As a college senior, I have had a few years now to reflect on my relationship with my father, and the manner in which our relationship has evolved throughout my college years. Suffice to say, out interaction has changed immensely, as is to be expected when a young person spreads their wings. 

Granted, every kid's college experience is very different, as is every parent’s, but I’ve come across several sentiments that tend to recur on both sides. Tension is bound to arise, for example, during your college student’s first return home for break. Whether their return has disturbed your long-awaited peace and quiet (they’re back already?) or has shed a divine light on the lonely gloom of your empty nest, your instinct will inexorably be to revert to high school parenting mode.

Your impulse is understandable, but take heed. Your kids are now used to going to bed when they choose, selecting their own food in the dining hall, and cleaning their room on their own time, if at all. They are not used to telling you when they’ll be home or calling you when they arrive somewhere, and doing these things often feels like a regression for them. It’s not necessarily unreasonable of you to ask these things of your kids, but relaxing these rules will benefit you immensely. Choose the rules that have absolute priority for enforcement, and let some of them go. Be sure that your kid is aware of the rules that you have allowed to slacken, as a symbol of a small white flag, your acknowledgement of their increased independence.

I know it’s hard to concede some power in the parent-child dynamic, but exerting the same amount of authority over your kid as you did in high school will only exacerbate the situation. Some of the best advice I can give you is to see things from your kid’s shoes. Not just for an impatient second, but for a long moment, and sincerely enough to transport yourself to the time when you struggled for your own autonomy. Your kids have struggled for independence for ages, and in college they have finally been granted an unprecedented degree of self-government.

This doesn’t mean you are suddenly required treat them like a fully responsible equal, but you do need to treat them like a more independent adult. In retrospect, I see why this was difficult for my father to do. Heck, I was only in high school a few months ago, what had changed? The answer is, a lot. Whether or not your kid has risen to meet them, they have been handed a copious amount of new responsibilities, and by reaffirming their self-sufficiency you are better enabling them to handle these challenges.

Remember, parenting does not end at college, but rather a new form of parenting begins. These starry-eyed college students are still your children, and you must find a way to show them that you respect their choices, even their ability to make mistakes, while maintaining the foundation of your parental authority.You can no longer force most things upon them. In fact, you should not, because such efforts tend to be counterproductive. For example, one of the things most kids learn in college is that we ultimately get sick of a messy room and dirty clothes, and so we eventually clean it up ourselves. But as you might have noticed, we loathe when parents request us to do it. Somewhere under our obstinate rebellion, college kids do hold respect for your parental authority, but at the first hint of parental domination, our instinct is to revolt. To oppress may not be your intention, but especially after returning from college, any requests or restrictions set forth by our parents are often seen as a threat to our autonomy. The best thing you can do is maintain your kids respect, and they will almost always come back to you. If you have a smooth avenue of communication with your children, keep this channel wide open. Explain your motives, as well as your understanding of their situation and maturity. If they are not open to you, try giving things a rest. After my dad stopped nagging me to do things, I started coming to him for advice, on anything from classes and housing, to career ideas. Every kid is different, so don’t be disappointed if after a week of concealing your urge badger, your kid remains disconnected. It’s not a magic formula, but almost every college student I know who speaks openly with their parents does so because his or her parents are receptive, but not overbearing.

This leads to other topics which I will address in my other articles, about maintaining the network of communication between you and your college student throughout their academic years. We all want to talk to someone about all of the new, exciting, stressful, mind-opening, dangerous, character-building, emotional and incredible experiences that come with the college adventure, and that person can be you.