gwendymoms guide to redneck landscaping
59
I got up this morning, had a look at what the Hub-Mob topic for the week and sighed. Oh crap! Why? What the heck am I going to write about houseplants, lawns and landscaping? I do not have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. I kill every plant that I come into contact with. I have been banned at garden centers within the state of Oklahoma. Other states don't know about me yet, but trust me, as soon as they find out I will be banned there too. So I have decided that I do have some experience in the redneck landscaping field. Yes, it is a field. Really, a field like a pasture or farm or something like that. OK so here is how to get that redneck yard.
1. Put in fake flowers. They don't need watering. Besides who is going to know that they are fake when they are driving by. If they happen to come into your yard and to your door they are going to know that you are a redneck soon enough anyway.
2. Put a sofa on your front porch. An old tattered and torn sofa works best and if you have plaid one that's even better, you have hit the redneck motherload.
3. Put your pick-up on blocks in your front yard. You know you got one. Bring it out from the back yard and display it proudly in the front. Besides it will give you a nice leaning surface when talking hunting and drinking beer with your buddies.
4. Make an attractive sculpture with old tires and rims. This should pacify your neighbors by making them think you are one of them artsy farsty people and they will hold off on calling your home owners association for a week or two.
5. Decorate your home with Christmas lights and never take them down. You worked hard to get them up, so keep them there and use them year round. Show off how handy you really are.
6. Hang a toilet seat on your front door like a wreath. You can even write "Welcome" on it. Not only is it a lovely gesture to your guests it also lets them know that you have indoor plumbing.
7. Be sure to place all broken down appliances on your lawn or porch. It will show people that you can afford appliances and do not have to scrub your laundry on a washboard down by the river. Teach them snooty neighbors about yourself.
8. Fill your yard with plastic deer. Make sure that you place "No Hunting" signs throughout your yard. You don't want your friends and neighbors shooting up the place.
9. Get yourself some goats. Goats will enable you to be able to spend more time watching Nascar as then you won't have to mow your lawn, they will do it for you.
and finally the most important tip.....
10.Put a toilet in the yard and plant flowers in it or put the fake ones in it. It's your call. You can get away with either one of these because your friends will water and fertilize the real ones for you, all that beer has to come out eventually.
I hope you enjoy this hub as much I enjoyed writing it.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down [flag this hub]
Comments
Man, that is some high-quality 'scapin', Gwendymom! I actually designed the outdoor seating apparatus shown there. One of my favorite trailers!
That mail box killed me! ROFL!
Sally, I would recommend plastic flamingos, I thought about putting them in here but decided against it, I am not sure why though. lol, just having one of those days.
Steve, Thank you thank you, I wondered who designed that outdoor seating. Now I know. I loved the mailbox too, wish I had one.
Thank you both for stopping by.
Hee! This is hilarious!
My family doesn't really classify as rednecks by any definition of the word, but we still managed to have a toilet full of geraniums on our back porch for awhile as a joke after one of my mom's remodelling projects. It was a hideous brown thing installed in the 70's, so that was probably the most attractive it had ever been.
I am not sure whether to be amused, impressed, or alarmed by that mailbox. :)
I saw some of this when lost on Rt. 60 inW. Va. once summer, and was glad when I got to Gauley Bridge and Hawk's Nest State Park!
Kerry, My gtrandmother thoguht it was agood idea to put a toilet in her yard as a planter too. I thoguht it was hideous! The mailbox makes me laugh, someone obviously took a lot of time making that thing. I think it's great.
Patty, I'm sorry, I'll tell my family to try to control themselves.
I think there is a lot of good advice here. The toilet with weeds is a personal favorite. Rusted out barbeque grills can make a lovely bird bath too. Thanks for sharing this information with the world, but if everybody does it, then by yard wont be so byooteefulll no more.
Ha....that is great!...I like the idea of an outdoor toilet, that way when I go to take a leak in the winter instead of hitting the floor I can melt the ice in the driveway!
Christoph, I knew you would be able to identify with this one. I am sorry, I should not have spilled your secrets like this. I'll do better next time.
