Your Child's First Five Years - What Parents Should Keep in Mind

Most parents have a fairly good understanding of how children reach developmental milestones from week to week or month to month during the two years of life. What may not always be so clear to all parents, however, is that those developmental milestones take place within a framework in which segments of time seem to require focus on specific areas of emotional/social development, as well as language development.

These seemingly most basic areas of development are associated with brain development, with a substantial amount of that development (which includes the formation of brain connections) taking place in the first three years of life. In other words, from the day your baby is born your job is to build his his brain.

Many parents, of course, are well aware of the fact that their job is to build their baby's brain. What some overlook, however, is that building a brain requires more than introducing educational toys and early reading programs to their baby. While there is debate about the value (or even potentially detrimental) effects of some activities designed for babies today, the purpose here is not to address either potential benefits or negative consequences of such activities. What many parents seem not to realize these days is that "building a brain" requires addressing the matters of emotional security and social interaction (being engaged and relating to others). To put it simply, these areas of development are essentially a matter of "learning to be person in this world and "learning to feel comfortable in it". These areas of development are the very things that give a child a solid beginning and help that child thrive later (for example, in school).

Along with feeling secure and relating others, babies, of course, need their language skills nurtured. The child with well developed language skills benefits in a number of ways, with one of them being the facilitation of further development. Most parents realize this, but what some don't realize is that a conscious effort must be made to talk to (and around) young babies beginning the day they are born. Overlooking a baby's need to be exposed to plenty of talk long before he can understand many of the words, or long before he becomes capable of forming words; and waiting until a baby starts to speak before paying attention to language development; doesn't help nurture a child's language skills. This doesn't mean bringing out the flash cards for a one-month-old infant. It simply means talking to your baby all through the day, making sure family members talk to him throughout the day, and seeing it to it he is exposed to conversation in general.

So, with the nurturing of language skills a priority from Day 1, and with language requiring the focus of parents through the first few years of life, the other areas of emotional/social development requiring particular focus according to age are always accompanied by the nurturing of language skills (which simply means talking to your child).

With each segment of time seeming to "specialize" in particular emotional/social issues, parents who focus on the particular "specialization" of their child's age will not overlook important areas of development. In fact, if parents understood that each phase of early childhood seems to have a "developmental theme" they may understand their child better and be better able to address their child's developmental needs with relatively little other understand of child development.

The "segments of time" and "theme" associated with each are as follows:

From Birth to Two Years Old - Sense of Security and Language Development

Three Years Old - Your Child's Admiration of, and Wish to Be With, You  (The focus is on your child's relationship with you, now that's he's no longer a toddler and experiences the relationship on different terms.)

Four Years Old - The Year of the Expanding World and Getting Ready for School

Five Years Old - The Kindergarten Year (The Beginning of a New Stage of Childhood)

Each stage of the first five years of a child's life is discussed separately below.

• Focusing on a Sense of Security and Building Language Development by Talking

In the first two years of life the focus should be on making a baby feel secure, happy, and treasured. Babies don't want or need much in this first year. They need to be well fed and burped, kept clean and dry, kept from feeling too cold or too hot, and treated/held in a way that makes them feel safe and secure. As each month passes they also need developmentally-appropriate things to (first look at and later play with) keep their minds entertained. Babies also need an environment that ranges from quiet and pleasant to more stimulating and pleasant, but "more stimulating" never means "over-stimulating". Perhaps most important (and sometimes overlooked by some parents) is that babies need their parent/caretaker to talk to them all through the day, and they need to be talked to in a kind, reassuring, soothing, and/or cheerful way.

If you keep in mind that a baby is new to this strange world, and if you remember, too, that a baby can't understand a lot of things and are helpless in so many ways, empathy will come to you a little more easily.

Holding your baby in a way that won't make him feel he may dropped (even if he doesn't have the ability to think out that worry in words he can sense it, and doesn't make him sense that you are tense, can increase his sense of feeling secure. If you spend feeding times holding him, spend some time separate from feedings to hold/rock him, and kind of snuggle him as you carry him from one place to another (maybe stroking his hand or kissing the bridge of his nose or his cheek), your baby will get plenty of snuggling. Babies who get plenty of snuggling are often quite happy to then take a break from it all and spend some "quiet time" in their crib. Not only that, but babies that are held affectionately and securely are usually happier babies. Happier babies are babies who develop well and are interested in entertaining themselves more and more as they grow.

