Moving on After a Break up
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Breaking up
So you and your spouse or ex lover are no longer together. Are you the type that lingers on licking on old wounds over and over again? Or are you ready to accept the demise of the relationship and take life by the horns.
If you still are reliving the past then chances are you haven't accepted that your relationship is over and denial has grabbed on to you so hard that your vision has become distorted. It is very difficult and painful when a relationship ends. Even though a relation may end, it doesn't mean that it is the end of the world or the end of you. But here are some tips for moving on when your relation has turned sour.
*Accept that the relationship is over.
Accepting that the relation has ended is probably the hardest thing to do. It hurts very much to hear someone tell you they no longer want to be with you. You can hardly believe what is happening. Denial sets in when you start to believe none of this is really happening. You may cry, scream, and even become angry. These emotions are normal and you need to go through them. But is is very important not to linger in denial, anger, and sadness to long. A good way to dealing with the stress of breaking up is to talk about it. Talk to one of your close friends or a family member you can trust. But don't overload yourself or you friends with the break up. Overloading your friends with it will make them keep their distance from you. No one wants to hear the same thing over and over again. It also slows down the healing process. The best way to come to terms with something to face it and deal with it head on day by day. Accepting that its over will become easier everyday.
*Take responsibility for your part in the end of the relationship.
It's easy to blame your ex partner for all the things that went wrong in the relationship. But it is never any one person's fault. In order not to repeat the same mistakes , you have to learn what caused the problems in the first place. Ask yourself some very important questions. Is there something that you could of done differently? What would you do differently? Where you paying attention to those warning signs about your partner? Own up to your part in what went wrong in your relationship.It's important to learn from your past experience. It makes you a wiser and maturer person.
*Forgive yourself and your ex partner.
Even if your ex partner was the worse person in the world, you have to forgive him or her. Forgiveness is not for the other person,it's for yourself. Forgiveness helps you to let go of the hurt and anguish that was caused by your partner. It frees you from holding on to things you need to discard. It doesn't make you forget those things that took place, but it does become easier when you release the baggage. We all do things we regret. Even if you did some things in your relation that caused it to fail, you have to forgive yourselves as well. We all make mistakes. We have to accept our mistakes and own up to them before the forgiveness process can even begin. You cannot heal if you continue to beat yourself up over something you cannot change. Learn to be forgive.
*Give yourself time to heal.
There is a saying. Time heals all wounds. But you have to allow it to. Don't make the mistake and jump into an new relationship too soon or spend to much time being angry and depressed over what took place. Allow yourself time to heal from the break up. Use your time to reevaluate and nourish your mind, body and spirit. Breaks ups can take a lot on you. Take time out for yourself and get to know who you really are. Once you stop blaming yourself for what happened, you will realize that everything happens for a reason. Time marches on and wounds do heal.
No one said a breaking up was easy or that healing is a fast process. But it will happen if you allow it to. Take one day at a time and you will see a new horizon ahead. If you need to seek professional help, take that step. There nothing wrong with that. You can find support in your friends and family if you need it. What is important is you get through your ordeal healthy and you've learned something. Moving on will get easier from day to day.
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BEST THING I DD WAS READ THIS!! AFTER MY BOYFRIEND BREAK-UP WITH ME:(
can you send me some msgs
This is very tough for me. I'll try those recommendations. She broke up with me after 12 years married. We married when we were 20. All I've done is cry and lose 35 pounds over 8 weeks. We have a little baby girl. Her first birthday is today. Sometimes I just feel like taking my life. God, I've never felt this pain in my life! I cry like a sissy and feel very low. I just want to abandon this world!
She was my only and best friend. I don't feel like dating, nor even know how to anymore. I'm finding it difficult to get over her. She says she loves me and that she is in love with me but she cannot live with me in the same house anymore. We argued a lot. She is a bit irresponsible but now I could care less. She doesn't believe me. Maybe I'm being stupid, don't know. She is my other half. All I know is that I cannot function without her and I love her so much. She is living at her mother's now with our baby. She does care a lot about letting me see the baby and stay with her. That's something important to her.
I'm at a loss. I just want her back no matter what it takes.
i still cant let go and its been almost 3months we havent been together.i just dont know what to do any more.i cry every night over him! i need help
good article, ive just been put in an impossible situation with my girl friend of 16 years. i am not hurt as all that happened before, i am very disapointed as i am nearly 60 and live in the far east with her. I have nothing left but bitter memories now but you are right , no point in being angry , its a shit but so what . iam lucky , i am strong and determined and will probably be better off in the long run
To Jess: I know what you must being going through is very difficult. I don't want you little girl to live without her dad. So you need to be strong because your little girl needs that. If you can not get along together and work things out with your spouse then you have to accept that. I know that easier said than done. But for your daughter sake you must. Its hard for a child to comprehend why his or her mom or dad is not together. Most of the time kids think that they are to blame for their parents break up. Children need to see their parents happy together or apart. What your girl needs is her daddy and mommy working together for her benefit. Its better for her to be from a broken home than live in one. Its ok to cry it doesn't make you a sissy or punk. It makes you human. Jes, if it didn't work the first time, taking her back may prove to be another failure. Right now, you need to find someone to talk to about your deep feelings of loss and depression. Divorcing your spouse is hard but not the end of you. I know you don't feel like doing anything and some of what you are feeling is healthy. You can't give up on yourself or you baby girl. It is good that the mother allows you to see your daughter. But if your baby girl sees that you are unhappy and miserable she will think it is because of her. Find a support group in your area, a local church or seek some counseling. No one person makes you we make our own destiny. Right now it hurts like hell, I am sure. But you have to fix what is broken inside of you before you can be with some else. If you really want to work it out with your spouse, I wish you luck. But happiness come from with in. All my best... Jtboswell
To: Shaunice
I know this is hard to hear but you have to let go. It is healthy to cry and feel what you are feeling but don't linger too long. Take it one day at a time. Don't listen to any sad music it only makes your more miserable. Take this time to be good to yourself. Have a spa day with your friends. It may be a hard road but it gets easier. But before you can heal you have to accept your relationships demise.
Nicky Kramskoy:
You sound determined and strong. I glad you like the article best wishes!
Well, this definetely works, but not always.
To me when you say moving on, it is to do something that will make you forget or atleast not think about the whole break up etc. My girlfriend left me 2 months ago after a 4 1/2 years of love and a wonderful relationship, I admit that I still have not move on but I am trying my best to do so.
One thing that worked for me is playing basketball with friends, play video games, meet people and make friends. Remembering the pass could be really stressful. If you dont do something about it, it will always make you not sleep at night.
So my advice is do something recreational, work out, get a job, play games, keep your mind out of the drama. Motivate yourself, always think that the best days of your life is still ahead of you and there is someone special waiting.
To Ice8eight: No, I don't mean moving on is about forgetting about the break up. What I mean is accepting that the break up has happened. I don't understand when you say that doesn't always work. But what you said in your last statment is great. Someone special is waiting for you. But you have to be ready for them.Each person may do something different to heal as far a getting their mind off of the break up, but everyone will go through the same phases of the healing process to heal. Those are phases are denial, anger, depression, and lastly acceptance. My above advice is really simple. If you accept responsibility for your actions in the demise of the relationship, learn to forgive, and let time heal your wounds, things will get better day by day. No one said it would be easy, it is hard. But eventually it gets better. ,,,,Best of luck
wow I just checked back and you just replied a minute ago.
Anyways, like I have said, me and my girlfriend broke up. I still have'nt move on but I am seeing some improvements like I am able to sleep every night, get back to school and do my work and other things. Although whenever Im alone it gets into me. I keep remembering the good times, bad time and the whole break up think. Like you have said, denial. I deny every single thing that happened during the break up. Right now Im still depressed.
Its tough but I know I need to get through
Thank you for this article. I've been reading a lot of things online since my break up but I like how this really breaks it down.
It only happened a week, after a year of the best relationship I've ever had. He's a fireman in NY, went through the grueling academy for 6 months. Despite that, we were (so I thought) perfect together. We have known each other for about 12 years, he's close with my family, etc.
A few weeks ago, I felt him withdrawing. I asked him about it & he said he just had a lot on his mind, but didn't really want to talk about it. I didn't push the issue, just told him I was there if he needed me. A week ago, he told me that he was feeling numb, that he doesn't want anything. Even though he's 30 years old, has a job that he loves, things just aren't clicking for him. He wanted time to figure things & himself out. Told me it wasn't anything I did, I'm not needy, on top of him, or smothering. He was such a social guy, but he said he doesn't feel like seeing his friends, all he wants to do after work is stay in & sleep. He doesn't want to "answer to anyone."
I stupidly though, even though he wanted space, we were still together in some ways. Two days later, I see he changed his facebook status to single. I thought he would've at least respected me enough to give me a heads up. To me, I feel he took the coward way out.
I did know that when he is going through difficulties, he tends to push everyone away & shut himself down. I thought, being his girlfriend, he wouldn't do it to me.
I am at a loss, crying all the time. I'm keeping myself busy but he's always on the back of my mind. There's a big hole in my life without him.
