Can You Date Your Friend's Ex?
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3 Points to Remember
Yes. Yes, of course you can date the ex-partners of your friends. Of course you can. The question should really be, is it possible to keep your friend in the process.
We've all been there. We've all had friends with failed relationships. And as good as the friendship is, sometimes that ex is just too tasty to resist. We all know there is no cut and dry answer to this dilemma. Sometimes this is do-able. And sometimes it isn't. Some people are highly possessive regarding their ex's. Many years ago I dated the ex of a friend's cousin. It wasn't even my friend's ex. It was her cousin's ex. And the fall out was unbelievable. But in happier news, I had another friend who actually hooked me up with an ex of hers. That worked out fine and fun for all.
I could start with all that sappy obvious stuff, like saying: The first thing you really need to ask yourself is, how important is this friendship? Is this someone you've known through the gym for a year, or is this a long term 3:00 in the morning phone call - knows your favorite vodka as well as your favorite former teen idol - kind of friend? If this is a friendship worth fighting for, than fight for it. Fight the urge, and get over it.
Let's assume you've got 2 brain cells to rub together, and you've already assessed the situation. This is a good friend, a 3 AM friend, and still you find yourself texting The Ex, or casually trying to crash his weekly happy hour at a local bar.
One of the reasons you have a friend who's heard you admit you still kinda dig Matt Dillon over 3 Grey Goose Dirty Martini's, is honesty. You can let your hair down and be frank with her. You can tell her she has broccoli in her teeth. You can tell her you spent the rent money on a massage. Now is not the time to stop.
Remember how it felt to be in her shoes. One of the worst things about being dumped is that stupid feeling. Even if you saw it coming, you didn't really see it coming. Not really. So when he told you he wanted out, you were blindsided. You felt dumb for not having known he was unhappy.
Assume that's how your friend feels. And try to imagine how much more magnified that feeling would be if you make her feel stupid too.
I suggest a pre-emptive strike. Let her know. Immediately. Yeah, it's gonna hurt her, and she will feel open and raw. But when day is done she will still have her dignity, and that goes a long way. Be truthful with yourself: you wouldn't want your so-called friend sneaking around behind your back. The odds are, neither would she. You know how she feels about the ex, you know how she feels about you. Much of the sink-or-swim of this, will rely on how she feels about herself. And that is the hard part of the break-up. If you make her feel bad about herself, she will excommunicate you.
Making her feel good about herself is NOT about idiotic flattery and fake empathy. All you need to do, is keep three goals in mind, for every sentence you speak:
- Do not get dragged into a tit for tat about her failed relationship.
- Do not compare.
- And do not ever imply that you can succeed where she failed.
Do not get dragged into a tit for tat, this for that, he said she said - kind of conversation. If she wants to point out how he never called when he would be late, do not defend him and point out that her version of late is 25 seconds. If she tells you he didn't want to meet her parents, don't remind her about 10 years ago when she faked an appendicitis to get out of having Easter dinner with her then boyfriend's father. You can't make the light bulb over her head suddenly illuminate where she says, "Oh you're right. What was I thinking? I was wrong, and you deserve him."That's not going to happen. So don't argue. Don't combat every point she makes with correction or an attempt at balance.
When she says he was always late, be her friend. Not the potential new girlfriend. Not her teacher. Not the judge. Just be her friend. Just nod. If you feel you have to say something, then sympathize. "That must have been frustrating." If she says he wouldn't meet her family, just nod. "I know how close you are to your family." If you don't give her a reason to fight harder, she won't. She wants to be heard. That's what that whole Venus woman thing is about, right? She wants you to hear her. So, hear her. She wants to feel better. Just let her. And be the friend you have been, not the girlfriend to the ex that you want to be. You don't have to take sides. If she really pushes for you to admit a more sided response, bow out. Shrug. "I wasn't there. I don't know. But I can see how bothered you were by it."
Do not compare. Ever. Do not compare how much better you would handle something with this guy than she did. Do not compare your past relationships to hers. Do not compare her past relationships with this one. Do not compare anything. And don't let her. Dismantle any comparison she attempts. If she starts comparing: "You are such a stickler for punctuality! You'll be even more upset than I was!" Just nod. Shrug. If you point out all the reasons why you won't get upset like she did, you're comparing, and you're making her fight back. Don't do that. Don't make her fight.
If anything, justify her. Justify her feelings, her intentions, even her initial attraction. If she says, straight out: "If you know all the bad things he did to me, then why in the world do you still want to go out with him!?" You have one response only.
"Because I see what you saw in him. I'm where you were when you met him." You understand why she got involved with this guy in the first place. She was attracted, like you are now. Just point that out if you're pushed. And don't go any farther. You aren't better than she is. You aren't going to learn from her mistakes and succeed where she didn't. You're just like her. At least, let her have that much.
And that brings me to my last point. Do not imply that you think you and the ex can have success. If she asks you if you really think you can make this work, don't say yes. Do not say yes! It's practically throwing down a gauntlet. The very best you can do, is put yourself on her level. Put yourself where she is, just in a different spot on the time line. You can say, "Maybe a month from now you'll be the one buying me martini's."
Let her see you as her friend, not as his girlfriend. At least, not yet. When she complains about him, leave it at that I hear ya, sister! feeling.
And the truth is in the beginning stages, you really don't know. She may be 100% right, and you may be exactly where she is in a few months. I do think it's possible to maintain your friendship while you go out with the ex. As long as you do it with care.
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I wanted to comment on this, also as a guy. I completely disagree with Bob. I've had many friends go after my ex's, and I've also bagged a few of my friend's ex's myself. I know from experience it's not an unequivocable "no", and I don't think my corner of the jungle is the exception. I've had a few times where it's happened to me where it really bothered me. Now that I read this and think about it though, I think it had to do more with how I found out then the fact that my ex was dating a buddy of mine. Good article.
Well, that's a good point, Luke. I'm glad you took my comments so seriously. In retrospect, I should have added the qualifier, "Among real and decent men" prior to my third sentence.
Bob, really? !!!
I welcome different points of view, and open this forum for all opinions and thoughts. We're allowed to disagree. However, Bob, saying that someone is not real or decent because they don't agree with you is uncalled for. I took your comment seriously too, and ran it by every man within screaming distance this morning, and most disagreed with you, including men that I know are very decent. Stop with the name calling, and you're welcome to share your thoughts here.
I think what we have here is a failure to communicate. It's been my experience that women are more willing to date each other's exes than men are. However, I think that's because they apply the ex label to too many people. I think women consider a guy to be an ex of hers if she dated him once, looked at him once, told someone she may have liked him. Whereas with guys, I think when we say the ex, we mean the woman we lived with for 8 years and thought we'd marry. In any case I think you're right, be honest about it.
It was meant totally tounge-in-cheek with no intent to offend, as was the "clarification" - the offense taken indicates I did a poor job at trying to be funny. Apologies all around!
Love-ya Bob.
Bob's comment as funny, in my book at least.
I'd say the main thing, if you wish to pursue the ex of a friend is not to act with "unseemly haste" but to allow at least a couple of weeks to elapse before putting on your James Bond suit and leaping into action.
There's another side to this. Think about it this way, do you want to hang out with your girl friend's ex? From a male point of view, I'd rather not. Friend or no friend, I think it's natural to be a bit territorial when it comes to women, and to want to keep her away from anyone that has seen her naked. So before you date a friend's ex, think if you really want to hang out with someone that has been intimate with your new girl.
Paul, EXCELLENT point. Thanks!
What if your buddy dumped his ex, and now you want to date her?
Well, I have a quick dilehma/question...
My friend (The girl) broke up with friend (The guy) because he was super territorial and treated her like property. He wouldn't give her, her space nor would he let her breathe! It's been a couple months since they broke up. I recently started dating her about a week ago without him knowing. See, we didn't want him to know just yet because he's like really emo and suicical...so in reality, we simply didn't know how to tell him because he thinks she still likes him when she wants nothing to do with him (In the sense of being in another relationship with him). Unfortunately...he found out today that me and her are dating...now, my question is...am I being a bad frined? Me and him have had clashes in the past and we've ended up hating each other and then making up...
Goshini,
By choosing to go out with her, and not tell your friend about it first, you chose this girl over your friendship.
I wouldn't use the term "bad friend". It sounds like you and this guy have a very unique and odd set of parameters to your friendship to begin with. You're still his "friend" even though you think he's suicidal and possibly abusive to women. You've had serious fights but you've worked through them. That could be because you accept each other for who you really are, faults and all.
Your choice was not the choice a good friend would have made. It may have been the choice of a good man, however.
If your friend is capable of inappropriate possessive feelings, and hurting himself, the time to be a friend is now. This is based on what you've said about him, and assuming that you're right. Maybe you can help get that boy the help he needs.
I have a question on this topic. My friend's fiance left her a little over a year ago. I subscribe to a couple of online dating websites and one of them matched me up with this friend's ex fiance. So, I "blocked" him so that he could not communicate with me. Then, today I went onto the other website that I belong to and haven't been on for a few months and found two messages from him. The first said he missed me, and that he's sorry for what happened between him and my friend and hoped I didn't think he was completely at fault, and that I was the sweetest, most gentle, sensitive person he ever met in his entire life. And the other message was from today -he saw that I was "online" and wrote 'you are so beautiful.' Normally I would tell a friend's ex to go tell hell if he pulled that, but with him I feel so sad at the thought of letting him go. Maybe it's partly because of my age (34) - it's not easy finding someone these day, partly because I'm really attracted to him and have alot in common, and the last reason I don't want to let this go is because this happened to me with another friend's ex many years ago. I never persued him out of respect for my friend, but in retrospect I completely regret it. We are not even friends anymore anyway. The dilemna this time is that I do care for both my friend and him, but moreover she is still not over this ex fiance and has really taken the break up badly enough. I really want to do the right thing and let him go, but then there's the other part of me that's telling me not to let go so easily this time, especially because we have so much in common and already like and know eachother.
I know this friend of mine is not completely rational and is very territorial and will not be the type to still remain friend's with me if I choose to talk to her ex, let alone date him. What should I do, risk the friendship or the potential soulmate? Keep in mind that either relationship may fail in the future.
traveler1,
I answered your comment in its own HUB: http://hubpages.com/hub/Can_You_Date_Your_Friends_
Thanks!