Funnebone- The beauty of an outdoor toilet is that you never have to end a converation. You can do your business right there and never have to say "Excuse me, but I have to go powder my nose" you can just drop your pants and go and never miss a thing.
I always wanted to put a bathtub in my yard...does that make me a redneck or an exhibitionist?
Umm, obviously it's not THAT cold over there. Try to imagine that thing with -60F and blizzard :P
Misha always resorts back to his childhood in Siberia. He was frozen to an outhouse seat for 3 days, traumatic experiences like that leave you skeptical and chaffed.
Spryte, that might make you both!
Misha, brrrr.
Funnebone, why yes it is. Are interested in renting or buying?
sorry gwen, i tricked you and deleted my comment. I was inquiring about the property next to spryte...
I am just trying to ground you all in reality, this country gone too far from it :P
I don't need reality Misha, I am handsome, rich, well hung and not indanger of my car being repossesed. This is the world I like to live in, please don't bring reality into this.
Funnebone, what don't want to be my neighbor? I promise to only use two or five of these things in my yard.
Misha, sorry to hear about your trauma with toilet seats.
Bah Misha! I didn't say it would be my ONLY tub... :P It would be silly to try and take a bath in a large block of ice in the middle of a blizzard. But then again, a hot tub is a lot of fun in the middle of winter...especially when you get out and plunge into the snow...and then get back into the hot tub.
...And funnebone, only if you sneak in the back door and leave a couple bags of halloween candy first.
Oh, thank you thank you guys, it was long ago and long forgotten.. or is it? :)
Spryte, that definitely is fun. Especially if you use sauna instead of a hot tub :)
Misha, glad you have recovered, or maybe not, I don't know.
Spryte, that sounds like fun!
Funnebone, if you are handsome, rich, well hung, and not in danger of your car being reposessed than you really aren't living in reality.
Misha :) I hate saunas. Something about sucking in hot air and sweating doesn't appeal to me as much as lying about in a pool full of pulsating jets. Gee...I have no idea why...
Spryte can you please change your picture when talking this way... I don't think i'll ever see tinkerbell in the same light again.
Gewn I'll be your candyman..wink wink
I think the previous owners of my house might have shared your views as we found "sculptures" made of broken dishes and a supermarket trolley in the garden among dolls hanging from the trees and mirrors hidden among the bushes!!!! I thought it was something French LOL
Really funny hub gwendymon, I so loved the toilet on the porch with the guy sitting on it. :)
Funnebone, back at ya!
Princessa, wow, that we be one weird sculpture, I didn't know France had rednecks, you learn something new everyday.
Misty, So glad that you stopped by. That guy on the toilet is pretty funny. When I seen the pic, I new I had to put it in this hub.
Thanks all for comng by!
Why do you assume the appliances on the porch are broken? I may be a redneck, but I'm not stupid. I just needed some space in the basement, to rebuild my El Camino!
Yeah, wrestler Bret Hart's dad kept at least 6 caddies parked on the front lawn all the time to make room in the basement & Garage for rebuilding and for training wrestlers in the same large dungeon up in Canada.
gwendymon- Best regards to you family for Halloween. hahaha Just a joke. :)
B.T. Sorry I guess I shouldn't assume. you know what they say, when you assume it just makes an ass out of u and me. Good luck with that El Camino, I'm sure you'll be fighting the females jackalopes off with a stick. I here they really go for those.
Patty, lol. I'll tell my family you said for them to have a happy halloween. They don't like halloween too much, they don't have enough teeth to eat all that candy, and they are used to people giving them food without having to dress up as people throw it at them all the time.
Actually.. I didn't know what a redneck was before this hub... I've just learnt a new word :)
And I forgot to mention the cutlery planted in the back garden @_@
Cutlery planted in the back yard? They should talk to B.T. Evilpants, he tried to grow iced tea.
LOL at French rednecks. Le courouge? or something?
This is pretty funnystuff Gwendy, except that from the pictures you clearly aren't actually kidding. Those two guys by the car are priceless. I did notice you didn't mention a plastic wading pull half-filled with green water and chunks of stuff out front so I wanted to included that for next time. :)
(The thrill of a sauna totally escapes me, and, frankly, I'm not all that giddy about being boiled in a stew with everyone else's crevice rinsings either so spa's aren't really my thing either.)
