Dragons. Why They Don't Make Good Pets
75Meet Kevin
I have one.
And here’s why nobody else should.
Me and my dragon.
I didn’t buy mine. I acquired him. Through a combination of alcohol, stupidity and a weird pet shop. The shop owner was also a liar. I thought I was buying an Iguana.
Anyway. Mine’s male. Not based upon anatomy so much as deduction. He’s untidy. Never tells me where he’s going. And loves football – or soccer if you’re American. He also has no name. This isn’t because I haven’t named him.
It’s simply because he refuses to answer to Kevin.
I’d like to show you lots of pictures of him but as far as I can tell, he’s either camera shy or ethereal. He makes it so difficult to capture him on film, no matter how hard I stalk, ambush or drape my camera with boa constrictors – which he doesn’t like by the way. He simply likes to play with them. In the same way cats play with mice.
Otherwise he’s good fun. He likes vodka. Enjoys the of company children. And can whip up a fantastic Banoffee Pie.
And he’s never tried to cremate me.
'Kevin'
Dragons Are Great Because:
Dragon Pros
- They are wayyyyy better than a house alarm
- Dragon scales are the tops for sledging. On any surface
- You’ll never be stuck for a cigarette lighter
- You don’t need an open fire when you’ve got a dragon
- Or central heating
- Don’t need worming
- Easy to housetrain. They only crap when airborne
- They make relatively low maintenance pets. Providing you have lots of room
Kevins' Stuff
Dragons Are Too Much Trouble:
Dragon Cons
1. They’re huge
2. Greedy
3. Start fires whenever they suffer from a chesty cough
4. They hate vets. Passionately
5. They are consummate jewellery thieves. A dragon without treasure is just a flying lizard. Apparently.
6. They’re name snobs.
7. Stroking dragons gives you hands like a navvy
8. It’s difficult trying to convince people that your dragon is an over-weight lizard
9. They’re incredibly nosy. Want to know everything.
10. Awful table manners. Truly awful
11. They disappear. As in turn invisible. And usually for fun. Like when you’re drunk or carrying a steaming pot of coffee. Then re-appear crying with laughter
12. They smoke. Like chimneys
13. They live a lot longer than dogs. Or humans come to think of it. Try leaving someone YOUR pet dragon
14. They simply will not fetch a stick. Or ball. Or walk to heel
15. They’re terrified of spiders. Honest
16. They refuse to sleep at the foot of the bed
17. They pee when they get excited. Every. Single. Time
18. They like to hide things. Especially TV remotes. It amuses them
19. There’s nothing worse than an excited dragon. Except for one that wants to play scrabble.
20. They're incredibly sneaky and like loud music
Read Carefully
My Advice
Don’t get one. They’re just too pernickety for one. And demanding. I’d recommend you stick with regular run-of-the mill type pets. Cats. Dogs. Rabbits. In short, something you have dominion over.
Because in ten lifetimes, you will never ever even come close to being the boss.
P.S. If ever you come for a visit, he won't bite. Honest. I can't promise you'll go home lacking a few scorch marks though.
Pet Poll
Seriously, would you consider a Dragon for a pet?
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Comments
Demented.
That's one of the words my dad used when I finally stopped trying to convince him my Iguana was big boned - and just said "Ok, so it's a Dragon. What of it?"
another excellent hub I want dragon...
i have an uncle called kevin ..
Trust me Lgali, think 'smaller' ...
See Clairee - Kevin's a great name. Dunno why my Dragon don't like it ...
What sh**t are you giving us
Gosh that was extremely entertaining. Thanks for sharing.
I especially like:
19. There’s nothing worse than an excited dragon. Except for one that wants to play scrabble.
You went partying last night, didn´t you? Let me guess... vodka? :D
I´m starting to become adict to your hubs... please just keep them coming ;)
"Easy to house-train. They only crap when airborne "
There are laws against this in most neighborhoods. Please bring along a dragon pooper, and a big truck.
