"You Want To Put What Where?!" - Anal Sex For Noobs

So you've finally decided that tonight's the night. After much discussion, debate, deliberation, and/or drinking, you have decided that tonight you get it in the butt. First off, take a moment to congratulate yourself on such a momentous decision. You are joining a proud lineage of folks who've ventured into an area of erotic-pleasure that knows almost no bounds. You are embarking on a journey that may very well redefine how you view the human body. Either way, you're taking it in the ass. Be proud

This guide will attempt to be a "One Stop Shop" for all your booty-bangin needs as most advice is pretty much applicable to both sexes. As with anything else, your mileage may vary slightly. If it varies wildly, you've got bigger problems than takin' one in the pooper.

Step 1: The Mood Save for a few souls who are homosexual men, or else deep (*snicker*) into BDSM, anal sex is something that must be worked up to. Typically this means that you're probably going to be having regular sex before anal sex. And let's be honest here, if your regular-sex skills are lacking, your anal-sex skills could very well be best described as "traumatic." So make sure you start out with some good, regular-style sex. As a personal aside, if your ultimate destination is the chocolate factory, I'd advise starting Missionary and then progressing to Doggy. Again, personal aside and not any sort of "you must..." statement.

Step 2: The Approach So it's getting closer to go time. For first timers, this is where things go from "this is a hot fantasy" to "wait a second, this IS a human ass we're dealing with here..." Translation: reality starts to set in. So advice here splits into two segments:

• Taking It In The Butt: Since you are the one who's going to have most of their neurons resequenced in a fit of erotic pleasure, it's best to understand that your body will be out of your control. Granted, you aren't going to start clucking like a chicken or anything, but there's a high likelyhood that you're going to be moving around and your lover can't follow every move. And since the act of having something in and out of your rear constantly and at a rapid pace tends to displace air, there's all sorts of exciting risks of "spillage." So, as a willing host, it's your job to keep a nice clean basement there. Is all this too flowery for you? Fine, take a poop before sex and try not to have a large meal beforehand. Speaking your language now? Great.
• Putting It In The Butt: Let's face facts. Unless you're a guy getting it in the ass somehow, you're probably the one doing the pushing here. And unless you are a devotee of anal sex (then why are you even reading this?), then you have no clue what the hell is about to happen. As you get ready for this exploration, just remember that the butt isn't multi-functional like the vagina. The butt serves one real purpose for the body and it's always trying to manage that purpose. So bear in mind that things may not go as you plan and there might be some unexpected happenings. It's ok. Just go with it. Still not sure what I'm talking about? Fine. Be ready for the occasional fart or some staining on your junk. Yes, there you go. Now you understand. Fantastic.

Step 3: Lube and Romance That's right. Lube AND Romance. Folks, you gotta woo the intended taker of this. Just saying something like "oh god, I want it in your ass" isn't quite cutting it. On the flip side, saying "fine, if it will shut you up" probably isn't going to end up in a good experience either. You've got to communicate with each other and make it clear that you both are ready. This can be accomplished in any one of a number of ways, but a general rule is that quoting "Baby Got Back" is going to get you slapped... or crapped on if the other person's laughing hard enough and ignoring what I put in Step 2. So yes. You've both made it clear that now is the time. Legs get spread and asses get... romanced. That's right... romanced. Folks, the butt is a complicated area of the body that, usually, keeps stuff in and tends to be unidirectional (pauses for you to make an "Exit Only" joke....... we good? ok, let's go). What you're doing pretty much confuses the hell out of an ass... at first. To make things easier, you want to gently let the ass know what's going on. And this means romantic stuff like massaging, rubbing (gently... it's a rectum, not a pork shoulder needing a dry-rub before a BBQ), maybe even getting down there with some kisses. Side note: I've never rimmed someone simply because I have a low squick threshold. Some folks don't mind, it's a personal thing. This is a great time to bring in the aforementioned Lube of the "Lube and Romance" title... So you're there and you've got your lube and a romanced asshole in front of you. Now what? Well, it's time to finish prepping the area. Yes genius, that means lube it up. Now, this is an area that is up for fierce debate... namely, which lube is the best? Honestly, it's a personal decision. Just remember that the lube should at least be water-based with a water spritzer nearby. Trust me on this. If you aren't sure of why, that's a whole other article that I can work on later. Just trust me, ok? Fantastic. So here you should start GRADUALLY applying lube. Remember that, typically, a little goes a long way, but it's best to err on the side of caution here. And by "err" I mean "use a little more than you think is necessary" and not "empty the bottle" ok? Rock on. Make sure you get some inside as well. And with that, we go to....