That is exactly right, Shades. La courouge is a French redneck. And they dine on ragoût d'opossum et rat grillé (possum stew and grilled rat). Sounds pretty good in French!
and we make little scarfs out of their skin :)
Oh, and you make berets with coon tails on the back too?
Thought I might have went too far showing the family photo album like that. Coon tail berets, lol! I think I want one.
Might start a new fashion trend.
We have em over here too. As I said in the comments to my hubmob attempt. One guy I knew concreted the lawn area and painted it green.How about plaster ducks flying up the wall at the front door next to the flyscreen with the cut off tyre filled with fern plants.
Great hub gwendymom
Maybe Christoph can get me one. It might codt me a diaper change or breastfeeding though.
Cutlery planted in the back yard. Is that not a Jewish custom when the cutlery has touched both meat and milk? Jackie Mason said that once.
Patty, I don't know. I had never heard of that before. That would explain it though. I will look it up and get back to ya.
This hub makes me very angry. I can't believe you would come to my property and take these photos and not come in for a cup of coffee or tea. It's just such a rude thing to do. I thought you would be much nicer than that.
At least the article is funny.
SirDent, you must have seen her, there. She took your picture, while you were sitting on the porch! Although you may have been distracted. You seem to be talking on the phone. That's probably why you neglected to invite her in.
Sir Dent, dang my bad manners! In my defense I was in a hurry, I didn't want my family know that I was in the area. You know how family can get, they are always so demanding of your time, and trying to feed you possum stew, and hey have a look at the new toilet seat we got for the outhouse that we were able to afford from uncle bubba's inheritance, your cousins bertha and mike got married. You know stuff like that. It's just so time consuming. I will hone my manners and come by next time, or at least knock on the door and run.
glad you thought it was funny. Stop by again Sir Dent, I've missed ya!
B.T. you do have a point there. He does look an awful like the guy on the toilet. Hmm, maybe it wasn't my bad manners.
SirDent, now you have done it, trying to blame me. Know that I think about it, it was you on the porch, I was just trying not to interupt your phone call, and avoid the stench.
B.T., thanks for poinring thar out!
One of the reasons I hate jackalopes is because they try and spread lies getting people into trouble. My hair is black and the guiy on the toilet is not me. That is one of my neghbors. Of course he hates jackalopes too but for a different rerason.
I have some problems typing t's it seems.
Sir Dent, I am not convinced yet, maybe that is you, and maybe it's your neighbor. It's hard to tell.
B.T. has been earning a few foes recently, maybe he should be careful. I might have to take his side though as he has agreed to let me make him a vampire, or a batalope. I've never had jackalope blood before and am curious as to how it tastes.
Now my feelings are really hurt cause you think I would lie about it. You know how jackalopes are and how they spread rumors just to cause trouble. Go ahead and try his blood, but don't turn him into a vampire. He is evil enough already.
Actually, it's far more likely that she would become a jackalope. Our mojo is far stronger than a vampire's.
Nah, B.T. E. turned into a Jekyll & Hyde jackalope/Jack-o-Lantern on some page about pumpkin recipes around here.
oh, SirDent, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, he has this evil power over me. The thought of tasting that jackalope blood has my mind all muddled. I will try not to turn him into a vampire, your right, he is probably evil enough already.
rmr, I hope not, I don't think my neck is strong enough to support them antlers. Do females get antlers or do they just look like normal jackrabbits? Hmm, now I am confused. B.T. never expalined this stuff when we came to the agreement. I guess I should have read the fine print.
Patty, He has turned into a jack-o-lantern? He is getting obsessed with trying to turn himself into some other creature. I am wondering if he is trying to disguise himself, or maybe acquire more power for some reason. I wonder what that reason could be?
A batalope. Jugular drinking redneck making calls from the throne. Or is it people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones?
It's all about the power, I'm sure. Jack-o-lanterns, are magical-mystical, you know. I think he has a photo of his parents on one of his pages, pointing out that his mom suffered antler removal at the hands of evil Humahnz.
