Zen Profanity: How to Be Healthy Despite the Fact You Are a Cow
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It starts with your doctor
Any physician will tell you that being overweight is not a good thing for your health. Talk to a cardiologist and he or she will tell you about blood pressure issues and how excess weight can overload your heart. Dieticians will tell you about glucomeins and dihoxidrants and all kinds of other crap that nobody has ever heard of and even less frequently ever cares. In fact, no matter what damn doctor you go to they are always gonna start in just ragging on you about how fat you are and how bad that is for your heart and health. They just go on and on about it with all this "cholesterol this" and "diabetes that" and, well, you know what, all that bitching and harping on me ain't that great for my health either you bombastic, white coated bastards. Telling me I'm going to DIE all the time isn't all that fantastic for my frickin' blood pressure either, is it? You know what? If doctors would just shut their face for two seconds my stress levels would go down about a thousand points. How's that for lowering my blood pressure you bossy pedantic pricks?
What doctors are REALLY like.
Now, you see how relaxed I feel after that little diatribe? Do you see what I did there? I vented. By letting out steam like this, you can do wonders for your health. Rather than go outside and do horrible things like running or riding a bicycle which will ultimately make you sweat and therefore stink, not to mention pitting out your shirt, stay inside and swear.
To further prove the veracity of these highly medical claims, let's examine a few actual case studies to get a better idea of how Zen Profanity works.
Case Study 1
Mr. Jordan Baker of Medford Oregon got on the scale one afternoon and noticed he had put on a few extra pounds. He went to his doctor who told him to cut out the carbs, eat more fiber and to get a bit more exercise.
The following day Mr. Baker went Walmart and bought the items listed below:
- Running Shoes ........................................................................ $49.99
- Socks (those cool little ankle ones, but without the bunny tail). $ 5.99
- Running Shorts ........................................................................ $14.99
- Family Guy T-shirt (he had no idea they sold those there) ...... $9.99
- Jogger's Vest with reflective striping ........................................ $15.99
- MP3 player with built in AM/FM radio ....................................... $99.99
- For a grand total of ................................................................. $196.94
Mr. Baker then took these items home, unwrapped them and put all the packaging in the garbage where it was destined to go to a landfill somewhere and kill chipmunks and endangered butterflies, and then went out for a jog.
He was struck by a bus and died.
Conclusion
Exercise is expensive, bad for the environment and fatal
Proof of how dangerous outside activities are for overweight people.
Case Study 2:
Mr. Robert E. Hopslicker got on the scale one afternoon and noticed he'd put on a few more pounds. His wife saw this and nagged at him to go in for a checkup, which he did. His doctor probed him and did unnecessary things with a finger and a latex glove, and then told Mr. Hopslicker that he was getting too fat, which made Mr. Hopslicker feel bad about himself. But then, Mr. Hopslicker told his doctor to fuck off and punched him in the eye.
- Cost for Mr. Hopslicker's "exercise equipment" ........................ $0.00
- Grand total ............................................................................... $0.00
Mr. Hopslicker felt much better afterwards and then went home to his wife. She started to nag him too and so he told her the same thing he'd told the doctor, but spared her the damage to an eye. He would never hit a girl because that is wrong and he knows that girls are vindictive and have long memories, memories that are still working when a man has gone to sleep, memories that are very scary when in the proximity of a knife or bottle of Clorox bleach. However, telling her to F-off made her stop nagging him and instead, wooed by his healthful manliness, she put on her most sexy outfit and the two of them made love for three hours, after which Mr. Robert E. Hopslicker discovered he'd worked off almost two entire pounds.
Conclusion
Zen Profanity works.
Get Healthy With Zen Profanity
Clearly the medical evidence supports Zen Profanity as a means of achieving better health and it is my unqualified opinion that exercise of any kind should be assiduously avoided at all cost. Furthermore, if you should find yourself in a situation where some health professional or even just a "concerned" friend of family member starts in on how you look, tell them where to go, how they can get there, and what they should shove up their ass along the way. I promise you that you will feel much better; you'll reduce your stress; and you'll lower your blood pressure too.