Veronica
ok how about dating your ex-friends ex? I was friends with this girl for a while she treated the both of us poorly. And 2 days after the breakup she started a rumor about me after i let her cry on my shoulder!! She invaded my privacy and I caught her reading my emails from him! The she buys me gifts to make my feel guilty! I still feel bad because she has chosen to deny us as a potentel couple and continues to set me up with awful dates that i insist i do not want. in this case I do not value the "friendship" what to do?
Hmmm. KellyLin, you refer to her as your "ex" friend. You list supporting reasons to that, like her invasion of your privacy and her starting rumors about you.
I don't know the whole situation, or the real situation, but I don't need to. You answered your own question. In your eyes, she isn't your friend. If she isn't your friend, there's no conflict. Go for it.
And stop going on dates you don't want to go on!
This Article was great help veronica I have evaluated my situation i guess my girlfriend is NOT the 3 AM type...lol. But now our mutual friends have this idea i'm a "boyfriend thief" calling all kinds of rude things....seriously i thought this highschool junk was through. Since all of us girls WORK together how can i kill the idea that i'm a "boyfriend thief" .....wow that title is something else!
Hiya Tisha.
People that have that much energy to spend time calling other people high school names, obviously don't have enough going on in their own lives to keep themselves occupied. I doubt anyone who calls you "boyfriend theif" is a 3 AM friend, either. Try not to let them get to you.
Look how the whole world forgave Angelina for stealing Brad while he was still married to Jen. Eventually this will pass.
Here's a big tip - your real friends will have your back no matter what, even if you are a boyfriend theif. Honey, I think it's time for you to find some new friends.
But........i still feel a little guilty about doing it.. is that my conscience or paranoia speaking?
Kelly Lin, it could be anything from your conscience to too much caffeine.
Follow your heart.
been reading all you guys wrote. i personally have a problem here.
i live with her, i am madly in love with her ex. she is a gud freind, i went out with the guy even when she asked me not to. the thing is i fell in love with him, before she even became my pal, in the process she started being friendly n i have a feeling that othere than the probs she ran up to me with, she knew we had a thing going, we however stopped the relationship wen she moved in with me.
we were not happy with wat we did, n kept in n out n decided not to tell her, eventually i was tired of the crap n we moved on with it n told her, she was diverstated, she hates him, she lives with me. its six months now even if i let go it wont change a thing, she is mad already
the problem is i really lkove this guy, had a crash on him since their relationship, n she treated him so bad, i mean so bad, that he used to come running to me...dont think i encouraged him to break off, but he got tired of it n quit.
so we move out they dont talk, she says she will never talk to him.
are my feeling bloking my view, cant drop this...........wat can i do???
theo78,
Follow your heart.
Sometimes you heart will tell you that losing your friend isn't worth it. Sometimes your heart tells you that whatever the cost, it is worth it. You said you are "madly in love". That's well passed the dating advice stage. Be honest, with everyone. And accept the fact that in order to get some things, you lose others.
I really didn't expect to see so many guys putting in their .02 on this one.
Hi Angela, thanks for checking out my HUBS.
I love seeing the guys comment. We have a lot of guys on Hubpages that weigh in, plus I have a strong male readership on my blog www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com that make their way over with the links. It's great, isn't it?
when she/he is hot enough & u care 4 love only, none in the in this world would stop u 4 everything is coollllllll & correcttttttttt in love & war.who cares to cry 4 life time? ask the ex & listen 2 what she/he says. Its a noble job 2 keep someone happy, may it b 4 a date only.
Wow, what an excelelnt article!! You are totally right. Everything comes down to honesty and respect.
Thanks Veronica, I appreciate your insight. I have a question though.
I am currently a 7th grader at a small private school. I have this good friend. In 6th grader, she and this guy went out for about a month. They broke up mutually, and I hadn't heard much about it 'til this year. You see, a few weeks ago, she confessed to me she still liked him, and so asked him out again, with him turning her down. Now the truth is, I had liked him since the beginning of 6th grade. I recently found out he liked me too! He's going to ask me out soon, and I really, really like him. Not to mention, this is a situation where I don't know when I''ll find another guy. I don't know how to tell her the truth.
I know this may seem like a silly middle school romance, but it's tearing me up. Please help!
Hayley,
There is nothing silly about it. And here is my advice.
Number one, tell the truth. It comes out in the end, no matter what. There is no way around that. I promise you. As hard as it is to tell the truth, it will be even harder once the truth is out and you're confronted with it. You need to tell your friend the truth.
And number two, and this isn't fair but it's the way it is - If you go out with this boy, you may lose your friend. And, if you stand by your friend, you may lose this boy.
If you've read this HUB and the comments that followed, you'll see this isn't something we outgrow when we leave middle school. This is the way it works, for the rest of our lives.
You need to choose one: your friend or your the boy. Neither is the wrong answer. Only you know which one would rip you up worse if you never saw again. Do this so that you're prepared for when you tell your friend.
If you choose your friend, then when you tell her about your crush on this boy, tell her the truth but tell her that you would never let a boy come between the two of you. Tell her you're sorry, you couldn't help your feelings, but that you won't go out with him.
If you choose the boy, then when you tell your friend about your crush tell her this is the way it is. You like him, he likes you, no one ever meant to hurt her, but this is the way it is. Tell her you care about her friendship, and that this was truly hard for you to do. But you can't help the way you feel. And you wanted her to know the truth. Be prepared. If you do this, you might lose this friend. (Just be sure he's worth it.)
With 3 people involved, you have no way to control the outcome. You just don't know who is going to do what. And I hope that the three of you can all remain friends. And who knows - maybe you can. But no matter what, you will feel better in the long run if you tell the truth. I promise.
Good luck.
You don't date your friend's ex. That's a no-no regardless of the situation. Unless you want to lose your friend of ten years when there are plenty of other girls out there. It's a simple concept. When I break up with her, everything you had with her is done as well, unless you want to have some problems with your friendship.
yes i can date my friends EX BOYFRIEND thats great to know thanks
I wrote a similar article. I like your point of view
Good article. I think you're right about the honesty thing. Being lied to is the worst thing. If you have any chance of salvaging your friendship you have to be totally honest.
I have a question.
So last year I met a person in my class, and through the course of the semester we became fast friends. At that point was intrested in this guy(One of our friends) and by the end of the year they started going out.
Then in the Spring, he broke up with her for some reason. When this happened she got quite angry and broke up their friendship too. Then she became quite depressed. Now at the start of the new school year she started clinging to him again and generally being quite friendly.
Recently I heard that they were probably going to get back together again.
---
So about last year I too started developing feelings for him. At first it started out as a silly crush, but it's now progressed into something deeper than that. And now whenever I see her with him it kind of hurts..
Currently I am debating whether to confess my feelings to him, her, both, or not at all.
The biggest obsticle for me is that my friend is quite violent. That fact alone holds me back, for I don't exactly wish to offend her, anger her, or lose her friendship.
So, I'm not really sure what to do.
Please help!
Erika
Your friend and this guy do not sound over. I think you should suck it up and not insert youself into the situation. Especially since you didn't say that this guy recprocates your feelings toward him.
Good luck
Another great hub! My experience with dating a friend's ex is – don’t risk it, whatever the circumstances. You can’t rely on people to act rationally!Many years ago, I had a friend who was Swedish and blonde – and everything you think about when I say those two words. She changed men like she changed clothes, with about as much emotional investment (at the time, I thought she was s-o-o-o-o- empowered and liberated!). She went out with a guy for a couple of weeks, then dumped him. A few months later, I bumped into him and he asked me out. Now, I’d had many conversations with Helene during their relationship and knew she hadn’t been serious about him, and I also knew she hadn’t been at all upset about dumping him (having already found someone better to replace him). So it didn’t occur to me that it would be a problem. As it happened, she was away on holiday at the time, so I didn’t talk to her till a couple of weeks later (this was in the days before mobile phones – yes, I know, the dark ages). Imagine my surprise when she was furious with me. This liberated woman was horrified that I could take up with a former boyfriend. She couldn’t tell me why (she was too busy screaming at me). And that was the end of our friendship.
Marisa Wright - those are words to live by: "You can't rely on people to act rationally!" No truer words have ever been spoken.
I had the same situation. Her name was Robin, and she was exactly like your friend. And I was shocked when she was upset that I had done one of her castaways. I hadn't related that to this hub though. I didn't think of them as true "boyfriend/girlfriend".
In general though, I'd avoid the true ex-boyfriends of friends. So many fish, so few friends... and such a sure way to end that.
Thanks so much for visiting with me tonight!
Well, I'm in a situation where my friend is not the "3am phone call after coming home from the bar" kind of friend. She and I are more associates than friends, but I still care about her feelings. She has told me on more than one ocassion that she didn't love him, but didn't want to let him go because she was selfish and didn't want to see him with anyone else. Being loyal to her, I never said anything to him about it. He eventually figured out that their relationship was over months ago...and then openly admitted feelings for me. I had feelings for him as well, but tried to ignore them. It didn't work. We have recently been making plans to take it a step further, but I still haven't said anything to my friend about us. I want to tell her, but am having difficulty figuring out how to just come out and say it. I have never dated any of my friends ex'es and vice versa, as far as I know. I know that when he and I move in together, she will definitely know something then, but I want to give her that respect and let her know ahead of time.
You're right, you should give her that respect and let her know ahead of time. The more time that passes, the harder it gets.
its a scary prospect to date a friends ex, some friends will pretend they don't mind when they actually do. personally, i would abstain from it.
If your friend is ok with it then I guess but keep in mind that the closer she is to your friend (her ex) the more risky it is for you. They already know each other. Also if she wants to date you knowing that you're her exes friend then she has no respect for him ...how much respect is she going to have for you.
Proceed with CAUTION.
