If you have discovered that your spouse or significant other is having or has had an affair, please know that you are not alone. There are so many feelings and reactions that you go through after discovering this information that I'm sure you have begun to think you are going crazy. You're not. You're normal and you are dealing with shock and trauma. The first thing you might be thinking is that the affair the other person had is your fault. It is NOT your fault!

Your partner will give you thousands of reasons why they believe it's your fault and don't believe a single word. They are just trying to pass the blame onto someone else and not take responsibility for their own actions. In other words, they have resorted to acting like an immature child that doesn't want to grow up.

Fact

1. They made the choice to lie and cheat behind your back. They could have told you the truth or even divorced you first out of common courtesy. They had many choices they could have made, and they chose to pick the worst.

2. You will hear many reasons why it's your fault. "You didn't listen to me," "You didn't take an interest in me," "I didn't know if I even existed in your life," "It didn't seem you were still attracted to me," "You got chunky and stopped taking care of yourself," "I told you I was unhappy and everything I needed from you and you just ignored it," or my personal favorite:  "I never seem to think of consequences before I take action and I don't know why." These are nothing but excuses to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They have gotten really good at lying and betraying. They have so many other choices they could make instead.

3. They are blaming you because it is difficult for them to accept what they have done. They need to feel better about themselves and not taking full responsibility, blaming others and making every excuse in the world is an escape route. In fact, it make take them many months or years for them to finally admit they had an affair (because they will continually lie to you every time you reveal more evidence) or even use the word "affair" in their vocabulary. If the affair is still very active, then expect to hear a lot of lies to not just you but everyone in their life.

It's Not Even About You

What they did has absolutely nothing to do with you. In no way is it a reflection of how good or bad you are as a lover, spouse, parent or person. It is really all about them and is a reflection of their own selfishness, weaknesses, needs and desires they can't fulfill themselves. They are relying on someone else to make them happy and feel secure. It could be that they think a thrill would shake things up in their life and boy do they get what they ask for!  They get a short-lived thrill with long-lasting negative ramifications to follow. Keep in mind, that a thrill does not have to be an affair! There are so many other choices.

It begins in their mind dwelling on everything they don't have instead of everything they do have. Their negative mindset deepens and soon they are vulnerable to the slippery slope of an affair. Once they are in the affair, their mind is literally in an altered state of consciousness. They are unable to think about anyone else but themselves and their own self-gratification. Consequences are not considered, just themselves. Later, they realize what they have done and that is when the blame game begins.

"Most of the issues that lead someone into infidelity are almost always about them. Some people are emotionally undeveloped and in need of validation. Some people are terribly insecure, even in what most of us would consider a secure environment. Other people carry around pent up feelings that lead to vengeful actions." - Richard Allen, First Aid for the Betrayed

Stop the Blame Game

When you begin to think about what has happened, you may blame yourself. This could be because you are believing what the other person is telling you or as a way of searching for understanding. Keep this in mind: there is nothing that justifies an affair. All they had to do was tell you the truth. They chose lies, secrecy and deception instead. In fact, they may still be choosing to do this long after the affair is over. It is a way of avoiding themselves and the situation at hand. They are seeking lies instead of truth. It feels better this way instead of searching deeply within themselves and finally dealing with their own issues where the truth is revealed.

There are many resources available to help you understand the facts and myths about affairs. This will help you get on the road to recovery with or without your spouse. Please get a support group (that's what friends are for), seek a counselor and educate yourself as much as possible about affairs. Do whatever you need to do for yourself and don't make any major decisions until you can think clearly again. Time is on your side and depending on whether or not your spouse is willing to take full responsiblity, genuinely ask for forgiveness and show you a willingness to change things, an affair does not automatically mean divorce. Regardless of whether or not divorce is the best answer for you, believe that you will recover. This horrible thing some of us have to go through in life will make you stronger and better than ever before.