New Years day brings in a fresh start, a new beginning; at least it's suppose to.

Much like the day to day superstitions we have about things, like: exit the way you came (if you enter someone's house via the front door, exit through the same door if you intend to visit again), or another favorite of mine: don't make changes to your house for a day if you want your visitor to return, many of us hold New Year superstitions as well.

Take me for example. I believe that if you want the new year to bring certain things, you must be prepared for those things, and actually come into the new year prepared. It's the reason so many New Years resolutions go nowhere, find themselves in the dustbin before one can blink an eye.

Let me explain.

Three years ago I noticed the neatness of my house begin to fall apart a bit due to growing children who were becoming more and more independent, doing more and more on their own. This meant more mess that SOMEONE had to be responsible for. Unfortunately cleaning up after themselves on a larger, but doable, scale, was getting harder to do. It may be a silly superstitious thought, but in the quest for a peaceful, smooth sailing, life, I believed with all my heart that if all was clean as a whistle by the time the clock chimed 12 midnight January 1st, it (my house) would be the home of peaceful, smooth sailing life, and that keeping things beautiful would be a piece of cake throughout the coming year. It would be easy for my children to adjust to keeping up with the responsibilities that came with their independent abilities. This would mean that I would actually have time to enjoy a piece of cake, now and again.

A superstition is a superstition if you believe in it. It's effects are stronger the more of your heart you feel it in.

I am not one for new years resolutions. I figure if you want to change yourself or something about your life, New Years is not the only time to do it. It was always a bit of a laugh to me when I thought about people and their New Years resolutions. How those resolutions would probably never see themselves through because they were not REALLY planned for before hand. You really have to be out with the old, in with the new for a change to really take place. Because really, what is New Years Day but a new day... another day. Like all those before and all those to come. The action comes within ourselves. The day is not energy, we are.

And here I was, with something a bit more than a New Years resolution; I had planned, I was executing. There was GOING to be an out with the old and in with the new. And all in time for the New Year's kiss. Everything was going to be as planned, everything was going to be perfect. I was elated.

Like with almost everything, however, there was a "but".

What happens when other people that affect and effect your life have resolutions of their own? What happens when you come up against a wall and can't move it? What then?

I have discovered something else about new years resolutions, another reason they don't work, and it has taken me this long to discover why. It has taken me this long to separate my feelings of defeat and anger (yes Frieda gets angry, however quiet an anger it may be, it's there).

The reason New Years resolutions absolve themselves before ever getting off the runway is sabotage. Call it what you will. I call it sabotage. I call it someone bigger and stronger than you cutting your importance short.

If you had full support in your plans, your dreams, would they not come to fruition? One has to believe that they are as important as the next person, as capable, as valuable. But are we really? When we want and need something with all our heart, and we express that want and need verbally and through action to all those around us at the most crucial of moments, don't we deserve to be understood and supported? Especially when we've called shotgun before anyone else had the chance to realize that they could?

I am a believer of myself. I believe that if you want to get something done, you need to expect that you will have to get it done by yourself, and if you're lucky, someone is going to come along and help you, but don't count on it. This is NOT a pessimistic form of thinking, but rather an elating one and quite optimistic because it is truthful.

I also believe that giving yourself more than you can handle realistically, is not a good thing.

And I believe that where there's a will there's a way.

I should rephrase the last belief. It should be in past tense. I USED to believe that where there's a will there's a way. because sometimes there just isn't. Sometimes when you go against the grain, rub up against another's present comfort for a future of finer comforts, you're rubbing against the bark of the wrong tree. Simply put, some people just don't have the power to make others believe that the world is round.

My sister was over. My husband was there. The children were in bed. The shampagne was chilled. The house was almost almost clean. My sister had her own problems. Cleaning and organization was never a forte of hers. My husband could care less if there was a mess until it got in his way. Both knew my goal and the reason and how much this meant to me, yet not a finger was lifted to help me in any shape or form. That said, may I also say that I love them both dearly and that I have long since come to terms with the fact that a frying pan to their heads will change nothing of their convictions or abilities, or beliefs.