I think this is similar to what you commented in Can You Be Friends With Your Ex. Alot of times different circles of people tend to experience this more frequently or open mindedly than others. In the music industry I'm kinda used to it. But like you said here, it comes down to honesty. If they weren't honest with me I'd have a problem. great hub as always
I live here in the US but i'm from argentina.. this last christmas i went back to my country to spend holidays with my family and friends.. i finally i got to see my high school friends... long story short.. one of my friends told me she broke up with her boyfriend 9 months ago and I was really shocked..then..I met him at a party, we were introduced.. but nothing happened that day.. when I came back he started writing me e-mails and we began seeing each other via skype.. I feel I like him a lot. ans he tells me he likes me too.. sometimes I feel guilty because I haven't tell my friend about this.. eventhough I think she already knows.. :(
Personally I can see all sides to this debate. Obviously, unless your friend is absolutely fine with you being with her ex and maybe even gives you her blessing, it's a really tricky situation and you probably will have to make the decision of choosing your friend over the boy. However, I don't feel at all that friends ex's are a no-no. It depends alot on the situation, whether the friend is a 3am friend, or just an aquaintance, how long they've split up, who split up with who, how long they were together etc etc. For examply, going with your best friends ex a week after she splits up with him for cheating on her is a definate no-no in my eyes, but there are so many situations it's impossible to have a straight for answer for each.
My story is that I had a best friend, and we always talked about each other's ex's and told each other everything. (Take into account, she finished with him because he dressed to gangster :S whatever that means, they are good friends to this day, relationship lasted a couple of months and was 4 yrs ago and we're 19 now) She told me in conversation of a few of her exs that she wouldn't mind any of her friends getting with, with this particular lad being one of them. This was one of our typical girly conversations that in all honesty was completely forgotten about. A few months passed and we started talking and became friends, nothing more, nothing less... Until he asked to come round, nothing happened but I had a really nice time and really enjoyed his company. I admit I wasn't even thinking about my friend as her ex was never a serious topic of discussion and i THOUGHT it wouldn't be a problem as I thought I knew her inside out. The next morning, I was thinking about the whole situation because i actually had a really good time and thought I'd tx her and let her know how I felt. I made sure she knew I would never let a boy come between us and that I was completely willing to break it off and not meet him again if she was in the slightest bit upset or felt wierd about it. She didn't get back to me so I rang her the next day, and asked again, she wasn't over the moon about it at all, so in my eyes it was simple-she was my best mate and and i would tell Dave that i didnt want to meet him again. So anyway, in the meantime, i get a phone call asking 'whats up with me and my best mate' because she's put stuff on bebo about me saying i wasn't a good friend, deceitful etc etc. Now I feel hurt because I know I'm a good friend and wouldn't do anything to hurt her, yet she's maliciously made my business public so that everyone can have a good gossip.
I don't know, maybe I shouldnt have met him in the first place as I should have known better, but making harsh comments just shows her true colours in my eyes. On a whole, I can understand why people would be upset if their friend got with an ex, I really can, but I personally feel that if they were good friends themselves, they should be happy for you and stop being so selfish. At the end of the day, don't get me wrong, I would never decide to go with a friends ex if my friend wasn't happy about it, but if a friendship breaks down over you going out with a friends ex, its your friend that has decided to dump you over a boy! Not the other way around! Sometimes, we have to stop being so selfish and see the bigger picture, none of this 'golden rule of thumb'. Yeah, loyalty is a big thing in friendship, but so is compassion and being happy for your friend's, you may feel that your friend has betrayed you but if she's been straight with you and is willing to give him up for you, I think you should appreciate that and do the same!
How things stand now, I'm upset with her for writing about me on the internet- true friends don't do that... and we don't speak... I chose her over him yet still lost her. Its times like these that I think, was SHE worth it? True friends will be happy for you regardless of THEIR feelings.
I have a situation. my friend split up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago, i really like the guy we have always been really close now i think i may have stronger feelings and i think he has to. we have been textin alot but i am scared i upset her and her family they went out for three years and were living together for a while, so it was serious although they had there problems. i really like him!! my friend and i barely talk just now so would it be such a big thing? i am really confused!!
rach - yes, it really would be a big thing. If you have to go for it with this guy, you should tell your friend first. Be honest and upfront with her. It's the only chance of you have of maintaining any kind of friendship at all with her. And even at that it may not work. Good luck.
Thanks for your help, i was up all last night thinking about it. i know what i need to do and that is be a friend to both of them nothing more and nothing less. if me and this guy have any chance of a relationship i want it to be with everyones blessing, i dont want anyone to get hurt in this so if it means waiting years just to have that chance i am prepared. i hope he is to?! thanku for your help.
this is a really good article. I have a really good friend and he treated his girlfriend like garbage. when they broke up I started giving her guitar lessons. through these long sessions we eventually devolped a relationship. Now I stuck with this situation and I know I have no one to blame but myself, but should I tell him before burning man or after burning man (we're going to be in the same camp for a week), or should I just try to see how serious this relationship gets before I say anything?
Chad,
The key words here are "I have a really good friend." If he is your really good friend, no matter what kind of BF he was or anything else. Tell him.
Chad, How does she feel about the relationship? You should talk with her about it if you haven't already and make sure she feels the same way. If so, and you plan on developing an actual "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, then you definitely have to tell him. If you aren't going to have a serious relationship, then I think its best not to say anything to your friend, it will just start a conflict. Be prepared to lose your friend though, if infact you do have a serious relationship with this girl. How is that going to work? You hang out with your friend a lot and you would want to hang out with your girlfriend a lot. It would cause a lot of awkwark situations if you ask me. You could also start by feeling him out, let him know you have been spending a lot of time with his ex and you think you may have a little crush. see what he says. Something like that. let us know how it goes!!
I've just got out a long relationship with this girl and i've found myself begining to fall for one of her best friends, we've been friends for ages now and I know she used to fancy me too but is it okay to ask her out as i still want to try and stay friends with my ex. Also would it affect our friendship if i asked my ex's best friend out?
James,
It will affect your friendship with your ex, most definitely, if you ask out one of her best friends.
Personally, I do think it's possible. But I think it's very important that you are honest with your ex about your feelings. Put yourself in her shoes. If she wanted to be with one of your best friends, how would you honestly feel?
Wouldn't you want to know? I would. And I think you would. Your best chance at moving forward and making this work is to be respectful enough to be forthright and honest.
Best to you
Okay thanks this has helped a lot
thank you so much i am so worried about losing a friend and i wanted you to know that i believe i have a good idea about how to handle the situation
ok im in this exact situation right now. my friend laura dated this guy pat...i mean they were in love. but they ended because SHE did not see HIM as more than a friend. so they broke up and whatnot. she got a new boyfriend and things were fine. then her and pat would randomly makeout when they were drunk....not sober just drunk. so me and pat have been great friends for almost a year and we've started talking alot more and hanging out alot more. well laura asked me if i liked pat and i answered honestly and said yes. she asked him if he liked me and he said yes. shes so mad. but shes the kind of person thats so selfish and only thinks of herself. she hasnt yet said anything about how me and him feel but only how she feels. i really like him and i think he would treat me FABULOUS. and i would do the same for him. we understand eachother. and i never asked her if i cud date him she simply asked me if i liked him and i answered honestly. part of me thinks i shud pursue him bc she doesnt like him shes just selfish and the other part of me doesnt want to hurt her....what shud i do??
Lauren,
What you should do is this: choose one them. Just pretend you can only have one or the other one in your life. Would you rather have him as a boyfriend, or would you rather have her aas a friend. If you choose him, then go ahead and date him and understand you do run the risk of her friendship ending. If you choose her, then forget about him all together.
HERE'S MY QUESTION:
I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH THIS GIRL NAME MELISHA FOR ABOUT 7 YEARS. ME AND THIS GIRL HAVE CONSIDERED EACHOTHER BROTHER AND SISTER FOR ALL THIS TIME AS WELL. SEVERAL YEARS AGO, SHE DATED A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE NAME RANDY. I KNEW HIM BEFORE I MET HER. HIS ORIGINAL INTENTION WHEN HE FIRST STARTED TALKIN TO HER WAS TRY TO HOOK ME AND HER UP, HOWEVER, HE WOUND UP DATING MELISHA INSTEAD. THEY DATED FOR ABOUT 8 TO 10 MONTHS AND THROUGHOUT THAT ENTIRE TIME, ME, RANDY, AS WELL AS MELISHA AND HER FAMILY ALL GREW TO BE REAL KOOL AND CLOSE.
WELL, MELISHA EVENTUALLY WOUND UP BREAKIN THE RELATIONSHIP OFF WITH RANDY AFTER 8 TO 10 MONTHS BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE WAS ACTING TOWARDS HER. HE WOULD TELL HER THAT HE WAS GOING TO KILL HIMSELF IF SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM AND EVERYTHING AND THIS STUFF EVENTUALLY DROVE MELISHA AWAY FROM HIM. AFTER THIS INCIDENT, WE HADN'T SPOKEN TO MELISHA IN A GOOD LITTLE WHILE. EVENTUALLY, ME AND MELISHA WOUND UP REGAININ CONTACT AND STARTED HANGIN OUT AND KICKIN IT WITH EACHOTHER. BEFORE WE COULD EVEN GET REAL KOOL ALL OVER AGAIN, I REMEMBER SPEAKING WITH MY FRIEND ABOUT IT AND JUST OUT OF RESPECT, ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH US BEING FRIENDS AND STILL HANGING OUT TOGETHER. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH IT AT ALL, SO, ME AND MELISHA STARTED HANGING OUT TOGETHER LIKE WE USE 2. IT'S BEEN ABOUT 5 YEARS SINCE WE REGAINED CONTACT WITH EACHOTHER AND EVERYTHING. HE'S MOVED ON AND ME AND HER STILL HANG OUT. WE'VE GROWN SO CLOSE THAT WE STARTED CALLING EACHOTHER "BROTHER & SISTER", BUT I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT WHENEVER A MALE AND FEMALE BECOME CLOSE AND START CALLING EACHOTHER BROTHER AND SISTER, IF NOT BOTH OF THEM, AT LEAST ONE WANTS TO BE MORE THAN THAT.