Step 4: Slow Start Congratulations. You are now either the posessor of or else in posession of a well-lubed rear-end. This is a good time to, again, split advice into two segments:

• Takin It In The Tookus: this is where you really need to work on relaxing. Breathing exercises, happy thoughts, good music, whatever it takes to get you into your happy place mentally. Please note: if the only way you get calm is through drugs, then you're pretty much sunk here. Until you actually know and understand how your body feels when it's got a large load o' cargo back there, it's best to do this sober. So get calm. Talk to your partner and tell them how you feel as you feel it.. but do be polite about it. Translation: "That feels ok" or "I like how that feels" or "Slow down" as opposed to "Oh Holy Fuck what the hell, are you jamming a log into my ass or what?"
• Tossing Into The Toss: at this point, you should be stuck on one speed... SLOW. Yes, I know that "slow" is often a matter of perspective, but remember that you're dealing with a sensitive body part here (rectums CAN tear, ok and you DON'T want that ER trip on your insurance). First off, you might want to start out by using some fingers first. One, then another, and so forth. Take your time here and keep the bottle o' lube -or else the aforementioned spritzer bottle- handy and freshen up that lube from time-to-time. As you work in a finger, take time to really massage the interior of the rectum. Again, romance. The purpose here is to get your partner used to the width gradually since, unless they have some horrific gastric anomoly, they aren't used to soemthing as big as what you're wielding. So exercise caution and concern. Once you have in as many fingers as can reasonably represent what you will be replacing said fingers with, then it's time to sieze your destiny with both hands and continue on to:

Step 5: Ass Fucking (couldn't come up with a clever title): So it's time. All prep has been done and it's time to go to the big show. Again, advice is in two streams...

• Wide Receiver: at this point, you're pretty much done. You've given signals to your partner that you're ready and have likely had your ass romanced. You're ready. Now what? Well... nothing. At this point, you just sorta close your eyes and let the partner take over.
• Quarter-Back: look at your partner. There they are... ready, willing, waiting, lubed, and -hopefully- enjoying themselves. Now it's time for you to... go slow. Yes, slow... again. Why? Well, even though you've used your fingers and gotten the receiver ready, fingers aren't whatever you're intending to fill them with. After all, a bundle of sticks is way different than a log.. am I right here? Of course I am. So start slow. Gently ease the end of whatever into your partner, taking note of how it feels (if you're a girl doing a guy with a strapon, this part won't be easy) and how your partner is reacting. Listen to any noises they make, feel how they move. You're probably capable enough to tell good sounds from bad and -likewise- good movement from bad. Now, the one thing you're waiting for here is for your partner to push back. No, not like "oh sweet Jesus get this out of me NOW or they won't find your body," rather more like "I actually want you deeper in me." As soon as The Push is confirmed, you're pretty much free to open up that throttle and give it a go. Just remember to keep a careful neuron or two on when it feels like friction is slowing down and retreat the area with more lube or water. Generally you won't need to do this often, but conditions can vary. While the ass isn't -by nature- self-lubricating, the body does occasionally find a way to overcome this.

So that's it. You are now having anal sex and, hopefully, enjoying it. If you're the giver, you're likely working that ass like an angry sharecropper with a grudge. Conversely, as the taker, you probably are now realizing why the term "Anally Fixated" was coined and are questioning as to why in the hell it was ever considered a bad thing. All the fun aside, there's still some things to remember...

1) Going from the ass directly to the vagina is a no-no. In fact, it's seriously a HORRIBLE idea. The rectum is designed to expel, as is the vagina. However, the vagina is a multi-tasker since it also tends to bring stuff (ie: sperm) in. So by going from ass to vag, you're likely dragging bacteria from the brink of terror into paradise. If you feel compelled to give it the ole switcheroo, then at least wipe off first or pull on a new condom. Some folks have come up with the ingenious plan to wear two condoms and simply whip off the used and have the fresh ready to go. I've no idea of why they choose this route, but I'm guessing they're Forumla 1 fans. If that makes no sense to you, don't worry. Just laugh, cause it's goddam funny.

2) In the shower? No. Not at all. I can't detail why this is a bad idea, it just is.

3) Cleanup will likely be simple (couple of quick turns with a warm rag) or terrifying ("when did you have corn on the cob?"). Either way, there is a small possibility of blood. Don't freak. If it's a small amount, it's normal as the rectum can tear easily. Conversely, if it's a large amount (your first thought is "did I slaughter a calf?") then you might want to freak out, clean up, and head to the ER.

4) Lather, rinse, and -most importantly- repeat. Having successful anal sex once is like having a great dinner out of the fridge once. You always have an ass just like you always have a reasonably-stocked fridge. Indulge often.

So there you have it. A nice guide to anal sex for the newbie. Oh sure, I've glossed over some more complex facts (why buttsecks in the shower is bad) and gone WAY overboard on other things (I did mention lube and going slow, right?), but this guide will help get you started. Enjoy!

Addendum: guys, don't think you're out on the receiving end either... everything I've mentioned in this guide applies to you too. The only real difference is that a woman won't get as much tactile response with a strapon as you do with your dick, so you need to communicate much more clearly and often. So put your fears aside (no, it doesn't make you gay.. just kinky) and give it a whirl... who knows, you may even see God. If you do, tell him I said hi and that I'm really sorry about that thing in '83... he'll know.