The four most memorable, most important dates in my life:
 
June 13th, 1998, the day James and i were married.
 
September 9th, 1998, the day my first son, Jesse, was born.
 
October 5th, 1999, the day my middle son, Jacob, was born.
 
January 18th, 2002, the day my baby boy, Jeffrey, was born.

  I look at these dates and notice that none of them are when I was being raped or molested. That has to mean something. That has to be relevant. Right?
  I have no regrets in my life. I have made more than my share of mistakes in life, but I have no regrets. To regret something is to say that you would do it differently if you could. Every event, every person, every choice in our lives make us who we are today. I like who I am today. I wouldn't change me. I'm not perfect but I am a good person with a big heart. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am compassionate to a fault. I am understanding and forgiving. And, yes, I am the child of a pedophile. Yes, that had impacted the person I am today. No one thing completely defines who you are. Everything put together, stirred not shaken served with ice, defines who we are.
  I can't say I don't have pain. I have alot of pain. I'm just not afraid to talk about it. Things happen in our lives that we can't control. We can't go back and change the past. Dick molested and raped me. I didn't tell anyone until it was too late to do anything about it. I know that I blocked everything out, but you would think that I would have remembered the day after it happened. I honestly don't know if I did or not. I can't remember that detail.
  What I can remember is how much I loved my mother. I remember how protective I was of her. She knew what was happening to me and could have stopped him. She could have protected me. Yet, I blame her for nothing. Maybe it is because of the way Dick was. I know all too well what he is capable of. The way he can convince some one that murder is what God wants them to do. To clear the air, as far as I know he never did that, but he could have. I describe it as a Ted Bundy personality.
  How can you blame someone who is brain washed? I have to believe my mom was brain washed. She had to have been scared. I speak about Dick in present tense because he is alive and as far as I know well. I speak of my mother in past tense because she is dead. But that is a story for later.
  Right now we are at the point in my life where i had just given birth to my youngest son, Jeffrey. Dick has NEVER had the pleasure of meeting Jeffrey. When Jeffrey was born, Dick wasn't in my life at all. Well except for the fact that he was stalking me, but I didn't know that at the time.
  For the first year of Jeffrey's life all was good. I won't say it was easy because being 21 years old with a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a baby is simply not an easy thing. It was probably harder for me than most. I lacked all the skills a mother and house wife should have. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, all of these things were foreign to me when I left my parents. It was hard for me to learn these things. It didn't some naturally like I thought they would, should. James would get so frustrated. He worked all day long and wanted to come home to dinner on the table and a clean house. I never could seem to accomplish these things. We fought all the time. We were still partying quite a bit. We cheated on each other. I finally told him I wanted to separate a couple of weeks after Jeffrey's 1st birthday.
  James was devastated. We had been together almost 5 years at that point. He moved out and let me keep the boys. He wanted to stay and make it work. But, I was having problems. How did I know I loved him if he was the only man I had ever been with?
  I had never had a job. I had Jesse right out of high school and had been a stay at home mom since. The only money I had coming in was Jacob's disability which only covered rent. James wouldn't help me out in that department. I went to welfare to get some help. Per their policy, they are required to file for child support. I told them not to. The didn't listen. As soon as I left their office I called James to let him know what was going on. To say the least he was pissed.
  He asked me if he could have the boys for the night. As soon as I dropped them off he went down and filed for emergency custody. He told the courts I was letting Dick see my boys (A Lie). They put a restraining order against me. I wasn't allowed to see or speak to my children until the court date. That was a full month away. Now, I know this sounds messed up, but in James' defense he truly believed that I was letting Dick see the boys. He thought that he was doing what was best for the boys.
  I totally lost it. I started drinking all night long and crying all day. I went out looking for men to sleep with. I would sleep with a different guy every night. Sometimes there was more than one a night. I guess I felt like it was the only thing I was in control of. You could say I was suicidal in a way. i didn't care what happened to me. i didn't care if I lived or died.
  Because James had custody of the boys, it also meant he got Jacob's dissability money. this meant I lost the house and had to move in with my Aunt. Finally the court date arrived. I told the Judge that I didn't care who had custody of the boys as long as I could see them. I have always felt that they need both of their parents. The court granted James custody. I was to get the boys every weekend. Once the custody order was in place, James allowed me to have the boys whenever I wanted.
  I settled down a little bit. I started dating this guy names Alec. I moved in with him almost immediately. Everything was going fine for a couple of months. But, I missed James something fierce. I thought about him all the time. Then it hit me. I knew I loved him and had loved him all along. I left Alec and James and I got back together. I was happy again.
  A little side not. My cousin, Kim, left her husband (Alec's best friend) of 10 years to get with Alec less than a week after I left him. More family drama.
  It took me a little time to readjust to having the boys all the time again. Plus, I had started school not long after James and I had split up. But, everything was going great! James and I weren't fighting. Getting back together with my husband's was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I don;t regret leaving him. I tought me alot about myself, about independence and about how much I really do love my husband. I truely am lucky to have him.

James.....138