You Know Your Marriage Is in Trouble When...
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An Answer to RGraf's Hub Request
How do you know when your marriage is in trouble?
A cynic might answer, "When you get married."
In the United States today, way more marriages end in divorce than end in conubial "til-death-do-us-part" bliss. The exact percentage of marriages that fail runs between 52% to around 70%, depending on which study you read and on who conducted the study. If you assume that at least half the number of marriages that do succeed are miserable ones, you're left with a pretty depressing pile of numbers.
Marriage is hard, and the fast-paced and shallow nature of daily life in America these days doesn't make marriage any easier. Expectations within marriage are ridiculously high, and most working people are very stressed. As a result, the institution is coming apart at the seams, and really, it's no wonder.
Are there certain dead giveaways that something has gone terribly wrong? Sure. As a thrice-married and thrice-divorced person myself, I've probably experienced most of them. (It's nice to find a topic I can actually help with by drawing on my own experience! I like to help.)
Here are just a few of the telltale signs that you might want to ring up a family counselor and/or attorney. Some of them are emergency "get out now!" red flags. Others are more in the "oh, ick" category:
- You go to the grocery store on Friday like you always do and discover that all of your joint accounts have been cleaned out and all of your credit cards are now maxed. When you get home, Mr. Wonderful is gone.
- You get calls from women you don't know at all hours of the day and night, and when your husband takes the calls, he goes out in the backyard to talk.
- You find your beloved on the internet at 3:00 AM on a regular basis, absorbed in chatroom conversations where every person there has a pretend naked photo of themselves as an avatar.
- You buy the wrong brand of band-aides and your spouse has such a major meltdown over it that all the neighbors come outside to see what the hell is going on.
- You decide to leave the house to allow your spouse to cool off whenever arguments get too heated and soon find that you are at the mall 80% of the time, and you hate the damn mall.
- You dread seeing your spouse at the end of the day and live for out of town trips--yours or his.
- Your spouse is constantly asking you for money.
- You can't keep up with the bills your spouse generates but when you confront him/her all you get are evasions, explosions, or you get blamed.
- Your spouse puts you down in front of other people and when you ask him/her to stop he complains that you have no sense of humor.
- Your spouse constantly undermines your self-esteem with sarcastic remarks and relentless nit-picking. Nothing you do is good enough or right.
- Your spouse demands to know where you are and what you are doing every minute of every day.
- You feel in your gut like something is very wrong but you can't put your finger on it so you ignore it.
- You love your spouse but you don't really like him/her.
- You find yourself constantly talking about how happy you are and how your life really isn't that bad. (Who are you trying to convince?)
- Your spouse hits or threatens you.
- Your spouse can't function without you and gets upset if you plan any activity without him/her.
- Your spouse is pathologically jealous.
- Your spouse gets postcards from gay resorts.
- You are unhappy and sick of your spouse, but feel it is your own fault and divorce is expensive and irresponsible, so you just suck it up.
The truth is, most people do know when their marriage is in trouble and don't need anyone to tell them, but it takes awhile to admit it to themselves. If you are asking, "Is my marriage in trouble?" the answer is, "Probably, or you wouldn't be asking me."
Denial isn't really a bad thing, although it is often made out to be bad. Denial is a defense mechanism that helps people go about their daily lives without falling apart over every little bubble and fart. But when something starts breaking through your denial on a daily basis, tugging at you incessantly like an impatient little kid, it's time to pay attention and at least talk with someone about it.
I personally think that part of the reason American marriages are so shaky is that we are so isolated now, and the other part of the reason is, it is possible to leave.
We're isolated in the sense that most of us no longer have elders we can confide in or a community that seriously believes that marriage is part of a public trust. Marriage is seen as a contract between two people and a totally private one at that, but the truth is, there are a gazillion times within the course of any given marriage that one or both people need the support and advice of wiser members of the community. We no longer have that kind of support. Every second of every day is booked.
The other reason--that it is now possible to get out of a bad marriage--has to do with abuse. Most divorces are initiated by women, not because men are bastards and women are angels, but because many men have learned a pattern of abusive behavior within marriage over generations that has stopped working only recently. Women didn't used to be able to leave marriages in which their husbands drank, ran around, beat them, or treated them poorly. Now they can, so they do. But men have their share of crap to deal with as well, and the fact that divorce is possible often makes it worth it for them as well.
Is divorce wrong?
I don't know. People didn't used to live for 90 years. Women died in childbirth before they ever hit middle age. Men went through multiple wives as a matter of course. No one expected 50 years of romance and hot sex, so married people didn't get as disappointed as they do now.
