There's nothing more painful when you first find out it's over.

When someone says they just don't feel that way about you anymore - it feels like they just poked you hard with a sharp pointed object, and left you incapacitated in the street in the middle of oncoming traffic.

And you just feel so alone - no one can share the pain with you.

That's why physical pain is easier to deal with because it's more tangible. You can turn up to some sort of medical centre and people will bring you flowers, cards and soft toys. People just get that you're going to need recovery time because some guy in a white coat with the title of 'doctor' said so.

But you're not allowed to turn up to the emergency ward with a broken heart (I am going to campaign to change this!).

The very best you get is that a doctor spends the 4 minutes they've allocated to you to prescribe you some sort of antidepressant - which I'm totally against - for so many reasons which I won't go into now because it will take me miles from my point.

And then you have to go and ask for time off work for 'personal reasons'. Because it's not like having the flu - it's very hard to get a medical certificate to cover your time off. Its hard to argue that it's contagious, and you really need to justify why you need time to recuperate. Which means describing your pain to a stranger, and remembering the whole reason you're upset in the first place...

I think you do need the time out - because that's the other thing that happens - you cease to be able to think properly, form complete sentences, or have any logical reasoning. Its also easy to behave totally irrationally, and to cry like a baby over the smallest thing. Especially when you're in the convenience store at 3am and the only thing they've got left to eat is one of those 5 year old hot dogs with stale bread or other stuff they call 'food' that's artificially flavoured, coloured, textured..

Or something as simple as the colour of the check out assistant's tie is the same as your ex's favourite t-shirt. You remember them in everything around you - and think the whole world is conspiring against you and you can't see your way out..

I actually do think anger is helpful for a while - because it keeps you so much more active than pure sad depression - anger will get you on a treadmill at the gym, or through a five mile run - but it's not sustainable.

The main thing to do is to have a plan to help you get through it. This has worked for me every time. Particularly because of what I mentioned before - where you cease to think and your whole world becomes about them.

Personally, I don't like it when friends just give you condolences. What good are they? You cant eat them, they don't change anything, and sometimes it can feel like pity. You dont want pity! You want it to stop! You want them to either change their mind or to find some gorgeous sexy replacement who you can parade in front of your ex so they regret this and start to wonder what they missed out on!

I kind of think also - that in the end - love is manageable if you keep it modest. And who wants a modest love? If you're going to have one of those passionate, beautiful, gorgeous, delicious relationships - you put yourself at risk for getting totally hurt - I mean that's part of the passion right? So I stand strong and say - yes my heart is broken, and I will go out there and let it be broken again! (Ok maybe not now - right now you might kind of feel like you want to lock your heart into a double titanium safe, but you know what I mean)

Anyway - go and get a plan to get through this: www.howtomendabrokenheartnow.com

There's a step you have to go through to get over the pain of a broken heart.

And it's one we shy away from - because it is painful.

The step is to get proper closure. Think about it - when you do really understand that it's over, and you're at peace with it, what your ex does or who they're with doesn't both you.

I think one of the reasons we go through so much pain is that we've got our future entwined with our ex partner. The path we thought we were going down has now just been ripped apart. All the things we thought we were going to do, experiences we thought we were going to have - it's all taken away from us within an instant. And when you're in the pain of a broken heart, you're mourning the end of that future you created.

But when you create a new one - your perspective changes. Its like when you were a kid on christmas eve, and you were so excited about being able to open your presents the next day. You have something to look foward to. It's a total antidote to the depression of a breakup.

The only way you're going to get that is to get proper closure from the past. this may mean different things for you - but I'm talking about proper closure - where you don't hold on to any hope for the future between you two. You need to be honest with yourself about this.

We often avoid this step because we're programmed in our nervous system to avoid pain - and the process of getting closure can involve uncertainty and pain.

But seek it, find it, and you will heal.

www.howtomendabrokenheartnow.com

They say that sometimes the lonliest you feel is when you're in a relationship..

When your partner starts to withdraw, or starts to make noises like they're going to leave you, all you want to do is latch on and stop them – but trust me - it’s the worst thing to do.

I know the feeling when you want to do something – and it’s driving you a little crazy that they haven't called or aren't paying you attention – and you're worried it's ending but you can’t force those things by calling or sending texts that dont make sense, just to get a response back. Or worse, picking a fight.

Your friends might tell you to be indifferent, and play hard to get – but I believe you can’t fake these things…

So here are some tangible things to do…things that will not only keep your mind off him, but develop you so that you emit that wonderful, sexy energy that will have your partner gagging for more..

- Write down a list of things you want to do that you stopped you doing because of the relationship– whether it be actively or things you just put by the wayside because you were too busy lavishing attention on them. Then put a plan in place to do them.You had a life before them – you still have a life.

- Have a hobby you always wanted to start? Now is the time – dive headfirst into it. Again put a plan in place to do it, book something in if it’s a class, or just plan in dedicated time. The idea is when they next call to see you – you’re doing other interesting stuff that doesn’t involve them that will make them curious. The best part is you’ll start to lose yourself in something you love or just gain a new skill.