Karen: Sorry, I didn't get backwith you sooner but from what I am reading it sounds like you are very focused on the ex and what he is feeling. You sound like a very caring person. But you should focus more on your own needs and not worry so much about your ex. You have to accept the break up and begin healing. If you are still talking to your ex or still intimate with him, you must stop that behavior completely. The reason why I say this is because you can't move on unless you let go. At this point intimate relationship with your ex is very unhealthy for you since your trying to move on. Crying is good but try not to do it all the time. Being busy is a good idea but try not to avoid your feelings of loss. Acceptance is the key to the healing. Don't blame yourself for the break up. Unfortunately, youre ex decided to end things. Whatever the reasons are you have to be ok with it. Karen, it sounds as though your ex has already moved on. And it is time for you do the same. It isn't going to be easy but my prayers are with you. If you feel you need to talk to someone you may want to seek some counseling as well.
very well written article. i was dating someone for 5 years and even after we broke up we hung together for months afterwards..i loved him and i still do but i think i know that we're just not good for each other, we both had our issues while we were dating he was in constant touch with his ex girlfriend and would do things that would hurt me he'd travel with her, tell me he needed to have an early night and then would push off to go see her.. this went on for a bit and i let it slide because i was hoping that at some point he'd change and if i'd tell him about how much it upset it me he'd just say that she was a very important part of his life and he couldn't let her go. anyway i reached a point in the relationship where i realized that things were never going to change, he loved me and i know that but he just took me for granted because he felt that i was always going to be there.. the reason we broke up was because i cheated on him. it just happened i wanted out and maybe i was too weak to do it the right way.my cheating on him was the catalyst for a break up but when i look back now i realize it was over long before we actually called it quits. a couple of months later we decided to give it another shot. i apologized profusely but he couldn't let it go, he'd abuse me in public, say all sorts of nasty things to me and was just disrespectful. if i asked him not to he'd just say you messed up deal with it.. this went on for a bit and after speaking to a couple of my friends i decided that i needed to move on with my life so i called it quits. i've now met someone else who's the complete opposite of him. he's warm, caring and he loves me but i can't seem to drop my guard for the fear of getting hurt again. now my ex has come back into my life and says he loves me and wants to give it another shot, he says he'll try and change if that's what it takes to make it work but he wants me to stop talking to this other guy which i guess is understandable but he also doesn't want me to talk to anyone he doesn't approve off?!? i really do love him and it's so hard for me to take a call on this, i know i should be moving on and putting this behind me but i waited for him to say that he'd change for years and now that he's said it i feel if i don't give it another shot just to see if he really has i might regret it later.. what should i do?
It's been year since my x has left me. I have yet to wake up and not think about him. He was so cold to me, I alwalys wanted to get close him. I wanted to show him that I am worthy of his love, and he denied it. I kept trying. Now he is getting engaged and I have accepted it. Still there is part of me that thinks he may return. Everything I do feels like a competetion with him. I know he doesnt even care and know about my life anymore. But I still want to show him that I am worth his love, I just wanted to be wanted by him. I loved him so much, I wanted to marry him. I just want to move on, I dont think I have accepted our break up yet, since I keep thinking he might be coming back. In reality, he wont. I starting to hate my emotions, I dont know if I can ever relived of this misery.
For Michelle: Let me say first that I am sorry I got back with you so late. I read your article and I was quite sadden by it. I think you already know what you need to do. It sounds as though you don't beleive in yourself. I don't want to tell you if you should stay with this guy or not. That's your decision to make. With what I read, I want you to ask yourself two important questions: Why do want to be with someone that you treats badly? Why do you want to be in this realtionship? If what you say about him traveling with ex and cutting your dates off early to go see ex is true, I don't know why you even want to be with him. You already know that you have infidelity issues and most relationships don't recover from infidelity. The reason why I say you have infidelity issues is because what you wrote in you letter. How do you know if you won't have another weak moment? How can your other half be sure you won't betray him again? From what you have metioned in your letter, this guy doesn't seem to be ready to let go of the infidelity go his ex. Relationships only work if the two people in it can forgive, trust, support, respect, one another and have boundaries. It is clear from what you wrote you have none these. You have to take care of your own issues before you can be committ to someone else. I know you wrote that love him but apparently he hasn't shown you the love you feel your entitled to. This is probably the reason you cheated, but it still doesn't excuse the cheating. I am not sure what you mean by he abused you in public. Since I don't know if he absused you emotionally or physically, I will tell you this. If he was emotionally abusive in the past or still is, I don't know why you think it will be any different now. If he is physically abusive then you may need to seek professional help. You don't deserve to be hit no matter what you did wrong. If that is the case you need to walk away. I know you want him to change. But people have to want to change for themselves. People change only when they feel there is a need for them to do so. It seems to me that both of you have somethings to work on. I think you need to reevaluate what you want and what is healthy for you. Hopefully, you don't want to spend another day in a bad relation when you can be in a good one. First, you need to forgive yourself. Be accountability for the problems you caused in the relationship. Everyone makes mistakes. You can't keep reliving it and neither can your other half. The questions is when do you decide what is good for Michelle. You can talk to a million people and they can all give you advice about what you should do. Your the only person that has to live with your decisions. So decide wisely. Create your own destiny. What do you think you should do?
To Minicooper123: I am so sorry I got back to you so late. I read your article and I don't know why you feel that you need this guys love so badly. It sounds bordeline obessive. And it sounds as though you have really low self esteem. You need to really accept that this relationship is over. I know it is hard but he is getting married to someone else and is probably not even concerned about you. He seems to going on with his life and you need to the same. I know it easy to say and harder to do. But you are waisting so much time pining away for someone that is showing no interest in your love. I don't know why you feel you have to prove to him you are worthy of his love when he apparently from what you wrote isn't interested in you. I feel your pain because I have been through rejection. It hurts. But I really think you need to find a hobbie or take up a new activity to get this guy out of your system. Maybe even counseling would help you. I know you feel lost and down. But don't stay down to long. Time goes on. You've got to change your attitude and do something other that pine away for someone that may never return your affection. All my best.....
Hi. Before the breakup happened, I felt as if my boyfriend (well ex) only made me an option. He would get back to me whenever he had the free time (like driving) but he wouldnt make an effort to make plans because he didn't know if he would be busy and so on. So i got super upset when we havent hung out in 4 days and he told me that he couldnt hang out on wednesday and thursday. I got super upset and he hung up the phone and texted me: call me back when you're done being upset. i didnt call him back because to me, that meant to call him back when i was okay. it felt like he didnt care. So then we havent talked to each other in 5 days. the pride got the both of us. but i decided to go clubbing with my friends and got drunk. i ended up kissing one of my girlfriends which a guy posted on facebook. this other dude ended up kissing me out of nowhere. The next day i told my boyfriend that i ended up clubbing and he got super upset. but after that he forgave me instantly. i was planning to tell him about the details but didnt know how to approach him with it. He found out from somone else and broke up with me. I feel bad for that because now i replay everything in my head. i wish i never went clubbing and i wish that i couldve handled the situation differently. He was a really good guy that just had so much on his hands. I blame myself for not being understanding. I feel like theres just this hole in my chest that won't go away. i begged him to take me back and i know that there's no way. he's that type of guy that makes a decision and sticks with it. he's one of the best boyfriends i've ever had but was just really busy. help
Mel: From what you wrote, I don't feel I know enough about your relationship with your ex to tell you if you should try to work this out or not. It sounds like you guys has some issues way before this incident took place; but from what you said above, I'm not sure. I do feel you made a grave error in judgemnet when you went out. Its understandable that your ex is upset with you. He may feel like you cheated on him by kissing someone else. It sounds like your ex has trust issues with you now because of this incident. As much as this may hurt you, he may not look at you the same way anymore, or ever want you back. He's probably mortified and hurt by your behavior in the club. Your face showing on facebook is now a vivid reminder to him. All that being said, that maybe too much for him to deal with right now or ever. Just give him some space and time right now. If you push him, it may make things worse for you. You made a mistake and its ok. We all do things we regret. Don't beat yourself up about it. Mel, I don't want to give you the drink more responsibly speech. I hope that this whole incident has taught you that. The outcome could of have been far worse than you losing your ex... Just keeping real.. you be safe Mel... always willing to talk to you...
Thanks for the good sense. I have been here before, and everytime I tell myself, "Never again - next time, I'll get it right." After 11 years, it is so hard to start over. Some days it is an effort to put one foot in front of the other, but the alternative leaves a lot to be desired.
It is necessary to be reminded of the simple but very difficult things we need to do just to keep going.
thanks so much. i did give him space. i tried to ask for his forgiveness and he said theres no way we're going back out. so i figured that i wanted a clean break. i erased everything we've ever had but the memory is still intact. i know i'll be okay. it's just the NOW that sucks. i've had my ups and downs for these past 5 days. Some moments i just completely lose it which i know is normal and other days im feeling that i'll be okay wihtout him. i went to sleep early. i got this message from an unknown number at 2am... (because i erased his number and never memorized it) but i knew it was him he said, "hey. how are you? are you up?" i didnt reply because i was sleeping and then he said "okay. just disregard the last text. i didnt think you were up. sorry for texting you. you're probably reading those magazines and following them that say to cut off all ties to your ex. anyway, good night, stay safe" i always used to read magazines when we were going out that's why. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? everyday i have been getting slowly better. if he just texts me out of nowhere.. im going to expect the worst. i'll be mad if he's playing around because i've worked really hard to accept we're over and now this? i'm kind of tweakin out. haha.
RedElf: Thanks for the comment. You sound determined and confident. Your half way there. Best wishes to you....
MEL: I think your ex isn't sure what he wants to do. Honestly, when someone says to me there is no way that we are getting back together, that means its over. If I were you I would ask myself why he would tell you that and then turn around and want to talk to you out of know where. I don't know if he wants you to keep chasing him and begging him or if he changed his mind about what he said. Your getting better and better each day which is great. Healing from a break up is difficult. Lets say he wants you back then later says" I changed my mind." I think that would be devistating to hear. I know you still love this person. But I think you should remember he said there was no way that you and him were going back. He sounds wishy washy now that you accepted its over. That is never good. I Beware... Best wishes...
yeah you're right. thanks. it always makes more sense when someone else makes you see things for what they really are. i think i'm going to try to do my own thing from now on. He claims that he wants to be "friends" because it felt "weird" not talking. well obviously it feels weird because we just broke up. what does he want from me? He says that he doesnt want to lead me on but texts me about uneccesary things like help with so and so. I feel like he's keeping me at arms length just incase he decides to change his mind. I feel like he is being selfish. I want to be over him and start over especially since i will be moving in a month to my own place. If he really loved me and decided to forgive me, he will come around one day if that's the case. Other than that, i'm not going to hold my breathe for any fairy tales or happy endings. School will be over in a week and if we constantly see each other, we will never get over each other (he says he still cares and is not over me yet). I'm just going to go with the flow and remember the reasons why we broke up to prevent me from feeling needy or depressed. I won't be losing anything by getting over him and becoming a self-reliant individual. Thanks for all the advice and making me see things clearer.