SHE CURRENTLY STAYS OUT OF TOWN AT THE MOMENT, AND SHE CAME TO VISIT JUST A FEW DAYS AGO. AFTER HANGING WITH HER THAT DAY, I STARTED REALIZING THAT I MAY BE GROWING FEELINGS FOR HER. WE SHARES SECRETS WITH EACHOTHER, WE ALWAYS LAUGH AND PLAY WHEN WE'RE AROUND EACHOTHER, WE CONSTANTLY MAKE EACHOTHER LAUGH, WE ALWAYS GIVE EACHOTHER ADVICE AND EVERYTHING. WE SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME INTEREST AS WELL. ANYTIME WE TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, WE ALWAYS SEEM TO BE WANTING THE SAME THINGS. ANYTIME SHE NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO OR JUST A SHOULDER TO CRY ON OR ANYTHING, SHE ALWAYS CALLS ME. SHE TELLS ME EVERYTHING AND I MEAN EVERYTHING. LOL. SOMETIMES I PICK UP VIBES THAT SHE MAY POSSIBLY LIKE ME TOO, BUT I'VE NEVER SPOKEN ON THE SITUATION OUT OF FEAR THAT I MIGHT POSSIBLY RUIN MY FRIENDSHIP WITH HER. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE WE BOTH MAY POSSIBLY BE SHARING SIMILAR FEELINGS, BUT BOTH OF US ARE NERVOUS TO ADMIT IT TO ONE ANOTHER OUT OF FEAR THAT THE OTHER PERSON MIGHT NOT FEEL THE SAME, YA KNOW? ON TOP OF THAT, I THINK THAT I'M AFRAID TO ADMIT MY FEELINGS FOR NOT JUST THE FACT THAT I'M AFRAID IT MIGHT HURT THE FRIENDSHIP, BUT ALSO BECAUSE SHE WAS MY FRIEND'S EX AT ONE POINT IN TIME.
WHAT MAKES ME WONDER ABOUT MY FRIEND IS THAT IT SEEMS LIKE SOMETIMES, FOR NO REASON, HE'LL ENCOURAGE ME TO TALK TO HER, HE'LL TRY TO ANYWAY. HE WAS DOING THIS WAY BEFORE I EVEN STARTED HAVING FEELINGS FOR HER. WHY WOULD A FRIEND ENCOURAGE IS FRIEND TO TALK TO HIS EX? THIS IS A VERY ODD SITUATION FOR ME. LOL. HE'LL SAY THINGS LIKE "MAN, YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER" OR "I THINK SHE LIKES YOU" AND NUMEROUS OTHER THINGS. WITH HIM DOING THIS, WOULD IT BE WRONG FOR ME TO ADMIT MY FEELINGS TO HER?
ANOTHER THING I'M WORRIED ABOUT IS THE POSSIBILITY OF HURTING MY FRIENDSHIP WITH MELISHA. WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS ALL THIS TIME AND HAVE BEEN CALLING EACHOTHER BROTHER AND SISTER FOR YEARS NOW. WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I ADMIT MY FEELINGS TO HER?
David
Whenever you date a friend you run the risk of losing the friendship. Randy threatened her he'd kill himself if she broke up with him? Randy needs to get some help, that isn't the way a healthy normal person behaves. It's not a surprise he's acting "odd."
I think in the long run it's always best to be honest with everyone about your feelings.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THINGS TRANSPIRED BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. RANDY'S GOT A FAMILY OF HIS OWN NOW AND EVERYTHING. LOL.
SEEING AS THOUGH HE WAS TRYIN TO ENCOURAGE ME TO SPEAK TO HER WAY BEFORE MY FEELINGS FOR HER EVER START COMING, WOULD IT BE WRONG FOR ME TO TRY TALKING TO HER LIKE THAT, YA KNOW, RELATIONSHIP WISE?
OVERALL, SHOULD I JUST TELL MELISHA HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER?
got a question here..
I liked her ex for some time,, and after they broke up he started making moves on me. I just got out of a relationship with a sweet boy who i cheated on twice. Id like to explain that more but its not about that now. My heart was broken when we broke up and somewhere there is still a piece missing. But then i hooked up with her ex and she really was cool with it,, because she hated his guts. I thought he really liked me, but as it turns out he only liked me for a little pleasure. Again my heart was broken. So some time ago i went out with her and my best friend, and i met a really nice guy. Who happened to be her ex too! I didnt know untill a week ago. And we had been texting alot by then. When i asked her about how she felt about me texting with him so much she told me; yeah see for u self. and i said ur not ok? please tell me. And she said; No i am not okay. when u went with my other ex it was cool, But this guy is my friend and he is so close with me. SO i said to her i never dated him we just texted. and dont even know what he is like. he texted me in 6 days 50 times.. i think that he could like me if we dated, But now i feel like she doenst even give me the change to get to know him. Like she is telling me yes u can date him, but dont expect me to be ur friend then anymore. So my question., what should i do in this position?
Lis,
I think you should not date him. I don't think you're so into him that it's worth the strain your friend is obviously telling you that you will be creating if you do. She was understanding about you and her first ex, and you're still recovering from the guy you cheated on. And you're still burned by her first ex kinda using you. So you're kinda raw right now anyway. It sounds to me like you've been a good friend to her - you've been honest and upfront. And in return she's been a good friend back. She's been honest, and non-judging. And she was cool with the one situation. And now she's telling you this situation is not so cool.
I would value that kind of friendship you two seem to have. My advice is to stay away from this guy before you start feeling things and make it complicated. Pick your friend.
ok so my best friend dated ths guy for a week and then they broke up she didnt even like him that much and then he saw me and liked me and i liked him too. so aywayz my question is what to do if we like each other and he is my best friend's ex and how to tell her that i like him?
Ruba,
If she didn't like him so much to begin with, you probably don't have too much to worry about here. But you still need to tell her first, that's just the right thing to do. Just tell her you like him, you think he likes you, and would she mind if you tried to get to know him better? That's all.
My best friend and I both have girls, but sometimes my girl will fight with me irrationally and makes me wonder if she sees a future with me, and my friend doesn't respect his girl enough and it makes me feel as though his girl and I are a better match.
Those kind of situations suck.
Marcus,
Yes they do.
Be a good man, the kind of man your mother would be proud of. And you have nothing to worry about. The sucky situations will work out. And you'll be ok.
the only reason i dated my best friends ex is because of what bob initialy said....("Dude, Marla's a total bitch, why don't you jump that grenade for me so I can cut the strings?") ......i did t because i essentially thought it was an unattached gift....but as soon as i found out this was not the case and that my friend (who has clearly moved on) actually had serious feelings 4 this girl in the past, i recognized i had betrayed the friendship. Funny enough we have pbably passed through the same girls sometime in the past but it was never a issue....but once it comes to a "ex" or some1 you even remotely cared about I DEFINATELY THINS ITS A NO NO!
i've read all the comments but i still cant make up my mind...i respect my friend alot but i also like his 'ex' and she likes me as well...and this friend is the 3.a.m type too...i've also known the his ex for quite a long time now..
the thing is that both of them are close 2 me..so isit better if i just leave things be and keep both?or go after his ex ?
I would feel realy bad if i pursue his ex but i'm afraid i would regret it if i dont...
Me and my ex-bff are no longer friends ovisley, that is b/c she dated my ex
hey, i feel kind of stupid going to a website for this but i think i need the advice from someone who has no bias about the situation. i was in a pretty terrible relationship with a guy that ended more than a year ago. i broke up with him and it was probably the best thing i've ever done. i had no remorse about breaking up with him because i really couldn't stand the guy anymore, and i quickly fell into a relationship that is the complete opposite of the one i had been in, and i could not be happier with him. anyways, this ex-boyfriend was still hanging around because i had unfortunately brought him into my group of friends while we were dating. when i was home for the summer, one of my friends started calling me less, and when i'd call her she was always with him. i had the suspicion something was going on, but i always thought "no, she wouldn't do that." i was still pretty hurt that this friend (whom i have been friends with since i was in grade school) seemed to be putting me on the back burner to hang out with my ex, but i still tried to spend time with her even if it meant seeing him, just because i value our friendship so much. well, i recently found out that she and my ex had been dating for nearly a year, and she had never told me or even tried to tell me. i am really hurt because he spread rumors about me when we were together, spread rumors about her and the rest of my friends, and lied to me about so many things it's hard to keep track. i have been in a great relationship since breaking up with this ex, and things just keep getting better. there are so many good things going on in my life, i don't want to be angry about this silly thing, but sometimes it is hard not to be. i guess "i'm not mad, i'm just disappointed" is a good phrase in this situation. it is just hard to imagine that she could forgive this guy and all the things he did to me. i was already uncomfortable with them being friends, and to find out she was dating the guy the whole time seems like too much. would it be immature of me to step to the side while she's in the relationship and keep her out of my life? i told her i don't want to lose her as a friend and obviously she can do whatever makes her happy, but i have to do what makes me happy too! this is her first boyfriend (and we are in college) so maybe she just can't understand what i am feeling? i am just confused.
Wendy,
I think it's pretty clear your concern is for your friendship with this girl. It's clear you're over this ex, and you've moved on. It's unclear to you though why she hasn't. There is such a sadness and confusion to your Words: How could she forgive this guy, and be with him, after knowing better...
It's not at all immature for you to let her go. It's the opposite. It's insightful and mature. It seems it causes you pain and sadness to be in this frienship. Rather than have a blow up and wind up hating each other, you're considering just walking away right now.
It's not like you're saying you want to burn the bridge. And I'm impressed by that. Letting things drift is a better thing, because eventually she may really need a friend to pick up the pieces when this guy reminds her of his true colors.
Let it go. Don't call, don't text, don't email. If she does, use the 3 to 1 rule: Only reply to one out of every 3 messages. No confrontations, just that simple, - been busy, talk to ya soon.
It's kind of a way to end things for now, and give you your freedom from this disrepsect and non-friend friendship. But it leaves her knowing she can reach you if she really needs to. She was a friend, she's not now. Maybe she will be again.
