Funeral etiquette. There is such a thing. And having attended many a death gathering,I thought I’d share some helpful advice on what not to do at a funeral. This is also written for a fellow hubber. Nelle Hoxie. Who is not in need of my funereal advice. Or intending to need it anytime soon. She is wonderfully alive and well and full up on her marbles ... and creating feel-good hubs about Christmas.

Which is a good thing. At least she’s writing about something cheerful. Unlike this pile of drivel. Still. I’m nothing if not consistent.

Disclaimer: hanging around with me does not cause your early demise. It’s the other way around. Dropping dead prematurely serious messes with my frogbrium. If you know me and you’re about to drop dead, can you at least look a little ill first? I really dislike goodbyes that have no prior warning. So please – a little hint before you shuffle off eh?

Funeral Etiquette

As I aforementioned, funeral etiquette is an important and necessary aspect of the whole funeral business. It’s all about being respectful. No laughter, no snickering and whatever you do, don’t smoke in the church.

I think you can see where this is going. To hell on a handcart? Actually, no. Not if you follow my guidelines. Despite my reputation for writing much about nothing, I still think I’m on the money with most things. Or at least within grabbing distance.

So walk with me, while I gently take your hand and drag you screaming into the world according to frog.

Funeral Etiquette – Do

Let’s start with the sugar. The good bits. Things you can and should do when attending a funeral or wake or a post-cremation shaking out the charcoal ceremony. Sorry. That’s a bad start.

The distribution of the ashes. Is that the right term? Spreading of the ashes? The Scattering?

Nevermind. The bit where they throw your earthly remains on the roses.

#1 Weep. Quietly. Respectfully. Use a little lace tissue for effect. A little eye dabbing. *Not recommended for men*

#2 Sniffle. If you can’t quite drum enough real emotion for the dearly departed (because they may be gladly departed as far as you’re concerned), omit this one. *Recommended for men but don’t wipe nose secretions on your sleeves. Or engage finger to nose*

#3 Say nice things. Like ‘she was a lovely person wasn’t she. Before … you know … she passed away’ That kind of thing. Again, don’t say anything if you’re glad to see the back of them and can’t wait until the lawyer shows up with the Will. *Not recommended for men. Let the wife/girlfriend/mom/sister say this stuff. You just keep quiet and nod in agreement*

#4 Dress appropriately. Dark, sombre clothing. A nice tie for the guys. Maybe a suit or at least put some thought into co-ordinated clothing. Think ‘job interview’ and you’ll be right on the button.

#5 Drop some money in the begging bowl on the way out. Again, if you didn’t much care for the person you’re saying goodbye to, get to the back of the Vicar hand-shaking line. Make sure you’ve a lot of loose coppers. Surreptitiously drop them into the bowl on the way past. Smile at the Vicar.

Funeral Etiquette - Don't

#1 No matter what else you do, or don’t do – this is a Never Ever Do. When viewing the body, don’t stand having a good butchers then turn round and say something along the lines of “ohhhhh look at him! He looks marvellous. Marge … I say Marge? Don’t you think they’ve done a lovely job? He’s never looked as good” Have some respect. Who ever it is you’re looking at is dead. A corpse. Never looked better? I’d argue to the floor that he looked better the week before. When he was still alive.

#2 It doesn’t matter how much you loved the newly departed or how long you were best friends. There’s simply no excuse for turning up at their funeral dressed like Ronald McDonald. No matter how often they went for a Big Mac and Fries. For one thing it’s downright disrespectful for everyone else to see an idiot clown walking around the church/graveyard. And for another – your mate’s probably in the box because he went to McDonalds one time too many.

NB - I've been to a funeral where something very similar happened. I know a funeral is a morose, maudlin event at best but I swear on my mother's sheepskin slippers ... it really was one of the dumbest things I ever saw ... and the congregation was struck dumb. We were so shocked we made less noise than the guy we were saying goodbye to.

#3 Oh Gods – don’t do this. If you know you’re grief struck. If you know you can’t cope watching your loved one chucked about a bed of roses like well mulched compost, don’t go. There’s always the chance you’ll do what my friend did. When she couldn’t cope any longer … when she’d reached the end of her grief tether … she snapped. And promptly rugby tackled the Vicar to the ground, robbed the urn from his blessed hands and hotfooted it round the memorial garden. She took some catching. We laugh about it now. On the day – we screamed in shock/horror/because we didn’t expect it.

#4 When the dearly departed is laid out for viewing, don’t start adding … crap. Show some respect. They don’t need handbags, teddies and your (pretend) favorite memento they brought you from their last trip to Greece. You know you hated that stupid Garden Gnome. But that’s no reason to dump it on them just before they undergo their last journey on earth. Wrap it up and give it your next door neighbours granny for Christmas. When my grandma died, my stupid aunt filled her coffin with that much shite she looked like a badly arranged second-hand market stall. And a good one looks bad enough.

#5 Don’t start with platitudes. Really – just don’t. They’re a big no-no. Everyone seems to launch into:

• “Time heals” - we know but right now, we don’t care.
• “God only takes the best” – yeah for what? Why doesn’t he take the shite? The prisons are full of it. He’s God. Can’t he just redeem them?
• “You’ll see them again one day” – really? And when would that be?
• “I know it’s hard but at least he’s at peace now” – No. No he’s not. Peace is a Sunday afternoon, sat in the sun, listening to a gentle breeze blowing through the trees, contemplating life after a really great lunch. He, on the other hand, is dead.
• “It doesn’t make sense right now, I know” – No. And it never will.
• “God must have needed him” – Look. God has gathered every soul since Adam to his Bosom. And gave the crap to Lucifer. So I’m figuring what’s he doing needing my *insert loved one* ? He was a bloody plumber. You telling me that there’s a blocked pipe in Heaven?

So saying – think before your mouth opens. Don’t fall back on saying meaningless rubbish if you’re stuck for what to say. My advice - if you’re stuck - is to keep your mouth firmly closed. Sometimes there are no words. And the next time I’m at a funeral and someone wanders over and starts saying ‘I know this must have been a great shock … I can imagine how you feel’ … I hope that I’m not stood within earshot. And that the offending mouth isn't stood near an open grave ...

Frog … Out.

Happy funerals ya’all. (I got this from Janetta. She teaches me American. Great girl).

This is an added extra, inspired by Laura Du Toit, due to her really cringe-making funeral moment. All tongue in cheek, all meant in fun and all should be a great real life warning as to saying The Wrong Thing At The Wrong Time.

#1 Laura duToit - when thanked for her attendance at a funeral, Laura replied "It's a pleasure" - out of pure habit.