Of course, he will use all the power for good...
Sixty, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, I think. I guess if people who live in glass houses want to throw stone they should be able to, It is their right. Throwing stones for everyone I say! Thanks for stopping by sixty, stop by anytime, and I'll try to control SirDent and my family.
Patty, I did not know that jack-o-lanterns had mystical powers.I am not so sure about him using those powers for good though. I haven't seen him on here defending himself either, he just seems to come in and tell lies and then leaves, letting the dust fall where it may.
He's such an INTERESTING jackalope as Bugs Bunny, my other favorite rabbit would say.
Yes, jackolanterns on the doorstep create crowds of 1000s of children at your door begging for treats. Magical (sigh) :)
Hi Gwendymom no need to control them. We just take our lumps as they come. LOL
Damn sixty, I didn't even see where you said grass, or was that a typo. It's too early. My brain is still mush from my tossing and turning sleep. It needs time to recover.
Patty, what kind of jackalope want 1000's of children at his door? Is he planning on making a evil childrens army? I am concerned and a little curious.
Well, he promised not to eat human children in his Presidential Campaign, so thre army sounds about right, especial in light of rmr's review of the Jackalope Enterprises LLC children's gift catalogue of tiny implements kits. It all seems to fit suddenly. I had no idea until you just mentioned the army.
It is all starting to fit together isn't it. That evil jackalope is pretty crafty.
Hmmm. A whole army of "jackadopes." It's diabolical.
Gwendy: How many rednecks does it take to change a lighblub? Two. One to change the light bulb and one to run the extension cord to the neighbors house.
Hey Gwendy! How many hawt redneck chicks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A hawt redneck chick can't fit inside a lightbulb, silly.
ROFL, your the best Christoph! Glad you dropped by.
Hey Gwendy: How many hawt redneck chicks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You outta know!
Thanks Christoph, let me think about that. hmmm. Ok, I'll play this game. I think it just takes one, because she will ask her cousin (her husband) and his brother (her lover) to do it, one will hold the bulb while the other turns the ladder. Ta Da!
Very good. What I mean't though, was YOU are a hawt redneck chick. Get it? It was like,,,what do they call them things...a com-plee-mint.
*blinks*
No...I'm not going to say a damn thing...
I got it Chritoph, silly baby. ROFLMAO. You are so cute.
Really? I was just going to compliment you on the fact you are not all full of yourself and that you remain so humble. But now that I find out you ARE full of yourself and NOT humble...never mind.
LOL! Christoph, I thought maybe you might be trying to butter me up for a diaper change or something.
Now that you mention it, I am getting a little ripe down there.
ewww, where's B.T. with that wetnurse?
Be careful of ripeness Christoph. Eventually it leads to over-ripeness and then things start falling off...
I wondered where that thing went.
If that's the case Christoph maybe we should call a doctor.
maybe you can get a transplant.
Nah. It'll grow back. Won't it? WON'T IT???
roflmao, I hope so, for you I mean. Damn, I don't know what I mean.
LOL! Well...it's not like baby teeth where you get grown up version after it falls off or out...
are you sure bout that misty? I was under the impression that they do fall out or off, and then you get the adult version. maybe that's just speaks about the kind of men I have dated.
Is there a potential Lorena Bobbit out there? Be careful Baby Chistoph
Speaking of which...have we made a decision regarding Baby Christoph's circumcision yet?
You should wait 8 days :P
I'm afraid we don't have 8 days. Well we could wait, but I hears it's more painful for adults.
Hey! I don't like the direction this hub is going in. Ok, ok, Spryte....PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! Hey, Arab dude, tell us about Female circumcision in your country. Hah!
Is Christoph a jew? or muslim?
This hub has taken an unforeskinate turn. Did you hear about the Rabbi who collected these items, and made them into a purse. When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!
I'm standing here in the same room, Misha! Geez. I'm Irish...and I've already been circumcised once. There's not enough to take any more.
Sixty, that's just funny, right there!
I was just wondering why they want to do this? Does not really make much sense for others, you know ;)
That's a good one Sixty :D
Because they are mean wenches! They want me to suffer as they want all men to suffer! They're referring to my Baby avatar.
