I was reading one of the other hubs and came accross one with depression. I never realized how much it could help just to let people know what it feels like and how you feel and why you act that way. So I have decided to create my own hub on this subject matter.

I may not know much about the world or the reason for things, but one thing I know like the back of my hands is depression. I have clinicly suffered from it for 9 years, but mentaly suffered for as long as I can remember.

The earliest memories I have is the feeling of lonelyness. My mom didn't pay much attention to me so I craved for her attention and when she didn't give it to me I felt ugly or not good enough. I can remember trying to talk to her one time and her yelling at me to be quiet and me getting that sinking feeling in my stomach and feeling of rejection. I carried that with me.

As I got older it got worse. I started out trying to fit in at school but it seemed  (just in my opinion) that the kids could sense that I wasn't like them or may be I was just akward because I was so in drawn.  I can't tell you why. But all I know is that sinking feeling I would have when my mom would tell me to shut up would set in and I would end up in the bathroom starring at my face trying to figure out what was wrong with me and try to figure out how I could fix it. I tried changing my clothes and I tried changing how I acted, but at the end of the it was hard for me to even satisfy myself. I spent hours trying to change me and days hateing myself for not being able to change the inside. No matter how much I tried I was still the akward person. As soon as someone would talk to me I would get so excited and the moment they seemed not to be interested in even conversating with me I would go back and evalute everything I did wrong terring myself up inside. what makes this bad is becuase I didn't even know I was suffering from depression, I just truely thought I was ugly and no one in the world cared about me.

Now the world of dating someone depressed is interesting...at least says all my ex's.  At one moment I could be happy go lucky and the next I would be a raging lunitic. At least thats the way it looks from an outside point of view. The truth is that there is many things that would set it off. Like the other day I was talking to my boyfriend we was laughing and joking and then I started thinking about how much I love him and our relationship. Then I started thinking about losing him and then about him cheating on me because I am not sexy enough or because we argue so much. then guess what I did? Started an argument with him because I felt bad about myself and some how with in that argument I got the words out of him I needed to feel better about my self. After the argument we was fine and my ego was at 110 percent. Don't get me wrong I didn't feel good about arguing with him (as a matter of fact I think about arguments and start arguments cause I feel so bad) that wasn't the satisfaction it was the part where starts fighting with me to stay is what makes me feel better. When I feel his desire for me. I know it sounds horrible and when I think about how I am it makes me even more sad that I could put someone that I love through this.

I also am the most laid back person you will ever meet. The problem is things don't bother me till they bother me and I can't help the out come when it gets to that point. I start crying for no reason hypervintalating and my soft voice goes to a high pitch scream. I start shaking and my heart pounds a million miles a minute. Most of the time if I am this upset its because I feel lack of sympathism from other people toward me or my situation.  I start acting like a cornered animal. Sometimes its for a legit reason and sometimes its stupid. 

I hope this helped. Feel free to ask any questions.