Hell Petitions IOC to make Demonic Possession an Olympic Event

A speaker, B.L. Zebub, reputing to be from the demonic underworld of Hades appeared before the International Olympic Committee today in order to petition that demonic possession be made an Olympic event.

When one skeptical committee member questioned the existence of Satan, Mr. Zebub replied "Who else could convince a bunch of rich tossers to spend $300 a pound on coffee that gets its distinctive flavor from cat shit."

Mr. Zebub presented several major points in behalf of his argument. He sited the current difficulties a multitude of demons face with trying to take possession of a single human body due to current diet and fitness trends.

He stated "it's not like the good old days of the couch potatoes. A multitude of demons could ride about in one of those lardbutts like you were styling in a stretch limousine. Now that everyone's on Atkins, it's like taking the Dionne Quintuplets for a cross country drive in a Smart Car. How's a satanic horde supposed to maintain a semblance a dignity when an exorcism ends up looking like some overdone clown school shtick!!! Not only that...you know what it's like trying to take up residence in a colon full of red meat...peeeeeeoooooouuu!!"

"You mere mortals take the headspinning and projectile vomiting for granted. With us, it's not just a skill thought from birth. You can actually say it's an art. You don't believe me. Look at Botticelli's Venus. You may believe it was the end results of enormous effort. Nope...it just shows what you can do with a bit of demonic possession and a good Mexican dinner."

Mr. Zebub's petition was unanimously rejected by the committee.

In an unrelated story, the Olympic Committees of 179 countries met today in emergency session to nominate new members to the IOC after the entire committee was devoured by a man-eating shih tzu