cynical is the new black

I've heard that your 20's are for finding out what you want, and your 30's are for getting it. I've also heard that being in your 20's is for being naive and making all those mistakes that make you cynical in your 30's.

Here I am, at the ripe old age of 20, as cynical as a twice-divorced 45 year old woman with cats. Alright, maybe I'm exaggerting but you need to really get the point here- I'm not cynical in the "I hate boys they're all such jerks!" typical-response-to-just-having-a-bad-male-experience kind of way. I'm cynical in the question-your-motives, can't-even-expect-much-from-the-girls-you-call-your-friends kinda way. The Julia needs to go to the hospital at 2 am, but she knows she shouldn't expect to call on half her drunkass friends to actually give a shit kinda cynical. So see, I'm not a man-hater; I do not discriminate my cynicism based on gender, although I will say my radar for male underhandedness is far superior.

I hate the term "man-hater." It's just a skip away from "feminist" of which I consider myself to be. The kinds of things other girls think are "cute" and "sweet" I just see as a complete fakeout before someone sucker punches you in the face. I hate those dumbass chick flick movies like "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" or "Bridget Jones' Diary" because all I can do while I sit and watch them is think how pathetic and unrealistic they are, and how they give girls this false sense of hope. I can't even recall the number of times I've listened to a friend squeal "That's so sweet! Why don't guys ever do things like that?" Because, moron, it's a movie; in fact, in my expert cyncial opinion, it is a movie made simply to make girls like you feel inadequate and further pressure you into creating some ridiculous fantasy-land of love and relationships.

Real life is not the movies.

For me, romance is laughing hysterically over something stupid one of us said until our stomachs hurt; it's having one of those awesome conversations where one person talks in one long, run-on sentence and it's so entrancing all you can do is listen intently. Romance is cooking dinner together; and then washing the dishes together. It's sitting in complete silence and not "needing" words to fill a void. It's walking arm and arm down Polk St at 2 a.m. when trannies and crackwhores line the allies. It's laying your head in someone's lap while they stroke your head and tell you about their awful, shitty day. It's the uncontrollable blushing your face takes on when they say something about you so completely on you don't want to believe it. It's when one person remembers some random detail about your that you said in conversation a week ago. Romance is biting your lips when you get a visual; it's leaning in close, face-to-face and feeling hot breath on your face as you're dying to make contact.

I feel so much pressure to find "the right guy" but none of it comes from within. In fact, to tell you the truth, I don't believe in the right guy; I believe in soul mates, but soul mates are based on timing. You are a different person so often in your life that you need different people to really contribute the growth of you. But then again, maybe there is no "right guy" or even "wrong guy" period. Who's to say the person you're supposed to "end up" with in your life isn't your sister or your very best friend? Would it be so wrong if I embarked on my life's journey with my best friend in tow, instead of a husband and 2.5 children in the suburbs (or, for the really adventurous ones, the city)? Would I autmotically be approaching spinster-ville if I told you I find marriage oppressive? Someone please mark my words, that you will never see me changing my last name.

Don't get me wrong- I am looking for that special someone and by that special someone, I mean someone, anyone, to fight with the passion I do, to march down the streets of Manhattan or Boston or though the deserts of India, who doesn't know where they want to end up and absolutely refuses to give you a concrete answer. Maybe its him, maybe it's her or maybe it's just me.

Just me wouldn't be so bad.

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." --Sex and the City