Good luck with this, Wendy.
hi, I've read all the comments. I hope you can help me guys. Me & my ex bf broke up for 2yrs. and the reason was i think is a long distance affair wont work. We are 4months on going our relationship when he left the country to work abroad. Our relationship at first are ok (i.e. chatting, calls and sending e-mails) but after 6months I felt that there something wrong with us, when I called him his voice is not ok and he always tell me that I will col u but he didn't call me back. I text again and ask whats happening with him, if there is a problem or what, but there is no reply from him. After a month I decided to call him but he always tell me that he will col me, he hang me 4 a few weeks and I was thingking whats happening with him, so I decided to call him again to make it final. I ask him again whats wrong with him, if there is anything problems pls. tell me. I ask him if you find someone over there pls. tel me & after a minute he told me that he has a girl but from the other country. My heart was broken that time and I cried and the next day, he text me " im so sorry to risk you for someone". so, it was the end of our relationship. After a few days, he texted me and said, how I you and his trying to call me but i cancelled his call. I texted him at Im fine w/o him in my life then he texted me back and tell that "it good for you are happy, me i feel homesick & sad". His contract was 2 years & with in two years, we still have communication thru e-mail only. I left the country also going to singapore to work there and that time is the time his contract was finish. I try to focus my self on my work & i met a new and we become lovers. After a year my ex bf also go to singapore to work there also and he send me an e-mail that he's in the Singapore now and he wanted to see me but I refuse to see him, I only give my contact no. I told me that he still love me and he want me to leave my bf & got marry to him but im afraid his telling the truth. I told him that his not serious & its not so easy. I was joking that i told him, i will give him the contact no. of 1 of friend, i just want to try him but it seems that his really interested to my friend and i ask my friend if it is ok with her if i will give her no. to my ex and she's only the 1 of all my friend who says ok. Then my ex started to call her and they meet after 1week, my friend texted me after they meet. That time my ex called me and inform that he meet my friend. On the 1st meet my friend told me that my ex ask her if he can court her but my friend answer is i will ask my friend 1st. I didnt expect that it will be like this. Then they go out every sunday. Im not jelous with them but I feel mad with them especially to my ex because he continue to court my friend and also to my friend i didnt expect her to continue seeing my ex. My friend also invited my ex to have a dinner date for us (i.e. me & my bf, my ex & her) at 1st i dont want to come over there but i dont want them to think that i am affected. That was the 1st again to see my ex after 2yrs. I feel a little bit ackward on that day. After that he never call me again and they are still dating with my friends.
Wow! a lot of great comments here. I hope no one calls me anything bad. But I feel that dating a friends ex is completely out of the question?! I am extremely cautious of those I call my friends. I only have a few friends and many, many acquaintances. I know that I personally hold my friends (and family of course - that is another great hub idea!) above anyone else. I am a strong believer in Karma and simply feel that it is indecent - for me to do that.
However, I do know people who have had great, long relationships. I actually have friends who are dating my ex's. They are beautiful people and have discovered their true love. I will also never stand in the way of that. what a great article and interesting opinions.
I broke up with my bf like a day ago and in the morning he was already going out with my mate. I felt really angry at him and i dont no why and i dont no if i should be. Can anyone help?
Becky
Well that certainly is poor form - not even a day to recoop, and he's with your mate?
One of two things is going on with him. One is that this was a way to get back at you. either, show you that he doesn't care by having a new gf so fast, and one you'd really be upset over. Or a way to stay close to you, show you what you're missing.
Or, he's always had a thing for this friend of yours and moved right along, proving you were right to end it wiht him since he's a snake.
Yes, you broke up with him so he is free to do what he wants. But a relationship ending, even if you're the one ending it, has a mourning process to it. You have a right to be angry, and hurt. And it doesn't mean you have any feelings for him.
Also, what the hell is wrong with your mate?? Not a very good mate there, if you ask me. And, you asked me. So there's my take on it Becky. Good riddance to both of them.
I think if it's been long enough and your friend is over him/her and you make your intentions known, it might be OK. I wouldn't advise just fooling around, but if there is a possibility of something real, I'd risk it. Just communicate with everyone and respect the decency of healing time. I would think it odd to ban my friends from everyone I've ever dated - that really limits the dating pool, a more and more serious problem the older you get, unfortunately.
So even though this post is extremly old. I have to hope someone is still checking and can give me some advice.
I normally wouldn't date my friends ex. Especially if she really liked him and was totally devasted by the break up. In this situation, I am not sure if these 2 people ever really dated, or even if she considers him her ex.
So, I have known my roommate for 3yrs. We've only been roommates for 1 year and "3am" type of friends for about 1 1/2 yrs. Approx 5 yrs. ago she was involved with a guy I'm interested in now. At that time, we weren't friends she was just someone I knew,( because our social scene isnt' that large here) I've always been interested in this guy and everytime I would bring him up to her she would just say, he has alot of baggage or he has kids (child support). She never mentioned if they were involved or dated.
Now after secretly going on some dates, I am in a strange predicament. I like him and I want to see where it goes. He doesn't want me to say anything to my r-mate because he thinks it would really upset her. (I want to say something to her because , I don't think she cares. Since him she been engaged to another man and dated plenty of other men.
Do I just wait to see what happens or get it all out in the open? I don't want to upset him by telling her and making things awkward. At the same, time I don't want to feel like I'm sneaking around and hiding things.
Kurious Kitten,
I check on all of my HUBS every day, new or older. Like this one, the info is "timeless." I'm so glad you commented.
The guy you're secretly seeing put you in a very curious situation, asking you not to say anything to your roommate. That, to me, should be the focus of your concern. That's a major flag to me, no matter what the circumstances are. Whenever any guy tells you not to tell anyone you're dating, or not to tell a specific someone you're dating... there is a real problem.
I really get the feeling your roommate would be ok with your dating the guy. It certainly sounds like she had moved on, and doesn't even talk about him as an ex.
If I were you, i would tell the roommate immediately. I would want to get to the bottom of why the guy wants you to be secretive and "avoid upsetting someone" which is always kind-of a bullshit line. I would do it as if you're going to her as a 3am friend, more than a confession. I would tell her, you're dating this guy, and he said not to tell her. I'd see how that goes over. I'd tell her, as much as you like him, she's proven to be a 3 am friend, and you have no idea why he wants to be secretive, and it's made you feel very weird.
If she does express upset over it, at least you've gotten things out into the open relatively early. The longer you keep a secret, the worse it gets. Point out that she had never said he was an ex. Had she said he was an ex and she still had feelings for him, you would have handled this differently. But even though that's your outclause, don't put her on the defensive. Let her know the last thing you wanted was for her to be upset, and you're very sorry she feels that way. Be prepared for that, but I really doubt that's the way this will go. I really think if you go to her as a friend, she will be a friend, and let you know why he wants to be on the down low.
I hope you'll check back and let us know what you decide, and how it goes. Good luck to you.
Hi Veronica, I've just read your article and you give some really sound advice. I would really value your opinion on a particular predicament ive found myself in..
I know this girl, we'll call her "Mary" and she has more or less always been in my group of friends since we all grew up together and went to school together in a very small town. I'm now 22. While we were good friends as kids, we really just drifted apart and had a very sketchy friendship in school- i began to really not like her as she used to make little digs at me and put me down alot. She was friends with all my closest friends and i just couldnt make a deal of it. She was practically bullying me psychologically and i think there was some jealousy there too. Anyways, this went on for some years and we didn't really talk at all. We had one or two very heated fights on nights out when we were both drunk (i dont like confrontation but i just hated her so much at the time).
In the past year or so, we've kind of put our differences aside (i think). At last there seems to be peace in our group of friends. Although i am friendly with her when we meet eachother out at parties etc and we have mutual friends, she still wouldnt be a "3am girl" that you describe. In fact, i would never really ring her.
So, to get to the point! I was out on Saturday night with my best friend and her new boyfriend. Her new boyfriend's friend turns out to be Mary's ex. They've only broken up a couple of months. I would never have talked to Mary about their relationship before as we weren't close enough to share these kind of details. I would have only met them as a couple on maybe 2 or 3 occassions and very briefly. However, the first time i saw her ex i really fancied him. I didn't think anymore about it though. Until last saturday night!...
I ended up back at a house party with my best friend, her boyfriend, and Mary's ex. He had been flirting with me all night and i tried so hard to resist from flirting back. I really clicked with him and we shared some good laughs. It was about 6 in the morning and everyone had gone to bed. He started to cuddle me and i told him i couldnt do this to Mary. He didnt care. I told him id go into another room because i was afraid of what i might do. He convinced me to stay with him and i could feel myself really falling for him. We kissed. The guilt really got to me. So i left the room where he was and went to sleep on the couch.
Ive been feeling so guilty since, and even more guilty because i really think i might like this guy. I told my best friend last night and she told me not to worry about it, that it was just a mistake, i stopped my tracks and if Mary doesnt find out, it'll be ok and forgotten about. However, i couldnt tell my best friend how much i really like him. I dont know what to do. If i meet him out again (which i undoubtedly will) i know ill find it hard to resist his charms. Even though Mary isnt a "3am"friends, we have mutual friends and i dont want to break the peace in the group. So sorry about how long this is!
Would really like some sound advice...
Dearest Helter,
Fuck Mary.
I mean, seriously. She hasn't been a friend, let alone a 3 am friend. Your whole concern is basically keeping the peace of your mutual friends. If none of them are jumping up and saying they're completely uncomfortable and you've put everyone in a terrible position, then why are you worried about that? Even if they were bothered, I would still say fuck Mary. She bullied you, she really isn't a friend you should be concerned about.
Social groups have a tendency toward maintaining the status quo. If you are cool and Mary's ex is cool, they will be cool. If Mary freaks, it will be Mary that makes them uncomfortable, not you. If you really like this guy, go for it.
Mary will find out eventually. And so what. What's she going to do? Make the group feel uncomfortable? That's your opportunity to say - "Why can't she just be mature, it's not like her and I are friends." You're not doing anything wrong, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
Thanks for the comment. I hope you'll keep us posted.
Hi Veronica. I had just written you a big comment back and my computer disconnected so i dont think it sent! I just just want to say thank you so much for your impartial, truthful advice. You've really put my mind at ease. Im studying for really important exams that ill be sitting in a few weeks and this was bothering me as i kept getting distracted by it when studying.
I totally agree with you that Mary has never been a proper friend to me, let alone a 3am friend. She really treated me like shit for a good few years and ill never forget that. I guess i just felt so bad because she had been making a good effort with me in the past year and i had decided to give her a second chance. But ill never forget the hurt she caused me at school. I used to cry to my mum about her. Nobody noticed it because she was so clever in the way she bullied me, so subtle.