MEL: I am here if you need an ear. I think your doing the right thing. Just walking away. Even just to clear your head. Take care of yourself.
I like this..
after my bf broke up with me..it hurts big time..
i want to move on already..
for the both of us and esp.
for me..
Sara: First,I want to say that I am sorry for what you are experiencing. I think your boyfriend may genuinely need a break. I think the way he is going about it is all wrong. He should have never asked you to wait or given you the greenlight to wait. Sara, people take breaks because they don't know if they want to be in a relationship or they don't know if they want to continue in the current one. I will tell you this. I remember saying that I need a break from my boyfriend a while back. But I never asked him to wait on me because honestly its just selfish. I cared for him too much to waste his time waiting for me to figure out what I was going to do about my life. Because I just didn't know at that point. I said " If you are there and you still want to be with me that's great if not I understand." That was all I said. I let my guy decide what he wanted to do. I knew I had a chance of losing him but I decided my own well being was going to take priority over my relationship. That's the way your male friend should of done it. You don't ask people to wait on you because you put them in limbo. Which is what you allowed your friend to put you in. It sounds like he wants to have is cake and eat it too. He sees that you may possibly be slipping away so he reels you in a little with some hope and loving words. Right now, he's still not sure if he wants to be with you full time. Which should give you a hint he is not ready to be with you. Sadly,it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with someone else. He is thinking only of himself and he is the only one benefiting from this situation. If you choose to keep putting yourself through this, you will continue to be hurt. I think if you love someone you let them go and if they come back to you its yours. But he's not letting you go he holding on to you with just in case..... He changes his mind. But he get to do what he wants while you wait. I think you should ask yourself why are you staying in a situation that you are not benefiting from.
I totally agree with you. He has told me many times that he doesn't expect me to wait for him and has even said that I should tryto date others because he doesn't want me to sit around waiting on him. However, when we were still in contact he got jealous and would say that he thinks I'm moving on faster than he is.. and I'm like.. hello!? You're the one who's moving on faster than me.. YOURE the one who wanted to break up. I asked why would he want me to date others if he still loved me and he said he just sai dthat because he doesn't want me to think he's expecting me to sit around and wait on him... However, talking to him and hearing him tell me he's still in love with me is what's keeping me waiting. So thats why I have cut off all communication with him a little over a week ago. I'm trying to move on but it's very hard. Esp when I have in my mind all the "what ifs" because he's "still in love with me". I know that I need to let him go and if it's meant to be it will come back.. but even if we are not talking do you think it will come back? I feel like he needs to grow up a little or have some time to "rediscover" himself ya know? I just don't get how he could have kissed me and held my hand..and got all emotional just 2 weeks ago and then not be with me.
So yes, I agree with you but he has told me he doesn't expect me to wait around. I just wish I could completely let go.. and if he comes back good.. and if not, it's better off.. ya know? I guess it's all apart of the healing process.. getting to that point and all. It's just so hard after that person was such a big part of your life.
Sara: It sounds like you really love this guy. And that's the sad part. He's not in love with you Sara. If he told you to date other people, he is moving on and he wants you to do the same. He said he doesn't want you waiting around on him.Take him at his words. He may say he cares, which maybe he does in away. But not the way you want. There is nothing else to read into those words. A man who wants to be with a woman doesn' tell her to see other people. I think you should move on. It'll be hard at first but its a step that you will need to take. I know he kissed you. Don't read anything into it. I think should should cut off communication with him. Don't allow yourself to be a used for sex either. It sounds like it may come to that. I know what I may say to you may hurt, but I think you heed it just the same. Your young you will meet someone who is ready for the big heart that you got. His words say it all. Let him go .... Take care
hi,
i went through the rticle and i just wanted to share my saga.
it all started when my EX girlfriend was studying in another country and we started chatting and talking on phone. She told me she is doing some course in that country. after 3 months of chatting and phone talks she we met , she finished and came back. we both liven in different cities so the plan was to catchup in my city and go on vacation to some nice place.
the day came when we were supposed to meet and i waited for her at the train station , but she didnt come or even call me , then she called me after 10 hrs that she is with her family and she wants to see me, i tried to book my plane tickets but couldnt get any flights, so i decided to go by my car, i travelled and got into an accident but even that didnt stop me, i left my car and got a lift till the place i was supposed to meet her,
i waited for her but then she came and we talked and everything. it was ony for few mins. then she said she is going back with her family and will catch up in future.
i got a scholarship and went to study in another country where she joined me after 5 months. we started living togather and this is the time when i found out what she really was.
first i found out that she lied about the study she is doing in the other country, then i found out that she had lied about her age, then the biggest thing was her name, it was not her real name, she lied about her real name for all these months .
but i felt very bd for a while but then i thought , its the person i love not the name or the age .
time passed by and i realised she is very immetur , fights for the food , she never cooked for herself , rather stays in front of her PC and asks me to make something and she would have a bite, after a long day of study and work i came home and i cooked for both of us,
then after few months i came to know that she lied again about her studies, and then again she went to see movie with one of her male friend alone. i calmed myself and forgave her .
then few days passed by and she got a job for herself , she used to leave at 6 am and come back at 7 pm, it was really hard for me to stay like that with her, but she always showed she loved me, so i forgot everything everytime i saw her face and when she said she loves me alot.
then after that i saw the real mess she makes, she abbused me on my ace, really loud, threw my stuff out of the room, on a simple matter that i just asked her a question regarding a male office friend and she became really voilent in front of everyone and behaved like a psyco and called the cops,
the cops came and everyone who say everything said she is the one who made the scine so they didnt say anything to me.
that was the last thing i could bare, i moved out , found a nice appartment, started living my life, then one night she called and cried and cried and kept on calling me, i then being an very emotional human, met her and she convenced me to move back with her. so i moved in,
then after 1 month she went bact to home country to her family and didnt even bother to call me for 30 days. and yes, as usual i became an emotional fool , shekept all her lougage with me which included 2 big bags and 12 cartons of stuff .
i carried it to the new place which i took after she left. after trying to get in touch wth her for many days i thought she is not coming back and i assumed she has broken off.
but one day she called and said sorry and made a awefully lame excuse for not contacting. then she extended her trip from 30 days to 4 months. i still waited for her.
when she came back we moved in the same house but this time i moved into a different room. time passed by, and a hell lotof burden came on my head, my job, studies, assignments and exams, she is not doing anything right now except asking me to spend time with her when i am studying.
last night i promised her that i will do a favor for her , but due to late night studies and COOKING also, i was tiered and i slept for few extra hours, and i said i will do the favor tomorrow since its not that important.
today she said she doesnt want to talk to me and went out with with one of her male friends and came back really late, i just wanted to have a talk instead she came out and started abbusing me and saying she doesnt love me anymore and she deserves someone much better than i am.
i agreed with her and went off. she said she would have done this long before and i agreed on this also, now i am a bit sad for myself that why the hell did i fall for her and gave her the most important pace n my life and heart. this really hurts and i feel bad when i remember the good time (WHICH IS VERY VERY LESS) togather.
These comments have helped me so much. I have an exboyfriend that I have to work with everyday. He has had a new girlfriend, but still tx me and just drops by my house. If he calls and i am not at home he acts offended or hurt. Or makes some snotty comment. I am trying to move on but he keeps up with just enough contact to act like he still likes me. It will not work for us. We are good as friends but not as partners. He is too too critical of me and does not show me respect or value my feelings. But then he says or does something nice and I feel torn and very used. I really want to get over him
Malcum: I really don't know what to say after what I just read. I don't know why you didn't let this girl go the minute you found out she lied to you about who she was. I wonder how you truly feel about yourself. You went to great lengths to be with a person you really new nothing about. And when it started getting bad you continued the relationship. You sound like a good person. I think you should take a step back and ask yourself why you wanted this relationship in the first place. Did you learn anything from the mistakes you made? Because if you didn't learn anything your doomed to repeat it. Malcum, I know you maybe a little sad but be glad that this relationship is over. It could have of been worse..
For EKT:You broke the number two rule in dating. Don't date your coworkers. Because if you break up, you have to deal with seeing them everyday. Its hard to get over someone that is passing you in the hallways or your seeing them in the company break room all the time. I don't know how you can be friends with a person that is critical of you. Sounds like your ex wants to play games. Why do you want him as a friend when he feels he can just come by your house at whim? You sound as though your not ready to let go. You say you feel torn and used. Why? Are you sleeping with him still? If you are sleeping with him you should stop. He may be doing or saying nice things to get next to you. It sounds like he has gotten to you. I think your torn because your expecting something of him that is not there. Are you expecting him to change? From what you wrote, seems he isn't ready to do that. His actions show total lack of respect and consideration for you and his new girlfriend. I know you have feelings for this person but he does have a new girlfriend. You have to respect the new relationship. Its not just about your feelings. You and he or over. Don't let him play with your emotions. Because that's what it seems like he is doing. People treat you how you let them treat you. Accept bad behavior and actions and you receive bad behavior and actions. Move on the right way. Eliminate your contact and conversations. Until you tire of riding this emotional rollercaster, you will always feel hurt and confused, and used. I say get off the ride and move on. Find someone else and get a new friend.
hey i just got out of a realtionship after 41/2 years its been 2 months now and ive found someone i really like and care for we only knew each other for 5 days and it feels like months we have that connect i wish we had this before my ex-fince. i am over my ex and i want to move on and be with the one ive learn about and i am every happy everytime im with her and when im not i think about her all the time. i would like to know how long should i wait to start a realtionship. i want to start now but i dont think its a good idea i would like to hear from everyone please
Jose: I don't think you should jump so soon into a new relationship. You don't know anyone after only five days. You just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship. That's a long time. Five days is nothing. You need to give yourself time. It sounds like your on the rebound and craving a committed relationship because you just lost one. Please allow yourself time to be alone so you can figure what you really want to do. Ask yourself why the other relationship failed and why are you in such a hurry to move on. You don't need to repeat those same mistakes with your new love that you did with the ex. How long did you know your ex before you got into a relationship her? I said this before already but please give yourself time to breathe. This person you like might be the one but if you have not given yourself time to move on properly and regroup you may repeat the mistakes you made the first time and wind up getting hurt all over again. I really don't suggest jumping into a sea of fish so soon after you just threw one back. Wait. Love takes patience to grow. Unless you never cared for your ex, I don't see how you can just turn your feelings off like a faucet after 4 1/2 years of supposed love. There is no rush. Time heals all wounds if you allow them. Rushing and impatience causes accidents. Go with your instincts on this one. Sounds like their good.. Wish you well Jose...Jtboswell...
