You Have a Visitor
81Worst tampon ad ever?
. . . sorry, didn't they tell you in elementary school?
It's just not fair. It's raining, cold, your fingers are freezing, your stomach is bloated, you have cramps worse than that bout of dysentery last year, your tampon is leaking, and life sucks. Could it get any worse than this? Yes. They still want you to show up at work and behave as if nothing is wrong. Bastards. What do they know? You can't even stand up straight the cramps are so bad. You just want to take some Midol™, curl up in bed, and cry for three days. It's not fair!
Actually, I have a confession to make. Quite apart from the fact that I'm 50 and well past child-bearing capacity, I also should mention I had the requisite woman-bits removed years ago, due to creeping abnormal cell growth. I kept my ovaries, though, so that I could still enjoy the monthly mood swings, zits, and cravings for a spinach sandwich with chocolate and raisins. Yep, there's nothing like being in the pasta and dried beans aisle at the local supermarket, and bursting into tears because the Muzak is playing "Without You" ("I can't liiiiiiiiiiiiive, if livin' is without you; I can't giiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, I can't give anymoooore. . ."). It quite makes the staff's day to have to escort you to a bench they reserve for the crazies because your glasses are all fogged up and you can't see where you're going.
All the crap they tell ya
- "you have a monthly visitor." Hell, it isn't someone I'd ever invite back, so WTF?
- "it proves you're a woman." Nah, my bodacious boobs prove I'm a woman, so keep the monthly torture.
- "without your period, you could never have kids." Well guess what? I didn't have kids WITH it, either, so thanks for nothing.
- "the cramps are temporary." So is a well-aimed gunshot wound. Where would you like yours?
- "the moodswings are cute." Winnie the Pooh is cute. Moodswings make me want to buy an AK-47. But I don't want to hurt anyone --People are so beautiful--I love life! Will you marry me? Isn't Winnie-the-Pooh just the most wonderful little bear? DIE, sucker!
How to Prepare for your Period
The original request was how to prepare for this monthly madness. The simple truth is that you can't. For some totally whacked reason, the female brain is incapable of remembering last month's torture, and every time it starts again there is no knowledge base from which to infer what is wrong. Am I getting the 'flu? Is it food poisoning? Why do I suddenly want to kiss Rush Limbaugh and drop-kick Johnny Depp? Is it hormonal? And then the sudden realization. OH, THAT's what it is. And you're momentarily so relieved that it isn't malaria or gonorrhea that you don't see this torture for what it really is: a big joke on all we liberated women who think we can rule the world. Until the 27th of the month, that is, when we want to crawl under the desk at work and hug a blankie. It's humiliating. It's debilitating. It's a damn nuisance. Yes, there are better drugs to take now, so we shouldn't complain. Just make mine crystal meth.
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Tampon Ads To Make You Grimace
- Tampon Ads to Make you Grimace
Couldn't you just dance with joy? Three absorbancies! Life suddenly becomes filled with flowers and sunshine and cute bunnies. For those other times, read on. . .
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Comments
Yeah, I'm all for gun control -- 21 days out of every month.
Aunt Flo has come for a visit.
For years, I would experience a bout of craziness exactly 7 days before I started. So, anytime I got mad about something he'd ask, "is this the week before?" which always infuriated me more. I don't seem to experience that anymore. Now it's more like the day before which seems more reasonable, as if that word can in any way be used with the behavior and mood I exhibit at that time. LOL
Nice hub, as always, Teresa.
Ummmm, i am offended! LOL sorry I just got a Hub pulled. funny, Funny! There is a PSA from the fifties that I have been trying to find. It is hilarious! "the curse" LOL. It is so naive and ridiculous.
By the way, the girl in the ad is actually doing one of those lean to one side farts and will end up with grass stains anyway. :)
Howling even more at KCC's latest comment!
It explains the expression on her face! LMAO
Hell, it looks like it blew one shoe off! LMAO
Laughing my ass off -- you guys are very very very funny. Thanks for stopping by and making this perfect.