Ive decided im going to focus on getting me exams over the next fews weeks and put all this boy trouble out of my mind! If, after my exams i meet him out, we'll see what happens. He's the first guy ive properly liked since i had a bad breakup about 3 years ago. Never thought id find a guy like my ex. But on saturday night i just felt like i clicked with this guy, properly clicked. I'm not going to rush into things though, i reckon he may still have feelings for Mary (god knows why, maybe she bullied him too!) and i certainly dont want to get involved if that's the case. I think he likes me but isn't up for anything serious after his recent breakup. I'm going to give it a bit of time and see what happens.
Thank you again so much Veronica. I have many great friends to talk to but i much prefer an impartial voice, a reasoned voice in these situations. I'll let you know how things go. You're great at helping people with their problems, your friends must be very lucky to have you.
Thank you.
I've just read through some of your material on your website lonelyroadandpsychopaths. You're a VERY talented writier Veronica. Ever thought about writing a book? You write with such truth.
Helter,
You were concerned about Mary because of several things: you're a nice person, you want to do the right thing, but I think the big reason judging by your Words is that you did not want to upset the dynamic of your group.
I was careful of that as I gave my advice. I would like you to think about this though. While it's admirable to consider your friends' feelings, I hope that you will not allow fear of upsetting the status-quo get in the way of your journey. Trying to fit in, trying to maintain the "approval" of peers can often be subconscious. And sometimes while seeking that acceptance you have to pay too big a price in sacrificing who you are or what you want in life. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. I'm just pointing out that a good deal of the Wording you gave dealt with your friends. It's just something to be aware of.
I would love to write a book. If you know an agent, send the fucker my way.
Thanks for reading www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com. I hope you'll be back.
Well here is my story.....
- one night my friends ex [Bob] my friend [Sally] her lover [Tommy] and I [daisy] were at a little party we had a water and a food fight ...everybody was having a good time since i had given Bob a ride to the party he came home with me I was tired so in the car i layed my head on his shoulder when we finally got at my house it was like around 10:00pm we went to my backyard on a trampoline ...we layed down...it was quiet...&& since he got some haircut he wouldnt take off his hat so i was trying to take it off him and wen i finally got it ...got to the side...and we kissed
The night went good we were laying down looking up at the stars thing were calm it was jus tha fact that he is my friends ex.
The other thing is that I went out with Bob's friend...Tom so Bob and I are basically in the same position.
Right we are currently friends with benefits but the thing is with me that I don't really like sharing and he does have other friends with benefits.Bob and Sally are the only ones that know about whats going on but u know how that saying goes "Sooner or later people will find out" THHATS WHAT scares me i dont know what to do im really confused I want to be with him but my friend and his friend && people are going to start talking trash
This article is sooo helpful!!
im still dreading telling my mate about me and her ex though, shes obsessed with him still, and shes gona pull out all the stops i think, the whole "pick me or him" thing
and im dreading it
any advice?
ok,well i have this friend and she told me that she really likes my ex,after i told her i had feelings for him,and she is one of my good friends and everytime i see her all she talks about is him,but we went out for a loooonnnng time like 8 monthes! so is that ok for her to do?
Im the ex-girlfriend who is bestfriends with my ex, and I could watch him date "anyone" with no issue. I've even be-friended some of his girlfriends since me that have came & went. That was what I thought up until I introduced my female friend to him and she immediately asked me if it was okay for her to get his number? Its very easy as the ex girlfriend to feel obligated to accept the friends feelings for your ex. First, we have confided in each other alot and I know she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve normally and is usually pretty cynical when it comes to dating! I of course want to see her happy (even tho I know my ex is still quite the player). And on a more selfish note I dont want to sound like I'm not over him or posessive! Especially in my case where we've been broken up for a few years and remained friends while dating others. It's hard enough to get new love interests & old friends that once saw you in love, to understand that you aren't secretly harboring feelings for each other. So I said that I didnt care what she did, they were both adults after all! (secretly thinking: she must be joking!! wat kinda friend are you?) But truthfully... No matter how much closure there may be between us its VERY awkward to have a friend try and date my ex. For me it was more irritating that she compared herself to me, in that physically we're kind of the same so she was more assured that he'd be attracted to her and we have the same ideals so they "should" get along since he & I dated & lived together for so long (3yrs) and still cared enough to remain close friends. It was like she used my relationship and what all I had confided in her about to, sort of try & win him over. She would ask me questions about what he liked or didnt like and how should she approach him etc. Soon it seems the only time she talks to me is to ask about him or to find herself invited to wherever she thought he would be. I was stuck in between my territorial side & wanting to be a good friend to everyone. My ex immediately confided in me about my friends actions & told me he really wasn't interested in her and (secretly glad) I told him how uncomfortable it made me & how I felt she was almost using our friendship to get close to him-- I have no problem being frank with him, after all Ive known him 10yrs. He gave me a a weak attempt to convince me of his disinterest in her but lately I've found that they are hanging out-- without me. Going on little trips with a group of my friends but without including me. I feel totaly kicked to the side lines & Im no longer sure where loyalties lie. Im ready to disassociate myself with the both of them, it beats pretending Im oblivious. This "not dating your friends ex" has been an unspoken rule for a long time for good reason!!! Sure there are some situations where its okay, but if it is at all uncomfortable, or you have the slightest bit of doubt that it's going to ruin a friendship that you care about-- back away cautiously!! Its a messy situation if handled improperly & if you're really friends a bit of lust cant be worth the risk!!
Hi everyone, just tuned in and read the comments posted 2 years ago about dating an ex. I am really keen on a guy I work with and I think he likes me we have spent time together and really enjoy each other's company. Problem is, his friend is my ex. My ex and I also work together and we were together for 2 years but broke up over a year ago. I broke it up as it just wasn't right and the guy I'm keen on knows that my ex took the break up hard. I guess it's crazy to think the guy I like will ever ask me out, right??
I had it happen to me a few months back. My best bro decided to hook up with my ex-fiancé. Everything would have been cool if me and the ex didn’t have such a crappy break up. After sending letters to my family and friends, my ex tried to basically ruin my life. Then a few months later, my boy stopped talking to me so much and I find out a few months later he’s hooked up with her! She is a vicious person, and he will find out the hard way. By that time though, I’m not sure if we can get back on the same stage of friendship. Me and the ex were together three plus years, after the breakup she moved back to her home state. I hope he’s happy man, I feel like I got a 20 inch blade stabbed into my back! But on a positive note, I hooked up with an old friend from high school and everything is wonderful! She is a dream, and I'm happy the ex got out of my life. I just wish the best friend would wise up!
okay.. so I've read the article and most of the comments and I'm trying to figure out what to do in my situation but i just can't make a decision.
My friend isn't really a friend of my choice... our families are friends.. they have been friends since i was born... she resently dated a guy and they broke up.. about 5 months ago. This boy and I have been speaking quite a bit lately and spending much time together. I am only 16 and i have dated a few guys but have never had this feeliong of wanting to spend all this time with someone. I am head over heels for him. I know its not love but it could possibly be a start. I have attempted to talk to her about it but she wont listen. she said that if i even thought about him in that way.. she would drop me as a friend. Really, i really think that if she was a true friend.. that she would at least listen to what i had to say.. but she didn't.. so really i would rather lose our friendship then him.. but my problem now is that if i do.. the families may be effected. I do not want something that i do to ruin a friendship of my parents. Im just really confused.. and i really like this guy and im scared that im not going to get my chance to be happy with someone. any advice Veronica?? :S i really need it right now???
Ashley V,
Have you talked to your mom, or whomever it is in your family that has a friendship with these people? Unfortunately you're right: if you date this boy it may cause a major rift in the families.
If you don't get together with this boy I'm positive you will still have your chance to be happy. But if this boy is really that important and you just have to do this, remember that the real source of pain in these situations is often the dishonesty. Keeping it a secret is like lying.
Tell your family, warn them of what's going on. And then tell this girl. At the very least you will have handled the situation with as much respect and dignity as you could.
It definitely can be a challenge when dating a friend's ex from people I know and their experiences. In one case, best friends don't speak anymore but you have to weigh what is going to make you happiest.
The whole "I'm where you were when you met him" Is inspired.
I'm seeing my mates ex, I'm going to approach the subject with him over drinks tonight, he doesn't have a good word to say about her.
Regardless full disclosure is the only way forward, and im glad found this article to give me a sense of perspective.
Nice one.
That is true Mary, but in my situation things were different. My Ex went out of her way to ruin my life. She sent a letter to my parents, to my close friends, neighbors, and members of my non-profit organization (VFW) She maliciously put itching powder in my clothes, wrote nasty notes all over the house, hid some of my belongings etc. After doing this, I was thankful she was out of my life and I was happy she was back in her home state. I took solace in knowing I could lean on my best friend during those tough times. Me and the best friend grew closer and he supported my decision. Everything was back to normal in my life and then I found out my best friend was going to North Carolina to visit my ex. I didn’t think much of it; they were friends when we were together. I simply thought it was a friendly reunion. Months later, they were visiting each other a lot more frequently and I confronted him about their relationship. He came clean and said he had feelings for her and they were dating. I had to go to him; he didn’t come to me about anything. That’s mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 is he let his relationship with her override our friendship. To date, he has very little contact with me and has a lot of opinionated things to say about my fiancée and her family. He isn’t the friend I used to have and that’s fine, he made that decision.
That is true Mary, but in my situation things were different. My Ex went out of her way to ruin my life. She sent a letter to my parents, to my close friends, neighbors, and members of my non-profit organization (VFW) She maliciously put itching powder in my clothes, wrote nasty notes all over the house, hid some of my belongings etc. After doing this, I was thankful she was out of my life and I was happy she was back in her home state. I took solace in knowing I could lean on my best friend during those tough times. Me and the best friend grew closer and he supported my decision. Everything was back to normal in my life and then I found out my best friend was going to North Carolina to visit my ex. I didn’t think much of it; they were friends when we were together. I simply thought it was a friendly reunion. Months later, they were visiting each other a lot more frequently and I confronted him about their relationship. He came clean and said he had feelings for her and they were dating. I had to go to him; he didn’t come to me about anything. That’s mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 is he let his relationship with her override our friendship. To date, he has very little contact with me and has a lot of opinionated things to say about my fiancée and her family. He isn’t the friend I used to have and that’s fine, he made that decision.
