Adoption Is Right For Those 110 Percent Sure

There are two categories of people who seek to adopt children. The first are those who see this act of parenthood as a primary means of giving a child a family, future and home who, through whatever circumstances, does not have a primary family. There are plenty of people in the United States (an Norway and other countries abroad) where this impetus is the primary reason for adopting a non-biological child.

I suspect far more often, however, that the reason most Americans adopt is because they have been unable to have a child of their own. It is from this category of people that the greater range of questions, concerns and worry arises. And this is because there is an emotional and logistical chasm that has to be negotiated in order to go from the idea of having your own child to the mind-expanding notion of taking on "someone else's" child.

If you have been hung up for any length of time on this chasm, if you are wobbly and afraid of the seemingly endless array of "unknowns" that might seem to accompany adoption, then this is a warning sign. Adopting a child must, at some certain point, propel the prospective adoptive parent into a sort of blind-faith drive to "get the deal done."

My point is: You must be completely and unrelentingly convinced that once you have that child in your arms, you will have not one ounce of regret or second-guessing your decision. If you can't, then the enormous emotional task of bonding with and caring for ANY child -- your "own" or an adopted child -- will be something you never willfully submit to. And that would spell ardous doom -- for you and your family.

If you're at the place where you can safely make that emotional leap, then comes the next round of faith-testing: Paperwork, legal documents, social workers, financial cost AND ... worst of all ... waiting! When I was adopting my daughter from India, the process took more than 15 months from the time I sent in my application to the time I traveled to India to pick her up. That included a change or two of judges in the city where my daughter was in an orphanage, delaying for two months what appeared to be a nearly done deal.

For me, I was far more interested in becoming a parent to a child who needed a home. In some ways, this set up a certain level of expectation about the experience to come. I knew she would need extra time to bond, to overcome language and cultural transitions. Not knowing her family history in any great detail meant I knew little more than she was beautiful, alert, strong-willed, funny and at least of average intelligence. In some ways, the "unknown" of my daughter's background and the origins/meaning of her personality traits has been a kind of highly engaging experiment. She is "other" in so many different ways that, sometimes, I think it is far easier to appreciate her and champion her as an individual, precisely because she does not look like me or do things like me or have the same tastes or inclinations.

Not to say that we are still "other" to each other. She is totally a part of me, as I am of her. (She tells me that.) Having adopted my daughter makes me feel -- as a side note -- a greater part of the human family. We should all be raising each other's children anyway. That's what we're here for. It is truly a heart-expanding experience.

If anyone is thinking of overseas adoption, I am certain it is true that certain orphanges if not certain countries should be avoided, considering the kind of care or issues. THe most important decision, after having decided you MUST adopt, is to find an agency you are completely comfortable with. Have them welcome you into their process. Ask all the questions up front. Make them tell you about where you child is located, what kind of caretakers or foster parents are caring for the child as he or she waits. There is a lot you can control before the part where it's out of your control, which is the whole crapshoot with having kids anyway, whether they're your own or come to be your own.