I have decided that for reasons known only to your good selves – you all want to own a Dragon. Or are at least you’re intrigued at the thought.Let me break it down for you.

Dragons. Don’t. Make. Good. Pets.

Savvy?

The Scrabble Board

Why do Dragons love to play Scrabble? Simple: They are consummate.

Thieves, jokers, liars and cheats. No matter how hard Kevin tries to convince me that his latest diamonds were bought from Tiffanys’ – I simply don’t believe him. Similarly, they love to tell jokes. This isn’t a problem in itself. It’s the mini fire-balls they emit when laughing that are. Liars – seriously, Dragons can differentiate between fact and fiction. They absolutely do know chalk from cheese. They just like to tell porkies.

So – Scrabble. This is where the consummate cheating/lying kicks in.

We all understand the rules of Scrabble. The objective is simply to win by way of scoring higher than your opponents, using randomly picked letters and making words up. This is all good and works in practice.

Providing your opponent is human.

First, let’s get one thing straight. Kevin is a DRAGON. Therefore he’s ethereal. This means that - no matter what he says - he’s got the ability to use magic. He’s enchanted (not to be confused with enchanting – faeries are enchanting. Dragons are just plain sneaky). And we’re not talking mirrors and smoke-screen. We’re talking the real-deal.

In basic terms, Kevin would wipe the floor with David Copperfield.

Being enchanted gives Kevin a head start. He insists that anything magical happening around the Scrabble board is accidental. I remain unconvinced. Why? The main reason is that I absolutely refuse to play Scrabble with him. It’s a no brainer. He’s going to cheat, I’m going to lose. There’s nothing guaranteed in life, except death and taxes. And losing at Scrabble to a Dragon.

Despite the above, I find myself compelled to play Scrabble with Kevin, on a regular basis. Read that carefully. I didn’t say play – I said compelled. ‘Play’ implies free-will. Compelled is nearer to constrained, obligated – forced. Accidental or not – I know he’s ‘charmed’ me. In the magical sense.

So, imagine, the board is ready, Kevin and I are sat, happily and under duress (respectively), and we are picking our letters. Here’s con number one: No matter how many times we play Scrabble, Kevins’ letters come out runic-looking. Mine are always the bog standard a,b,c type.

He is resolute that we wouldn’t be playing on level ground if he had to use our alphabet. Therefore he prefers to play with his. How do the tiles become runic? Kevin has no idea. Honest. “I’ve spent many a flight pondering this. It’s a mystery huh?”.

You think?!

So, the game begins. And the cheating comes thick and fast.

1. I have no idea what Kevin is spelling. He just tells me. And expects me to believe him. They’re always high-scoring – and obscure.
2. I know there’s only so many x’, z’s and so on. ‘Our’ Scrabble letters are simply peppered with them. Yet I never pull one out.
3. Now and then, Kevins’ letters simply materialise on the board. Every time this happens, I call him out. Kevin gets all black affronted and says I’m not watching. He’s a fast mover, stings like a bee, yadda yadda yadda.
4. Kevin keeps score. So, not only is the game played beyond the realms of reality (see 1, 2, 3,) his score never quite adds up either. By a mile

There’s other various little cons going on, embedded within our regular word skirmishes. I won’t list them all because I truly believe that some things should be left a mystery. Like they are to me.

Anyway – if y’all insist on having a Dragon for a pet, you’ll find out soon enough.

One thing I will mention though is this: Dragons pee when they get excited. Scrabble makes them as giddy as a kid on a round-a-bout.

Only they don’t throw up.