Waiter, There’s a Turkey Vulture in My Consommé

The other night my partner and I stumbled across the most quaint, secluded outdoor dining spot called Roland's by the Trestle.

We were greeted by Roland himself, who seated us on some contemporary style chairs that looked very much like tree stumps. The furniture maker had every detail perfect right down to the wood ticks.

When we asked to see a menu, Roland informed us that there weren't any, since the entrees vary daily based on whatever fresh provisions he comes across while on the road. He couldn't identify exactly what the meat was in the special that day, but guaranteed us it was free range and organic.

We watched while Roland prepared our sumptuous feast. He sautéed the meat then doused it with the contents of a bottle, which he identified as Chateau Millinocket. We were treated to a real show stopping experience as our chef tossed the flaming meat skyward. The cutlets landed on top of a passing train, were snatched up by a wayward turkey vulture, which then suffered a coronary failure and plummeted into the bell of a tuba being played by one of the members of a marching band taking part in a parade on nearby Route 9. Roland tackled the tuba player and applied the Heimlich maneuver. Our entrees rocketed out of the tuba's bell and on to our plates. To this day, we don't know what we ate, but whatever it was, it was succulent and delicious.

My companion inquired about dessert once we completed the main course. Roland pointed to a berry-laden shrub nearby and said "Don't know what they are, but I ain't dead yet." With that recommendation, we ate our fill of the mysterious, somewhat tart berries, pausing to fend off the occasional bat, snake, wombat or rutting elk.

We asked for our check upon sating ourselves with berries. Roland grabbed the tuba and played the entire Yanni oeuvre until we relented and handed over our wallets and credit cards. Thus ended our memorable, though expensive, outdoor dining experience. If you are in the mood for some exotic food served in a unique setting, Roland's by the Trestle is the place for you.