Hi, this article is really helpful but the problem is that it all looks so easy when i read it 2 days ago and frankly speaking its really hard to move on and forgiving her and myself. When i moved into uni she kind of became my best friend, we used to hand out day n night, soon my feeling grew for her and i fell in love with her, even she did. After 3 months my parents went against her and didn't supported my feelings for her due to their believes, so i tried to keep a distance with her so as to not to realize after years that there is no future and we cant get marry but i love her. We used to have our arguments, but with her everything used to feel perfect with her. Now she moved on, left uni, got married and went back to her country leaving me behind. She was all i wanted and i drew her away (coz my parents wont have accepted her) but still i cant forget her as i still love her n miss day n night. Now i cant do anything, i even feel wired talking to her even as a friend. Its been 3 months and i still cant get over her even though she is married, everything reminds me of her and i cant get over her. Now we are sort of friends, i know i shouldn't be but she was my only true frind that i ever had. All day i keep on thinking about her and how our relationship could have been without restrictions. These days i cant even study or do anything, i cried a lot in the beginning, tried distracting my mind with other activities but everything makes reminds me of her or how she could have been here with me. I know our relation is definitely over but i still hope it doesn't. i also cant forgive her as she left me and myself for doing the thing that i did to make her go away from me. i also blame my parents and their believes for everything that had happened and i cant even tell them as they have given me everything that i ever wanted except this. Damn i really miss being around her.
D: You sound very young and in love. I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are but give yourself some time and it wil get better each day. Now that she is married the only thing I can tell you is to let it all go. Their is nothing to do but give yourself time to greive the loss of this relationship. I think its too soon for you to be wanting her friendship because your not over all of this yet. Continuing your friendship with her at this time may not be a good idea for you. You have to forgive her and your parents no matter what they did. Its in the past. Whatever they did they can't undo it. An unforgiving nature is like a weight that gets heavier and it only hurts you in the end. She is married now so no matter what took place in the past you can't go back to it. You have to respect her choice and let all of it go. I know your hurt and down and that is ok. But don't stay down to long D. The world is going to keep rotating if you want it to or not. Take your time get reaquainted with D. Make some new friends and take it slow. You will have your days of hurt but they will become less and less if you let it. As hard as this may sound, it wasn't meant to be. And maybe it was all for the best. There is someone out there waiting for you. Just give yourself time.................Take care.... and wish you best
@jtboswell ,
hi this is malcum, today finally after breaking up with her (actually she is the one who broke up and i was so glad she thinks that she dumped me, coz then she wont have any regrets of anyone hurting her) anyways it doesnt matter, all that matter is she left the house , packed her bags, broke almost everything i owend, and left, i took pictures and recorded the way she abbused me , and seriously i am feeling a little sad since she said a lot of things that an intelectual person shouldnt, cursed and talked to her male friends who are as dumb as she is, and i really shouldnt be cairing, but it is a little cold outside and i am still worried. i dont know what to do to forget this, This has seriously made an impact on the way i think and persieve things.
I want someone who would understand and care mutually, atleast be polite and show some intelect when it comes to relationship. what to do and how to do it, and i seriously regret the fact that my past is so so bad, and i have a hitch wether to discuss about it with anyone whome i like or not. what would they think. i am a little worried.
Malcum: It seems to me that the worst is over. It is horrible that she broke your things but not all women are so violent and dramatic. Remember she lied about who she was in the very beginning so don't expect to much of her at this point. I think you will find someone that will love you for you. But you can't keep kicking yourself about this. You made a mistake all of us have made them. You are going to feel bad for a while but don't spend a lot of time worrying about someone who really doesn't deserve a second thought. Just be glad that its done and try to focus on your own life and keep it moving. You talk about the past but in actually the past is done. What is done cannot be undone. Whatever you did you have to forgive yourself and let it ago. If you can make amends for the past even better. Sooner or later you will feel comfortable about the past and forgive your own transgressions. We all have done bad stuff. No matter what it is it can forgiven. But first you have to forgive yourself. Let it go. Ask yourself what did you learn for this sorted relationship. All the things you did wrong, don't repeat it. Its really just that simple. Learn to love, respect and appreciate yourself. Don't let anyone undermind you own authority over your life. Get some positive things going for yourself, get some uplifting friends and let the past just be that. The past. Malcum, the past is gone, the future is bright, and today is a gift. That why they call it the present. So enjoy your life,.. love, laugh, and worry not. You take care... And take some time out for you to relax. Tommorrow is another day,,,, Best wishes from Jtboswell.....
Hi jtboswell, thank you for your article and the feedback you've given to so many individuals. I was reading the different situations & your feedbacks and was hoping I can apply your advice to my problem, but everyone has a different situation, so I decided to write to you, hoping I can get some good advice on how to get back on my feet again.
I've known my ex-bf for about 9 months now. We met at orientation (we were sitting at the same table next to each other) when we first started working (but we were in different departments). I felt that we clicked rather quickly, but the thing is, he has a girlfriend of 3 years who he's lived with for just ~1 month (at this time). Previously, they lived in another state and were living apart from each other. Every now and then, we (the ex, his gf, and I) would find time to hang out during weekends. Everyday at work, we would chat with each other, even after work. I felt like we were updating each other the other's life every minute, but we just enjoyed talked to each other. After knowing him for about 2 months, both of us started to like each other. But he was in a relationship (although a bit rocky when I first met them) at the time, so I tried to keep my distance. During this period, he decided to leave her because he was getting tired of her emotional breakdowns every now and then, and occasional mentions of "break up". He told her that he likes me and she said that she's happy for him. Not too long after (probably a week or less), we got together; it was more of a "spur the moment" kind of thing - - i.e., we were a bit drunk, became physically close and then kissed, etc. I honestly didn't know we were together as gf/bf until a 2 days later. I guess he acknowledged it, and I didnt (I guess I wasn't ready, or didn't think he was ready because he just got out of a 3-yr relationship!). We dated for ~1.5-2 weeks, and I'd have to say that as much as I love him, I was mentally drained from the relationship. He lives with her and even when we were dating, they were still living together and sleeping in the same bed. But not too long after their break-up, she decided to go back home on a vacation for about 1-2 weeks, which left him all alone at his place. He told me that he didn't like being alone in his place; it felt weird to him. I'd try my best to have dinner with him each night at his place, but there were couple times where I couldn't be there. During those times he would seem a bit to himself. When I asked him if something's wrong and that I'm here if he wanted to talk, he'd say he's fine and to not worry. During the time we were together, I didn't found out until later that he was still chatting everyday with his ex-gf and talking about very personal and detailed things, even about "our" relationship and the intimate things we've done. He told me that they are very close and they're open-minded people, so they tend to share these things to each other; it is normal to them. I told him I was uncomfortable with him telling her every little detail about us and he said he'll try not to do it again. There were a couple days where he would mention that he still has feelings for her and cares for her (but not in the way that I would ever understand) as they've known each other for a pretty long time and she's like a close friend to him, which prompted me to ask, "Do you still love her?" He said "yes, but a different love; it's hard to describe," which frustrated me as I'm not sure if he is totally over her yet. I told him that "I'm not forbidding you to see/talk to her, let alone live with her (he didn't want her to move out as living expenses elsewhere would be too expense for her which I understood and tolerated), but you need to have some time off after the break-up before you can be actual 'friends' again, because it's obvious that both of you aren't over each other yet." I said that I am willing to wait for him until he has gotten over her as I don't want to be the rebound. He thought it through and told me that he we should take a break from this whole gf/bf thing (which I agreed to). However, what I did not expect was the following, "I just want to let you know that there is a possibility that I will be getting back with her in the near future." He went back to the state she was staying at and got back with her a couple days after our break-up. I was pretty devasted, angered, and saddened for days. I ignored him for a week, but I couldn't control myself from ignoring him as he felt guilty for breaking my heart. I went online after a week and chatted with him. From then on, we have been chatting almost everyday (from morning until night - - at work and home) until today. Not only do we chat everyday, after our break-up, we continued to see each other in person at night and were still intimate with each other as if we were still together. (By the way, his gf is absolutely okay with us being intimate with each other as they are in an open relationship which I didn't quite understand and couldn't accept until a bit later. He tells his gf everything after being intimate with me and she's quite fine with it and actually wants to invite me over or hang out together. i don't quite understand how she can tolerate all of this. doesn't she get jealous or angered at all?) There were many times where I came to a brief realization that what is the point of this? Why am I wasting my time? So, I would ignore him for a couple days, only to see myself few days later logging back on to talk to him again; I've repeat this process a few weeks later, which he would question why I've ignored him again. I guess it's all self-discipline and will-power, which I lack when it comes to break-ups.