The minutes were coming close. I was almost done. Either way, I had done my best and would share in a glass of shampagne and would have my New Year's kiss. I put my mop down. (i had been told to do so for the last half hour, no one understanding. But I had not put it down because I was told to, I put it down because it was time to. Because I was ready to. Because while I was flustered that I was alone on this resolve of mine where the New Year was concerned, I had followed through, gave myself a chance and a deadline, and that deadline was there.)

I gathered close. I don't remember what was said or laughed about or otherwise. I don't remember anything but happiness and pride that I, at least, had done my best. I looked pretty, I felt pretty. I had a smile on my face. Cross your fingers for the New Year to bring the best of comfort and happy faces and times to be together doing cool stuff because all was well.

I was smiling.

Shapagne was handed to me.

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1- HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Glasses were raised.

Toasts were made.

Cheers.

And just before drinking a final toast was given:

"I wish my wife would chill out."

How could anyone drink to that? How could my beliefs, convictions, devotion, be dismissivly placed in a pot of such muck! Cast aside with the baby water. Settled on for anal retentiveness. Where was the pride? The job well done?

I cried.

I don't expect anyone, or at least not many to understand this exact situation. To be frank I'm certain it is rather a bizarre one and not one shared by many. So why am I sharing this with everyone?

Because I know that you all have a story. You all have a hope, a dream, a resolution. You all want to believe in yourselves, and so you should. Not everyone is going to understand where we come from, or why we believe or feel the way we do. Not everyone is going to have the same hierarchy of things important. Not everyone is going to feel the same gut feelings. Things will not always be smooth sailing. It's up to us to stand up for ourselves. It's up to us to do what's best and believe that yes we can, yes we will,

• Make that new years resolution.
• Be ready for it - prepare in advance, and know that this may not matter one iota.
• Make sure it's one you want and that has meaning for you more than it does for anyone else, because if it doesn't have meaning, chances are, you won't achieve it, especially if the only support you have is yourself.
• Don't give up.
• Make sure it's a resolution that is within your means to achieve on your own or that you DO have someone who is on your side for better or for worse, whether it be to just let you about your way or to offer a helping hand, or be right in there with you.
• If you don't succeed, know that you tried your best and find ways to understand why things may not have panned out.
• Know that you ARE as important as anyone else, no matter what anyone else says.
  
  

Horribly.

I let someone else's words eat through me. I let my anger get the best of me. I played the "I'll show you" card, dropping caution to the wind, giving up my sense of pride and blamed others for my lack of strength and hurt feelings, only to have myself deemed as lazy.

Oh sure, I have since tried to make amends, to start over where my resolution began, but not to any avail. Why? Because each time I gave up. Because each time I felt like the perfect home that I was accustomed to for so many years was now an anal retentive dream that could only be achieved by the young and I was now tired and too used to lazing about. I had found other things to occupy myself with. Things that allowed me to stop at any given moment with longer lived visual achievements.

To be honest, I felt like the person with the crappy house driving the BMW. What good is a BMW if you can't drive it home?

This past year has been one of many accomplishments for me. And all from starting with nothing but an idea or two, a question or two, a what if, a what can be. All on my own. From scratch if you will. None of these accomplishments could have been achieved without belief in myself, my own belief in myself, my own determination. I took chances I would not have before. I ignored any and all unsporting words and thoughts, and never once took for granted the words of belief, most from strangers no less. I have taken my own advice time and again.

Now if I could achieve so much from mere determination and self conviction, touch so many, reach so many. Couldn't I then try again? With all I've learned, couldn't I this time succeed? Couldn't I continue where I left off in my own home, my own space, my own surroundings, my own family?

Yes. Yes I can. And yes I will.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! And cheers to me... and cheers to you.

I want to make it clear that I am not looking for any validation. No poor you. No how horrible. No blah blah blah. Fact is we all go through times like these and it's up to us to pick ourselves up, wipe ourselves off, learn something about ourselves and those around us, and move on. I'd like this article to be one of the readers' own reflection and hope that my story rang a bell of familiarity with someone and gave some sort of reason to celebrate oneself.

Life is great. It forces us to be strong. It forces us to believe in ourselves to survive. Make the most of your new year and embrace it.