Give feedback on my original screenplay! Part 2

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EXT. HOTEL -- DAY

Mandy sits in her car in front of a seedy hotel. She stares through the windshield at the row of numbered doors. A tear rolls down her cheek. She reaches into the glove box and pulls out one of her baggies of cocaine and sniffs from it.

She gets out of the car and heads for one of the doors, she knocks.

INT. HOTEL ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Mandy follows a man, TRICK1, into the hotel room. He points to the dresser where a wad of money lies. She nods and begins to disrobe.

INT. PRISON: CELL -- EVENING

Jared lies in his cell reading a book. A CORRECTIONS OFFICER, walks by.

CORRECTIONS OFFICER1

Lights out.

EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL -- AFTERNOON

Luke is in an ice cream truck parked outside an elementary school. He hands a little girl a frozen treat through the window on the side of the truck. She thanks him and skips off.

He turns back into the truck where MAC, mid 20's, stands waiting. Mac wears a white "wife-beater" tanktop and hat turned slightly askew on his head, the tag still attached to it. The back door of the truck is open.

LUKE

So how'd we do this week?

MAC

The usual, no unsatisfied customers from what I hear. Louie was telling me...

LUKE

I don't want any details, just that you have my money.

A little boy, LITTLE BOY1, 6, comes to the back of the truck.

LITTLE BOY1

Hello?

They don't hear him.

MAC

Yeah, here.

He hands him a brown bag full of cash. Luke looks it over.

LITTLE BOY1

Hello? I'd like some ice cream.

MAC

(to little boy)

Scram, we're doing business.

LUKE

(to little boy)

Just a second, buddy.

(to Mac)

Relax.

Luke opens a cooler and pulls out two of the containers from earlier. He puts them on the floor.

LITTLE BOY1

How much longer?

MAC

(to little boy)

I said get out of here you little shit!

The little boy starts crying.

LUKE

What the fuck is wrong with you?

MAC

What?

LUKE

(to little boy)

Don't listen to him, hang on a second.

(to Mac)

He's a little kid, take your shit and get out here.

Mac picks up the containers.

MAC

Whatever, man. I'll see you next week, make sure you keep this shit coming!

Mac leaves. Luke steps down to the little boy. He puts a hand on his shoulder.

LUKE

You ok?

LITTLE BOY1

He's mean.

LUKE

I know, let's get you some ice cream.

Luke looks around, doesn't see anyone watching.

LUKE (CONT'D)

This one is on the house...

LITTLE BOY1

What does that mean?

Luke smiles, leads the boy inside. He closes the door.

INT. PRISON: CELL -- DAY

Jared stands at the entrance to his cell waiting. A corrections officer passes by and Jared looks at him expectantly. The CO shakes his head and keeps walking.

JARED

Hey man, hang on.

CORRECTIONS OFFICER2

What?

JARED

What gives?

CORRECTIONS OFFICER2

(shrugs)

Not today.

The CO keeps moving. Jared turns back into the cell, looks confused.

EXT. PRISON: PARKING LOT

Mandy sits in her car looking at the prison.

MANDY

(mumbling)

Why would he want a coke addicted whore?

She turns the car on and leaves.

INT. PRISON -- LATER

Jared stands at a payphone with the phone at his ear. He waits. The ring of the phone can be heard.

INT. HOTEL ROOM2

Another shady hotel room. Mandy pays a visit to another TRICK2.

Her phone rings, she looks at it, then ignores it.

TRICK2

Need to take that?

MANDY

No.

She does a line of coke off the hotel nightstand, he smiles at her. Her eyes are dead.

INT. PRISON

Jared is concerned, frustrated.

JARED

(into phone)

Hey Mandy, missed you today, just making sure everything is ok.

(beat)

Well, I guess I'll see you next time.

He hangs up the phone.

MONTAGE:

During the montage phone calls can be heard being placed off screen. The pace of the scenes increase as they progress.

INT. PRISON: CELL -- DAY

Jared paces his cell waiting.

A dialtone can be heard.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Mandy turns another trick with Trick1. She snorts more coke.

A phone number is dialed.

INT. PRISON

Jared on the phone.

Ring.

INT. LUKE'S HOUSE

Mandy gets more coke from Luke.

Ring.

INT. PRISON

Jared waits at the phone.

Ring.

INT. PRISON: CELL

Jared paces as a guard passes, shakes his head.

Voicemail picks up.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Mandy turns another trick.

MANDY (O.S.)

(filtered)

Hey I'm not around, leave a message and maybe I'll call back.

INT. PRISON

Jared dials.

Ring.

