I have come to know that at times in our lives we go through things to test our patience.

we think alot of times how will i go on from this or whats next for me due to a hardship that we went through.

i often think of two beautiful boys that i have but they arent here with me they are with my lord.

my first child i became pregnant with (abdullah) i had him when i was five months pregnant i thought he would've lived, the doctors gave us some hope at the time. the end result to my child was my lord the most merciful called him back.

that time was so hard for me i couldnt even take seeing other babies due to it reminding me of my son. i prayed that i would be able to handle the pain i was feeling to move forward. maybe four months later i became pregnant again with another beautiful boy who is now my active four year old.

That made me realize the truth in every matter "verily with every hardship there comes ease" my lord has willed.

all prais to my lord, I became pregnant with my third child soon after and i can say i was sooo excited to see and to hold him and to love him. i gave birth to him at seven in a half months and all praise to my lord he was fine the doctors said. its just he had a little heart murmur. he was given meds for the murmur that i didnt give or sign  a ok for and he suffered from a bad side effect from it and it caused him to die. i had only spent a eleven days with him but i can remember how he looked and the feel of his hand, his hair. i can remember how he moved his feet, and when i went to be with him in the hospital i always use to hold his hand and whisper to him to be strong for me. all of my memories were swimming through my head. i just couldnt believe it, i mean i just was thinking wow i just went through this pain and here it is again and its fifty times worst. i felt like i was going crazy. i had to busy my brain with praising and remembering my lord. learning different supplications to get me through this. even though there were alot of times when i just broke down i realize i was getting stronger in my faith.

one year and a half later i couldnt get out the bed it was that time of the month and i was feeling like wow i must be getting the flu, my whole body was sore i couldnt  eat or stand up the room appeared at that time to be spinning. i had a friend visit me who took a pregnancy test also at my home that day who had a extra test and was joking with me like what if your pregnant and thats why your so sick? i was sure to not be due to my mense being on.

i took that test and the result came up positive, i was shocked and amazed like how and what is going on . i made a visit to see my doctor and she confirmed that yes i was pregnant and wasnt sure about the bleeding as to where it was from because everything was fine she said. i have my handsome one year old now and my four year old i love them both dearly and my four year old is begging me for a little princess(a sister) so hes calling on the most merciful for her.

but you see everytime a hardship came that made my heart shatter, a time came after it that my lord made it whole again.

for everytime you think you cant get through something try being patient and you wait and see because your time of ease maybe coming.

I still have them on my mind.because i miss them and i wonder " how are my dear sons?" but then i think look at whose care they are in and wonder no more.