I don't know what to do. I am tempted to ignore him again, so that I can start my healing process. But keep in mind, we have been talking almost everyday for the past 9 months and we also work for the same company. I'm not sure what to do at this moment and would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this complicated mess I got myself into.
Naomi:
I am sorry it took me so long to get back with you. I have been so very busy. I read your letter a few times. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am going to be very honest with you about what I think. First, you should have never started anything with this guy because he was all ready unavailable. My advice to you is to leave him alone and don't communicate with him unless is job related and keep it strictly professional. You missed alot of red flags because you were following you heart and not your head. When you asked him if he was still in love with her, and he told you yes, but its hard to describe you should have told him good bye then. I don't know why you would tell him you will wait for him to get over her. Don't you think your time is valuable? You seem to be willing to put up with anything which is really sad. People will treat you exactly how you let them treat you. He is not doing anything to you that you don't allow him to do. Your needs and wants are just as important as his. Put yourself first because if you don't care about you no one else will. Practice some self control and let this go.
hi jtboswell, is it still possible to have some feeling for her even though i have dont want to be with her and trying to get over her. I tried telling my self that everything with her is over, even our friendship but its kind reminding me of the times we had together. Its like SHE IS THE LAST PERSON I WANTED TO SEE AGAIN ever AND SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON I EVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN..... i seriously cant get over her even after 3.5 months. And how can i forgive everyone, when according to me i dont want to. Its just killing me inside pretending to my parents that nothing had happened and how much i miss her and i wont ever be able to be with her again. Aaahhh. I know time will help me. I know i am young but she was my 1st love and maybe the only one. She was perfect in everything and the person that i wanted to be with. How can i forget that. Is it possible to just forget everything.
How long is the normal healing process? a month 2 or 3?thanks
D: I am sorry it took so long for me to get back with you. Yes, it is still possible to have feelings for your ex. It is normal for you to remember good times and even the trying times. It is all part of healing. Its not easy to let go someone you love. But you have to be strong and remember how you got here in the first place. You relationship was not as good as it should of been and it was time for you to move on. Even though you have fond memories of her you have to keep in mind that she is married and its over. Your going to reminisce in your mind sometimes and your feelings will go up and down. Just don't step back. Move forward. If I were you, I would try to find some new hobbies, or friends, to keep mind off of her. If you still have contact with her, you need to sever your ties until you feel confortable with what has take place. As for your parents, well its time to forgive. Whatever you think they have done, they probably where doing what they thought was best for you. I truly feel that their heart was in the right place. Besides forgiveness is part of the healing process. You have to let go of that " I will never forgive them" attitude. Its unforgiveness is truly a dead weight and it will drown in your own lake of misery. You never forgive people for them anyway, you do it for yourself, so you can heal D. No, I don't think people truly forget anything, they just accept the wrong that they feel has happened and move on from it. When your forgive and let that wrong you felt was done becomes a distant memory, but a memory nonetheless. It just doesn't hurt as much because you decided to let it go. Time is to precious to hold on to baggage that keeps you grief stricken and upset. D, it the mature thing to do. Besides, if something happen to your parents, and you were still harboring the ill feelings, you will feel the worse pain that you ever felt. D, I said this so many times to other readers, you have to do let it go and be strong. It will get better.....................Take care......
Toni: The healing process various from person to person. There is no set time. It all depends on how you decide to deal with the whatever your trying to move on from. But you have to go through each step that I have written above. It really and truly is a process. If a person is still in denial, it will take them longer to accept and longer to move on. If a peson can not accept and be accountable for what they contributed to the relationship's demise, then they will have a problem moving on as well. And that person is doomed to repeat what they have not learned. If you don't give yourself time to face all what has taken place, you won't heal from the pain because time is essential to any healing process. Whatever you going through just remember these key elements:
*Accept its over: Denial is a delay for you healing
*Forgive your ex and yourself: Both of you probably did something that was questionable and wrong. No one is ever really innocent.
*Be accountable for what you contribited to the end of your relation: Take responsibility. Be mature about your contribution to the end of your relationship. Learn where you made your mistakes
*And just take time to heal:
Don't mope to long and don't be ready to jump into something else too soon. Eventually, you will have to get up and live your life......
No one said it would be easy but in time its get better day by day...
Take care..........................
I've only been with my guy for four months but we have know each other for almost a year. We kept in touch, texted and talked for two months before we got together. We had everything in common, loved each other's company, had tons of fun together but he let me go though it was hard for him via phone because he was worried about me, day before yesterday. He called for another reason, but I was confused for two weeks so I pulled this info out of him. He has been confused too. I've dated quite a bit in my past and have taken more than a year off to focus on work and school and also to be single so I can take some time off from love and relationship because I needed it (hurts too much in general). He is in my graduate program and since last year,he has liked me and found ways to talk to me after class. I knew he liked me but I was scared to date again. Fast forward, 6 months later of keeping in touching and eventually dating each other. I knew he was dating others and wasn't ready for committment. we had the talk. I didn't like it and almost broke things off few months ago but I liked him so much. We were still texting like nothing happened but he broke the news monday night that he wasn't sure if there was a future. I saw him two weeks ago and everything was well. I'm so confused, I am heart broken and I feel like I can't move on. I can't eat, sleep, focus on my studies and I see him in class in two weeks and everything reminds me of him and it hurts so much. I've talked to family and close friends and turned to them for support and they all know about him from the beginning of me dating him, and has said that he is confused, not ready to settle down and does not know what he wants yet. I fell in love with him and I feel like I cannot move on. I can if I didn't have class with him every month. We were inseperable. He met a girl two weeks ago via a friend and he thinks there is potential. It hurts so much. But I cannot get too mad because we were not exclusive but the suddeness of the calling off of the dating relationship is something that is killing me now. Both his parents and my parents knew about each other too. School weekends I am usually at his place the long weekend. The memories are yes memories only but how can I move on???? I haven't slept in days, can't stop crying. He emailed me last night saying that he thinks it's unfortunate that I keep thinking that he didn't have feelings for me, he took the breaking off lightly which he didn't but I was so hurt that I said things as I was crying so much and couldnt think. He apologized for putting me through so much pain the last several months and all he wanted to do was bring me happiness. He has said and he has proved that he cares deeply for me. He is grateful that after many years of closing my heart, he was the first one that I re-opened to again. He cares about me very much, my feelings are important to him and he has took care of me and tried his best to protect my feelings as he is afraid to hurt me because he moves slow and mentally moves slow too (falling in love and etc). He has had a bad past, no solid relationship background and he himself told me that he is not experienced in this category in terms of foundation for sure. I miss him so much. But why the sudden breaking off? It's not like I was his gf and he found something better and broke up with me. We were allowed to openly date and he wanted to move slow to see where we will head. I asked him last night, he is not ready to settle down, marry, not looking for a wife but eventually he will be.
Please, please give me some help on this. It hurts so much. The feelings between us and he said his feelings for me were very genuine and sincere. It hurts so much because this is the first guy that treated me right. I don't have good karma with men in my past hence the reason I prefer to stay single and focus on my second graduate educ and career. He says that he feels the same way about me like when we first started dating and he thinks it's a bad thing. Therefore he broke it off. I cannot comprehend it as if feelings are lost, that is a reason to let someone go. I'm so hurt, confused, can't think straight and need some input. He is a very good hearted guy who treated me well.
Please, is there anything I can do? Yes, nothing. I know I need to move forward. Family and friends notice that I was a happier person when I went out with him and all said early on that I had a very good guy on my hands. They are all saying, that he may come back when he realizes that he had something special. I'm not counting on that as I am not vain and have hope at this time.
I need help. I can't stop crying, I can't eat, I've shut down all five of my sites. Networking sites such as myspace, facebook, friendster. He is on there. Looking at his pictures, I completely break down. Starting from last night, I am breaking all contact with him because that is my way to move on. He doesn't know this new girl except for two weeks. but yet he let me go? Is his reason reasonable for letting me go? He's very clingy and wants to see me alot, up until our spat day before yesterday . I will check this site periodically and hope I will get some opinions from some on this site.
I feel very devastated and I don't know how I'll be able to move on as I will see him in class and when I don't, I'll be fine, when I do, my wounds will re-open.
help!
Angela: I always tell my friends not to date coworkers, classmates, people that live in the same building, and their supervisors. Because if you break up, you have to constantly see them and it tears you up inside. Its not going to be easy for you because he is your classmate. Since you are a college student, why don't you see if you can change classes. That may make it a little easier. If you don't think you can move on you won't move on. First you need to accept this. I don't think you have accept that this is over. I say that because from what you write it doesn't sound as though your done with it all. And you have to be done. Because he is. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and you still are talking to him. Tell yourself that its over. If you have to repeat it to yourself a 100 times you need to. I know it hurts like hell. It isn't suppose to feel good or be easy. You have to get in the right mind set that this relation is over. You will cry, scream and probably throw a few things. That's all to be expected.(Don't break anything that you may regret later breaking). Of course you are going to get upset when you look at his pictures on the internet. You are re openning your own wounds. Looking at his pictures isn't healthy for you right now so don't. Don't do that to yourself. Put all his things in a box and give it back to him and don't keep any of them. Erase his pictures off your Facebook and Myspace and any other place you have one. Don't browse though his Facebook or Myspace or where ever his pictures are on the internet either. It very unhealthy for you to keep traveling down memory lane right after a break up. Because that is what you do when to look at his pictures. For one it drives you to tears and it defeats the purpose of what you are trying to do, which is let go. It already going to be hard because you are in the same class or classes. You going to have to top talking to him and seeing him if you want to get over this. Don't look his way in class. Focus on something else. At this point whomever he sees is it not your concern. Please don't focus on his new interest. It's really not important. Angela, people don't have to give you a reason why they don't want to be with you. We just hope they do and most of the time to the heartbroken one who is getting let go, there is never a good enough reason that will satisfy them anyway. I wouldn't see him again even if he begged you but all of this is your call. If he broke up with why does he still want to see you a lot? Ask yourself that. It may be that he enjoys sex with you. It could be something else. Maybe he genuinely wants to be freinds with you. Did you tell him how it hurts that you and he are not together? Don't assume he knows or gets anything. If you have not told him how this is effecting you, he may think you and he can be freinds and this may not be a big thing. If you have told him, he doesn't seem to respect your space and that you are devistated by ending of the relationship. In my opinion, and I don't say this to hurt you but I don't think he is confused or clingy at all. I think he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Clingy people do not break up with you they hold on for dear life. Be honest with yourself and him. If you have not told him and if he will listentell him that the break up hurt you and you are not ready to be friends. If he is a nice guy he will back off you. If he doesn't want to hear it then you already have your answer. He doesn't care and isn't interested in what you have to say. Don't set yourself be used and decieved. This person doesn't sound to be clingy at all. I think you may be misinterpeting his actions and words. You need to take care of yourself and your heart because it is fragile right now . Moving on can be difficult but don't make it more difficult than it has to be. I know you are hurting but you have to be smart about what you do. He has said to you he is not ready to settle down. He has found another person he is interested in. There nothing to do but to let go. When a person doesn't want to let go or accept something is done they usually try to hold on. They want to be friends with the person and think they can carry on like everythings ok when its not. Ending of a relationship is just what it means The End. Just like that of a great movie. Once you healed yes, maybe you can be friends. You may wonder what you saw in him a year or two from right now. Take it one day at a time. Take care
Wow I should have read this a long time ago, I have certainly spent almost a month crying and missing my ex. While I still love him it is time for me to accept that the relationship is over and I need to move on. THank you!