Zen Profanity: Swear your way to a healthier happier you.
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Comments
Happiness is the shiniest side of contentment and the best we can hope for. (Sorry they made you cry though, that's hard core. You probably should work some Zen Profanity in if they start up again.)
I love you. This is perfect.
You know, I've lost 15 pounds the last 3 months, and I'm still losing and walking all over the place and all that happy horseshit, but you know what I've noticed, seriously? I am SO FREAKIN' MAD ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!
No, really. I think there is a connection. I'm too hungry and pissed off to figure out what it is, but I laughed (some more of) my ass off reading this. Thank you!
Well, you are entirely welcome. Perhaps I should do an adendum hub touting the health benefits of reading my hubs. Hmmm.
Shadesbreath, Your Awesome!
Another masterpiece.!And really, you can never go wrong with a Python skit. I laughed very hard at the entire piece, and funny thing, it fits comfortably with the way I actually feel. I can't watch those clips with the people falling though. It has to do with when I was 7 yrs. old, and involves a stick in the ground, my gonads, the inside of my stomach, and emergency surgery. I'll tell you about it sometime.
Great hub! Were you the first?
Christoph, I am looking forward to that hub! Laughing just thinking about it, but thats the kind of sick sense of humor I have. Sorry.
Ty Gwendymom, you are awesome for saying I am awesome.
Christoph, seriously, dude "the inside of my stomach?" Are you for real? You do need to tell that story, either here or in a hub. Get crackin'.
Oh, and if you're asking if I was the first health hub, no. There were like six or so up before me I think at least.
Maybe. It hurts just thinkin' about it.
F*** this S***!
It's proven fact that agressive behaviours are the main predictors to all sort of illness, including cancer.
So less money spent, but a slow death!
How's that zen for you, hein? HEIN????
Hey, that actually felt good! Keep up the good work! ;)
So funny!!!
Brilliant as always, but please can you do a hub about how to "gain weight", as I have always had this problem, and apparently it is statistically far harder to gain weight than to lose it, so any advice in your unique style would be much appreciated.
I am lovin the ads for Beautiful Somoli girls and sexy singles that google is running on this hub--very zen I think LOL--delightful read Shadesbreath. I make a point of staying away from doctors and strenuous exercise but I intend to exercise my thumb right now on this hub. Thanks
ha ha ha ha ha! Love it! Thanks ! Still going ha ha ha ha ha! :-)
Great hub as usual Shade! I rank "you need to lose some weight" right up there with "we'll have to work on your smoking habit" at the doctor's office. I just give them my sweetest smile and say, "Good f'in luck with that!"
Misty...if you need to put on some weight, come over and I'll feed you. You'll be waddling out of here in no time at all!
Yes, Anime_nanet, a good foul-mouthed explosion is like lancing a boil on your soul. It's gross, sure, but relieves so much pressure, opening the way for happiness. :)
Anna Marie, thanks much for that.
Misty, I might just do that... although as one who resides firmly in the corpulent collumn of life, stick with being thin. If you think strong winds are coming, just tie yourself to a fat guy. Outside of that, there's really no advantage. Bottom line is, whoever is telling you need to gain weight should be treated exactly as are those telling the rest of us to lose weight. Look them straight in the eye and say, "Eat shit you fat bastard, you gain weight if you like that idea so much. I'm fine. Thanks."
See, I feel better for saying that and I'm not even in your shoes.