People don't "OWN" people. If it is someone's ex - who cares! I'm sorry, but if people feel a connection and wish to act on it - they should have the right to go for it. Everyone is responsible for their life - they should do what makes them happy and not worry about everyone else. Life is short - you have to take chances if you feel there is something to take a chance on - regardless of ex's, etc.
People don't "OWN" people. If it is someone's ex - who cares! I'm sorry, but if people feel a connection and wish to act on it - they should have the right to go for it. Everyone is responsible for their life - they should do what makes them happy and not worry about everyone else. Life is short - you have to take chances if you feel there is something to take a chance on - regardless of ex's, etc.
What a brilliant article.
I need to tell an old friend (we no longer talk or hang out) i'm seeing her ex. More out of courtesy really, and because i'd expect the same if the roles were reversed.
However, i am absoulutely terrified. They broke up on good terms a couple of years ago so i'm not expecting a backlash of abuse. I am just really, really dreading it.
Please can someone advise me on how not to be a chicken and just tell her!
x
In my situation, it was a bitter break up and she tried to ruin my life by sending letters to my family, friends, etc. You need to tell your friend as soon as possible. My friend never told me and I found out through other means, which made me even more aggravated. My friend wasn’t up front with me, making me question his truthfulness. Coming clean and being upfront is the best way to go, and hurry up before your friend finds out. And understand that your friend will likely never want to hang out with you when her ex is around.
I've been curious for a 3rd point of view on my situation.
My ex and I dated for 3 years, I lived with him for a year and a half. I made friendships with his circle of friends. When the breakup came, it was mutual, we both shared our tears and our misses. But it seemed to me that we both needed a change.
2 weeks later I heard from a little birdie that my ex took home some of my friends (on different occasions) and ended up sleeping with them. I in all honesty, didn't care too much. My ex and I agreed on being friends. We continued to chat or talk on the phone, he would ask for advice from me etc on whatever he wanted to talk to me about. As a few more weeks past, he told me he was seeing other girls and that I should start seeing again. He told me he wanted me to be happy even if I may have that chance of encounter with a friend of his.
Well... 5 weeks after my ex and I broke up, I bumped into one of his friends(they weren't close but they hung out to go to the bar and drink or chill sometimes). We started talking and exchanging texts. I never told me ex only because I knew what could possibly come of it. I slowly would ask some questions to my ex about "if" a situation came up like how it did, how would he feel about it? about his friend? ... and he still came out and said he would be fine with it.
I ended up telling him a few days afterwords. I prepared for the worst. He got mad, when he found out who it was. This was all between me and my ex, I didn't tell anyone else. His ex-friend, did talk to him after I did not right away but he did. and things didn't work out with them.
2 months later, the ex was still a little angry (which understand completely)things were quiet amd then blew the whole situation out of proportion, was drama. This one girl, a mutual friend of my ex and his friend, decides to butt into this whole thing, only the man above would know why she such a snoop. She has her own life going on, with a husband and two kids. but by checking out my ex's friend's phone bill( which was at his sisters apartment). and stirs things up by telling everyone how much of a whore I am to be talking to his friend. She ended up manipulating the whole situation and filled my ex up with all this b.s. about me and his ex-friend. My ex and I could tell each other things and we talked about this whole situation maturely. Until her nosy little ass came around the corner.
Super Long! sorry guys and all comments are appreciated. Opinons only
Wow, that is a completely different situation. If you and the ex ended the relationship on good terms and he acted as if you dating his friend was no big deal he should have no problems, especially if you and the ex ended the relationship peacefully. In my opinion, the way the ex acted during the breakup determines the amount of hostility and anger both should have towards each other. If everything ended well, then move on and keep trucking. If it ended like WWIII then bring out the battle axes and let’s go to war.
Alpha36
I guess it is a little different situation, after reading my post again. Thank you for your feedback, it was helpful!
Ok someone please help me with this!! First of all before i tell you this i am a 24 yr old male.(I still have a lot to learn!)
A good friend of mine has been on-off with this girl for years. She treats him awful and keeps cheating on him. When my friend is with this girl he completely forgets me and our other mutual friends. When they break up he comes back to me crying and it takes him ages to get over it.
So anyway, the last time she dumped him he came back in a terrible state as usual crying his heart out and i warned him if he got back with ever again i could no longer be friends with him ( i just could not deal with this all the time!)
So that was fine he accepted that and everything was going great they were broken up for about 6 months and we were closer than ever! And then he started dating this new girl(i'll call her miss S)...THIS IS WHERE IT GOT CRAZY!
The new girl he was seeing and I immediately clicked! I got on with her better than any girl ever in my entire life. she's just amazing.
Now my friend didnt like how well we were getting on and asked me not to hang out with her unless he was there, which i agreed to,BUT about a week later this amazing girl stopped dating him because he was still texting his horrible ex telling her he loves her.(I should point out he and miss S dated for 3 months)
So when they stopped dating like a couple of days later he got back with the ex who always breaks his heart. And as per my arrangement with him i have cut all ties (hardest thing i've ever had to do)
He is still with this nasty cheating girl and they are telling anyone who will listen that they're madly in love and this time its gonna work out.
Since then the amazing girl (miss S) he dated has contacted me and told me she really likes me and has since we first met( which i kinda figured). I really like her too, and even though i dont talk to the friend anymore i still feel guilty for liking her does that make sense??
Surely i shouldn't care what he thinks since he thought so little of our friendship and got back with his ex.
I'm so confused by this whole situation i hope someone can help me with this because i could really see myself being happy with this girl but is it the right thing to do??
Well I still have a hard time with this one. A girl that I THOUGHT was one of my best friends ended up going out with my first love after I had gotten married. Even though I was married it still seemed strange to me and i even felt a bit betrayed, ok well ALOT betrayed. I'm over the boyfriend, no doubt, and honestly I just think he did that to get back at me for getting married who knows. All I know is that it hurt that my best friend would do that. I mean, she was the one that I would cry to and tell EVERYTHING to about this guy. I even gotten pregnant over him and cried to her and her mother because my first love and my parents wanted me to have an abortion! I think it's different if someone were in a really really close and loving relationship like me that guy. if it would have been someone else like someone i just dated for lets say a couple of weeks or so, then yea, i probably wouldnt have been upset. But I truly loved this guy at that time and like i said i would cry to her about him so when she layed on the news and told me she was seeing him hell yea i got hurt. I didnt let her know of course I acted like i didnt care. Needless to say, their relationship didnt last long at all - I'm sure I was on the back of their minds the whole time LOL
Im in a situation where a good friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend for a much younger girl who hes was cheating on her with...now im hanging out with my friends ex on a regular basis and we both are kind of into each other...my friend says he doesnt have a problem with us hanging out as long as we arent messing around....my consern is if he left her and was cheating, why does it matter whether or not i do anything with his ex....i need some insight on whether i should or shouldnt mess with the ex.
Devin,
Exactly. Why should it matter to him, if he was cheating on her, and has moved on to the other woman now anyway.
But the fact is, it does. He's let you know that it does. You need to be aware that if you become romantically involved with her, your friend is going to be upset, and it might be the end of the friendship. It's not that he's right, it's just the way he's making it be.
It's up to you what's more important to you - getting involved with her, or respecting your friend's wishes even though you may feel they are nonsensical or unfair. There is no right or wrong answer to that.
You can of course try reasoning with your friend. But usually that doesn't work. People can be oddly possessive about their ex's, no matter the situation.
If you decide to go for it with her, at least do it with dignity and tell your friend straight out. Don't sneak. There's no honor in that.
Ok so im back again....my issue this time is that im still hanging out with my friends ex but nothing is happening...she has told me that she is interested in me but it is too soon to do anything, which i totally agree with, but the real issue is that my friend has been ignoring me lately. He wont answer my calls or text messages, and i now found out from a different source that my friend is trying to distance himself from me. what the hell is going on?! any insight on this????
Perhaps your friend knows she's interested in you, and you're interested in her, and feels you should have come to him and been upfront about those feelings. Maybe he even suspects now through the perceived secrecy that something IS going on.
These emotions can be very toxic. If you want to salvage your relationship with your friend, go see him and tell him how you feel.
It really depends on the friend. If you were close to the friend and who you are and the circumstance. So many variables. I have friends who got together a few years after we were apart and it was no biggie. But I know people who have dated right after with a friend of a friend and they became mortal enemies.
I've got a dilemma.
One of my good girl friends just broke up with her boyfriend, who happens to be the guy I like. Her and i have a fairly good friendship, but at the same time, we don't talk all the time. I have a real problem with telling her that I like him, seeing as i liked him before and while they were dating.
What do I do?
Lys,
liking him and dating him are two different things. I don't think you have to say anything unless there's actually something to tell.
But if things between you and this guy are heading in that direction, then tell her. Honestly is the best policy, and the only way she can possibly respect and accept. It's not about who's right. It never comes to that when you're dealing with people's emotions.
A story from "the ex's" position, that I thought I'd share with anyone interested.
A year ago I dumped my boyfriend of two years after our relationship started getting strained and cold and I started developing strong feelings for my best friend who seemed to be there for me when my boyfriend wasn't.
My best friend was also friends with my boyfriend. When I dumped my boyfriend I admitted to him I had feelings for this other guy (at the time I thought it'd help make the break up permanent 'cause I was really sick of the fact that we kept breaking up then getting back together, although now I'm not too sure how wise it was for me to do that). My boyfriend told me he hoped it worked out between us because he didn't want our breakup to come to naught. He told me he had to tell my best friend how I felt about him because he really needed to talk to him about it, I wasn't too happy about that but I said he could if he thought talking with the guy about it would help him get through the breakup.
The boy in question made a move on me within a week, much to my delight.
However, I found out later that my boyfriend had - in his talk with my friend - given him permission to be with me but had requested that he gave him time to get over me first, as he didn't think he could handle it just then. My friend had responded with a fervent "I'm not gonna touch her, I'm not an asshole!"