"They simply will not fetch a stick. Or ball. Or walk to heel"
I recommend that you try this with cows - get a catapult, put a cow in, and release. My dragon is great at fetching cows, and coming back with lots of sticks.
"Because in ten lifetimes, you will never ever even come close to being the boss"
Do I have to tell you everything?! To be boss, just find his tickly spot.
I have a Sit,Stay,Fetch e-book for Dragons on ClickBank if you want more tips. Only 99.99!
nicko guzman - not shit you like, apparently. Ah well, you know where the door is ;)
j. Kumm - thankyou :)
Funride - hows yerself? Yeah Vodka ...
Shibashake - the cow thing? Isn't that a little ... mean? ;)
You nutter, loved it !
Badco - I was just having a little moment. You know. Because you have to be nuts to own a Dragon.
Just my opinion.
Kevin may disagree ;)
Oh so funny, loved it! By the way--I think it's time you had a little talk with Kevin, there is a human arm in his stuff again...lol Got a riotous picture in my head of person with scorched face and charred stub of cigarette hanging out of their mouth from Kevin's lighter tchnique LMAO
Terrified of spiders! Awesome. Very funny.
Hey. Where did you get Kevin? I need one! I never knew dragons like vodka...I always thought they were more into jaegermeister. Does Kevin like Dragonforce? :)
I think I could use a dragon. I've got Mountain Lion problems... bet a dragon could make toast of that kitty.
Janetta - it's not so much Kevins' lighter simulation technique as your own. You kinda wait until he's got his furnace thingy (dunno what else to call it) under control, let him clear his throat a bit, stand about 3/4 meters away and slightly upwind and just sort of catch the last licks of flame. Similar to lighting your ciggy on a bonfire. Only more dangerous.
Kea - I don't know for sure whether Kevin likes Dragonforce. He's got a thing about word games for some reason. Plus he always falls about laughing whenever he watches 'Dragonheart'. I'm not sure why - though I suspect he thinks that Draco is ever so slightly girly. As dragons go.
Randy - As I said in my hub, Kevin likes cats. Size does NOT matter to Dragons. A cat's a cat. He thinks they're intelligent and the height of animal cool. I'm all good with regular moggies. It's when he doesn't differentiate twixt types and sizes that I get a bit cheesed off.
Hmmm.... I think I'd still like to try a dragon for a pet... for a change! LOL! Very creative hub! =) I like it!
Dj - seriously, don't get one. Take it from one who knows ... too much ;)
Just want to mention, should be careful of a dragon that likes vodka... They're a bit unstable. If you want I could put you onto a guy that has baby dragons for sale from a good pedigree. They're a bit pricey but apparently much more stable than the ones you find on the street. Let me know.
Susan - NOW you tell me! And damn! There's reputable sellers out there? Honest, I thought I was buying an Iguana. He was kind small, no wings (then), claws, scaly. Usual Iguana criteria.
I was a bit concerned about the colour though ...
Hee Hee...I loved this. Going to read it to my pet dragon now over a game of scrabble...damn he's fried the letter Q again! 10 points up in flames!
Holy crap, this hub is awesome. I love it and will force several of my loved ones to read it :)
If you ever want a break for a bit, you can send Kev over to my place for a round of Scrabble. He will fit right in with many of my dearest friends.
lol very interesting. You've put a lot of thought into this haven't you?
Sharrie - that there letter frying is a ploy. It's called 'cheating' ;)
Roobee - hey :) Kevin doesn't play rounds. He 'cheats' rounds. Vast difference!
Roxy - No thought what so ever. You couldnt make this stuff up ;)
Dj - seriously, you'd be better off not bothering. You need a ball wrecker to chastise a Dragon ;)
I had a miniature dragon once. But it got lost. Stupid mini-pets anyways
All right, I thought at first I was going to find out WHAT you had - a big lizard or whatever. But a great fun hub. And I won't get a dragon now! Thanks and I'm joining your fan club now. (Maybe we're sorta cousins?...)