Singleinaustin26: I am glad you enjoyed the article. Thanks for stopping by..
Wow. This hub is a regular "Miss Lonelyhearts" column! You offer some really solid and reasonable suggestions. When you're deep in that ache/pain of loss, it's really hard to think logically. But as you point out, it's really important to allow yourself time to grieve.
So many people (I've done this more times than I care to admit) are rebounders. They don't want to feel the pain of rejection so jump right into another relationship. Not healthy, nor is it really fair to the other person!
Mighty Mom: Thank you for the comment. I have already been through the whole process of moving on. It is hard to move on and it is important to allow yourself time to grieve. The truth is most people are not ready to accept the demise of a relationship. They look for answers that they sometimes already have. Some just don't want to face the reality of the end of their relationship. Thanks for stopping by...
Thank you so much for responding back. it's been exactly a week ago since the split. I've cried my eyes out this past week. I have cut all contact with him too. I have tried to not look at his pictures on the internet and will probably shut my site down soon. I sent him a letter the following day letting him know how I felt, the hurt, the bad parts, the good, feelings, everything and he responded right away that he was sorry for hurting me but that he was just not ready to settle down to get married or of that sort. He is just dating around right now. He respects my space and has not asked to see me. Clarification as I think I may have confused you, he didn't ask to see me after we broke up. I'm coming to terms with the breaking up and accepting that I have to move on. Yes, the class part will be hard as this is a professional program and you are in the same program for two years so I am stuck. The being confused and complicated wasn't my interpretation but what he told me when we brokeup last week. I pray this pain goes away soon as it is eating me alive. I'm definitely not into being friends with him as I usually make a clean break with all my ex's or guys I have dated in my past. I just hope that I was not played in this dating relationship. Thank you again.
jtboswell,
I forgot to ask. Is this normal in a dating relationship? For a person to fall this quickly and for someone that is not looking for a relationship, is this also normal that they date around? I'm not thinking too clearly right now so please excuse my dumb questions. I hope the next time when I visit this site after I have healed is to update with (hopefully) good news. thank you again for taking time ouf of your busy day to respond to my question. I was hysterical but of course he didn't know (in my own privacy) right after the breakup and this past week, but am slowly calming down. I will have to find a way to get over this breakup...I will survive.....
Angela: Is it normal for him to date around? Yes and no. In my opinion, it hard to believe he cared the way you said if he can just date someone so quickly. Perhaps this is his way of just moving on and forgetting. But don't concern yourself with his actions because he is no longer important as you are. I am glad to see you are doing better and none of your questions were stupid. You are just trying to find closure and that's ok. Don't try understand his actions because chances are you won't. Take care of Angela right now. Take some time for yourself. Go to the spa and pamper yourself with your girlfriends and try not to think about him. I am glad you are letting go of this. Its great to hear. You have a beautiful spirit don't let this stamp it out. Acceptance is the start and soon all of this will get better I promise you. Put away his pictures for now so you won't go back down memory lane. Angela, just take it one day at a time.....Take care ok... You can do this.... I know you will survive!!!
It's been 2 months since he left me and I'm still a huge mess. I still cry everyday and feel a lot of pain. I thought he was the love of my life.
However, I have been doing a lot of the things you're supposed to...taking walks, being with friends and family, going to therapy, support groups, trying a new hobby, volunteering, trying to meet new people with the same interests, going to new places, etc. These things definitely help, but I'm still hurting very badly on this journey...
My questions are these: How long will I suffer like this? I know everyone has their own process of healing and we can't put a time limit on it, but ideally when should I start feeling better? Also, I have a lot of guilt from my mistakes in the relationship...I blame myself for him leaving me and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. How exactly do I forgive myself? I really hate myself for messing up my life.
Thank you so much. It helps to know that I'm not alone!
My exboyfriend broke up with me. A week before he broke up with me he told me how much he loved me, our relationship was perfect nothing he would change, and we talked about our future. He said he got scared and ran. He says that he is in love with me and misses me but that he is scared to move forward with our relationship (we dated two years). I was not pressuring him, he admits that he was pressuring himself and said that it is MO to run. Well one week after breaking up with me he started seeing someone else. He told me while he likes her, she is a distraction so that he doesn't have to think about us. We were always together at his house, so he says he is at her house because being home makes him think of me. I think he is full of it. I asked him to not see her and not get back with me but to be alone and work on his fears. He said he knows he need to do that but he can't right now he is scared. He said that he told her that he could leave at anytime and she accepts this, he also admitted that he did not tell her he is still in love with me. The last time I saw him he wanted to be intimate but resisted and then right over to her house and slept with her. This is tearing me apart because I know he is sleeping with her and doing and going all the places we use to go. I don't understand how he can love me and be with someone else. It is tearing me apart. I have chosen not to speak with him anymore and told him that until he is willing to work on his issue of running that I would never be with him because there is no security in our relationship. Now I can't stop thinking about the fact that he will never come back to me or worse he will remain with her. I thought we were soulmates and would be together forever. I want the future we talked about and I just so heart broken. I have lost 40 pounds in two months and I so stressed out. He said that he knows he did not do right by us or me and the he is doing what makes him feel comfortable running.
Please help. I so tired of crying
jtboswell
right now, im very depressed knowing that i broke my relationship with my boyfried last july 22, 09. we went a lot in our relationship (knowing that my parents are against with this guy) all the probs, trials and i may say its very tough in dealing with it. SO, im on the process of moving on, trying to live my life normal, but its very hard to wake up in the morning, thinking he's gone, we are no longer together.. (the cause of our break up is he is not willing to cooperate with me, for the last 1 year, i am the one who decides in everything that regards to our relationship and i am very tired, financially also i have the most effort, both of us has job, maybe our level of maturity matters a lot he's 22 and i am 24... pls give me some tips to overcome my depression.. thanks
jtboswell, You made a comment in an earlier post about "turning your love for someone off like a faucet". Well, that's exactly what happened to me. Me and my gf broke up 2 months ago, and for the first month after the break, we were basically still dating, still seeing eachother, still sleeping together, still texting and sending pictures, still telling eachother we loved eachother. The intention was for it to be a temporary seperation. But overnight, she simply stopped all contact. And when I finally tracked her down, I managed to drag out of her that she was now suddenly dating one of my friends (not a friend anymore)! She said she no longer loved me and that she was happy with her new man. We were together for 3 years and had a deep intimate love for eachother. We had plans for the future. Even names picked out for future children! Neither of us were perfect in the relationship, but we both loved and cared for eachother with all of our heart. I am so devistated that I just don't know what to do with myself. I just can't understand how she could simply turn off the switch overnight and be perfectly happy with someone else. Now I have to wallow in what seems like and endless hopeless misery while she and her new man (who both live in the same town as me) are basking in the bliss of a brand new relationship. I'm trying to avoid all contact with her, but she continues to text me every few days to find out "how I'm doing" even after I asked her not to contact me. I don't understand why she wants to know how I'm doing when she no longer loves me. I'm trying also to eat healthy and excercise and take all the proper healing steps, but I still cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. She's all I ever think about. And I know she loved me. I saw it in her eyes and I felt it deep into my soul. But she somehow managed just to simply discard it like nothing. I guess I will never understand how in human nature that could even be possible. This is a good post though. I have read many others like it in an attempt to try and find hope. Thank you.
So I guess I wanted to share my story...
I went out with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I thought we had the perfect relationship. He always told me how much he loved me, how beautiful and special I am. He would always say that we would be together forever and that he would never break up with me.
We got along great, but I always thought he wanted to hang out with his friends too much for being in his mid 30s. I didn't think there was any reason he should want to drink with them several nights a week, so that was probably my biggest worry. Also, he had some other physical issues in the bedroom but I was really understanding about that and he always said it wasn't me.
About a month before we broke up, he told me that he used to have a bad gambling problem because he was unhappy but that he's over it now. It worried me, but I loved him so much that I guess I just overlooked it.
Then, a month later, he tells me he's sorry but he just doesn't love me. He said he thought he did but he realized over the past few weeks that he doesn't. He said he wants to be friends even though he knows that may take a long time. He cried when we broke up and said I was his best girlfriend and that I made him happy but he just didn't love me.
