The dreaded day has finally dawned – shopping with my 14 year old daughter! My thinking announces - this is one of those self-sacrifices you make in order to be a good mother. You know you don’t make this sacrifice too often. Of course that brings a momentary rush of uncomfortable guilt and accompanying thoughts around ‘not being good enough’ and all of a sudden I’m in a daze and finding it difficult to finish the simple task of making my first cup of coffee for the day.

As my attention shifts to the quiet sunny spot waiting for me on the back deck I become aware that I am already seeing myself at the ‘hyperdome’ (just that name alone is evoking this image of me spinning around in complete confusion in a space filled with just far too much visible and audible stimulation for such a sensitive soul as myself). Believe me when I say this is not a pleasant image. Filled with apprehension in what my mind has already conjured up I continue with my personal preparations as I can hear the sounds of the electric toothbrush and the smells of the hair straightener (my daughters own preparation rituals) seeping through the bathroom wall.

I’ve caught myself wondering whether what I am wearing is going to bring one of those ‘disapproving looks’ from the wee fashion queen, so I instantly place that little thought somewhere that I won’t be able to notice it and drag myself into ‘getting excited’, as I know this is just how I am suppose to be embracing this entire impending event. I already have quite a challenging relationship with allowing myself to feel excited so actually expressing excitement is right at the end of my measurement stick! My daughter on the other hand has a delicious relationship with excitement, almost infectious, and I can feel it filling the atmosphere, which of course is just heightening my inability to get into mine even more.

We are nearly at the shops now, and I’m actually aware that the drive has been a silent one, there hasn’t been any conversation between us, as she has been plugged into the mp3 and I have been inwardly preparing myself for embracing a state of enthusiasm. This little personal ritual goes something like this – Now, make sure that you are going to be attentive, try not to get despondent and disinterested too quickly, try not to get overwhelmed and switch off because everything’s just too loud and too full on, remember to look interested in every article of clothing she chooses, now stop tensing up already over the fact that you know she chooses so many things to try on, and stop wondering if you are going to be able to take a minute to go to the book shop. Remember, how she likes you to stay in the shop with her, just outside the dressing rooms, just within reach, so don’t wander off, you know how much that irritates her, oh for god sake don’t disappoint her again, this is just a simple little shopping trip, why do you have to make such a big deal out of it, there you go again, it’s just a small sacrifice in the scheme of things, you need to just put all this stuff aside, that’s it breathe , concentrate, look for a car park, that’s it slow it all down, ok let go of the steering wheel, turn the car off, don’t forget your glasses.

There are those ‘helping professionals’ out there that would probably have labelled me by now as suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder and offered some well meaning expert advice in regards to what I need to do to get a handle on myself. Unbeknowns to them however is the fact that I am acutely aware of my inner experiencing from moment to moment because I have practiced becoming acutely aware of what it is I’m experiencing over a very long period of time. I have only described a small portion of my experience of preparation (what I’ve chosen to name this little personal inquiry) before the actual shopping event with my daughter.

I guess what I’m getting at here is the fact that having that sort of developed capacity for attention allows me to focus up particular aspects of my personal experiencing from moment to moment and choose what it is I will attend to. Ultimately, that ability allows me to really move into being with my daughter and sharing in her delight of ‘shopping’.

As I stand before her now just beside the clothes rack and observe her holding up this very strikingly red soft little shoestring strap dress I can feel her delight, I can observe how the colour and the fabric highlights her slender dancers frame and her pure white skin and how beautiful she is. I am filled with wonder, and I am filled with love, and can tell her that I really love the dress, love the way the cut of it suits her body, and how much I enjoy shopping with her, how it excites me to see her get so much pleasure from such a simple yet beautiful little dress.

I understand that clothes are extremely meaningful to her – beauty in all its form is a value she holds dearly. Having that understanding and having the capacity to be fully in this experience with her is what brings the joy for the both of us. It’s these simple moments of being connected to my daughter that stand out for me, that I treasure. It’s the little tremors of excitement that I can feel in her body as our shoulders gently touch each others as she moves towards the changing rooms. As I stand alone waiting for her to return wearing the red dress my experiencing is filled with all the beautiful feelings hanging in the atmosphere from that very simple moment of our connection beforehand.

I could create an entire artistic exhibition of captured moments from this little written account above. Unfortunately I don’t have the space to present that here yet I know that in engaging in that creative externalization of my personal experiencing I would come into knowing so much more about myself and myself in relationship with my daughter. If I allow my imagination to inform me further who knows what will arrive. Now that excites me!