When raising pre-teen and teenage girls, as mothers who were those girls not too long ago, or perhaps WAY long ago, we often feel ostricised by our daughter(s). All of a sudden, they don't have the time of day for us, we know absolutely nothing about them and they're writing nasty notes about us! This situation is especially hard when separated or divorced from their fathers. "Just what is she saying to him about me?" In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what she says about you, because if you were close before, you'll be close again when she needs you the most. Depending on how old your daughter is when she starts to go through the "You don't understand me" stage, this will likely only last a few years, as long as you take every opportunity available to let her know that you DO in fact understand her. For example:

When you see that she's had a bad day at school or generally feels bad about herself and her appearance (slumping down in the car with her hair in her face, or looking out the window and avoiding eye contact), simply put a loving hand on her hand or shoulder ect. and say something like "You know, insert her name here there is a light at the end of this tunnel called teenage years, and give her an example of a tough time you went through in school or when you felt your ugliest. She may not appear to be listening, but she will give subtle signs of hearing you relating to her situation. For now, you need to accept these signs from her, even if she doesn't say much because she really wants to hear some valid advice right now as she's struggling through life.

As your daughter grows emotionally and physically, she needs to be treated with the utmost respect. When she asks you questions about physical development, whatever you do, don't change the subject or tell her "You don't need to worry about that right now" This is going to be perceived by her as "I don't have the patience to talk to you, and I don't really care about you" Instead, offer her sound advice such as "Everyone changes at different rates, you may have noticed your friends changing faster than you, but rest assured they are expecting certain changes to happen still, and you may be experiencing the changes they wish they were." If she's asking about how she looks, pinpoint something like her smile or her eyes or something that you feel looks nice. If her hair is hanging in her face and looking oily, then offer to take her for her first hair cut and style at your salon (instead of the standard Magic Cuts doo), this will show her that you want to help her to feel good about herself. If she wants to wear makeup at 12 years old, then help her choose light, natural colours in lip gloss and eyeliner/mascara. "WHAT?" You may be asking, you might think that is just asking for trouble, well remember when you wanted to do something that your mother didn't let you? You did it anyway behind her back and most likely not very tastefully.

Teenage girls have an insatatiable talent for stomping off when we show distaste for their attitude, or coming back with a nasty comment about you. Once you have told her that she is acting inappropriately, let her stomp off and lock herself in her room (as you have already done some periodic snooping to ensure that there is nothing morally wrong for her in there). She will come out later with a better attitude and your words will eventually sink in. We have all chased our daughters down to their bedroom asking "Pardon me? Did you just call me a Bitch?" and demanded an answer furthering the argument and huffed off ourselves. After all, when trying to teach her respect, how can we let her say those things? We have also all written bad things in our diaries about Mom, and muffled things under our breath when storming off. Just remember, this is not going to last for long and our diet of WORMS will soon turn into a bowl of ice cream if we just nuture and understand whenever possible :)