I think life is too short to be miserable and that, while it takes two people to make a marriage, it only takes one to ruin one.
I also think we could all stand to lighten up on the moral judgments and learn to be there for each other a bit more generously. Life is unfair and people don't act right.
Now that is a fact you can absolutely count on.
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Comments
I heard that a lot of (young) people opt not to be married in a church (ceremony) beacause of the (often required) pre-marrital counselling. They don't want to go through that "stuff", so they either go for a civil celebrant,or jus "co-habit.
Sadly, they miss out on getting some idea(s) on whats ahead for them in a committed relationship.
On the other side of the coin, I have been married 30 yrs (next week), and I also can attest to tough and challenging times. Without bringing God into the equation here, I (we) have found, that it takes both people to be committed to success, that achieves that end result. If one quits, there's little or nothing the other can do to save it. I agree with you about life being too short to live in misery (in a bad relationship, or anything else for that matter)
I hope life is good to you (henceforth). :)
Yes it takes only two people to make a marriage and only one to ruin one. I fully agree. But it is not me. It is my spouse who is responsible. I am such an honest person, but we are not made for each other. If only the other person understood me or cared for me or loved me...
This type of thinking is stupidity. I am responsible for my relationships. The meaning of the term marriage is sacrifice. Am I willing to sacrifice me for our kids.
Thanks Mark. How did you find time to read this!! lol! You are writing, I don't know, ten of these an hour or some such thing!
I am already semi-regretting my 100 hub challenge committment but now I feel compelled to finish. I like to push myself.
aka-dj--I do think it helps to be part of a church--any community really. It's hard enough without support. Thanks for your thoughts. I am quite happy now, thank you for the good wishes.
kadhilkarprakash--American culture is not like Indian culture, so marriages fail more often. Yes, there is more selfishness and yes there is a lot of blaming the other person. That is part of the institution coming apart. I find that Indians tend to be very judgmental about Americans when it comes to marriage, but I think that harsh attitude is unwarranted coming from a place that used to encourage widows to set themselves on fire. Thank you for your comments.
This makes some very good points...like elders should be there to step in and helpwhen there is a problem to offer wisdom and guidance
Thank you ratcliffe. :)
Yeah I pretty much resigned to the fact that it was over before it started but somehow he is still here. You have some wonderful points. I sometimes think that people give in to quickly, marriage is not for the weak.
Triplet Mom, you said it all when you said "Marriage is not for the weak." Amen to that.
You brought up some very valid points here. I think when indifference shows up, it's over.
Some very useful and insightful points. Although Iam single will surely keep these points in mind. Thumbs up
The priest at my first marriage said " Kissin' don't last, cookery do"!
Very good points. Thank you so much for your personal insight. I've known so many that experience multiple things that you listed and still stay in the marriage and make everyone so miserable.
Awesome hub, I totally agree. I like the points you brought up about people being more isolated, we don't have time to counsel with elders and it is easy to divorce now. It is also true that women were oppressed in the past, (more), and they could consider themselves lucky if their husbands didn't beat them. Today, men consider themselves lucky if they get "lucky" once a month, and I think that isn't right either. The problem with that subject seems to be that men are not taking care to pay attention to their wives and show their love, and women are encouraged to wear the pants and dominate their husbands. If men would step up to the plate, I think we would see this problem diminish. As a side note, I don't think there's anything wrong with women wearing pants instead of dresses. But I do believe that men naturally should be the leaders of the family, but there are always exceptions and this also doesn't mean it is okay for men to "dominate" their wives. I think ideally, it should be a compromising relationship where both put in equal effort. Thanks for spurring these thoughts, another great hub!
Thank you Nancy, Jay, and Gypsy! Cookin' really does count for a lot, and it does last, too!
RGraf--Thank you for asking the question. I think we are living through a very hard time for everyone, but it's always something. When marriage was more stable, we had other troubles. Take care and thanks again.
Alexander, thank you for you insights and comments. I will say that although I firmly believe that women should be treated as equals, I do look to my partner for guidance all the time and he totally 'steps up to the plate' as you put it, but many men don't, preferring to be babied. On the other hand, as you point out, many women expect too much and could stand to cut their men a little slack. I mean, jokes aside, it's NOT supposed to be a prison sentence! I think the best thing is if you can become friends. If you aren't friend with your spouse, I think something is missing, even more than sex friendship will keep you going.
Amen to friendship, if you can't be good friends, than don't even try to be married. Too often, it seems that we worry so much about the latest "How to keep your spouse" article that we never really look at the actual person and find out what they really want - if you can't ask them and get a totally honest answer- ya gots a problem.
