I was born to an alcoholic father, but I never imagined that I would wind up married to one. Ridiculous isn't it? Any therapist could have seen that one coming from a mile away. So why didn't I ?

Maybe because he left when I was so young. I can't be sure. Have I some need to recreate the relationship I lost ? Does some part of me hope to save my father if I can save my husband ? There are so many questions and so little that seems to answer them. I guess I thought that my husband was young and all young guys drink a little. He would grow up and settle into married life and family and the drinking would be a thing of the past. I drank. I could take it or leave it. I thought he would be the same way. I never thought it would go so far.

Over the ten years we have been together, there has been periods of drinking and periods when there wasn't a drop of alcohol in the house. Long periods in fact. How it became something that happened more often than not I'm not sure of. Maybe it was the friend that came along after twelve years of absence and it was time to celebrate. Maybe it was the fact that he was getting divorced and wanted to drown his sorrows with his friends. Maybe I married an alcoholic who didn't really need an occasion or excuse to drink. I never considered myself someone who walked around with blinders on, but look who had blinders on !

My husband is in recovery now. One week sober today. He is attending AA and taking it very seriously. This decision came at a price. Our family was almost broken. Our children were scared. I was physically and mentally in shreds. How much does alcohol have to take from someone until they decide the price is too high? My husband said to me " I almost lost everything over a buzz"  Wow ! I don't think I could have said it better.  It doesn't seem like an even remotely intelligent decision for the average person. But the mind of an alcoholic will tell them, 'drink now, fix it later'  Im grateful at this moment that there is still time to " fix it "  Not everyone gets that chance.

How does someone live with an alcoholic in recovery? I know how to live with the alcoholic. When they get sober, it feels like I'm watching everything I say and do so as not to send them back into the bottle. Is that co-dependant? Or am I right to fear that any blow up or mis-step could damage their sobriety? When so much hangs in the ballance its hard not to try and keep it there. He has said that I am in no way responsible for his recovery. I believe that mentally. But some other part of me says " I'm not? Am I not my brothers keeper" When you love someone, aren't you supposed to help them shoulder some of their load?

I am not sure about much anymore. The drinking seems to have clouded my mind as much his. I'm hoping to find a way to move through or on. I know I'm not alone but it feels that way sometimes. Maybe someone else feels this way.