- Get to the gym, or get your posture fixed, its the number one thing that’s going to make you feel more confident and happy with yourself.

- Browse an internet dating site. Yeah you dont need to join but we always tend to hang on to things too hard when we think there’s nothing else out there. A good site will open your eyes up to the fact that there are loads of single people everywhere! You just need to change your perspective. 

Bottom line – change the energy you’re focussing on them (believe me, they're sensing it) and put it on yourself (they'll sense that also – and it will be alluring).

In withdrawing – your partner may be asking for space. If you latch on – you're not giving them that. In fact you could be really annoying – we had it when someone does it to us – its no different for them.

They say that women marry men for the men they can become, where as men marry women for the woman they were when they met. Go back to who you were before them. Take the attention away and you’ll find they'll be vying for it back.

Plus you’ll be unpredictable and will quietly and effectively show him that they won’t be rewarded for behaving this way.

Keep your heart safe, by becoming a stronger you.

Saw the movie ‘The Kiss‘ last night which is such a great film.

It’s about the perfect relationship going wrong.  The main character’s girlfriend finds out she’s pregnant – and he goees through an emotional journey, of cheating on her, but immediately finding his certainty about their relationship again, and having to win her back.

He says he cheats because he gets cold feet – but I think the ultimate reason is he can’t share his feelings of fear with her as he’s scared she’ll go nuts (she’s a very strong woman and likes to think she has her relationship under control).With that comes alienation, and the ability for him to lie about where he’s going on one, and then kiss her on the lips goodbye, and go on a date with another girl.

Through the film, the girlfriend also needs to learn the lesson that the quality of your relationships will depend on the amount of uncertainty you can handle. It becomes very obvious in the film that she thinks she’s gotten her boyfriend ‘all worked out’ and she knows how to make him happy, and miserable.  She even goes as far to lecture on relationships to her mother who quite rightly points out ‘Don’t think you know what goes on in a marriage of 30 years, beacuse you dont’. She feels totally certain about their relationship – because she thinks she’s in control – which isn’t healthy or sustainable.

They say that sometimes just continuously accusing a guy of cheating is exactly what will drive him to go cheat. This movie illustrates that. He figures he’s already gotten in trouble for going on a date with someone else, so when thrown out, he goes back to the girl and sleeps with her. Also drawing the other girl further into his problem.

The other girl. This subplot explores the fact that actually the glitter of a new fling dies very quickly – the other, younger girl whilst attractive and carefree clearly doesn’t have the emotional connection he has with his partner.  She also suddenly isnt’ as carefree as what was originally appearling. She turns up to his work as he wont answer her calls, and appears so very young – which is a big turn off for him. It breaks her heart when he comes clean about the fact that he’s having a baby, and although he admits it – he doesn’t spend any time consoling her and walks away. I don’t think the director wanted the audience to hate her in particular, but just to see that she was young and naive.

So two lessons really

1. Open communication is the key to avoiding cheating. The minute you withhold information from your partner, you are on your own.

2. The qualify of your love life will depend on how much uncertainty you can handle. Dont ever assume you just know the other person. You will be constantly getting to know them over the years – and this will keep things fresh and new. And it shows so much respect for the other person.

Often we’re defined by those around us. We don’t really take that time to decide who we are. It’s even more strong in a relationship simply because we change to suit those that we want to get love from. It’s one of the core things we do as human beings – because love is one of the essential needs. As a baby, if you didn’t get love, you would die. There’s even a name for it – Failure to Thrive syndrome.

So sometimes you have to take the time to understand who you are, or who you want to be. Away from that relationship that might be strangling you, and away from people who might be bringing you down.Away from negative experiences that you might be holding on to – and using as evidence that you’re clumsy, or awkward, or have bad luck – that stop you moving forward.

Its like when you go into a supermarket hungry without a list. You end up with your shopping cart full of stuff, and you didn’t make an informed decision about whether you actually wanted it in the first place.  And then there’s no room for the good stuff!

So its important to take some time to be reflective and understand what identity you’ve given yourself and whether it’s getting you what you want.  You are not a half that is only whole with another half. And you are are more than any moment.

Become self defined, and retain your own identity in a relationship. Don’t lose yourself in a relationship and it will get even stronger. It also helps you stop going into ‘role play’ mode, where you might become ‘mother’ which is a turn off, or ‘child’ which is even more of a turn off (for more info on that – google ‘transactional analysis – very interesting!).

As I’ve quoted before ‘a man marries a woman for the woman was when they met, a woman marries a man for his potential’.  Don’t forget who you are – or who you want to become.

Too many times, we accept less than what we want in a relationship. I had an ex (and there's a good reason he's an ex!) who used to get annoyed that women would say they 'deserved' more because it represented some sort of 'attitude'.

So it's not about 'deserving' more - its about setting the standards for what you will accept and how you want to be treated.

You train people on how to treat you - and that was your choice. Even if you are in a relationship where you're not getting enough attention to make you happy. Once you accept that you've created that situation - you'll realise you then also have the power to change it. So you need to ask yourself how it got to be that way. And what is it inside you that's being reflected in your outside world.