KCC, I swear, I was going to bed but now I'll need to calm down!! It's your fault, and Teresa's of course!
I'm thinking I already hubjacked one of Teresa's fabulous hubs, so I should probably refrain from hubjacking another... but geez wheez this hub has POTENTIAL as hubjacking material, it SO funny!
All hubjackers welcome -- even Pest (sorry you had a hub pulled, btw. How could you ever write anything offensive?)
OMYGAWERSH, Teresa -- You came so painfully near the absolute truth-- that this just hit the nail on the head-- to use a kind of painfulexpression.
I did have lots of pain and the other "usual and normal and expected complications". At least I did get two wonderful sons.
I'll tell ya, though. I was totally ready for the cessasion at 51 years.
This was incredibly funny-- ie. the truth.
jeez. 58 -- I'm so sorry. That's WAY too long to have to put up with the whole nonsense. My sympathies!
Oh god, you published another one but there's no comment box so I WILL have to comment here, those ads are.... cringe material!!! But on the upside, the fart lady is there, too! Laugh!
Oh Crud, I probaly meant 51-- my mom went to 58, now i am confused it was a long time ago, but still too long. I got a late start.
LOL, Rochelle -- I just love how the memory goes! I can't remember when I had the hysterectomy!
We forget about childbirth, too!
This is a great hub, Teresa, as usual.....
All I ask from any woman is to let me put on the the body armour when the day hits.
I just went back and read the comments. KCC!!! I haven't read a comment that funny......EVER!!!!
Hey, Proud Mom -- I guess no one would ever do it again if you couldn't forget about the pain!
Toad, of the Golden stripe, yep. Can't argue with wisdom.
I've not forgotten about childbirth, promise.
How about "got the painters in"?
Fantastic hub, as usual, Teresa!
She looks a bit like Carly Simon, doesn't she? LOL
KCC, you hurry up now and jump to the other Tampon hub!!! Our good Carly Simon look-alike is there! Farting in the grass, too!!
GOT THE PAINTERS IN???!!! good gawd that's terrible (-ly funny). I haven't heard that one, I used to get "on the rag, then?" which I always hated.
Carly Simon? now that you mention it. . .
Here's a tip for no additional fee....LOL......
Ladies, you know the cute little snack-size ziploc bags that you can get? They're about 1/3 to 1/2 the size of the sandwich size bag. Keep a few of those with your tampons. When discarding a tampon simply roll it up in toilet paper as you normally would, but then put it inside the ziploc bag. It's just a nicer way to discard the item. Anyone cleaning the restroom will thank you (at home, that would be YOU)....but, I've also been to places where there was no place to put it and this way you can actually take it with you to discard somewhere else without worrying about it if you know what I mean. I've told a number people about this tip and all of them have adopted this.
I had an editor friend who was on a Q & A panel. Someone asked an overly smart-aleck question to which she replied, "I have PMS and a license to carry. Next question?" For some reason there were no further questions and the room emptied rather quickly.
You don't need an AK-47 - any handgun would do as well... LOL!
I know it isn't funny since I have seen both my wife and daughter in misery, but this hub and the ensuing comments got me laughing to the point my family came to see what was going on. Great hub and great comments!
Speaking of gun control ... when I went to obtain my firearm license they told me to stand in line at the Probate Judge office right next to (of ALL things) the marriage licenses lmao. Great hub, however the amazing part of the article is last there, where amazon says
Price: $20.27List Price: $55.96 GOOD GOD!!!!!! $55??
For $55, I dang sure want an applicator! LMAO
LOL! After my divorce I moved into a teeny upstairs apartment in an old house close to my job. I was miserable so my middle daugher convinced me to get a kitten, and the kitten was great company. One night I was in bed reading and the kitten jumped onto the bed with a mouse in its mouth and dropped the mouse on my lap. I saw it had bloodied the head of the mouse so I was ready to jump out of bed when I realized it was a used tampon.