You know what's terrifying?
You listed nineteen points of knowing when your marriage is about to end. All of them made sense either as indicators of the total breakdown of a marriage.
It's chilling to realize that ten out of the nineteen warning signs were there in your childhood about your opposite-sex parent, and most of the rest were not relevant only because you had no income to give them money, weren't allowed any money for necessities, and didn't pretend everything was all right because you knew you didn't choose that relationship consciously.
Seeing some of these bitter points in print and remembering how many were true from earliest on was hard ... maybe that's an indicator it's a bad idea to get married to anyone again till that fact no longer really hurts.
I can remember asking teachers whether a child could get a divorce from his parents on the grounds of mental cruelty when I was in grade school.
I can remember a confrontation when I was trying unsuccessfully to build a relationship with that parent, where she bitterly accused me of calling in child services on her no less than four times. I never did mostly because I never knew it existed or could help. I remember being interviewed occasionally by adults about her behavior and then nothing would come of it, she wouldn't even lighten up a hair and usually got nastier for a while afterward.
Also, it may be a red flag if you're getting together with someone and you hear all these things about their ex and/or their parents.
When the elders and the community take these things as normal and say you should stick in a bad relationship that may be the time to run, run, run for a better community -- and that's not just abused women. Abused men have a hard time in this society becaues instead of support, they get jeered at and gendered assumptions about abuse tend to give them the shaft in the process of the divorce.
Hi Nanny--I agree. If you aren't close enough to just ask and trust the answer, you're already in trouble! Well said.
Robert--That IS chilling. Most of my issues in marriage, I know, were due to a very rough upbringing and not realizing what was unhealthy. I learned by trial and error (mostly error) and ended up distancing myself from my 'community' (my original family and religion) permanently. I remember well when my folks were happy that my 11 year old sister started dating a 21 year old guy (it will settle her down!), and all the chaos and beatings I witnessed as a kid, and so on and on, OMG--The idea was if a man didn't drink or beat you, he was a good man, you'd found a prize, but if he did drink or beat you, it wasn't like you should be a big baby about it.
I'm afraid I don't have much tolerance for the 'stay in it no matter what' school. I'm with you: If your community says that, you need a new community. There are some signs that mean'get out now and don't look back'. Best if you heed the first one, not wait for the 20th--and I speak from experience.
I'm on my second marriage myself, and I found your list wryly amusing. Robersloan's comments make a lot of sense. I married my 'father' the first time around, and my 'mother' the second! LOL! Having said that, I've had little to complain about in my life or my relationships, but I've seen plenty of disasters amongst friends and relatives, and it's hard not to mention when you see a train-crash coming.
Hi Amanda, I'm not happy about my marital history, but it is what it is. I think it's hard to have a good marriage when you've never seen a good marriage, and that's a big problem for lots of folks too. I'm not sorry for my divorces though. If I was still with any of those guys I'd be a total vegetable by now. Thanks for your comment!
I was married to a total wanker for 10 years and have been divorced for 10. I can't see me ever going down that marriage route again, once was more than enough!
Hi cindyvine--I think marriage is often not that great a deal for women. If you look at studies on happiness, women tend to be more miserable and less healthy once married, where with men it's the reverse. That's why society has to pressure women to do it--otherwise they might realize it's not such a great idea for them personally. Thanks for commenting. :)
I agree Pam, and now with the stigma of having a child out of wedlock being a thing of the past, fewer people are getting married, even if they want kids.
What a wonderful hub. I am on marriage three. I am getting too old to be getting married again. (I just turned 40) So, I told my husband that I am not getting divorced again. I said, "Can you say bombfire and that favorite vase in the cabinet!" He laughs, but I wonder if he thinks I am serious. LOL!
Good luck to you wittywriter--I hope this one brings you real happiness. We all deserve that! Thanks for sharing your story. :)
Good hubpage!
Once again you deliver the goods. Excellent hub pgrundy. Unfortunately, I've been on the marriage-go-round so many times, I'm dizzy. Next time I'm going for the white horse... LOL.
On a more serious note, I agree that people live longer and women have more options than in the past. I also believe that relationships have a shelf-life. Sometimes it's forever, and sometimes it's not. People just get done with each other.
Hi Disturbia! I like what you said about relationships having a shelf life. I think that is very true. We rarely hear from people who stay together but are miserable and have nothing in common anymore but just don't want to lose any of their 'stuff', and there are plenty of them. I don't think staying in a relationship no matter how bad it has become for both people is a virtue, but many people act like it is. Thank you for commenting.
