Good manners can be very hard to exercise when faced with someone who is being unfair, unkind or downright aggressive. How well you respond to these situations will affect your own personal wellbeing far more than you are affected by the bad situation by itself.

I recently responded to a hubpage that I felt was very unfair in its attack of new hubbers who don't quite have the "rules" down yet on how to post in our community. A virtual firestorm of comments ensued -- from people that were eager to join in the condemnation of these newbies and the ones who were defending themselves.

I found myself becoming more and more upset because I felt personally attacked. It's kind of like when your child's school principal asks to see you in their office. Suddenly, you're back in school frantically searching your mind to remember anything you might have done wrong! Then you remember, you're the parent, not the student and you can't get in trouble. Of course, then you start worrying about what your KID did! If you're lucky, it'll turn out your child has won the good citizen award.

I've made friends here at hubpages -- people I think a lot of. I also know several of the people who were under fire for being overzealous in their writings. I know the process they are going through in learning how to become good writers. I know how hard they're trying. They aren't all there yet. I know I still have a lot to learn. So, the harsh comments hurt. And the temptation to become catty and lash back was very strong.

Three Things to Do When You Are in a Bad Situation

1. Look to see if there is something to be learned.

The most satisfying outcome of a bad situation is when you can resolve it in some sort of positive way. This doesn't necessarily mean that both parties come to agree - but it can mean they come to see one another's point of view.

I came across an article on Squidoo where the writer was questioning a program I happen to know fairly well. The writer had done quite a bit of research and doubted whether some of the book's claims as far as results were concerned were actually true and whether or not the book and its accompanying program was a scam.

She invited any readers who had information to call her. I called. We wound up having a wonderful conversation. Whatever the final conclusions were about the book in question, it was obvious that both the "squidmaster" and I were coming from the same place of wanting to provide honest support to our readers. Even though we didn't see eye to eye, we listened to one another with open minds.

As a result, she told me some things I didn't know and I was able to give her some information she didn't know. We both felt invigorated by the discussion and parted friends.

There is always room for more than one opinion and when you are each open to another's viewpoint, you can learn a lot. You might find ways to improve on the way you've been doing things or gain a better understanding of how other people see you.

2. Recognize situations you can't fix.

Sometimes you will find yourself in a situation where the other person's mind is made up and nothing you say or do is going to change it. It seems the more unfair the accusations, the less chance the accuser will be willing to listen to any point of view other than his own.

People will admit to knowing nothing about a given situation and still jump on the bandwagon and shout out their protests for all to hear. This is frustrating to say the least. If the accused defends themselves, it will be seen as a guilty reaction to being "found out." If they don't respond, it will be seen as being too cowardly to face the accusers! Kind of like the old days in Salem when they weighted the supposed witches down with stones and threw them in the river; if they survived, they were proven witches, if they drowned...well, guess they were innocent, poor things!

In this kind of situation, you simply have to walk away. Until the other person is in a place from which they can hear what you are trying to say, there's just no point in talking.

3. Turn it Around for Yourself

Sometimes, the negative situation isn't all that earth shattering. Maybe someone honked at you on the road when you didn't do anything wrong, or maybe your spouse snapped at you this morning. You can let it bother you all day long or your can "release it."

In this type of situation, I have found random acts of kindness to be very helpful. If someone cuts me off on the road, I buy a latte for the car behind me at Starbucks. If someone is rude at the grocery store, I go out of my way to compliment someone else or simply give them a bright smile and wish them a good day. They feel better, I feel better. Two people feeling better outweighs one person being grumpy. At least in my book.

Have I Used Good Manners?

Solution number one is to be open minded and try to learn something. It takes both sides to be open minded in a meaningful way. In this particular situation, I made a couple of comments on the hubpage before I realized I was in danger of becoming overheated myself and that would help no one.

The first comment I left was simply a response and it was okay. But the second was in response to a particular person and it would have been better left alone. Don't think I crossed the line into bad manners, though. Still, I can learn from the way some of our writers are being perceived and maybe I can help some of them.

Solution number two is knowing when to walk away. I did that, but I still felt badly about the situation. I didn't want to spend the rest of my evening feeling that way so it was on to solution number three.

I decided to write this article to turn the situation into a giving one. It answered a request, so hopefully it gives back to this community that I have come to care deeply about. Secondly, it gives me the opportunity to appeal to those of you who are experienced hubbers. If you come across the work of someone new, and you can see that they are being overly promotional, or at least might be coming across that way, gently let them know.

Either send them a private message and let them know how they can improve, or write a hub spelling out the rules more clearly that they seem to be missing. You will have helped someone out who is really trying to learn and fit in. After all, why would someone go to the trouble of writing an article and posting it, if they know all along it's going to make people angry and no one will read it? Chances are, they simply didn't realize how they were coming across.

What, after all, is the point of stirring up a lot of ill feeling when so much can be accomplished with supporting each other?

I'm adding this section the day after all this happened. I mentioned that I had responded to a particular commenter and didn't feel it was constructive. Writing this hub helped me remember my own "code" for using good manners in bad situations.

You have the choice to solve a problem or let it go. If you hold on to it, it only saps your energy and usually has no effect on the other guy! I went to the hubs written by the person I had seen so negatively in the comment section. His writing is brilliant and hilarious! It was unfair (and not mannerly) to judge him based on one encounter.

I wrote to him and let him know I felt I had been overly defensive to his comments. He had said at one point he hoped we could still be friends so I took him up on the offer. I also wrote the author of the original hub and expressed my appreciation - as I have read his other articles I do believe he was genuinely trying to look out for the hub community and what he saw as a bunch of "spammers." In the long run, our newbies will have learned a valuable lesson - it's not how you see yourself but the way others see you that counts.

So I'll add a fourth step to my "Good Manners Guide." Let a little time go by and see if you are able to gain perspective. Things (and people) may not be as bad as you think once you get your emotions in check. Do the right thing whenever possible and you can feel the negativity within yourself drain away.

Happy hubbing!