my own copy writing business. By the end of 2009 I hope to reverse that--to earn a third in outside employment (or less) and the rest myself.
Happy New Year!
Maybe it's part of the new paradigm that's coming Pam, or maybe I'm just weird. It seems almost irrational to think of someone you've never really met as a friend but I can't help placing you in that category.
I like to dream of the day when, thanks in part to the Web, we will have friends all over the world working together for the common good and sharing the rewards of peaceful and rational world society.
Me to CWB! That's one of the great things about the web--we can get to know so many people we would otherwise never meet. I think of you as a friend too--and I did meet Bill on the internet. That was four years ago and now we have a house and a dog and vegetables, so there you go. People say it is so dangerous--the intiernet-- but I don't see that it's any worse than any other way of meeting people. People we meet in person can be dangerous too, so it's not like there's something about the internet that suddenly makes them magically more dangerous than they ever are. I know I've met so many Indians here at HubPages. I wouldn't know many or any at all in Michigan unless I really sought them out. So that all by itself has been educational.
Let's hope 2009 will be better for all of us--the start of a new paradigm.
Personally I think it will likely suck for at least another five years but I'd love to be proven wrong. 2008 was a doozy.
pgrundy - I am a bit late to the party! But what a fabulously honest and mammoth hub this is! just finished reading all the comments - but I digress re. your hub I really liked the following bit (as did Pam) "(because I'm a pretty bad housekeeper actually--if it isn't moving, I say, eat it or leave it alone--why start trouble?)" and the bit about Marley and me "It's about a dog. At the end of the movie the dog dies and they bury him. OK, so that didn't help. " Your sense of humour can't help bubbling up despite your sorrow at yet another kick in the teeth in the work part of your life!
2009 should be really great for you particularly as you have just won a job that you mentally listed as being the one you both wanted, in fact specified to both yourself and the universe ie. part time. no supervision. working alone etc. So if you got what you wanted here why not in other work areas. Just write the list and see what happens. Have done this a few times over the years and it works for me (just f or fun I should do a hub on what I wrote down before I met my husband!)
Bullying and intimidation is really ugly no matter who is dishing the dirt, the age of the recipients, the gender etc but somewhere you find good friends to help you through and eventually it passes into the ether but it is definitely not easy as you live it again - mentally more than once - at awkward times and those wretched tears appear..again. Having said that i am unsure whether it makes you stronger but it sure as hell makes you angry, (like where do these people get off? and who in the hell do they think they are? - basically we are all only trying to put bread on the table! not become rulers of the new world) smarter and more determined never to put yourself in this position ever again ..... I have written a few hubs on bullying...
without attempting to offer advice about an illness that I have not suffered from - it seems that maybe hypnosis for your depression could be better than medication - but if you can keep laughing (and makes others laugh at the same time) that is brilliant . And writing your problems out always seems to help me - but here on the hubpages it brings the added benefit of your friends making suggestions and offering their unconditional suppport..... cheers pg for 2009 being a great year for you and your writing.
Thank you ajcor!
I do feel like 2009 really is going to be a better year for me. I already feel much, much better, got some more writing work, outlined and am working on my book (which I intend to finish by the end of 2009) and made a list of goals for the year. I appreciate your supportive comments, and yes--bullies are so depressing. I did learn some things there though--especially about setting limits and keeping boundaries healthy. Thanks for your positive words and all the best to you in 2009 too!
love this hub! makes me think of a coworker at my new job... oh well, what can ya do? :-)
Thanks J Lea--That was just an awful experience, but at least it pushed me into working for myself. Should have done that years ago.
countrywomen says:
12 months ago
Pam- Another great hub. When I was in high school(11th and 12th) I was popular since all guys used to be nice to me and I used to be polite to them. But their was this one girl spreading false rumors about me and another boy who was just a very good friend. I was really upset when I came to know who started it. So far in my life all those not so positive experiences I have had are from fellow woman who tend to assume self righteous positions.
Also I have seen some woman who are very authoritative tend to get their way but they tend to rub off people in a wrong way. I mean their is a fine line between being assertive and aggressive. Cheers to another best seller from Pam.