Often we try to please other people and accept less than what we want - or 'compromise' because in some way we feel we need to compensate the other person for being with us. A harsh truth - but in essence, we're really saying - 'I'm not enough, therefore I need to take less than what I need to make this worthwhile for you'.

On the other side of this - we then don't acknowledge the things that our partners do for us because of the resentment that builds up. Acknowledgement is important in a relationship as it keeps behjaviours continuing. Getting your point across by yelling and other forms of punishment are far less effective than a simple acknowledgement when something great is done.

So if you go in knowing you can get what you want, and also that your partner actually wants to please you - because it makes them happy to know they can make you happy, you'll end up in a great relationship which is likely to continue for a very long time!

My boyfriend used to do this annoying thing on the phone.

I would say, I need to go now as it’s getting late. And then straight after I had said it, he’d say ‘honey I think I need to go as it’s getting late’.

I couldn’t understand it – as I’d suddenly feel like I had been keeping him up, even though I was the first person who mentioned we needed to hang up.

I’d always say ‘I just said that!’ but it didn’t change his behaviour – it was REALLY annoying!

Until something my dad taught me.

My dad said, when someone does a behaviour that’s annoying, give it a label. That way you’re educating them on what it is without having to use many words to describe it. Plus it adds a hint of humour to it.

Case in point: I gave my boyfrien’ds behavour the label of ‘STO’.  This stood for Stating the Obvious. So the next time he did it – I told him he’d done an STO. The language i used was important – by saying ‘Oh you’ve just done an STO’  in a very matter of fact voice, it sounded like I had been using that label for years, and my tone of voice assumed that it was annoying behaviour.

It was also important that he then had to ask me what I meant – which meant he was paying attention as well as receptive to it. When I explained it – he laughed. And in laughing, he remembered it.

Then the next time he did it – he actually identified it himself. When the words ‘Oh no- I’ve done an STO’ came out of HIS mouth, I realthough ‘there’s something to this…’

I would tell you what he said the third time around, but actually he’s not done it since….it seems the label was much more effective than what I’d been doing before.

So to recap:

1. Give annoying behaviour a label

2. The next time they do the behaviour – introduce the label. eg: ‘Oh you just did a (insert label).

3. Make sure it’s not something they aspire to – ie: OH GREAT! Ive just done an STO. Make sure your tone has an inaudible ‘groan’ after it, so that it’s not a label that your man wants to be associated with.

Right, I now must go and find a label for not wanting to ask for directions and leaving the toilet seat up…

I had a friend who was really ’strict’ with her man – if she even caught him looking at another woman, she’d get moody and angry.

She was a gorgeous, beautiful girl who had nothing to worry about – he adored her – and I used to think her approach was wrong.

But I had to rethink that. As she put it – men behave as badly as you let them. And they are constantly testing to see how much you’ll put up with.

Also don’t forget – they’re on their best behaviour in the first three months, so if it’s pretty bad at the start, it’s only going to get worse.

It’s an interested exercise in self esteem – often when we think we’re not good enough, we compensate by being compromising, and downplaying our needs. Rather than coming from a place of ‘consideration’ we’re coming from a lack of love of ourselves.

I guess there’s the other extreme also – where women are bitter and angry – and that comes from a lack of self esteem also ie: ‘I’m going to hurt you and leave before you do the same to me’.

So I guess it’s the balance – between coming from a place of true confidence and love of yourself – and being able to say strongly and confidently the way you will and won’t be treated.

As Wayne Dyer says in Pulling Your Own Strings – people treat you the way you train them to treat you. So when someone treats you badly you must ask ‘how did I train you to treat me that way?’

Dont worry – no need to wonder why he called after your date and didn’t leave a voicemail! here’s the answer…

He calls that night.

1. He’s lovely and he’s very into you. He also wants to check you got home safe. And to hear your voice again.

or

2. He left his keys in your bag.

or

3. He’s just checking to see if you were serious about not letting him come back for a nightcap (in which case you should be giving him the kneecap).

He calls the next day

1. He is really into you and wants to arrange the next date.

or

2. He’s not interested but he has added you to facebook and now wants to know who your friend Annabel is and whether she’s single.

or

3.  He misdialed and was actually trying to call his mother.

He calls in 3 days time.

1. He really likes you but his mates told him you’re hot and used to getting men, so he should keep cool and wait a few days before he calls.

or

2. His date cancelled on him that evening and he thought you might be free last minute to come to his house so he can still use the wine and tuna steak he bought to cook.

or

3. His wife who you didn’t know about found your number in his phone under ‘Fred’, was suspicious and gave you a call.

He calls a few weeks later

1. He’s been trying to track your number down for ages, and only just finally got a hold of it now – and didn’t want to leave a message because he couldn’t convey just how much he adores you in the 4 minute slot.

or

2. He’s forgotten who you are totally – but thought your number was for  the beautician who waxes his chest who he needed to make an urgent appointment with.

Bottom line: a really good decent guy with no hangups won’t wait to call you.  And if he doesn’t leave a voicemail – he has a slight confidence problem.