The other way to help a baby feel secure and happy is to respond when he cries. Babies don't cry "for nothing". They only cry "for something". Needing to eat and needing a dry diaper are not the only reasons babies cry. You may not always be able to figure out why your baby is crying, but trying to comfort him and be responsive will show him that you are at least trying. Your baby will, however, sense if you are "trying" in a way that appears frantic and helpless. By the same token, he will sense if you seem capable and confident in your methodical approach to trying to figure out what will make him feel better. Crying means "distress" and "distress" means "stress". Stress is not a healthy thing for anyone; and the effects of stress hormones on a baby's developing brain are always something worth taking seriously. Babies who have responsive parents cry less, and when they cry they can be comforted more easily. After all, they have come to trust their parents and feel more secure when they're with them.

A baby under a year old is not plotting to rule the household or manipulate parents. Babies do not have the intellectual development for such things. The baby who is held more on a particularly rough day will not "learn" to "always cry to get what they want" or "that they never have to go to sleep in their bed alone". The year between birth and the first birthday is the year when a baby is new to this world, when his world is made up primarily of his mother (and father or other caregiver), and whether he will learn whether his small world is a welcoming, safe, place or a place frought with discomfort, insecurity, and hurt.

Talking to a baby is not just a way to help babies feel treasured and engaged. It is the beginning of his learning to communicate. Again, the baby who treasured is a happier and more secure baby, but the baby who hears his mother's words all through the day is getting a head-start on learning language. Most mothers instinctively talk to their baby about the things the baby is seeing or feeling. Saying, "One arm. Other arm. One leg. Other leg." when dressing a baby may not see very "advanced", but this kind of talk is what helps babies learn faster.

Not long ago I was outside a grocery store when a young mother came out with her baby. I was surprised to realize how obviously strange it seemed when she silently lifted the baby (of about ten months old or so) out of the shopping cart and silently placed her in the stroller, which was parked outside the door. The mother then proceeded to take grocery bags, on at a time, and silently load them into a carrying area on the stroller. She then did a few things to organize her purse and wallet -never saying a word to the beautiful little girl, who sat silently in the stroller. The young mother was doing all her "reorganizing" and "getting ready" (for the walk home) for quite a while, and in that time she never said one word to her little girl. It was the strangest thing because most of the time we see mothers with babies, and they will say little things like, "Oops - let's get you in the carriage now" or "Ok, you have your blankie now. We're going home." or "Oh, oh. I need to make sure I have everything in my purse. Wait for just a second 'til I check. Ooh - there's what I was looking for. Ok. Now we're ready to go home."

The young mother I watched treated her baby as if she was one of the grocery bags. She certainly didn't treat her roughly or handle her inappropriately, but she never attempted to engage the baby in what was going. At best, a baby who is treated that way often will not feel treasured and valued. At worst, there is the chance that such a baby may not get enough experience with the normal interaction of feeling engaged.

As the first year of your baby's life approaches its end, your baby will become more challenging in a lot of ways. First, this is when he will become aware that he and his mother are two separate people. (Apparently, babies don't think of that earlier.) This new awareness will make him worry when his mother leaves the room, because even if he's got the development to realize she is separate from him, he isn't quite sophisitcated enough the know that not being in the room doesn't mean "gone forever".

Also, as the first year gets closer to turning into the second year, babies are often walking (sometimes running), climbing, and generally curious about everything; but they're simply not able to understand the difference between, say, the televison buttons they're not supposed to touch and the plastic containers in the cabinet with which they're happily allowed to play. Toddlers this age don't/can't learn the rules of house. That can come later. At this age, parents just need to clear away a lot of the "problem areas" in the house and then constantly watch their toddler and intervene when he heads for trouble. Common sense tells us that the one-year-old who can't understand why the electrical outlet is off limits cannot understand why a parent smacks his hand when he tries to investigate it. If you try to put yourself in a toddler's place, parents can seem pretty inconsistent if, when you're simply being curious and interested, sometimes they smack your hand and sometimes they seem delighted that you're playing with something (your toy). A one-year-old doesn't understand what's happening; so even if he does learn to stay away from the outlets, he can still feel confused about his parent's apparently inconsistent and "willy nilly" behavior.

A more consistent, and easily understood approach, is to remove your toddler from the "don't-touch" things without fail, tell him "no", and offer something to play with that is "parent approved". If a toddler can't understand the rules he can't understand any punishment. It's that easy. What he can understand, however, is that every time he heads for tv buttons someone picks him up and moves him somewhere else. Common sense would also suggest that the child who is not allowed to just go from one thing to another, without ever being stopped, may actually learn because his plans (to touch the tv, for example) are interrupted, he's forced to kind of wonder why it is he is always taken away from the tv, and eventually conclude that the tv is to be left alone.