LOL! It's just a female preference....but if you say you've already had it done, then I'll put the knife down. Geeeeesh. :)
I know, sweetie. You never get to have any fun.
I know.. :( I guess the only thing to do is to go to bed now and hope for a really good dream....
*grins*
Perhaps I'll get lucky and last night's will simply pick up where it left off.
Ok. Don't get "snipey" with me though, OK?
LOL! I'll try my best not to let you aggravate me in my dream...that's the best I can do. G'nite Christoph...try to get some sleep tonight would ya?
It's goodmorning for me. G'nite all sleep tight.
Spryte, Christoph, Sixty and Misha, wow, you guys were a busy bunch last night. And there I was wasting time with sleep. Christoph, I am glad you escaped the knife, I'm sure Spryte was only trying to help, maybe.
Hmmm - In Asian countries there has been a psychosis in which the sufferer believes that his penis has been sucked up into the body and reabsorbed. [Just some more fodder for discussion.]
A sort of a metatestis (spelling wrong but intentional). Do you think it is a form of getting in touch with your feminine side? LOL
Patty, maybe that is what happened to Christoph. Maybe it didn't get too ripe and fall off? I don't know, he might have to examine himself.
Sixty, LOL, you are so funny. maybe he is having gender issues, I really think he better see a physician.
As a woman of a certain age, I'm always looking for the fountain of youth. It looks like you found it! I'm very intrigued by the second recipe, with the flower petals. How did you discover that combination? When I lived in NYC I used to love to visit the flower district, which would have been the perfect place to gather the ingredients. I think I'm going to make friends with a local florist
hmmm, I think you might have the wrong hub. But just in case the 2nd recipe is to just drag your couch onto the porch. The uglier the better. I discovered this by watching my family, they are kind of embarassing. I guess florist own couches too, and it's always good to make new friends. Thanks for stopping by.
Ateeqvbhatti, I think the hub you are wanting is
http://hubpages.com/hub/Easy-Homemade-Anti-wrinkle
It has some great recipes for skin care.
Christoph is defintely undergoing changes what with the temporary avatar diaper and all. He will emerge a better man and hardier than ever, I am sure. :)
GwendyMom! This really weird... The same person left a comment on my hub but it was totally irrelevant to anything to do with the hub so I deleted it. I didn't realize that comments could get tangled up... something to do in hyperspace I would assume. Now the comment here is copied word for word from the one that Guru-C made on my hub. weird weird and weird
Hope you're fine talk to you soon. By the way I just love this hoot of a hub. I roared when I saw the mailbox... and I'm always amazed at how easy the comments can get hi-jacked into more hilarious, let's call them 'fields' I just love it...
regards Zsuzsy
I had the same thing happen on a different hub of mine, they left a comment and copied the same comment as someone had left earlier. I decided to click on their name and find out who they were and it linked me to a porn site. So anyway I deleted the comment beforw anyone else came along and clicked it. I did not delete this one as I clicked on the name and they seems to be HP member and either got confused or like you said some hyperspace thing. I thought maybe the might come back expecting a reply and I could give them the link to the right hub, which I am sure is yours.
And I love the hijacking of the comments, that's most of the fun.I have made some pretty funny and great friends on here. they always make my day.
Patty, I am sure that Christoph will come out of this ok. As for being a hardier man, well he was pretty close to perfect already, but don't tell him I said that, that baby head is huge already.
Dont you guys mean harder? Or is that just a form of transference. Incidentally a picture of Baby Christoph sitting on the porch next to the naked guy, playing a fiddle would have been a great addition to this hub and a true deliverance?
Sixty, that would have been great, I could have given baby Christoph a few Buba teeth and maybe some baby overalls. If I only new how to photo shop better.
Hey don't knock the old toilets I've got one in our garden and it's just overflowing with Herb's!
btw the seat's up!
Great hub gwendymom, where's this new hub that Christoph and spryte have been looking at, I'm all shakin' with anticipation?
I think I might get it published tonight if I can quit screwing around and concentrate, but that's kind of hard under the influence of sleeping pills.