I was trying to be sarchastic,but I guess you can't do that onlline.This was awesome.
Loved it, only dont bring him to my house. He might pilfer my vodka. ;)
tdarby - what can I say? Dragons are big, therefore they're hard to lose. Except when they're invisible. But generally that's so they don't scare the neighbours and/or to trip me up ...
frogyfish - thankyou :) And related? You know I'm a little ... well ... crazy right? You all good for being associated by blood an all?
nicko - hey ;) I thought you were but was unsure! But no harm, no foul, welcome and thankyou!
Paper - hello again :) I should bring him - he doesn't steal vodka, he tends to bring it. By the barrel. Dragons' do have some good points!
Hmmmm... ok! I'll follow your words my dear froggy.... I'd settle for a mosquito instead! LOL! =)
Dj - ohhhh aim a little higher ... what about a nice ratty? Then maybe a moggy? Work your way up to a Dragon. I think the nearest thing to a Dragon that's a 'reality' pet is probably a bad tempered talking flying fire-breathing mule. Hope that helps ;)
This was just sooo entertaining well done woo hooo. Now for a serious question. If I give you my address would you pop over please. I would just love to ride a dragon, it is my life-long wish.x0x
I know a few people i would like to give dragons to as pets. Are they allergic to anything, cos I would feed them some of that so that that they build up a good sneeze which started up right after delivery to the said friends!
Great hub. lots of laffs.
heep hubbing!
Blonde - absolutely :) I'll be walking over though. Kevin doesn't so much fly as torpedo. And he gets hiccups when he flys too fast. Worse than flying in a tin can with turbulence ...
Sixty - hey :) Yes, they have allergies. I will hub about that. I think the masses should be warned that Dragon ownership involves antihistamines!
Dog....nuts? ;D
Yay, Dragons rawk. Plus, I doubt you'd ever have to worry about a home invasion robbery.
G|M
G|M - Dragons only make great home alarms because they hate parting with anything they've previously ... come across and removed from it's original owners hands ... therefore they always assume the same is going to happen to them.
It's a funny old world ...
Sounds like a first world nation to me! ;)
G|M
G|M - first world nation? Hmmmm - better first than second huh?
Let's face it - who wants seconds?
Or Dragons instead of house alarms. Give me good ol' hard-wired machines any day :)
Nah, I feel safer with a dragon. SkyNET is just around the corner... ;)
Clever. Very very clever.
G|M - Gods! I hope you're not talking pre-programmed unstoppable killing machines?
You are, aren't you ...
I was hoping it was a new ISP ;)
Cindy - hello :) You must have snuck in whilst I was trying to communicate with my First World Buddy, G|M.
The hub is clever? Or SkyNET? lol - maybe you mean G|M ;)
Thanks for stopping by!
Hysterical!!!
Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville. Pretty sure you'll love the read.
Grins...lots! Hey...how big is a dragon pooper scooper? :)
This is timely advice! Looks like I'll settle for a goldfish instead! :P
Elynjo - Thankyou :)
Whiskey - I will look for the book, though don't know that I'll find it here! Thankyou :)
Tom Cornett - I don't know. The'yre airborne when they crap - far as Im concerned, what I don't see, i don't own ;)
Feline - You can't go wrong with a goldfish - providing you put them in a bowl. And add water. And food. Plants. A filter. Pebbles. Etc.
Maybe a Dragon is less complicated.
THAT WAS SO COOL!!!!!!!! I love dragons and finding a hub like that was AMAZING! Keep up the awesome stories:)
Bek - thankyou :)
And ohhhhh how I wish they were stories ...
Why Skynet why not Dragnet! And as far as Dragon poop goes, think of what is dragon behind!
