how does one deal with a stressed out spouse?
73That's a pretty tough one since the currently non-stressed spouse supposedly is the only person who knows the stressed-out-spouse best! With my husband and I, whenever he was stressed, he usually needed time alone first to do an activity he enjoyed so that he could think things through. He could only talk after he had this time AND when he was ready to--not a minute sooner. For myself, after having time alone to think out my options and come up with a plan, I usually had to talk to my husband right away so that we could get on the same page quickly. I like to attack things when they are small and solve them right away; my husband is a little calmer and thinks things through at a totally different pace. I have found that it takes both these points of view to successfully see our problems from all angles and then come up with a solution that satisfies us both. In the beginning, finding a solution we both agreed upon was a pretty hard task to accomplish; however, once we BOTH decided that we had a common goal (keeping peace and untiy in our marriage), only then were we able to work through the problem without getting caught up in arguments or offenses that kept us from solving the issue at hand. It took a lot of patience, humility and prayer but I would never give up those initial struggles for the world since they taught us more about each other and enabled us to grow!
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Very good practical advice John and very necessary as well to the success of any relationship!
It might be a good idea to agree 'common goals' when neither partner is feeling stressed. Maybe a good discussion to have while on vacation?
I agree wholeheartedly 2patricias! The ground rules for having disagreements as well as the common goals you are working towards should be established during a time of peace and when both parties are in a well frame of mind. Sometimes it takes awhile just to get to that place but when you reach it, everything falls into place so much nicer! Thanks for pointing that out (we did do this by the way:).
Nicely put. If you want a relationship to keep going strong, one of you must compromise. So, I'm with you. Personally, I am the kind of person that likes to resolve a problem right away and not let it fester, but often times, it isn't so simple.
If patience is the key to a successful relationship, my word of advise is don't lose your "keys". If you do, you will find a locked door that may never reopen.
very wise and well-put Jaramillo!
Excellent advice.
Donna
Thanks Donna!
My husband and I have been married 23 years this August and when he is stressed, he pushes my buttons. I react and then, believe me, we do find weapons of past destruction.
Last Sunday, I consciously tried a different tactic. When he grabbed his plate and stomped into the kitchen, I grabbed my plate and followed, cornering him. Instead of matching insult with insult, I began to ask him questions. This softened him. Although we did not kiss and make up, we did part on better terms than we have in the past.
The next day I emailed him a list of three comments I had made that he misinterpreted, explaining what I was thinking as I made these comments. When he is stressed he takes everything personally, yet these were not personal. He emailed that he had a much easier time hearing me when I laid all this out and he gave me feedback on each of my three examples which allowed me to further explain what I meant.
At least this way, he discovered that we were on the same team and he wasn't all alone with his situation.
Good for you storytellersrus! That is key--coming to the realization that you and your spouse are on the same team! Good practical advice--thanks:)
I have no idea if this will help, I was just researching the topic for a term paper... I haven't read this forum but I came across it so I figured I would just add this link. ( I hope what I wrote makes sense I am dealing with extreme sleep deprivation) God Bless : ) Hope it helps!
John Chancellor says:
2 years ago
You bring up a good point, that we are all unique different beings and there is no one size fits all way to deal with stress or any other issue.
There are a couple of others tips. Observe what is going on. Can you identify the source of the stress? Often times we are stressed and cannot or will not be honest about the root cause of the stress. Often we are trying to change or control things that are basically beyond our control. So gently getting the spouse to accept things that are beyond their control will go a long way to relieving the stress.
Often we are faced with more work than we can get done and become stressed about it. What happens we put in more hours but because our efficiency goes down we actually get less done. There are two things that help in that situation. Set priorities. Work on the important before the urgent. Let some things go. The other thing is to allow time for recovery. Taking scheduled breaks gives us time to recover energy. If we run ourselves down, that just increases the stress. So taking breaks, eating properly and getting sufficient sleep all will reduce stress.