INT. MANDY'S APARTMENT

Mandy snorts a line of coke.

MANDY (O.S.)

(filtered)

Hey I'm not-

INT. PRISON

Jared hangs up the phone.

INT. PRISON: CELL

Another day, another guard passes and Jared grows frustrated.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Mandy turns another trick, she lies lifeless allowing the trick to have his way.

INT. MANDY'S APARTMENT

Mandy does another line, a tear running down her cheek.

MANDY (O.S.)

(filtered)

Hey I'm-

INT. PRISON

Jared hangs up the phone harder.

INT. PRISON: CELL

Jared slams his fist on the bars as a guard passes, the guard turns sharply and Jared puts his hands up, "my bad."

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Mandy puts her clothes back on.

MANDY (O.S.)

(filtered)

Hey-

INT. PRISON

Jared slams the phone on the receiver multiple times. He gains a guard's attention.

INT. PRISON: CELL

Jared has stopped pacing, he leans on the bars with his back to the outside. A guard passes by and he doesn't even noticed.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Mandy takes money off a dresser and leaves.

INT. MANDY'S APARTMENT

Mandy taps out some coke on a table.

MANDY (O.S.)

(filtered)

Hey I'm not around, leave a message and maybe I'll call back.

INT. PRISON

Jared stands with the phone to his ear, leaning his head against the wall.

JARED

(into phone)

Mandy, it's Jared...

INT. MANDY'S APARTMENT

Mandy is in bed. Her phone rings, but she doesn't answer, instead, she pushes the ignore button.

JARED (V.O.)

I've been calling you for months. I don't know what happened.

INT. PRISON

Jared closes his eyes as he leaves his message.

JARED

(into phone)

I don't know where you've been, but I'll be out tomorrow.

He takes a breath. Releases heavily.

INT. MANDY'S APARTMENT

Mandy is staring at her phone, a voicemail comes across. She pushes a button and puts the phone to her ear.

JARED (V.O.)

I hope to see you.

INT. PRISON

Jared puts the phone at his chest for a moment.

JARED

(softly)

Damn it, where are you?

INT. MANDY'S APARTMENT

A tear rolls down Mandy's cheek as she listens to the message.

JARED (V.O.)

I miss you.

INT. PRISON

Jared looks at the phone, thinks, then slowly begins to put it on the hook. He pauses, then slowly hangs up.

END MONTAGE

EXT. LUKE'S HOUSE -- NIGHT

Mandy stands outside Luke's door, knocking. When he doesn't answer right away, she begins pounding.

MANDY

Luke! Open up, Luke!

Luke opens the door.

LUKE

What is it? What's wrong?

She pushes through the door, frantic. He follows her inside.

MANDY

Do you have anything I can take to make me sleep? Anything? Please!

She goes into his kitchen and starts looking in cabinets.

LUKE

Stop!

She stops and looks at him.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Just sit down, I've got something for you.

She sits at the dining room table, she shakes nervously. Luke steps into the kitchen and opens a drawer full of prescription medication. He moves a few of them around, looking at the labels. He picks one and moves to Mandy's side.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Here, take a few of these and you'll be out.

She looks at the bottle.

MANDY

Who's Barbara Cordes?

Luke laughs.

LUKE

I like to go to open houses...

Mandy looks at him blankly.

LUKE (CONT'D)

You know, real estate open houses?

She nods.

LUKE (CONT'D)

Anyway, I go to these open houses and steal things. Prescriptions, knick-knacks, small things.

MANDY

Why?

LUKE

I don't know, the rush, it takes me back, I still shoplift every once in awhile, like back in the day. Just like JJ-

Mandy looks away when he says "JJ."

LUKE (CONT'D)

Sorry...

MANDY

It's ok...

LUKE

He's getting out soon isn't he.

She shrugs.

LUKE (CONT'D)

You want to stay here tonight?

She stands.

MANDY

No, I need to get going. Thanks for the pills.

She runs out of the house. Luke watches her leave, shakes his head.

INT. PRISON: CELL -- DAY

Jared stands at the entrance to his cell waiting. A corrections officer approaches.

CORRECTIONS OFFICER1

It's time.

Jared nods.

INT. PRISON: PROCESSING -- LATER

Jared is processed out of the prison. He's handed some clothing, which is now too small, a fifty dollar bill and some change, and a key. He signs a release form. The PROCESSOR points him out. The fifty has a note on it: "For cab fair."

JARED

This is too much money here, and where'd this key come from?

PROCESSOR

They were with your things...

Jared looks at the items unsure.

JARED

Thanks.

He leaves.