I actually did marry my best friend, and on the surface our marriage appears to be perfectly fine. But we have never had a lot of chemistry in the bedroom and I find that I am desperately unfulfilled on many other levels as well. He is very logical and I am more artistic. As a result, our interests have diverged more and more as we get older, making it very difficult to find things to share. I try to participate in his activities, but they don't make me happy.
The problem is that other than the fact that I feel lonely and unfulfilled, we care very deeply about each other. And we always promised that we would be there for each other. So for almost half our marriage now, we have gone back and forth about whether we should stay together. The idea of separating feels overwhelming to me, and I am constantly terrified that if I did, I would regret it afterward.
I am so racked with indecision that we have sat on the fence for nearly 3 years. Certain things have improved, such as our communication and efforts to make time for each other, but I am still unhappy a lot of the time. I have no idea why I can't seem to leave, except that I care about him and what happens to him. I'm just afraid he is more in love with me than I am him, which isn't fair to him either.
I keep hoping for some kind of epiphany that would finally make me decide, stay or go. But it never happens. I feel like I change my mind every few minutes. There are so many good things about our relationship, I feel like I have unreasonable expectations of another person. So I just keep trying to appreciate the good that I have because it feels safer than starting over with no idea what my future will be.
Hi Dexter--Marriage is really hard. I don't know what to say except that I know lots of people do go through long spells like you are going through, during which they wonder if they should stay or go. I don't know that there's any easy fix for that or any right answer. Thank you for sharing and all the best to you. You certainly are not unusual by any means.
You made some very interesting points. I think marriage is an outdated institution and it no longer serves the purposes for which it was intended. (Keeping women in line!)
On that note, I have this theory that every decade or so one should change partners. As we grow and mature the reasons we hook up change and mature. Someone in their 20's might want a child rearing partner. Someone in their 30's, a sexual partner. 40's might want a traveling companion. Just a general idea, you get the point.
Of course, I didn't realize I thought marriage was a really bad idea until AFTER I got married.
29 years.
Don't I get a trophy or sympathy card or something???
Cinewton
Hi cinewton--I would give you a trophy if I had one! I don't get many trophies myself, but I think it is wrong that we praise women for staying in awful marriages or even just marriages that have gone dead, and judge them when they leave. It's such a personal matter, no one has the right to do that IMO, and I also agree that marriage is often not all that good for women, better for men. thanks for your comments.
Hey Pgrundy~
I had to laugh. My friend was getting divorced and one of her church friends said~'Oh no! You're going to HELL!'~and she replied, calm as can be, "Honey, where do you think I've been for the past thirteen years!"
LOL!
Cinewton
LOL! That IS funny Cinewton! Thanks for sharing it. I can definitely relate. :)
I think that it's easier to be in a happy and easy relationship if that's what you were used to as a child.
Good point, Plants and Oils. Thanks for commenting.
nice hubpage.
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I don't think it was by accident that I came across your hub, which I enjoyed.
I would just like to say I believe that
Marriage was meant to be mutually satisfying. The Truth is more than not when two decide to marry they do not really take the time to get to know one another. I wrote a quick simple book that can be read in less than an hour. "How DO I LOVE THEE" Food For Thought Before You Say I DO.
Not too many want to read before they take the plunge and say "I DO!" They often think that the other person will "Just change?"
After thirty seven years of marriage. I know a strong fulfilling marriage is possible. But it takes work by both spouses!
The TRUTH is many do not really want to know if you are really compatible, about building trust & intimacy, finances,in-laws or commitment. They would prefer to ignore that inner voice that is saying hmmmm maybe you should wait...
Thanks for sharing
This is another good one.
When I see 20 and 30 year old marriages collapsing around me, I wonder - did they see it coming? Or was it dormant all along and did the final split happen only when one or both couldn't bear it anymore?
I guess I can count myself lucky - but I do agree with you Pam - one needs to be less judgemental and more generous.
Wow! Another great article and alot of great responses. I have been married twice,and as you say, it is hard to choose a partner wisely when you haven't seen a "good" example. I think a big problem in our society today is that most people are very "selfish" and only think about what's in it for them. I figure as long as I've learned something from the experience, it's worth it.
excellent article:) i'm new to hubpages and I hope to post some articles soon
i love this article i should forward this to soon to be ex-husband lol.
he he he...
Mark Knowles says:
6 months ago
You made some extremely good points here. I hadn't thought about the fact that we are living longer compared to when the idea of a marriage for the masses was invented. Nice one. :)