When parents behave in a way that could potentially confuse a toddler they aren't contributing to their child's sense of sureness and security.

Speaking of a sense of sureness, children a year old and under aren't very sure of a lot of things in this world; and that's where protecting them from unnecessary hurts comes in. That's not saying that a baby who is learning to walk shouldn't be allowed to fall down in that (ever-familiar-to-parents) heap. It means not letting a baby go through his day getting knocked around by older kids, falling on the corner of one piece of furniture after another, and generally being left to feel as if he's on his own in this world. When your child gets old enough to really understand what you're saying you can tell him, "Please don't ride bike near the fireplace. You could fall and get hurt on the bricks." A baby a year old or younger, however, can't understand those words; and he isn't developmentally ready to even remember all the rules and reasons for them. Year-old toddlers are new walkers and fall often. Until your baby gets a little more sure of the world, make sure he plays where he isn't being hurt all the time; and make sure he doesn't spend too much of his playtime being the littlest one among siblings or other children. Falling down in a heap usually doesn't hurt a toddler much, and a few "incidents" aren't the end of the world; but a toddler whose days are filled with nothing but getting hurt will be a toddler who spends more time upset than is good for him.

When your baby passes his first birthday life can get a little easier because he will be surer on his feet (so less likely to be getting hurt), and he most likely will have learned to (for the most part) stay away from things in the house that off-limits. That doesn't mean it's safe enough to stop keeping a child-proofed home, but once he's past a year or so old, a toddler becomes a little more focused on playing with toys and interacting with people. (One-year-olds are often "lone explorers" who pay little attention to anyone or anything around them.) With their increased interest in playing and with an ever increasing sense of independence, it can seem as if the second year begins a gradual building toward that year that's often called, "The Terrible Two's". Generally, in the first half of the second year (when the baby is between one year and eighteen-months) the toddler seems more like a baby than he will when he has passed eighteen months and is clearly headed toward being two.

I found fifteen months old to be the most difficult age for my children because they were still fairly young in terms of language development, but they still had the level of activity of a curious one-year-old. To contribute to the difficulties, however, was the fact that this was an age when they became more skilled with both large and small motor skills (which meant having the strength, ability, and stamina to keep going and keep climbing; and the fine motor skills and intellect to be able to get in more trouble).

It seemed to me that the fifteen-month challenge seemed to begin once each child passed fourteen months old but gradually improve once each passed sixteen months old. As toddlers get closer to eighteen months old they usually have substantially better understanding of language, even if they don't say all that much. Toddlers of this age have often moved past the "aimless activity" of a child closer to one year old, but they're moving closer to the sense of independence that comes with being near two. As a result, the challenges that this age can bring are often related to activity level combined with sense of independence, but as "grown up" as an eighteen-month old can seem (compared to a six-month-old), toddlers under two still need all the things that younger babies need. Sometimes parents seem to forget that, and the result can be a more upset, more frazzled, more insecure, toddler than necessary.

The first two years of life are not the years when a baby needs to learn life's tough lessons or how to be independent. A secure child will want to be independent naturally; and, as for life's tough lessons, a secure child who has parents who talk to him will be better able to deal with those lessons as they arise. Besides, when parents do what is right at home, there should be few "tough lessons" for a preschool child to learn. Those usually come once children are out in the world.

There is something about the first two years of life that many parents don't seem to understand, and that is this: In the first two years of a baby's life, if parents simply make the effort to make a child feel super secure and happy the two-year-old they end up with will be better able to deal with being two. This leads to the third year of life:

Two Years Old - The Year of Awareness of Independence and A Call for Parental Sensitivity and Cleverness

Just as the 21st birthday doesn't magically transform an otherwise immature 20-year-old into a mature adult, the 2nd birthday doesn't magically transform a toddler into a more "polished" child. If the 2nd birthday is the line that separates being a toddler from being a child, the two-year-old is just over that line.

It is during the third year of life that a child transforms from an "unpolished" little creature, who has graduated from being a toddler to being the youngest of young children, to being a fairly "polished" three-year-old. During that third year, however, life can be awfully frustrated and baffling for a two-year-old.

Two-year-olds become aware that they are "their own people" - independent. (This is why parents don't need to worry about trying to force their babies to "become independent". Children develop a sense of independence naturally, provided nobody does anything to discourage it. One way to discourage it, however, is to try to force it on the baby who is not ready for it.)