Robie: Hurrah for a fit thumb (and thanks). And yes, I truly with all my heart and seriousness believe doctors do more harm than good for many, many people. I know for damn sure they do more harm to people's bank accounts. I read somewhere that medical bills are like the third largest cause of family bankruptcy in the U.S. (It may have been higher, I'm fuzzy on the math). I think that is shameful in a society like ours. And besides that, you want to talk about damage, two nights ago on the news they had a story on a study done at U.S. medical schools that revealed that less than 2% of the students intended to go into primary care, all opting for better paying speciality jobs and - here was a real killer - jobs with less bullshit paper work and less intrusion by Insurance and the Government. So, all those primary care jobs are going to be filled by people getting there "medical degrees" in foriegn countries. Can't wait to be treated by some guy who graduated with a C average from the Tijuana School of Medicine. That will be great. Doctors are evil and getting worse every day (unless you're actually going to die, in which case, they can't do any worse.)
Dineane, ty, glad you got a laugh, and thanks for saying so.
Hah, yeah Spryte, they'r always on me to back off of the beer too. Like that's going to happen. Beer is evidence of God's love for us, why would I dis' God?
You're right. It just so happens I am "up" on my beer quotes.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin
Go Ben!
Benjamin Franklin is one of my all time favorites. You ever read his auto biography? God, that dude was flat hilarious... and hilarity perpetrated at the level of a genius no less, for oh so much joy.
Nothing like a bit of creative expression to undo what's stuck in the plumbing.
Spryte you are welcome in my home any time, but I warn you I have the appetite of a four year old and am full after a dozen forkfulls normally.
Shadesbreath, I can't really see myself saying that to my 70+ year old Mum when she tells me I am too thin, I think it would finish her off. LOL.
As for tying myself to the fat guy, well why do you think I married Richard, he weighs over 14 stones versus my 7 stone 8 lbs. This ensures I never blow away any more.
Exactly, Jewels. You see it perfectly.
And, Misty, probably a good call on the choice of mates then. You're set. You got a nice thin physique so you look good and you got an anchor to hold you down in a storm. Totally covered.
"Doctors are evil and getting worse every day (unless you're actually going to die, in which case, they can't do any worse.)"
Too frustratingly true. Spent two days in the hospital in May, they sent me home, said we don't know what your freakin' problem is, that'll be $15K, go see yer GP. So I did and he was such a goofball I'll never go back. Now I'm in collections WITH health insurance WITH paying them too and I never did get any answers or treatment. So screw them, I'm NEVER going back unless I'm about to die (my work sent me there in an ambulance so I had no choice). It's dangerous in there, seriously.
Hence my weight loss and health regimen, and I've also STOPPED taking all drugs, all of them. I know this isn't a very technical analysis of the state of medical care in the U.S. but basically, it's crap. In case anyone was wondering.
Thanks for the laugh :)
Well done.
Now here's the Shadesbreath that takes our breath away. The one we all love to read and laugh and get mad over. when I want to tell my dr off next time I'm gonna have this hub in my pocket and then when he sues me for hitting him in the eye, I'll turn him over to you. hahaha
great hub shadesbreath. eat a cookie, the chocolate cake is mine.
Pgrundy, I bet that ambulance ride cost you at least 1500 bucks. It's criminal how it works now, and I'd really, really go off, but I'd end up coming up for air in about 6,000 words, so, I'm just gonna nod and agree with you and tell you you're smart to stay away. They're bastards (again, unless you are about to die).
You're welcome Uninvited Writer, and thanks. :)
Yeah, Marisue, I confess to trying to make some evergreen content here and there. I was gonna make another name for the boring ones but decided, screw it. People will just have to glance at the title of my hubs and decide if they're potential for humor or not before they decide to read. Two names just means I wouldn't get my first 100 check until 2013 instead of 2011 which is my target currently.
And just punch that bastard. You're a chick so you probably have tiny chick hands which are nice and pointy if you really angle the first two knuckles forward when you hit... great for eye punching. Enjoy!
Funny hub. Thanks.
I subscribe to the Joan Rivers philosophy, “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”
Hah, yeah, exactly. Fantastic evidence in support of my feelings too, I toast your contribution, Susan. Thanks.