After that, I kept the bathroom trash can inside the oven in the kitchen (the oven never worked).
Attaining an age where all this goes away is great. There were no negatives for me. One day, I just didn't have to shell out any extra money for 'feminine products' anymore. Oh yeah--and no more mice!
Oh tooo funny -- great tampon story, Pgr -- lucky the kitten was there to kill that little monster. . .
Isn't it great not to have to buy all that stuff anymore? If someone were to give me back all the money I've spent in my life on tampons and pads, I could go on vacation somewhere. . .
Pam, that's grossssssss! Laugh! I had to come back, see how the "visitor chronicles" are progressing! I can see this is one I'm going to revisit often in the next days.... probably until the 27th! Laugh
KCC What a great idea , I had the occassion to visit a 'public loo' once and there it was stareing up at me in all its glory. just wish people had a bit more courtesy.
Very funny hub, amazing what we can talk about,
Elena--probably until the 27th!! That's funny!!
Teresa, I'm still LMAO at this! Your humor has me floored! I always love your writing, but I think this is the first hub I've read of yours where your humor comes crashing out of the gate full speed and doesn't let up. Big thumbs up! :D
One part I relate to specifically is having a partial hysterectomy...oh the joy of keeping those damned ovaries, but at least the visits were gone. There never was any regret over having that part of my body GONE. lol! Although, sometimes I wish (and this is really gross) that I would have requested to have it jarred and given back to me so that I could tease and torture it once a month. ;)
ok -- now that's officially a twisted sense of humor! But why do I find it so funny?!!LOL
Never heard a better description and you even made me laugh in the face of tragedy. I though I was the only one who had a poor memory wondering every month why I am looking so bloated and walking miles to the nearest shop to buy chocolate covered cherries!
To make things worst after recent major surgery my surgeon was so kind to leave all my "bits" in, so I could keep enjoying the pleasure of having a period, and now I have a 21 day cycle instead of a 28 day one.
Isn't life marvelous?
Hey Princessa, ya gotta laugh. It's really the only option!
Teresa..LOL! All the crap they tell you is so very,very true! We have no choice but to grin at our humour and bear the suffering!:(
This hub has reminded me of absolutely the best part of getting older!!!
Hey Laila and 2Patricias -- thanks for the read.
Yeah I heard all these horror stories about "THE CHANGE" but for me it was a total nonevent. And a big moneysaver!
My mother's 'change' was a non-event as well, so I'm hoping mine will be. She went through the change at 44 years old. I've passed that.
I meant to tell you yesterday Teresa that when I saw the title of this hub I first that it was a sequel to your "Things to Do at a Neighbor's House" hub. I thought the neighbors had now ventured to your house for their fun. LOL
Teresa - did you just do a Maxine on that??? Oboy - I'm laughing so hard and yet it isn't funny when it happens! I'm usually pretty level headed but those couple of days, it's like I'm possessed and everyone stays out of my way!!!
KCC - that comment about leaning over was hilarious!
Hilarious - reminded me of a tampon ad some friends and I did using beer bottles. The bottles were empty and one of the girls present dragged a tampon out of her bag and disappeared to do the business. The guys nicked the box of tampons from her bag and then got embarassed ... I offered to demonstrate (their faces !) . I used an empty beer bottle, tipped it around abit so that the dregs soaked into the tampon - and boy was that thing stuck tight in there. We could swing that bottle around with no fear of it getting loose. We took phots and snet the idea off to Tampax - we never heard back.
Another tampon story - when my daughter was 5 years old her class had a 'wear what you want' day - the teacher wanted to encourage the kids to experiment and express themselves de-dah-de-dah ... when I picked Sorrel up that afternoon her teacher gave me two, tatty (but unused tampons) - Sorrel has taken them to wear as earrings; i'm not sure what she was expressing there .....
Also - any other woman here (or man) ever get one stuck ? The string broke ....
