WOW here we go again.. penning another delirious intro.. i sometimes wonder if my words that spill onto these pages are enough to equate whats in my head.. the whirpool of methodical madness characterised by a zealot in a state of perpetual intrigue..

up until several years ago.. ive been oblivious to alot of the things that life throws at me.. taking it in stride.. never analysing.. just systematically doing.. surrealistically been taken on a headtrip in most cases.. that has taught me more than what i would read from any book or heed advise off others.. ive always been a difficult one to work out and reach.. forever fascinated by the anomalous.. a true pertinacious creature.. so im hoping this raw personal blog can help shed some light .. and give you all a bit of insight into it all.. dont worry too much if you dont quite follow.. its me being me.. just tellin it like it is.. in my own words in my own way..

raised by an overbearingly strict mentally abusive father and a passive aggressive mother.. i evolved into a introversive stubborn teen.. the omnious black sheep.. daydreamer.. rebel.. romantic.. where was i headed? was a question i asked of myself constantly.. I loathed school.. had only a few close friends.. no real career prospects.. low self esteem.. and no concrete plans..

i often retreated into my own headspace.. a place i felt in control of and safe.. a place i could be whoever i wanted.. i fantasised a great deal.. and it overlapped at times into reality.. i had visions of my future.. at a very young age.. becoming a highly paid courtisian.. of drugs.. and having babies.. and men.. and looking back.. it seems as if I was mapping out the blueprint I was intuitively going to follow in life..

thoughts can be very powerful mechanisms.. and sure enough.. they subconsciously manifested themselves sublimely into reality.. i fell pregnant married young.. fell pregnant again.. divorced .. became a escort.. had a string of failed pathetic relationships.. became addicted to drugs and was left wondering WTF?.. was i that self destructive and hellbent on destroying myself?.. what was wrong with me?.. didnt i possess even an inch of self respect or dignity? I searched for answers.. and found them in places I wanted them to be found.. I wasnt to blame I kept telling myself.. if only my parents cared for me a lil better.. if only my teachers werent assholes and I stuck with school.. if only I had chosen better friends and boyfriends.. if only.. if only.. if only.. the list of 'if onlys' seemed to stretch on indefinately..

fast forward to the year 2000.. i was an emotional speedball fast approaching the peak of any sanity i still held.. my life was in tatters.. i became a shadow of my former self.. an empty shell.. depressed.. suicidal.. pathetic.. desperate.. i wanted to make a clean break.. to climb out of the dark bottomless pit i had dug for myself.. but was stuck in a revolving rut.. the love was gone.. and was nowhere to be found it seemed.. how much further can i keep slipping?.. is this the way life deals its hand to everyone?.. is there anyone out there going thru this hellish nightmare? my mind was numb.. and i sooo desperately wanted to 'feel' again.. there had to be a way out..

acceptance and forgiveness for me were the answers eventually.. in 2001 came my epifanny my moment of clarity as an alcoholic would say.. the a-ha point.. my focus was directed away from the less desirables.. and began shifting to what mattered.. me.. i had to learn to eat some humble pie.. self respect.. and unconditional love.. and deal with the deeper issues.. its been a long and often lonely journey.. but things are different today.. i do yoga.. walk.. take responibilities for my thoughts and actions.. give back.. create a space in my life for doing things that i loove.. have more compassion and positivity.. walk away from anger and hatred.. and be respectful of others..

I am learning to love everything about me.. I am unique.. there is only one of me.. a highly passionate.. warm individual.. and its exciting to get to know her..