Sixty - No idea! ;)
"They live a lot longer than dogs. Or humans come to think of it. Try leaving someone YOUR pet dragon"
sounds a bit like the sulphur crested cockatoo - they seem to outlive their owners and pass through a couple of family generations getting progressively more bad tempered as they go!
great hub - look forward to reading more - would make a great children's book - particularly as it is so factual and obviously true....cheers
ajcor - thankyou very much :)
And - it's not very factual because if you read the other ones about Kevin , you will come to realise that they're based upon my observations of one issue-driven Dragon - with some of his opinions thrown in. And he's a braggart and a liar.
You gotta love that Kevin ;)
LOL! I don't think I will get a dragon soon...although they may teach me a thing or two. Maybe I'll rethink that! I really enjoyed this, and I'm off to read more! And good work on the 100 HubScore! (If this is any sample it is WELL deserved!)
K@ri - thankyou for stopping by :)
And thankyou also for the compliment. It's very much appreciated :)
Funny hub frogdropping, My ratty is a dragon want to be, he's already mastered 3 of the things, 14. They simply will not fetch a stick. Or ball. Or walk to heel. 16. They refuse to sleep at the foot of the bed and 9. They’re incredibly nosy. Want to know everything. My little dragon in training is already working on the rest. Great Hub! :-)
What kind of dragon is it.Your name makes me laugh.I believee I have seen a dragon once.
Whikate - hey :) Rats don't fetch sticks etc because they know stuff. I'm not sure what they know, but I'm certain that it's enough to realise that the only creature in creation that's daft enough to play sticky-retrieval is the Dog. Playing with sticks is sooooo canine ;)
Nicko - Morning :) I know exactly what kind of Dragon Kevin is. I have a hub about his origins which may clear certain aspects of his creation up. Keep an eye out - you may feel enlightened.
Though I predict you'll be nearer to 'huh'? ;)
AND I bet they make a good barbecue.
Fabtabulous!
GlM - for once I'm lost lol - please show me the way. Or the light.
Just a little Scooby :)
Cindy - thanyou very much!
This is an awesome display of imagination and creativity! Have you ever heard of a Cat-Dragon? I had one once. Its eyes glowed red, and it hated Boston terriers and Christmas trees. Didn't play much scrabble, but loved "Clue". hehe :) (Have you ever read "Dragonflight" sci fi book? You would love it! Wondrous fantasy! )
Magic - thankyou! Never heard of a Cat-Dragon. I try not to talk about such things with kevin.
In fact I try to talk to him as little as possible. Which is fine. He talks enough for both of us ;)
Never read or heard of Dragonflight. I'll have a look on Amazon, cheers!
Kevin is too cool. I like cats too, I just prefer them with fish and chips and a side o' slaw (just kidding). That was brilliant. Very entertaining.
Dragons are FTW! where can I get one?
hahaha had a hearty laugh entertaining hub. Wondering what your second choice of pet would be?
Think I'm glad I live in a flat. Pretty sure having a dragon would be a lease-breaker soon as it came flying off the balcony and pooped on the sunrise dog-walkers. (teehee snicker) btw, it's my understanding dragons can't be "owned" - they own us.
:) Dragonflight is about a fantasy civilization - they ride dragons! It's very cool - the dragons are different colored and have different personalities! I'll see if I can find it for you...
This Kevin character really would make a good book subject! Even better than Harry Potter! Every kid in America would buy it! "Kevin: The Scrabble-Playing Dragon"!!!
What you gonna write about next? I can't wait! :)
Nostalgic - thankyou!
Am I Dead - I have no idea. I acquired Kevin. An unhappy accident ;)
Charan - a second pet is a far off dream ...
Jama - you're not far wrong. Which is part of the problem.
In fact - it's ALL of the problem ...
Magic - Hey again :) Thanks, let me know, sounds a great read. And - no idea about 'what next'? Kevin just appeared, as if by magic. Probably more about him ...
