You were lying on your deathbed. You are by yourself and your life flashes in front of you so to speak. What would the 3 things be you would tell yourself that you are proud of, and what 3 things would you have wanted to be different, or maybe wished you could have done?

Being truthful with yourself about your life and how you lived it would be a pre-requisite. Some people say we die the way we live. You reap what you sow and sow, sorry, so on. As an Information Technology Consultant, in my last moments, I would unquestionably not talk about the program I wrote at Coco-Cola. How smart I was for thinking of the brilliant, first of its kind, design. How the users loved it and how fast it ran. These everyday achievements won’t matter to me while frantically fighting for my last breaths. How about the stunning Turquoise Porsche Cayman that I finally managed to afford at age 40? Suddenly this achievement just does not carry the importance I seek as the inevitable darkness nears. It is time to drop the pre-tense, the need to show off and the need for approval from my friends and other people.

My two small children started joyfully running around in my tired mind. Yes, this was what it was all about. I get it now. I was born to change two lives, two very important lives. I am proud of the mother that I became after experiencing a love for my children that I did not even know I had the capacity of feeling. I am proud that in the face of adversity, when everyone deserted me, I continued seeking the answers to my daughter’s failing grades in primary school. After numerous specialists and months of perseverance, she was finally diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). My children required me to become a better person than who I was, and I rose to the occasion. I am proud of leaving my birth country behind at age 32 and travelling to North America with only a suitcase in my hand. For not giving up when in my first weeks I did not even know where the Pharmacy was, what the written road signs meant as they were in French, or when my bleeding heart begged to go back to my birth country torn apart by violence and crime. These are my proudest moments.

My smile faded as I travelled through the highways of my life wondering what I regret the most, or what I wanted to still do before I died if there was time. I wanted to visit the Great Wall in China with my best friend, Mandy. Just to be in the presence of such history and greatness would have filled my reservoirs with such joy. I should have planned my time better in order for me to go on this trip. I met Marius when we were both in University. He was studying to be a Medical Doctor. He was smart and handsome. We fell in love and I knew then as I know now that I would love him until the die I died. What excuse can I offer to myself for that night 5 years into our rock solid relationship when I overstepped my physical boundaries at a party? How different my life would have been with Marius and the bright future we had as a couple. How often have I caught myself lost in dreams about what could have been. I missed so many future shared adventures. We meet one person in our lives that leaves a mark when they leave. Others come and go and it hurts a little but we are able to move on. Now, hearing my laboured breathing in these final minutes I wonder whether I should have contacted him again. Maybe we could have worked things out…what I would have given to see him one last time. Darkness unexpectedly absorbs me as my thoughts flat line.

My consciousness abruptly returns to this very moment as the train comes to its usual screeching halt at my station. I stand up somewhat dazed and overwhelmed by emotions. As I walk to my gorgeous Porsche Cayman I realize that in the big scheme of things, I have lost track of some important values that I once used to treasure. As I drive home I reached for my cell phone. Today I will plan my trip to the Great Wall and nothing will stop me from going. I will entertain no more excuses. In the end I have to accept that there are some things I can change at this point in my life, and some regrets that I will just have to live and die with.