Two-year-olds know what they want but can't always have what they want. They know they're independent little people, but that can be scary when you're that little. With their awareness of all that is not within their control in life, two-year-olds gain comfort from routine. They tend not to like sudden changes in routine or surprises, so parents need to always keep in mind that a two-year-old will be good-natured if prepared for changes ahead of time (with more than one conversation) and are spared surprises.

The two-year-old who has well developed language skills is easier to deal with than the one who does not, because part of the frustration of being two is not understanding a lot of things. The two-year-old who has had the benefit of parents who talked to him since he was a newborn is often a child with better language skills, so his parents will find his third year just that much easier. Still, even the most reasonable two-year-old needs to be handled with a little care. Two-year-olds who don't have better understanding of language can be more easily frustrated.

Two-year-olds have graduated into "being people" (after spending two years as babies/toddlers), but their level of social refinement and emotional maturity could, perhaps, be compared to, say, the cavemen (who were people but less refined than humans as we know them today). Physically, two-year-olds are still not as refined as three-year-olds. Their bodies can be a little stockier. Their legs can be shorter, in proportion to their heads. The only reason I bring up the caveman comparison is to point this out: Imagine how a caveman would feel if he found himself in modern-day New York City or London, expected to communicate and behave in a socially acceptable way. If you gave that caveman a little time he'd eventually learn to behave a little more acceptably. It's the same with a two-year old - he's new, and he has things to learn. He just needs a little more time living in the world as a "little person", rather than a baby. In the meantime, he's often pretty lost.

Children this age are faced with a world in which people do all kinds of things they don't understand, they're often left to go along with someone else's plans without warning or benefit of explanation, and they aren't emotionally mature enough to deal with these frustrations and challenges.

To further make life confusing for these little folks, they are often ones scolded for hitting a sibling or playmate, when, from their perspective, someone has done something to upset them. Two-year-olds who spend a lot of time playing with other children can feel particularly frustrated if they have to try to keep up with older children, or have to play near children who just take away something with which the two-year-old is playing.

Children who are two still tire fairly easily, and they can be particularly "moody" when they're tired and/or hungry.

Parents of two-year-olds need to be particularly sensitive to how difficult life can be for children of this age. Reducing and eliminating many of the situations that lead to frustration for the child can help. Giving in once in a while can help too. That doesn't mean giving in to all the demands of a two-year-old, but sometimes letting a child of this experience being given a little control can help him feel less out-of-control in general. Parents need to reason out which issues are non-negotiable and which aren't all that critical. Obviously, the child who has a tantrum because he doesn't want to hold a parent's hand in a parking lot can't be indulged in his unreasonable wish. On the other hand, letting a two-year-old have that extra yogurt he wants from the refrigerator isn't a big deal. Giving in once in a while helps a child realize that parents are not always out to be involved with power struggles, and that parents do seem to be on his side a good part of the time.

If a two-year-old always has a tantrum when being pushed in the shopping cart past the candy rack, a parent can head off that problem by making sure he is busy with a toy and snack when it's time to go past the candy rack at the check-out. Doing something like making sure he's engaged in conversation and making sure he isn't parked by the candy for too long can help. Standing back (and out of eye-shot of the candy rack) until the person ahead of you in line is gone, and then quickly pushing the child in the carriage through, past the candy, can help.

Two-year-olds generally remain happy when they're being entertained with an interesting toy or book, and most enjoy any number of healthy, good-tasting, snacks that take a long time to work on eating (a little container of dry cereal, like Cheerios or Kix, a slice of cheese, some apple slices, etc.) Making sure the child has something entertaining to look at/play with means understanding the kinds of things that will keep your two-year-old entertained for the longest amount of time. My daughter used to love to look at the cat on the cat food box. That was what she looked forward to doing when we would go shopping. Books, pictures, and little toy people or animals can keep children busier than, say, a toy truck with no person to ride in it.

During the "year of independence-awareness" parents need to find a number of different ways to head of frustrations/tantrums, and that can start by knowing the things that make your child particularly "grouchy". That can mean trying to stay out of stores when he's hungry, or it can mean making sure he has something to entertain him when you're at a restaurant. It can mean limiting the amount of time he spends trying to keep up with his four-year-old brother, or it can mean giving in once in a while. If you know your child will have a tantrum if you announce that you're headed to WalMart but he's staying home with Daddy, don't tell him you're going to WalMart. Tell him, instead, you're going to get your car tires changed. On the other hand, if you know he loves going to the mechanic's shop tell him you're going to meet your friend.