Teresa McGurk, the recurring pain and insanity are normal -- but by no means natural. In the wild -- or as hunter-gatherers -- women rarely ovulated, and almost never menstruated. Young girls were married before they had their first period -- so they got to enjoy sex for a year or two before they had to deal with a baby. Once the first baby was born, it was years before the woman ovulated again. There weren't enough resources to produce an egg, much less all that wasteful bleeding every month. It's muscle to fat ratio that determined when another ovulation would happen -- probably after the last child had been weaned and was no longer riding the mother's back.
The introduction of agriculture allowed for the surplus food and body fat that had women ovulating more frequently, sometimes even when nursing. This made women slaves to all too frequent childbirths. Condoms freed women from that -- and enslaved them to the insanity of the monthly period. When birth control pills began to be used, ovulation was stopped, but a placebo was given in place of the pill that would have prevented menstruation, too.
Nowadays, many young women are opting to use birth control pills to prevent themselves having a period altogether. However, it's not nearly as safe, hormonally, as having the athletic body of a hunter-gatherer -- or maybe a really muscular tennis player -- some of them don't have periods, either.
Iphigenia -- Yes! Oh the agonies of trying to dig one out with the fingers!
Aya -- how interesting. Maybe in the new economy we'll all become hunter-gatherers again, and the whole problem will just go away. Suits me!
HI Teresa, Dottie pointed me through your hub so I landed here today. We were talking about the pains of womanhood and the "monthly visitor." LOL what a coincidence! :-) The picture you painted made me really laugh..sounds too familiar! Thanks!
My mother went through the menopause a couple of years ago - she was 59. So I've a way to go yet (-:
Breastfeeding really delays menstruation - it was well over a year after Isaac was born before I had my next period.
59 -- holy crap -- my commiserations. I haven't seen many 59 year-old tennis pros or hunter-gatherers, either, so you might just have to deal.
Sh*t on a raft! That's so bad.... 59 sounds like ---oh my god--- forever! LG, commiseration won't help with the task at hand, but if it does, then I commiserate, PROFUSELY!
Teresa – See the type of can of worms you opened with THE VISITOR??? Could have been a movie title, now that I think of it! ALIENS, THE VISITOR PASSENGER!!!!
I was quizzing my big sis about this very subject only yesterday. She's nearly 12 years older than me, so I thought she might have some good advice. She did. When the time comes get HRT, she said.
The expression about the painters being in must be a South of England thing, as it's in common use here in Sussex. The other one I sometimes hear is 'on the blob' which is descriptive, but not exactly subtle!
Bet the Coen brothers would love to make THAT movie!
Oh Amanda: on the blob?!!!!!!!!!!!!!???! !?! too funny
"on the blob" is familiar to me, too.
My mother didn't whinge too much about it, although she did point out that technically Isaac could have been hers (the idea of a baby in her 50s is a recurring nightmare for her, apparently)
I can understand why. They say the best age to have a kid is about 13 or 14. (From a purely physical perspective, of course.)
I thought from a purely physical perspective it was 22-24? Many girls' hips and pelvis are far too narrow in their early teens
I dunno -- but all these teenage pregnancies down here in the deep South -- the mantra is at least they were the healthiest age. Wouldn't surprise me in the least (but then, thinking in historical terms, 22-24 would be getting old, wouldn't it?). Now I have to stop mumbling and go research it.
LondonGirl, I think sixteen is more the norm among hunter-gatherers for the first birth. They may marry at fourteen, but they're not ovulating yet.
Many American girls nowadays mature unusually fast due to what is euphemistically called "good nutrition." Another way to put it is that they are too well fed.
Saved from research by Aya! Thank you for stopping back by -- your information here has been very useful. I remember hearing that girls who exercised more than I did had much less discomfort during their period. It always made me hate the whole notion of exercise even more.
I think I was 14, nearly 15. Maybe I was underfed (-:
11-12 years old is very common here in Texas. We're also probably the heaviest in the nation.
