People who can't seem to find boundaries are hard to deal with. Here is a man who is a work-aholic and can't seem to come home to wife and family because his office is just so cool! He's in his element and doesn't have to have anyone criticizing him because he's the boss where his heart is.

No matter what these people suffer from anyone who is an "aholic" - just add the words in front of that suffix, alco, gamble, food, narc, whatever - boils down to a one dimensional relationship. That's why we have 12-step programs full and flowing over every night in every town. The spouses and loved ones who are being "aholiced" upon are angry, frustrated, in tears and in despair. And while misery loves company, the idea of showing up and listening to like-minded people in these programs is to find tools for YOU, so YOU can cope.

You can't very well deal with your "aholic" if you yourself are about to tip over into a craptastic rage. On the other hand, the silent treatment never gets a nod either. Mostly the loved one enjoys the break from the yap-yap. In the case of the workaholic, he's never even home to catch the explosion - he's out having a blast at work - sicko! And that isn't just an expression, it's really true. People who are obcessively focused on anything, even if it seems like a good thing, actually have an illness.

It's fairly easy to see this with "aholic" behavior like bulimia, kleptomania, booze or drugs, but what about people who exercise to the point of stringiness, follow their children around trying to be just like them all of the time, fearsome cat ladies with their 38 felines stinking up the litter box. It's all "aholic" behavior and if you think about it, you can probably make a list as long as your arm of weird and annoying things people do to a teeth-gritting excess..

So here you stand, the spouse, relative or friend of one of these "aholic" people and you wonder what to do. First, you didn't cause it and you certainly can't cure it. But you can move away from it because standing in the direct line of fire from an "aholic" usually quickly deteriorates into a mega-war, your hurt feelings and personal disappointment in yourself for not taking the higher road. No matter what they say or do, pick up your car keys and sashay out the door. Whatever you had planned to do, go do it, without your "aholic" tossing a wrench into the activites.

If you can find a 12 Step program that deals with your particular problem maker go sit in on a few sessions. It's those tools that they give you that will change your life. You certainly can't change the "aholic's" intentions, so, if you are going to stick around, you have to somehow come up with acceptance. Talk with people who are going through it and you'll be surprised at what you'll learn.

Journal your feelings. Sometimes just spewing it out on paper clears the pain for awhile. Find your own life. Too many of us who deal with "aholic" people in our lives are pretty obcessive about their behavior too. We count coupe on every transgression and gnaw on it like an old moldy bone. In short, our own heads make trouble for us as well. When you see yourself dispairing because your spouse, relative, friend won't behave differently, cut it out. It's their life, after all. Your life doesn't have to be the moon to their sun. You can walk away and find you own place of happiess.

OK, life stinks sometimes, but if you promise yourself to give up just 50 percent of your anger and frustration only for this day, you'll have to be 50 percent happier. In the case of the workaholic spouse, if you aren't there when he comes home, he just might wonder how come you are now doing so well without him. Sadly, one of these days he'll come home and find the furniture gone with no forwarding address, but that's not TODAY. On this day, you need to deal with yourself to find your inner strength. Then you can go forward.