Again, always keeping in mind that your child, right now, really needs to feel he's being let in on what's going on; and talking about what will be happening, can help keep frustrations and "panics" to a minimum.

Children are only two for one year. Parents who are understanding, sensitive, and clever (and even who learn to "walk on eggs" just a little at times) will usually find that any difficulties with a child's being two are actually quite minimal. In fact, the child who has had lots of high-quality nurturing and attention in the first two years of life can actually be quite easy to deal with at two years old (at least much of the time).

• The Year of the Expanding World and Getting Ready for School

While three-year-olds certainly enjoy some outside activity or a chance to play with little friends, three-year-olds can often be fairly content just being with a parent. Four-year-olds, on the other hand, tend to show signs of wanting to expand their world beyond their home. Four-year-olds love being with friends, going to birthday parties, attending preschool, etc. It can seem as if Nature designs four-year-olds to start longing to expand their world after learning "what there was to learn" about the basics of life when they were three. Four-year-olds (and children of ages over four as well) do love to spend one-on-one time with parents and other adults, and they still absolutely adore their parents; but they need more in their lives too.

Besides their expanded social life, four-year-olds benefit from being encouraged to build on their knowledge of letters, numbers, simple reading, etc. This fifth year of a child's life is a time when increasing attention span and increasing interest in "school-type" activities are things on which parents can capitalize. Talking to four-year-olds about what it's like to be in school, how nice it is, meeting new friends, how doing what the teachers says is important, and the kinds of things kindergarten children learn help preschoolers get ready for kindergarten. Making sure they have experience sitting and do "quiet" activities, and establishing a good sleep schedule are things four-year-olds need.

Four-year-olds are far more confident than three-year-olds are; so while three-year-olds may not be all that taken by their "own beautiful bedroom and nice, little, bed", four-year-olds usually are. Four-year-olds who have loving parents are usually happy, busy, little folks. Life at home, life out playing with little friends, life at preschool, their own "nice bedroom", and even lunch all tend to be great for four-year-olds.

While healthy eating habits are always something parents should encourage, four-year-olds are old enough for parents to start talking more about healthy meals and snacks. Four is an age, too, when talking about the world is still important. While three-year-olds enjoy learning about the basics of day-to-day living at home and in the community, four-year-olds are often interested in learning yet more. Things like how the water gets into the faucets, how electricity travels through wires to make the lights light, why people should donate to charity, or how to watch out for a baby brother are the kinds of things four-year-olds like to learn.

• The Kindergarten Year

For most children the fifth birthday marks the year of starting kindergarten. Life as a preschooler has turned into life as a kindergarten student. Most parents will find that moment of sending their five-year-old off to "real" school bittersweet, and their child can suddenly seem so "grown up". After all, their child is no longer afraid of things like jungle-gyms or animals on the bedroom wallpaper. Five-year-olds know what things like crickets really are, and if they don't they're old enough to know to just ask. Five-year-olds, however, are still awfully young children - and that's what parents sometimes need to keep in mind most. Life can still be pretty uncertain for a child of five, and five-year-olds remain extremely attached to parents. In fact, five is when children may start to worry about their parents dying.

Just as two is the age that is "just over the line" that separates toddlerhood from early childhood, five is, in many ways, a "just-over-the-line" age when a child has recently crossed from being a preschooler to being a school-aged child.

From the sixth year on, the focus for parents shifts from "building a child" or "building a brain" to "guiding your child through childhood". When parents have been loving and skilled during the baby and preschool years the child they "built" is most often a well behaved, nice, child with few problems. What parent could ask for anything more....

As I said before, "perfect" is not about never doing anything wrong or never making a mistake. Your child will do his share of wrong things between kindergarten and age 21 or 25 or 30. He'll make mistakes, just as you, as his parent, will undoubtedly do. Yet, as you send your five-year-old child off to kindergarten; and as you notice how perfect a child he actually does seem to be, feel free to secretly pat yourself on the back and feel proud. After all, if you hadn't been open to the idea that your once newborn baby was a perfect creation you would most likely not be looking at such a well adjusted, happy, child today.

The road to your child's adulthood is a long one, and a whole lot can wrong between now and then.

Still, if you've done a great job of giving your child a great start during his infancy and preschool years you've done a lot to give him what he'll need to get safely and successfully down that road to adulthood.