Now, a couple months later, I still can't get over this. I keep asking myself what I did wrong and I'm just completely devastated. I don't understand what happened, why if I make him happy and am the best girlfriend he's had, he would break up with me so suddenly. I had met his family a week before he broke up with me. Why in the earth would he even want me to meet them if he was just going to break up with me. We had talked about going on vacation next year, about spending Christmas together. It's just so weird. I think he has major committment issues, but I just don't know. It's confusing and it's killing me.
For Hurting: I am very sorry I didn't respond back quickly to you. I have been so very busy. So please forgive me. I read what you wrote and it must be very painful and confusing for someone to tell you they love you and then break up with you. Unfortunately, I don't have any magical words to say that will make you feel better. It will take time to get over what you are going through. I feel that what your ex did was very hurtful but it seems he did what he thought was right for him. Now you have to do what is right and best for you. I don't believe your dealings with him are quite finished. And I am afraid you will be pulled back into your ex's confusion. Love can sometimes be excruicating and heart wrenching. But its is a price we sometimes pay for openning our hearts. If your ex is afraid of a relationship with you he did the right thing in breaking it off. I think he maybe have been torn over you and the other girl all along. It seems that he has decided to be with her. I don't believe this person was totally honest with you. If someone cares for you they don't just start seeing other people. They stay with you and work out what is going on with them. If something doesn't make sense to you its probably because is nonsense. Stop letting this man take your emotions on a rollercoaster ride. Don't you think you deserve better than that. Look at his actions and not his words. He say he loves you but does his actions reflect any of this? You lost 40 lbs stressing over someone that you cannot change. Don't let yourself waste away on this person. If he doesn't know what he wants that's his problem. You need to find out what you want.Because you are just a important as he is so don't make him anymore than he already is. Let him run.. Maybe he will slow down and find out he missed out on you later. It makes no sense to chase after someone that just wants to keep running. I don't think he is being honest with you. But you need to let this go. Love doesn't run away, it isn't confusing either. You have to stop letting your heart do your thinking for you. Moving on his hard and I think you will be fine if you stay the course and take care of you first. You were right when you said he is full of it. So don't let whatever it is spill over on you. I want you to take care of yourself and enjoy life because there so many wonders to see. Learn from this experience and move forward. You will cry and be down for a little bit. That's a given when love is lost. But don't stay down too long. If you give yourself time to heal, I think you will see things differently as time goes on. Keep you light shining bright............Jtboswell
Kay: I am sorry for taking so long to respond to you. I think in every realtionship that is lost, we all wonder what we could of done to save it. But don't beat yourself up. Just realize that you made some mistakes. We all make mistakes. As long as you learn from your mistakes and take away something good from that experience you will be fine. A break up is never one person's fault. We usually see what is not there or ignore the warning signs of an approaching storm. You did what you thought was right for you at that time. Most people do that. As for how long will it take to for your suffering to end depends on you. Will you be able to forgive yourself for messing up your life? Your life may not be as messed up as you think it is. You just feel like that because this hurts very badly now. But your doing all the right things from what I read. Just have a little faith in yourself and learn to love yourself. You made mistakes and you will make many more of them. It justs feels like the end of the world. But you have so much more to see. You have your days that you can't bear to get out of bed. But they will soon become fewer and fewer. You don't need to beat yourself up. You may have missed some warning signs but who hasn't. I will some up your questions with two words. Time and patience. You need time to heal and to forgive yourself and patience so you don't rush the process. We all know break ups can't hurt the heart and tear you up inside. Your not alone. Give yourself time and the days will better and better. Take care Jtboswell
Mary Kay: I sorry that your hurting. Its hard and I know it can be painful at times. You will be depressed at times because your hurting. How I get over from being depressed is to find things to do with myself. You can find some things to do to get the ex off your mind like a new hobbie, go be with friends, or treat yourself to a day at the spa. You will have those days that will be tougher than others. Just take it one step at a time. Time will heal you if you let it. I know its cliche to say that but its true. You have loved and lost. If you cared for the ex, its going to feel heart wrenching at times. If you find yourself getting more drepressed, don't be afraid to get professional help. But just be patient with yourself. Your healing is not going to fast. But it will get better each day...
Riff: I am sorry that you are going through this experience. I wanted to mention this comment you made. You stated that you know she loves you that you could see it in her eyes. I don't think she loved you the way that you loved her. At least not anymore. In my opinion,people don't treat people they love like that. I don't think she turned off her love like a faucet. I am going to be honest. She may have stopped loving you long before you noticed it. People sometimes tell you that they are not interested anymore by their actions. I think you may have missed some of the signs. You stated that the two of you broke up and this was just a trial separation. And you still were acting like you were together. Maybe in her eyes, in my opinion, she was over you when she broke up with you two months ago. She just wasn't brave enough to tell you the truth. So she went through the motions until she got tired of doing it; which is totally unfair to you. I am not trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel worse than you already do. But to heal you have to face reality. When someone ends a relationship with someone they care about, they are honest enough to just tell them. And for some of us its hard to tell another person goodbye. Its hards for some people to let go even though they know in their hearts its over. Sometimes people say and do the wrong things like I beleive she did. I don't think she set out to hurt you. I think she just didn't know how to tell you. But eventually it probably just wore on her until she had to just ended it. Sometimes the other person just doesn't want to be in it anymore. As hurtful as it is, people do grow apart and they don't know how to deal with it. She did alot of things wrong and dating one of your friends is definitely one of them. But there is really nothing you can do but to face it. You feel like she discarded you like you meant nothing to her. And maybe you right about that. Stop looking for answers to a questions that really are no longer important. How and why she did what she did is not relevant anymore. People do stuff all the time that just don't make sense to us sometimes. That's just how it is. You are doing everything right by keeping in shape and exercising and all. But as I read your message, I kept thinking that your not ready to accept this yet. And you know, you could very well be right she may love you in some way that you can't comphrehend. But she did say she was done and that's the reality of it. There is light ahead of the tunnel. You just have to keep looking. Its hurts right now because you feel let down and betrayed. But what I would like for you to do is to learn from this experience and don't beat yourself up about it. Just be glad you had no children with this person. That would have made things even more painful for you. There is another woman out there waiting for you. And maybe someday you will wonder why you even wasted your time with the old one. Keep your spirits up.. JTboswell
For Elle 75 :Sorry I have been so busy and I couldn't get back to you as quicklly as I would have liked. But don't be confused. Its really not worth you trying to understand why he left. In my opinion, you ignored some major red flags about this guy. You mentioned he had a gamble problem and he was over it. Just to let you know no one just gets over a gambling problem so easily. Its like being an alcoholic. Gambling is a very serious problem and most people with this problem have to seek professional help. If he parties several times a week its not a good thing for a person of any age. To much of anything is bad. Its ok to go hang out on the weekends or once and a while. But when its excessive its a problem. So you maybe better off that he left you.I know it doesn't feel good right now but in time this will pass. We can never explain the behavior of others. So don't waste anymore time trying to figure him out. He may have realized that he had a lot of problems that he wanted to solve on his own. You never know. He may have thought this way was best. He may actually have cared for you and this is his way of handling things so you don't get hurt even more. You may never really know for sure. But don't sell yourself short. If you put your best foot forward and this guy didn't appreciate it; then its his loss. I know you want to make sense of this and have some closure. Honestly, finding out why he did what he did probably wouldn't satisfy you anyway. Avoid men with too much emotional baggage. Because he seems to have had a lot of things going on. Problematic and emotionally challeged people will only cause you more headache and heartache in the end. Just take it one day at a time and I am sure you will meet someone that will love and appreciate you for you. And it will be great and you will wonder where has that person been all your life. I wish you the best... Its gets better
I broke up with a guy because of distance, i was still making an effort but I felt he'd given up. He agreed the distance meant it wouldn't work out etc. Now that we have split up, he still calls me and even suggested we could still attend a wedding together and meet up when we are abroad ( I am on holidays and he us apparently working over there..coincidence).
I think this is making it difficult for me to move on, but though i was brave enough to end the relationship, I don't seem to have the gumtion to say that its not appropriate we meet up too soon/ attend wedding - even if we are to remain 'friends'.
He is acting all chilled out about it so I don't want to come across as some over zealous self righteous person, especially as we have hometown connections and mutual friends from home.
I'd really appreciate your advice as I am not sure what to do ;-)
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months. I am about to go to Grad School in Cincinnati which is 10 hours away from where I went to Undergrad(where ex has 1 more semester). Our relationship was fine except for he wasn't always great at communicating. He felt like he couldn't put the energy into maintaining a long-distance relationship. He has nothing to offer me and he has no real direction after he graduates in December.
We both got super emotional when saying goodbye.
We met for coffee last week as a final goodbye since I am moving. The connection between us was still there and easy to talk with him and such. He admitted that he doesn't see himself in a relationship within the next year and doesn't want to date anyone else.
I don't want to date anyone else and feel like he was my soul mate. We made a pact to keep in touch and in 3 years once I am done with Grad School to have coffee and see if anything is there.
We both also admitted that the next people in our lives probably won't meet our parents or get to the point we got to.
Yet, I can't help but hope that he will wake up one day and realize he does want to fight or show up at my apartment in Cincinnati.
Do you think he was truthful in saying he doesn't really see himself dating or was that an act for me?
Was it a bad idea to make the pact or will it just fade away once we both are ready to move on?
