Zombies are coming. Yes, you heard me correctly. One day you'll be sitting on your couch, watching Howie Mandel make a complete fool of himself while he whoops and hollers over what briefcase some idiot chooses, and you'll hear a knock on your door. This knock will change your life forever. It's not the mail man with more Pottery Barn catalogues. It's not some solicitor with a Kirby vacuum in hand. It's not the next door neighbor coming to complain about your dog crapping on his lawn. No, this knock will be far more important. It will challenge what you think you know about the world, and it will make you question everything you've ever been taught. This knock will be the catalyst for your entire belief system crumbling on top of itself. That's some pretty heavy stuff, I agree, but it's not every day that you find yourself in the middle of a zombie uprising. Imagine your fear when that knock turns into three, which then turns to ten. Then it's accompanied with the most terrifying, guttural groan your precious ears have ever heard. What do you do then? What do you do when you find yourself completely unprepared for even one zombie? What if there are ten thousand? What then? What happens when they surround your house and you and Howie are left utterly defenseless and scared for your pathetic lives? Alright, your life isn't pathetic, but Howie Mandel's sure is. What do you do then?

Okay, you can relax. There are no zombies at your front door. Not yet anyway. But don't get lulled into a false sense of security. They will be there one day. Trust me. And when they come how will you face them? Will you cower in a corner or will you fight for your life? Will you frantically run around your house like a chicken with it's head cut off or will you make a dash for your zombie preparedness kit?

What's that? You don't have one?

Well, aren't you a little behind the game? Luckily for you there is time to prepare, but not as much as you may think. The zombies will be here when you least expect it, and if you're lucky enough to survive the first wave and somehow avoid becoming one of the living dead, you're probably going to have to spend the rest of your life trying to keep it that way. Now, doesn't having a zombie survival kit seem like the very least you could do? If it seems that way, it's because it is.

I have included a link to The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks. This is where you should start. It will tell you everything you could possibly need to know about surviving a zombie attack. It covers everything from suggestions on what to supply in your house, lists of both the least and most effective weapons against a zombie horde, ways to travel across zombie infested areas, types of habitats you'll want to construct to stay safe, and even documentation of past zombie incidents (yes, zombies have attacked before). I wouldn't recommend it if it wasn't the absolute bible on zombies and surviving their bloodlust.

But let's go back to your house. The zombies are knocking on your door. What do you do? I'll tell you.

First, head straight to your zombie survival kit. You should keep this kit upstairs. If you live in a one story, keep it in the attic. This kit should include, at the very least: enough canned food to last you and your family several weeks, a flashlight (preferably one not dependant on batteries), a hatchet or axe, a crowbar, a radio (again, one you can physically charge is preferable), matches, ear plugs (enough for everyone), and emergency flares. Optional equipment may include firearms. A carbine assault rifle, such as an AR-15, is recommended for zombies. Remember, only a shot to the brain will slow an attacking zombie.

So the zombies are at your door and you've gathered your family and run upstairs. Leave Howie Mandel to his own devices. Odds are he deserves to die anyway. Your first course of action should be to plug all your sinks and tubs. Start the water and let them fill up. There's no telling how long you're going to have to tough it out up there and you'll need all the drinking water you can possibly scrounge up. Your second order of business is to take your axe or hatchet and go to work on your stairs. This could take some time, so get started right away. You want to completely destroy the zombies' only chance of reaching your upper level. Remember, zombies have very limited intelligence and will not be able to solve puzzles. They do not have the capacity to stand on things and climb up. Work fast and don't stop. It shouldn't take long for the zombies to break down your doors and crash through your windows. If you live on a one story, take your supply kit and get in the attic, or on top of the roof. Once you have fortified your position, remain extremely quiet. Do not make phone calls. They will only alert the zombies to your presence and there's probably a good chance that the phone lines are already down or flooded anyway.

The waiting game begins. All you can do now is sit. You must wait until help arrives or until the zombies lose interest (which isn't likely to happen). This is where your ear plugs will come into play. The zombies' moans will be incessant. At first it will be tolerable, but as more zombies arrive and as more time elapses, the constant hellish moaning will start to weigh on your sanity. The last thing you need as you sit there waiting for help, or your own demise, is a complete psychological breakdown.

So, I've gotten you past the first few hours. You're safe and sound so far, but it's up to you to stay that way. Again, I recommend The Zombie Survival Guide as an excellent resource of information. Remember that this is siege warfare. The zombies do not sleep and they do not tire. They never lose their thirst for human flesh and will not stop, ever. They are waiting for you to make a single mistake so that they can welcome you to their exclusive club. Follow my directions and maybe you can take yourself right off the guest list.

And remember, when you're sitting on your couch and you hear a hundred hands clawing at the walls, don't say I didn't warn you.