My friend's popularity within our social circles plummeted, and I wasn't liked too much either. However, I was determined to make it work with him once he'd thrown me a bone, so insisted we stayed together. He refused to be official with me, though, and after the first couple of weeks (and the third time he'd said to my ex "it won't happen again, man, I swear!") he said it had to be kept secret that we were sleeping together so it wouldn't hurt my ex (or make him any less popular). By this point he and my ex had pretty much fallen out.
At the time I was horribly hurt that my friend wouldn't fight for me. That he wouldn't just turn round and go "Screw you lot, I want to be with this girl and I don't care what you think." This went on for months, no strings attached sex, me totally smitten with him while he'd still get off with other girls, him and my ex even made up before he finally just cut me off. And by cut me off I mean he didn't even say it was over, he just avoided me for weeks until I realised that our relationship, our very friendship was over forever.
I mainly think he was weak for constantly breaking his promises to my ex. He could have waited and been with me later when my ex wouldn't have cared so much any more, but instead he totally screwed his head up. And for what? He didn't even want to be with me properly. He was a rubbish friend AND a rubbish man.
Well, a few months after it was over with him I realised I was beginning to like my ex again and thought, a little older and a little wiser we might be able to make it work. After a while I won him back (and trust me, I am grateful for his forgiveness), but I had to admit to him how long it had gone on for between me and my friend. What hurt him most is that the guy had still been sleeping with me when my boyfriend had forgiven him and been friends with him again. Well, now my boyfriend has cut off his friendship with this boy for good, and says he's "scum". I'm not allowed to talk to him, either, which is fine by me to be honest. It's just that it makes things rather awkward as the guy's still good friends with our good friends, so we have to avoid a lot of social events. Which is annoying.
I guess what I want to say is that it will almost definitely make things tough between you and your friend if you go after their ex, you may fall out, they may hate you. And if any of this is likely then for GOD'S SAKE at least bother to get a good girl out of it instead of just a casual shag who ends up feeling like a total tramp and regretting ever liking you.
Lisa,
Thanks for sharing that. Your Ex/Current BF sounds like a good man. He was even a good man when you and he split and you admitted liking his friend. He asked for time but gave his blessing. He's really very mature and understanding. The friend is quite the dirtbag.
I've been reading around looking up all different topics to this question, but I still don't know what to do. My best friend met her boyfriend about a year ago and they started dating. Her boyfriend set me up with his bestfriend about a week later. So, I was dating his best friend, and he was dating mine. Both of our relationships lasted about 4 months, but my best friend's was a bit more..real. What I mean is, she and her boyfriend always spent time together, where as me and my boyfriend spend very little time actually together. So most of the time I was the third wheel. But I didn't care, because he too soon became like a best friend. And she was happy. She's like my sister and if she's happy, I'm happy.
Trouble is as I spent more time hanging out with the both of them, I came to develop more feelings toward him. He was like my buddy, I've honestly never felt more comfortable around a guy as I felt around him. I don't know exactly what happened, but I guess my ex convinced him to break up with my best friend to date someone else. I felt horrible for her, but then I was upset because I knew I was never going to see him again.
About 2 months later I get a text from him asking if he could possibly set my best friend and him back up. She said no, and then he confessed that he just wanted to get back with her to see me. When she found out he wanted to date me she flipped, she called me a backstabber, and a traitor. I felt horrible, and tried to explain that I didn't want to choose sides, and that I can't help who I like. I tried dating him, but I ended it after about 2 weeks because I couldn't take it..
I didn't hear from him for about 5 months, and now yesterday he started texting me again. All the feelings that I thought I pushed away came flooding back. I thought that I could forget him but I was wrong. Even though he really hurt my friend, I still can't help but to have feelings for him. Both of them mean a lot to me, and I really wish there was a way to resolve this without losing either of them. I gave my friend an honest answer when this issue first arouse. That if she wanted to date my ex, it would hurt me at first, but I'd deal with it. Because she'd be happy. It's the opposite with her.. I don't know what to do..
okay i feel rather ridiculous for having to do this, but i am sort of losing my mind.
i broke up with alex about 2 months ago.
we had been together for two years (we're 25yrs old btw).
i broke up with alex because as it turns out.. not such a faithful guy, that dude..
he confessed to cheating on me several times over the past year, and i just won't stand for that. i was heartbroken, but got over it, and am happy with my decision, because i feel that i deserve far more. (also, even when he wasn't cheating on me, retrospectively, he didn't treat me very well, not a lot of respect/appreciation/consideration, etc.) so yeah, i'm happy and settled in my decision.
now - i have been very close friends with one of alex's friends, sam, for awhile now - i'd say about 8-10 months. he's become one of my best friends, basically, even while alex and i were together we were very tight.
sam and i see each other a few times a week, and talk fairly regularly during the week. seeing him is the highlight of my days. he has always, always been incredibly considerate, genuine and kind toward me. he's been a wonderful friend. (he's been far better to me as a friend, than alex really ever was to me as a boyfriend, quite honestly). we have a rather special relationship, and feel very close to each other.
i would never ever have cheated on alex, but while we were together i did recognize that sam and i had much more in common and much more chemistry, than alex and i ever had. sam and i could sit and talk for hours on end, and we've always had this really freakishly odd sense of being in touch with one another. i know exactly what he's thinking, and vice versa..
recently sam and i have both come to the conclusion that we're basically sort of in love with each other. it's not just a 'you're hot, and nice, let's get together' type thing. it's a really deep feeling of love and respect for one another, and knowing that we each have similar goals and directions in our lives. we want the same things, and i can truly see ourselves being incredibly happy with a fulfilling relationship together.
now, really.. i feel that i personally do not owe alex anything. he cheated on me more times than i'd like to repeat, and so in that respect, i don't feel bad. however i do care about him as an individual and i worry that this will break his heart. since breaking up with him, he has "seen the light" (or you know, so he says for now) and i wants another chance to redeem himself. i have told him that will never happen - but the fact is, i know that's how he feels.. so i feel slightly guilty at the idea of me being happy with one of his friends, just thinking that.
(Note: not BEST friends, but yes, fairly good friends).
sam... i have never met someone who has understood me, and cared for me quite as deeply as he does. i can say nothing, and he understands. it's the type of in-touch ness that astounds me.
but i worry what will happen between sam and alex.. sam has said he doesn't feel that he can stand by and do nothing about his feelings, as they are not going away, and he cares about me too much to not want me in his life. i feel the same.
alex claims now that if i won't take him back, he just wants me to be happy, " no matter what"... although i assume he is not taking into consideration that i could be incredibly happy with his friend.
i feel like this COULD (with lots and lots of time?) be a situation where "never date a friend's ex" may not be the only answer.
(please note that although sam and i have mutually admitted to our feelings with each other, we have decided to not act upon them just yet. i feel that time is important, but will time fix all?)
Sarah,
It's very hard, and very rare, that a cheater changes his ways.
Alex says he has seen the light and wants to prove it to you, and if you won't take him back he wants you to be happy.
Two things come to my mind when I read that. Neither is that he wants you back.
One is that he is finding his redemption in taking this higher better road now. Guilty people tend to do things like that to make themselves appear better to others.
The other, is that he senses something up between you and Sam, and this is the perfect way to fuck with you and make you feel guilty, while he, the cheater, gets to look good and like the victim.
I've thought alot about these relationship subjects, read alot of comments and even more emails, and I truly believe that when you're dealing with a cheater, all bets are off.
He obviously didn't respect you if he cheated on you. Why on earth do you really give a shit what he thinks if you have found a potential partner in a friend of his? Fuck that. Sorry, but honestly that's what I think. Alex isn't your friend, no matter how mature and wonderful you are (and you seem like both), he will never be that mature or wonderful. I promise you, if he was really into one of your friends, he wouldn't hesitate.
If you hook up with Sam, Alex will get to play the wounded one, which he will love doing. Any time a cheater gets to pretend he's the victim, they play it to the hilt. So be prepared. Just don't buy into it.
The only variable I can see, is the friendship between Sam and Alex. As sympathetic as Sam probably is to you and what Alex put you through, Sam didn't experience it first person. He may see Alex in a clear light and deal with this well, but he may really have a tight bond with Alex. And guys have friendships that are different than ours, so we don't always understand and anticipate the bond that's there.
If I were you, i would leave this to Sam. I'd let Sam know how I feel and I would say, "Although I do not wish any hurt toward Alex, I really don't focus on his feelings: I focus on yours. Yours are my priority." Let him know you're OK with dealing with the fall out. And say it with a smile. Be supportive of him, and be patient as this will probably take him some time.
That's my advice, and here's my forewarning: when it comes down to it, Sam may choose his loyalty to Alex over his love for you. Just beware, you're worried Alex may be the odd man out. I'm more worried that it's gonna be you.
I've got a weird scenario. My friend fooled around with this one guy a bit last year. It was nothing serious, she could never figure out if they were dating or not, but it was really obvious that she liked him at the time. I'm not sure how it ended and I know they don't talk much now, but this girl is really REALLY insecure. Anyway, I'm completely smitten with her ex and unsure of what to do. Regardless of what she might actually feel towards him, I know she'd probably never speak to me again if I attempted to pursue my interests. Advice?
Bob says:
3 years ago
Allow me to address the question from a man's perspective. Can you date a friends ex while keeping your friend? The answer is an unequivocable "no." To do so would infringe on a central, though generally unspoken, aspect of male/female relationships: the tacit male-to-male understanding that women are chattel within a relationship context. Evidence of this understanding can be seen in the popularity of the "money shot" in porn, where men mark their territory much as dogs mark theirs. When your property (which, you grudglingly admit in moments of weakenss, enjoys some degree of free will - and this is difficult to superimpose on the chattel concept that men find so comforting) willingly goes to another owner, this brings about delusions of physical inadequecy that infect the id and spur the previous "owner" to prove his superiority to the new "owner" in other ways, such as beating the ever-living crap out of him. (i.e. comment directed to your former friend lying bloody in the gutter "How's that big weenie doing for you now, asshole?"
All men know that you simply don't steal, especially from a friend. The only way such dating can happen is if it is an unsolicited gift, freely given, - ("Dude, Marla's a total bitch, why don't you jump that grenade for me so I can cut the strings?") but presented as though the grantee is doing the grantor a favor. Even then you should expect a physical fight or three.