How do I move on and not keep in the back of my mind waiting for him to wake up and fight?
hey been reading these articles and really impressed with somw of the asvice given, my girfriend and I broke up after a 3yr relationship 2 days ago. we were high school sweethearts, we used to be the type of couple that would experience everything that life had to offer, we did everything together, we did most of our "firsts" together aswell, i blame myself constantly for how our relation ended up. not trying to be a smartass or anything but i used to be the guy in school that every1 like, all the boys wanted to say they were friends with me and all the girls wanted to be seen with, so as usual i did what any guy in that situation would do....let ur pride come first..and by doing that i out my gf through torture for the first 1 and a half yrs of the relationship, the thing about my gf is that she loved me soooooo much, she did everything for me, she even got suspended from school for me back in the day.haha. i know...sad!! she gave our relatioship everyting and i gave nothing. i can still remember that day when it all switched around..thats the day she started giving me ship back, she started treating me badly. thats when i decided that i was going to change for her she i finally realised that i loved he more than anything on earth, and i did change, i was caring, respectfull, thoughfull, stopped getting into fights(with random ppl) which used to stress her out. buts that when i realised that it was too late, i pushed her way to far and she just jad so much anger in her and it was all my fault, it carried on like this for about 8 months of my giving everything i had and her just treating me like shit, he even broke up with me 3 times in that time fram, because she said she didnt feel the love anymore (which i know was my fault). and everytime i vowed not to take her back as it only hurt me more to hear,," i just dont think that this is working, i dont feel that i love u anymore, i dnt know why, its not you its me"" the worst part was that she broke me emotionally as i changed my ways for her and then she turned around and said that i wasnt a badboy like i used to , and the fact is that i cant be anymore, i grew out of that phase..im actually a nice guy now and not an idiot to every1. every time we broke up she cried her eyes out because she still cares about me...but 2 days she didnt even care when she said it thats what hurts a lot. its hard to think about the fact that she loved me soo much that ppl though she was obsessed with me..to this!!! to be honest im really very upset and have been depressed for ages now. i cant even give a real smile. nothing makes me happy anymore, im a guy who really loves cars and i really finished building a race car..who i dont even car about coz NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPY ANYMORE!!!!i need ant depressants i think.
i dnt know what to do im dead indide plz help!!!
My ex fiance and i broke up over a year ago, we were living together and engaged, we were together for 4 years, we broke up because we fought a lot. He was my first love and everything, we saw eachother off and on for 4 mo afterwards, one night he says to me that he was not ok, he missed me, he still loves me and wanted to give us another shot, then when i tried setting up dates with him he bailed on me, and got mad at me because he didnt understand why i was hurt, so he quit talking to me for 3 mo, then he saw me one night we talked then, it went well, then he quit talking to me again for 3 more months. Then he saw me this past April, he came over and we talked again, I had done a lot of changing, mentally, for the better, and he realized I had changed, and that i was finally moving on from him again, then he again said to me that he couldnt believe how much i have changed, and that he wasnt ok, and still loves me and really wants to try to make it work again, I was skeptical bc he did this before to me, which he acknowledged, and said he was sorry for and promised me he wouldnt do it again, that he was serious this time, so I let my guard down and belived him, he went out of town for 3 weeks, he said when he got back we could go on dates again, well after the 3 weeks almost a month i didnt hear anything from him, he never responded to any tests, msgs etc, come to find out, he got another girlfriend behind my back and didnt tell me, and now hes happy with her. Everytime i got over him he came into my life and ruined all my progress.. I will never know what happend and why he did that, when he sounded so sincere and serious, i dont know how you go from loving someone so much and wanted to give them another chance, then getting someone else so fast. what do i do, how do i make this pain go away. I dont understand what happend
Im dealing with a break up and Im not sure of what I should do. Im trying to hold on to what we have and the last 3 words he says to me every time we finish a conversation "i love you" but how can i be so stupid to want to hold on to someone who has just told me that my mind is telling me to get back with you but my heart is telling me to move on. i feel so stupid, i cry every night, i cant sleep, i cant eat, because I just wish that things would go back to normal. he says that he needs to more time to figure out whether he wants to be with more ornot but i feel like a puppet being played with. Its like i know the answer Im just waiting for him to be man enough to tell me. My friends can see me breaking down everyday and a dear friend came up to me today and said that Im getting wordse. I feel that times are going to get worse for me before they getting better, Im just going to need time. I love him and always will I just hope that one day he realizes before its to late.
Recently i met a guy by chance, that's how i call it. He's working as a sales agent in the call center from one of the airlines company. Had to book a ticket for my boss and family and he helped me out to arrange evrything. He was very helpful and patient. We had 2 1/2 hours of long conversation just to get the booking done. He mailed me afterwards, wasnt expecting that. He said that, that was he's longest conversation ever in his career in the call center and he had a pleasure of speaking to me. I replied back and thanked him for his time and patience. I was not expecting any reply from him after that, but he replied back after 3 days and since then we constantly emailing each other, chatting everyday, calling up and texting each other. We felt like that we are soulmates as we have a lot of things in common and seems to know each other from the past life. We became so close so fast, so deep and the feeling was so nice. I know in my heart that from then on i dont want to lose him and was so scared to lose him coz i didnt feel anything like that before. Told him everything about my past and i was so happy coz he said i gave him so much honor telling him all about my past. We decided to meet up on my birthday after a month of chatting, calling and texting. When we met, we felt that there's really a connection between us, the friendship became a relationship. Made promises to each other that no matter what happens we will be there for each other. After a week of meeting up, we didnt speak for 2 days, its very unusual for me, i missed him so much and at the same time was so scared that he might have a change of heart already, thinking that my fear has come. Tried calling him but we werent able to speak coz hes cellphone was having a problem. I texted him saying that "sorry to disturb you, just want to know if your ok". I was so hurt and scared at the same time. Thinking that i lost him already, i sent him an email saying that i believed in his promises...to good to be true but still i believed but i guess im wrong..told him how he changed my life and how he made me so happy and that still thanking God he gave him to me. After sending the mail, i received a text message from him saying that he was busy and doing an evening shift and hoping that i was ok. The next day we were chatting again and asked him if were still ok, he said yes and he said that when he told me he loved me he meant it and was about to type a reply for the email that i sent him. So i assume that he read my email already and then the conversation was normal. We chatted in the evening again and we were ok until all of a sudden he told me that to just remain friends coz he didnt like the email that i sent him. And he said that i dont see him as a relationship but a friendship. I tried explaining to him, that i was just scared and thought i lost him that's why i sent him the email and that i didnt have any intention of hurting him. I asked him to give it a second chance but he said whats done is done. He didnt listen to any of my explanation. I did everything i could just to win him back but he told me that its not going to work out for both of us and he thought that i was different from other girls but im pretty much the same. He also said that he just dont want to get hurt again. (He had a past relationship 2 1/2 years back, the girl left him and it was too painful for him). He also said that i dont have space in his heart anymore after what i sent him. Until now the pain is unbearable. It hurts a lot and i want him back. Everything happened so fast but I love him so much. Part of me wants to blame myself for what happened, that if i didnt send that email to him maybe im still happy, but part of me saying that if he really loves me he will prove to me that whatever i said in my email was wrong and that he will prove to me that he really cares for me. But he didnt do anything to prove it to me and just said goodbye. Maybe he just didnt love me at all but im still hoping that he would come back even if i know that its impossible coz he already rejected me. It happened all so fast but its like the pain will remain with me forever.
Just want to share with you guys what i am going through now.
my ex broke up with me last month(september)with a lame excuse that he is confused about his feelings with his ex wife & his kids which are from other country but i know he is cheating on me because all the signs are already there like he keeps hiding his phone,he will not answer any calls or if not he will turn off his phone if he is with me, he is always infront of the computer, he keeps checking on my schedule eventhough he already knows my schedule(i have a regular schedule), if you call him on his phone he will not answer my call because he is with the other girlfriend but if you ask his friends to call him he will answer their call in just one ring,he comes home late most of the time recently & keeps telling me he helped his friend with some computer problem & until he runs out of excuses,he goes to the party with his "female" friends most of the time without my knowledge & telling his friends that im at work thats why i couldnt make it but actually he didnt tell me anything about the party/inviattion.
one day i was ironing his clothes to go to church & found a different phone hiding under the bed & i am so curious about it & read all their text messages(escapades) so i talked to him about this situation & i let it slide because i was hoping he'd change, & told him how much it upset me because i love him so much & hoping he will change & forget everything & start all over again, then after few months same thing happened again,let it slide again,start all over again,same things happened over & over again.
One day i felt him withdrawing, i asked him & he said he just had a lot of things going on in his mind, but didnt really want to talk about it, i told him i will always be there for him if he needed me.though i already have this feeling that he will dump me inspite of everything i did for him, small or big favors,for him & his friends.I found out one day that he is telling his friends nasty things/bad things about me that are not true & i know that these are just his defense mechanism to cover his infidelity issues to his friends because he is not telling his friends real things that are going on in our relationship.& his friends believed him whatever he told them,his friends didnt even ask me if all his stories are true or what is going on with us & they told me that they dont even know we have the relationship(very lame excuse-obviously we have the relationship because we are living together,we are always together)& i believed that they know about his infidelity & that it is fine with them though they know i will be emotionally hurt about it.If they are really nice friends they will give me a heads up about it but they did not do that. I cried for the whole week after the break up to the point that i shed 10 lbs in just 4 days(i know it is not healthy for me),i came to a point that i want to end my life because i dont know how to deal with it but what i did was just pray every single time my relationship cross my mind. i know i have all the reason to get mad at him but i am still dealing things in a very polite way though he is not, i'm done with crying but i know deep in my heart i am still very,very hurt since i loved him so much for 2&1/2 years & he just walked away still trying to convince me until the last moment that he never cheated on me & that his friends doesnt know anything about the other girlfriends(yes its plural) even i already caught them not only on the phone. i go to the gym,talk to friends,& go out with friends but there are times that i still remember him & i cant help but feel sorry for myself & knowing that they are happy together everyday makes me feel very sad & bad.I dont go the the places we used to go to,dont eat food he loves to eat,dont do things he loves to do during weekend,dont talk to his friends,etc just to forget him but still sometimes i cant help myself & just see myself crying again.i just dont know what to do. Am i doing the right thing here?
kristine says:
11 months ago
this help me a lot.. am deeply hurt right now. my partner left me for unreasonable reason..