So you think your boyfriend is cheating on you... and why you shouldn't give a damn
75So your boyfriends a cheat, and you are a fool for caring
Having read many posts and messages on this topic, I thought it was high time someone came in and soundly bashed some heads with the reality hammer. Forget your perceived social norms. Forget your sense of entitlement and forget your ego. Prepare instead for a splash of realism, the likes of which you have never experienced.
A warning however I must issue to those so with delicate sensibilities. The following Hub is not for the feint of heart.
This all began with the usual suspects. Girl meets guy. Girl owns guy. Guy meets girl. Guy owns girl. This standard dynamic of relationships in our society is the cause of so much drama, violence and hatred, that I can barely stomach the sight of it. The responses to this issue have been abhorrent at best. There have been comments that go as far as suggesting a man should be tortuously separated from his testicles for having paid more attention to another woman.
What entitles a man or woman so, to the full attention of a mate? When did it become socially acceptable to be the judge and jury in a relationship? Men, women... despite what you read in Mens Health and Cosmo, we are dealing with forces that pre-date law, social structure and yes, even god. We are dealing with the same force that will make a mother step into traffic to protect her child. We are talking about instinct.
It is instinct for a man to pursue many women and spread his seed. It is instinct for a woman to receive a man and accept his seed. Now, sex goes way beyond reproduction these days to be sure but the instinct remains. Everything you perceive to be right or wrong in a relationship is based solely on tradition. That's right, because your mom did it. Your mothers mother did it. Bit by bit over the years the mating traditions and how we look at them change but it is all just protocol. I wonder though, just how important this protocol is.
Take for example Jack and Jane. Jane learns at a young age that men should bring her chocolate and take her out on dates to nice restaurants in order for him to be worthy of her attention. I question her entitlement to his. Jack of course was taught that in order to win Jane's attention he must bring her flowers and tell her how pretty she is to be worthy of her attention. I question the judgement of Jacks teacher.
What entitles us to the sole attention of another? What manifestation of our ego makes that seem reasonable? I'm no psychologist but I know this game of love we play to be false, albeit fun. What worries me though is when the game turns to something else. When the game turns to frustration and anger, resentment and hatred. I have seen children sundered from their families because a man felt his woman was unfaithful. I have seen men, poisoned for the slightest "moral" transgression. What the hell gives either man or woman the right to dictate the instincts of another?
I believe it has something to do with how we are raised to perceive a relationship. We are not designed to mate for life, we are programmed. Great tales of love and devotion are fed to us. We crave after stories of unfailing faithfulness and we come to expect that of our mates. This is a false concept and the product of ego. Once you learn to overcome your ego and respect your partner for what they are and what attention they do give you, the world will be a better place.
This is not to say that you should shack up with whomever whenever and that is it right to do so. There are many things to consider such as std's and pregnancy and so forth. Just be sure, before you attempt to neuter your lousy cheating boyfriend, that you shouldn't first neuter your ego.
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Comments
I must say that I agree in part with Scott and in part with Knowingest. I Believe that it is correct that we are instinctively drawn to multiple partners. I feel that whether or not to have multiple partners or just one partner is personal choice. HOWEVER, once made that choice must come with full disclosure. It is not fair to your partner or partners to suprise them with your beliefs.
If you choose to be monogamous your partner needs to know that this is what you expect. If they also agree to a monogamous relationship both parties should (and in most societies, do) define the relationship boundaries and make a promise, vow or contract of some sort. In this scenario there are usually consequences for breaking the contract.
If you choose to be polygamous again your partner (or partners) need to be informed of your personal choice. It is not fair to lead someone to believe that they are the only one and then surprise them with your polygamous beliefs. It is only fair that all persons involved in a relationship know exactly how open a relationship is.
All that said, the instinct to breed with multiple partners was so that we could fill the earth. That really is no longer a priority. Mankind has expanded to fill all corners of the earth and if anything we should slow our advancement. My personal opinion is that this instinct is a throwback and that we have now evolved to be monogamous creatures. Giving in to that base instinct is much like giving into our more violent instincts. Killing someone and taking their food or home is not accepted today either but it did serve a purpose in the dawn of mankind.
I have to say, all parties that have posted thus far have excellent points. I for one believe in the animal side of humanity. Yes, we are evolved creatures, and yes, making a choice to be civilized I suppose makes us more so.....but then again, what's the fun in that? I mean come on think about the last time you went to TGI Fridays and ordered up that big huge Jack Daniel's burger! There's no knife and fork there, it's pick it up and chow down time! And oh how YUM!
There are times to be civilized (the boardroom) and times when you should be able to let the real you, the animal in you be known (the bedroom). I for one fully support and believe in polyamorous beliefs though I have rarely found a partner that was willing to feel the same. My current boyfriend and I have struck a compromise....he knows that I am pansexual, so he agreed that I could have as many women as I wanted so long as he was made aware of the situation and perhaps allowed to watch occasionally. I went one better. I said, ok, since you're gonna be open like that, I will share my women on occasion. You have never seen a man so happy in your life!
If that simple act of openness, sharing, embracing the animal part of our selves liberated him so, imagine how the rest of the world would be if we all just stopped being uppity for ten seconds and considered the possiblities! Ladies, I know many of you have a lower sex drive than your significant other, and once again, that's normal, it's hormonal, it's instinct at work once again. Picture this - he rolls over, and you get that familiar poke in the back, the breath on your neck, that typical raspy whisper in your ear. You have a headache, you're tired, you just flat out don't feel like it, but you know you're gonna hear about it eventually if you don't enthusiastically participate. So either you risk hearing about it later and tell him to go back to sleep, or you participate in something that you were in no mood for. Either way you lose. Now, in a polyamorous relationship, you could just have said, hey why don't you invite Suzy over and have some fun with her? He gets what he wants you get what you want and everybody's happy.
Besides, if you supress or deny a portion of yourself, then you can never truely be happy with yourself and therefore your life, and that's a horrible way to live! I know I'm kinda going on here, but this happens to be one of my favorite topics. Actually, I wrote a hub along a similar vein....http://hubpages.com/hub/Random-thoughts-on-BDSM-at
In anycase, fabulous hub, way to go!
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Knowingest J. Drawbridges says:
13 months ago
I applaud you for warning those who cheat against the spoils of cheating, disease and unwanted pregnancy.
Contrilling our "instincts" is what makes us civilized. It is not "instinct" to wash your hands ... but I hope you do. It is instinct to grab food with you hands and stuff it in your face, but, I choose to eat with utensils. The same goes with relationships.
Lots of animals mate for life, and those animals are usualy classed as "smart" or "social". So its not unnatural in the least.
Being faithful in a long term relationship shows commitment, respect, and honesty. So, if you have defined a relationship with some one, and you mutually believe it to be exclusive, then you should expect the respect and commitment of the other party.
Expecting respect from those you give it to is not a warped sense of ego. I use trash cans for my refuse and I expect those around me to do the same (they seldom do ... but thats another rant). I drive between the lines on the road, and I expect the others around me to do the same. When I enter a relationship with someone, and give them respect, I expect the same in return.