The youngest-ever mother gave birth aged 5, I remember reading a while ago.
Great hub Teresa - too funny - and why is she wearing white for heaven's sake? and bending over wouldn't be very helpful if "your tampon is leaking, and life sucks. Could it get any worse than this? Yes. " well yep you're wearing WHITE and you're BENDING sideways to fart (good one KCC!) now how are you going to catch that bus home in peak hour? How I ask you!
On a more serious note ...I did hear that the hormones used in the fattening process of caged chickens is helping our young women to mature earlier than they should via the eating of those "yummy" hormone loaded pieces of poultry!
I started menopause at 38 - as did my mother - but not my sister who is 53 and still going strong - and I am now through it TG..
London Girl 5 is appalling and just who might the father be? someone now in goal no doubt....
LG, 5 years old?!!!!!!!!!
There's a girl in my daughter's year at school who is pregnant, aged 13, and I thought that was bad enough!
ajcor - you hit the nail on the head - those growth hormones they feed poultry and now even cattle - and therefore milk has them too - are responsible for so many ills. Thanks Aya for all that research - makes sense. I agree with LondonGirl - breastfeeding just keeps the aunty/blob/painters/visitor away!! I had 1 1/2 years of freedom!
Yeah -- I read about the five-year-old. That would really cramp your style at kindergarten. . .
Thanks for the link LG....that was an incredible story!
Thanks, LG -- I just read about Lina Medina. What kind of sick SOB would do that to such a little girl?
there are a fair few of them about, sadly.
1939. Some things don't change do they? Thanks for the link LG.
I enjoyed reading this! So true....so true.
Loved your hub - funny. :-) Thanks for a good read!
There is no way to prepare for it and it would be good if some complaining men good see what they were missing once and awhile. Just kidding, but I would love to know what the unreadable text on that ad is saying. It is too small and I cannot see :(.
It says "this young redhead, laughing on the greensward, losing a yellow shoe. Freedom: that means liberty." I guess the whole point is that she's wearing white. But I like KCC's interpretation better. . . .
"Why do I suddenly want to kiss Rush Limbaugh and drop-kick Johnny Depp?"
I think that is the funniest line I've ever read. You go girl! Even though I can't relate, funny hub.
My mantra is, and I tell my husband too... "I had BETTER be able to have children after going through all of these cramps" (I also have a form of epilepsy that is cycled with my monthly visitor) I have abnormal cell growth and had a LEEP a few months ago. so I had BETTER be able to have kids I tell ya! After going through all of this. I may end up having to have everything taken out if the abnormal cells continue to rear their ugly heads.
Thank you for your candor, Teresa, it makes it much easier to deal with this nonsense that is happening with me if I can hear others talk about it.
Great Hub!
Andromeda -- I hope you will be able to have kids, too. Then you can say that all this was worth it. I'll say a little prayer. Always get a second opinion as a matter of course. And take care! Teresa.
This is a great hub, Teresa, as usual.....
Thanks, Lgali!
I hate to break ranks with the sisterhood, but menstruation has never really bothered me. Sorry!
Great Hub Theresa! Funny how the deluge of estrogen causes us to appear sane one minute and psycho the next.
Reminds me of the episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” when he goes to the store to buy Mydol for his wife and she says after reading the bottle “I don’t see anything for bitchy here Ray!” and his response is “Your probably need a prescription for that.”
ROFLMAO!!!! I was lucky in that I started when I was 11 and had it all yanked out when I was 39. I had too - I was having 30 day periods, a couple days off, then another 30 day period.
The sad part about it was that my insurance company tried to say there was no medical reason for a hysterectomy. The Dr. in charge of that decision was a podiatrist! They changed their minds after I wrote to his supervisor, a woman, and asked her to, "Put his nuts in a vise and crank it down an extra half turn every 8 hours, slice open the femoral artery at the groin and give him blood thinners to make sure it didn't clot closed, then put a large balloon in his intestines to make sure he got constipated and find some way to connect the removal of the balloon to his testicles so that when it finally all broke loose it would hurt like hell. That would give him a vague Idea what it was like to be me."