ROFLMAO!!!!!
Silver - hey :) Yup - it's either that or cry ;)
LMAO! Brilliant...absolutely loved it! Will definately be passing this link around : D
dude dragins arent real
Enelle - Thankyou for stopping by and thankyou!
raider - they're not? News to me :)
this was sooo cute!!!
LAmatadora - I thank you :)
Nicely done! I just love your creativity. You've gotta watch out for those dragon dealers, though... a sneaky bunch. They even step out of the alley ways sometimes, carrying three or four "iguanas" in their pockets to sell.
Cristen - Thanks for stopping by :)
And yep ... never trust a Shady Iguana Dealer ...
Sooo, where can I buy a couple of these pets? Perhaps Kevin should have his own fan club..... :)
Beth - don't buy one! Big mistake. HUGE! And he does have a fan club :)
This is hilarious! I'll have to read more of your dragon hubs.
Peggy - hey :) Thankyou for popping round and ... thankyou!
This little gem of a hub is a delightful romp! It's like a fine wine with the finish of a big grin, thanks!
Denny - What a lovely way of describing my idiot Dragon. Only - replace the wine with vodka and erase the grin at the end.
Replace it with a grimace. Or a frown. Or even weeping. In fact, any negative emotion should just about cover it ...
Hahaha for a second there I though theres a "real" dragon other than I know about. really funny! =)
Charia - thankyou for reading :) And it's all real ... unfortunately ...
If he is all that bother then trade him in for a walrus. hehe fun hub
Frogdropping, I see a money making opportunity for you here. Look how popular dragons seem to be. You need to find a girl dragon (dragonette?) breed them and sell the offspring. What do they call a baby dragon?
Funny :).
I have a pet dragon too. But mine is far more refined than yours. Must be female. She lives on my shoulder, loves the sun and getting stroked by strapping young men. She hasn't moved in 11 years. Very low maintenance.
ralwus - hey :) I'd trade Kevin for a really good donut recipe ...
Dolores - that's a really bad idea. More Dragons? MORE? And baby Dragons are called 'Trouble' ...
notorious - hey again :) Are you sure it's a Dragon? I'm thinking its something else. Maybe a birthmark. Or a tatoo ...
Where do i find one of these dragons...my local pet shop dosn't stock them =(
dipless - I'd be a bit less curious if I was you. Curiosity killed the cat - figuratively speaking and all that.
Before you know it you'll be drunk and disordely. Then awake the day after in possession of a Dragon.
Don't say I didn't warn you ...
Any pet that already has one ingredient to s'mores is alright with me!
Hack - great name! And yup. He's full of gredients. Far too many to mention.
Glad you like one of them. That's one more than I like ...
This leaves me wondering... Can dragons speak or at least induce their thoughts in your head? (I realize this contains the presupposition that they have thoughts and like discussing them.)
I imagine Kevin makes for a good drinking mate if he's gifted with the ability/willingness to chat that is.
Just trying to find positive aspects. :)
Pacal - they talk. Both ways. The mind stuff is of course the worst of the two. It's not so much a voice in your head as thoughts that aren't your own. You have to be careful at this stage. I think admitting such an anomaly would have a person restrained and taken away by the men in white coats.
And Dragons don't so much like discussion as the sound of their own voice. Many conversations revolve around their latest greatest exploits. They tend to not invite opinion, even if you have many :)
And they're good drinking partners. I will give them that much. You'd be surprised how little the amount of alcohol they need in order to become inebriated. It's quite sad in a way ...
Very Very clever! Great Hub.. (I won't be able to se pics til I get home cause they are blocked at work!)
Ms Chievous - don't worry, you're not missing much. Only Kevin. And he's not that pretty ... honest! And thankyou :)
Now I happen to have a cat just like that...hmm.
Lorlie - you poor thing. Want to swap? :)
Teresa McGurk says:
6 months ago
demented. I like that in a hubber!