Hi Shades. Love the hub. The more I read about healthcare in the States, the more I realise we shouldn't complain as much as we do here in the UK. Oh to have Misty's 'problem' (LOL) A moment on the lips equals a lifetime on the hips in my case. I loved the Python sketch, especially the bit where the Doc sliced the umbilical cord with a meat cleaver. I've got the Python black knight sketch on my keep fit for knights hub, strangely enough. Anyway, great hub, it made me laugh.
Super glad you laughed, that was 80% of the point. And Monty Python rules. I've loved them my whole life, respected the writing and acting as brilliance. My appreciation was mocked a time or two by "intellectuals" as I grew up, but, to my great joy and, to the vindication of Monty Python, there is a MP script in the Norton Anthology of British Literature now... being taught as great, insightful literature (which it is). I'm glad those guys are still alive to see how amazing their insight is.
Yup! I've found in life I get to be Fat and Happy OR I get to be Hungry, Bitchy, and Better Looking... the choice is tough and I waiver between the two throughout each year...
Great Article- very funny and well written!
Life has a tendency to be guided by the false binaries born of human grappling with the universe and truth and whatever that means to our frail vanity. Don't let them convince you that happiness is hinged on the size of your ass. That is a false binary. Prior to Jay-lo a big ass was cancer. Prior to Twiggy and perhaps more recently Keira Knightely, "no ass" was equally cancer. Just proves that "they," whoever they are, are assholes and have no clue about anything. Hawt is in you, not how you look.
Shadesbreath,
I find this shit very funny, You m*th*r f**ker. BTW, where does Mrs Hopslicker live
(I'm a doctor)
She lives with the poor bastard who is subjugated by his ignorance of biology and the avaricious practices of his Insurance company in a world that makes him feel less than mediocre. While he may totally take it up the ass by his insurance and the doctors who conspire to wealth against him, he does have that one luxury of getting to bang Mrs. Hopslicker seven times a day. It is the one thing that sustains him in a world that otherwise conspires to defraud him. While he may be pathetic, I believe God smiles down on him every time that amazing woman settles down on his face.
Whether you're writing the straight stuff or the wild and witty; I'd read you. You could make the phone book sing....so keep it up!
You and yours are a lucky couple. =))
I keep telling her that, Marisue, so she knows. (and thanks)
Great title, Shadesbreath. Loved the case studies and conclusion that exercise is expensive, bad for the environment and fatal. LOL Great hub as usual! Thumbs up.
Thanks. Glad you liked the case studies. Science is fun, isn't it?
You know, I would never take one of those treadmill thingy tests, I know several people who have died of heart attacks from them....then of course, the doctor is always right "yep, he had heart trouble" -- too late for the patient-naturally.
Tim Russert for one. scarey.
Yeah, they purposely stress your heart out. No thank you. After all the beer and cheeseburgers I've had, I damn sure ain't going to hate on my heart on purpose. Me and my heart have an understanding like. I promise not to beat it to death on a tread mill and it promises to beat. I'm good.
me too, no thanks for the early death test, doc!! LOL
Those medical Jackasses are always bitching at me about my blood pressure, too! I usually ask them what the hell they expected after making me watch The View, and Martha Stewart for two hours after my appointment time!
Hah, yeah, BT, no shit. "Hey doc, you want my BP down, try not making me sit two hours out there amongst the diseased masses horking up lungs and spewing every contagion known to man into the air in your waiting room.
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Squimpleton says:
15 months ago
Hahahaha, that's great. People (my parents) are always telling me that I'm "getting fat" (notice it's always "getting", I never fully achieve it). It's very hurtful and it stresses and depresses me. I ended up having a mental breakdown the last time my dad commented on my rising weight.
It's not quite the same as Zen profanity, but crying does work on getting people off my back.
End result: I gained a bit more weight, but at least now I don't feel as depressed. and isn't happiness more important than weight?