She immediately overturned his decision and replaced him on that review board.
I so don't miss being on the rag or having PMS. My hubby almost died from me having PMS during house remodeling projects. Poor man. I know he doesn't miss the thrill of running for his life or dodging thrown objects, like an iron or a crowbar.
GREAT hub!
Good grief, if I'd gone through that I would definitely have murdered someone -- you must have a whole new perspective on life now. (And your husband, too.) Ern, congratulations? (I don't know how to phrase it!) -- well done on having the stuff removed?
ROFL!! okay, I'll take that in the vein (no pun intended) it was intended. Life is much calmer these days, unless I OD on coffee.
excellent writing. Being a guy a I can relate to us (wifey & I) having a 3rd wheel at times that overstays their visit by 7 to 10 more days.
Teresa you have an evil sense of humor. I like that in a woman! Some men have suffered a fair bit during this time as well. I have a lot of females in my life and have had days when the only safe thing to do was go and hide.
The tampon ads have always been terrible!
You do realise that it's all Adam's fault? If he wasn't so weak-willed as to take that blasted apple from Eve, if he had just showed some character, we wouldn't have to suffer ever damn month.
Howdo, Teresa! I'm back for a visit to the visitor! :-) I shall say, I let a sufficient calming period pass since the last 27th! Now these comments make me howl again, but I'll say, I was of a mind to come back here last week and kill every single person who made a cracking remark about the visitor, including myself! Laugh!
Ah Teresa..I'm getting in on this a tad after everybody else! I just wanna say my PMS symptoms ended when my husband walked out the door..coincidence? I think not.. loose one bloated ego loose one bloated body.. It was a win/win.!!!
I had one of those "I have PMS and a gun...what was your question?" posters that I'd tape on my office door when I wanted to be left alone (to do reports and such). Worked quite well even if I wasn't having a "visit from grandma"! That's what the girls in my class at school called it - "a visit from grandma". Who comes up with these cutesie phrases anyway??? ;D
:) i really enjoyed this. Glad that I only feel a bit discomfort everytime I have my period. And when I was still single, I used to have it on a very irregular basis, so I did not get to experience it every month.
With all these monthly period talk, I just realized that I haven't had my dysmenorrhea lately. Hmm I wonder why!?! Anywayz that's just better.. =)
I've forgotten all about it. I had all the pain in the world every time I had that so called "visitor" until I had total hysterectomy. Now I have peace of mind. To think it stopped when I was twenty nine. I started to have menstrual cramps and pain, pain pain when I was seventeen. I had to take analgesics and analgesics and pain killers and what have you to ease the pain. After the operation I had freedom from pain. Thanks God!
I have a question for you all. I have an ovarian cycst. A ob/gym doctor put me on a low dose of birth control. I had been getting one kidney infection after another but after I started the pill I never got another one. My doctor said it was horomal. I don't get that? What does one have to do with the other?
So anyway recently I saw a different ob/gyn and she said to stop the pill, she was worried I would stroke out because of my history. Guess what? I have another kidney infection. Can anyone explain to me why?
My cousin had this same problem and it stp after they removed her uterus!!
I'm the last person to ask about such matters. Kidney infections are no fun at all, are they? Sorry to hear it!
I am laughing out loud! Really funny! Thanks. Instant fan here!
Elena. says:
9 months ago
I SO identify with "all the crap they tell ya". You had me howling with laughter, especially at the having kids bit, and the cramps being temporary, except it's not funny, goddamnit! Ay ay ay!
I beg to disagree with not remembering last month's torture, though!! I'm sweating pure anguish by the 27th, just because I do SO remember!
Damn, I'm laughing and laughing, Teresa! The thought of buying a big gun didn't cross my mind ... until I read your timely suggestion! Get ready to rock and roll next time the visitor is in town!!