Funny ain't it, where I am for you its tomorrow 4.47pm ,and I'm sitting here looking out the window at a beautiful blue sky.
Well I am truly envious. I am in the middle of a thunderstorm that is pretty scary. The elctricity keeps flickering and I just heard a lawn chair fall over on my deck. I hope nothing come through the windows.
Wow, it was a dark and stormy night. Now where have I heard that before?
I hope where you are living is not too isolated? Most of our power cables are now underground so we don't have a lot of blackouts.
Well That's great. I get nervous during storms here, you know Oklahoma is known for tornados but this isn't exactly tornado season. But I am home alone and it just makes it that more scary.
Now where is that Christoph when you need him?
btw did you get that "link" thing sorted out yesterday?
are you on that pdt time zone?
Yes, Christoph and Shades were big helps.
Agvulpes, This always seems to happen because of the time difference, but I have to get to bed. Thanks for stopping by, Hope you have a great afternoon.
And it's goodnight from him, pleasant dreams!
Thank you Agvulpes, you sweetie!!!
Check out these other landscape, gardening, and houseplant hubs!
- A Gardners' Love of the Most Beautiful Gardens in the World
I love beautiful gardens. You may ask, what is a Gardners' love? Well Gardner, that would be me! Gardner is my family's last name and according to wikipedia, some sources claim that the name Gardner is... - 9 months ago
- Keeping Your Lawn Green in the Winter - Winter Grasses
If you are one of those people who hats seeing the dead, brown grass in the fall and winter season, you may want to consider mixing up your grass a little because it is possible to have a gree lawn year... - 9 months ago
- Friends in the GardenâHow an English Gardener Touched my Life
Our English neighbors shared their beautiful garden with us and created a lasting childhood memory. In the summer of 1981, I was nine years old and my world began and ended on Mildenhall Road... - 9 months ago
- How To Choose Apple Trees!
If you're seriously contemplating having apples to harvest from your backyard, growing apple trees from seed is not really feasible. (read on to find out why) However it is a really nice project to do with... - 9 months ago
- Gardening with a city girl
I love gardens. English, French or Japanese gardens; they all have their own appeal. Unfortunately I have always lived in cities and never had the necessity or the inclination to do any gardening. - 9 months ago
- How to Grow a Dustbin of Potatoes
Even if you don't have a garden it is possible to grow a dustbin full of potatoes in a very small yard or garden. Not only will you get a really good crop, but you can harvest them bit by bit as you need... - 9 months ago
- Definitively not a green Thumb.
The one thing I don't have is a green thumb. I have a personal aversion to gardening. I love gardens, pristine mown lawns, a water feature. My dearly beloved adores gardening but yours truly gets to dig the... - 9 months ago
- Green Tips For Your Lawn and Garden
1. Water conservation helps everyone in your city weather you live in a small town or a big city, water conservation is a good idea as well as a good lesson you can pass on to the next generation. Try not to... - 9 months ago
|
Redneck camo beer holster bottle drink can belt bag NEW
Current Bid: $13.50
|
|
DIXIE Musical AIR Horn 5 Trump. DIXIELAND Horns REDNECK
Current Bid: $46.99
|
|
REDNECK WOMAN - Stories from my Life - GRETCHEN WILSON
Current Bid: $4.99
|
|
CALVIN TUCKER'S REDNECK JAMBOREE NINTENDO Wii GAME NEW
Current Bid: $21.99
|
|
Redneck Fish Finder Blue Dusk T-Shirt XX-Large
Price: $17.99
List Price: $19.99 |
|
Redneck Country
Price: $9.39
List Price: $18.98 |
|
Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary: Words You Thought You Knew the Meaning Of
Price: $0.90
List Price: $6.99 |
|
Redneck Beer Party String Lights Good Ol Boy Lighting
Price: $10.00
|
Sally's Trove says:
9 months ago
LOL! Good one, gwendymom! Would you recommend a few plastic flamingos in the front yard as well, or are they specific to a redneck region, so that if you live in the wrong area of the country they might get shot, *No Hunting* signs or not?
Thumbs up!